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heartbroken over pregnant wife leaving with son - Page 2

post #21 of 77
Quote:
Originally Posted by mimim View Post

Father of 3 is stating that the plan was for him and his wife to raise their new additions to the family in the place that they were currently living, at least for the first few years until he felt like his young adult children were fully independent, and his wife has now changed her mind and is not considering the other members of this family that she has married into in her decision making process. She has pulled a bait and switch on him. Pregnancy does make women more hormonal and self-protective, as it should, but that doesn't mean the world revolves around her. It really strikes me that the previous posts describe a woman who is considering only her own best interests and not those of her child or his father.

 


I just wanted to clarify something.  I haven't really addressed what the wife has done wrong because she isn't the one on here asking for advice.  Clearly she has done several things very wrong and continues to make this situation very difficult.  I don't want to minimize her role in this.  But clearly she is not going to step up and do what is best for the whole family unit, so we can either have a thread to discuss how bad she is, or give Fatherof3 some advice on what we feel he could do to make the best of it.

 

 

post #22 of 77
Thread Starter 



 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phoenix~Mama View Post

I'll take a stab at this... you likely won't like it... but it's honest.

 

 

If I was your wife, I'd be pretty upset too.  So, yes, she changed the plans to move back to where her family base is sooner... Well, I can tell you that pregnancy hormones screw you up.  lol  A woman isn't neccessarily all logic while pregnant.  There is HIGH emotion, and many woman become Mama Bear immediately.

 

To be honest, if I was your wife and you were putting GROWN ADULT children (because from what I gather your youngest is 18/19? that is an adult)... before me and the marriage... yeah, I'd be pretty hurt and would definitely take it personal as you against the "new" family as well.  Just my humble opinion on the matter.

 

It may do you good to truly put yourself in her shoes for a moment.

 

I don't think it's healthy to put anyone as a constant number one.  It should be a balance given many considerations.  Obviously young children's needs often are more pressing and come first a lot of times... but there should also be time made for a spouse, as that relationship will continue once those children are grown.

 

Your children are grown.  Wether you want to admit that or not... they are.  ;-)   So the ball in in your court what to do with your YOUNG family.  I would think a baby's needs for his Father trump that of grown adult daughters....

 

With all due respect, i find it amazing that you think it's okay for anybody, whether she be a pregnant woman or not, to make a lot of big promises specific to our situation with my children, blow them off completely, and look at me as though I'm somehow the negligent one in this equation.    As I've stated previously, had I known this was going to be a paramount necessity this soon after our marriage, I would not have gotten married.     My children being "grown" means what - that I should kiss them goodbye and wish them luck?   See them on the holidays?   You make this sound like I've taken it too far or that I'm being selfish for having an active relationship with them.   Most men would run off to Atlanta, kiss their kids goodbye, and that would be that, but as I've already established, I wasn't the weekend parent.      I played both parental roles throughout their lives and that developed a very tight bond.    Asking my wife to wait another two or three years, given that she already knew the dynamic between myself and my kids in addition to wanting to play a role in that dynamic - in addition to wanting the girls to have a a close relationship with the baby (in essence the agreement i needed to commit to growing my family with additional children and getting married to her) - and finally, in addition to her saying she understood this need, is not unreasonable at all in my opinion.    There is an anxiousness to her decision that has more or less rendered both her word and her credibility in declarations of love to my children false.     Are you suggesting that she should not be held somewhat accountable for breaking her word?      For not being more patient?   I just feel like you see no wrong in what's happening here and that keeping one's word isn't as important as the will of somebody acting, IMHO, slightly irrationally.

 

And sorry, but 18 may be an adult legally, but that doesn't mean the kid is an adult yet.

 

I respect your opinion and obviously you share her point of view and I'm not foolish enough not to comprehend that things change and people do as well.     But I do think that when we married with an understanding that we would be living here for a long time, agreeing to a move to another city in time for our son to make friends and start school in the same city is a good compromise.    Obviously she disagrees, as do you.    The bottom line is that she changed the deal and truly made this all about her when it could have been managed in a way for all parties to get most of what they wanted.

 

Let's face it.........if I were to leave with her now, for example, there would be people calling me out saying that I was selfish for ditching my "adult" kids in St Louis.     But I doubt I'm the only parent on this board that doesn't empathize with my not being ready to leave my daughters today.    And I hardly think I'm out of line for not just picking up, leaving my kids, the rest of my family and my career because my wife HAS to suddenly change our arrangement.     Even if I were to agree to do this in the short term, it would take a long time for me to find something that pays as well as my current job does........I just think rushed decisions like this are dangerous and in this case, her decision will hurt many people.

 

Thanks for your insight though.

 

    



 

 

post #23 of 77
Thread Starter 



 

Quote:
Originally Posted by CrunchyChristianMama View Post




I just wanted to clarify something.  I haven't really addressed what the wife has done wrong because she isn't the one on here asking for advice.  Clearly she has done several things very wrong and continues to make this situation very difficult.  I don't want to minimize her role in this.  But clearly she is not going to step up and do what is best for the whole family unit, so we can either have a thread to discuss how bad she is, or give Fatherof3 some advice on what we feel he could do to make the best of it.

 

 


I need to thank all of you again......even those of you I may not agree with, for taking time to humor a father on a site dedicated to mothering.    I suppose on some level it is typical of a man to assume that such a community would at least embrace the discussion (and you have all been truly wonderful hosts) and give me a woman's point of view, but I did come here in hopes of seeing this outside of myself as I've attempted to do with my wife for the past 6 weeks.    And truly, emotionally, I go back and forth between anger, compassion, understanding and angst.    This certainly isn't pleasant times around my world.     But I do want to make clear that I know (as well as a man can understand if not FEEL what it is) that pregnancy is a monumental task for any woman and that all the changes that occur are massive in scope and magnitude, not only to your body, but especially to your emotions, heart and mind.    I don't claim to know anything about any of it, other than what I've learned through 3 and a half pregnancies.   But this is so hard to understand at times.    So please forgive me for seeming at all like a jerk in some of my responses.

 


 

 

post #24 of 77

OP, if you think that divorce is a legitimate option for you, I would start talking to an attorney immediately. I'm not sure why you think that just because you're the male parent, you would be relegated to seeing your son only a few times a year. I'm no expert here, but as far as I know, courts are much more likely to divide custody equally (or at least more equitably) than they used to. And once there is a legal custody agreement in place, your wife is required to adhere to the agreement or risk losing custody altogether. My personal knowledge is only n=1 (a family member), but in her case, she was not allowed to move out of state with her child--and in that case, she was not even married to the father. Whatever you decide to do, I think you should go into it knowing precisely what your parental rights are. 

 

I also think people are being a little hard on you. I don't think anyone would so easily uproot his entire life (I assume you have a job and friends in St. Louis, as well as your children and mother) for what seems like an out-of-the-blue demand. I'm not saying that I don't think you should at least consider the Atlanta move, but it's not clear to me why your wife's desires should automatically trump every other consideration.

post #25 of 77
Thread Starter 

And thank you all for reminding me of the simple truth that signing off on my son would haunt me forever.    I suppose on some level, since none of us have any real control over much of what happens to each of us in this world, that my wife doing what she is doing is quite simply what it is.......I've often wondered what happens if I do move there and she finds out that atlanta isn't the answer to her prayers.......that the pain she's felt at losing her mother so painfully is still there - what then?     But the point is the same.......deal upheld, or deal broken - this baby is innocent and he is my baby as much as her baby.

 

So........I will be in this child's life:)    Not sure my own daughters would have understood it any other way either:)

 

I realize as a man, I'm pretty much an outsider on this board, but you all have been very thoughtful and considerate to let me talk with you.     Would it be out of line of me to continue to request insight from you all in the future?     Is there a man board on this site?

 

God Bless all of you in your own challenges and with your own joys and children.

 

Thank You for helping me find some obvious clarity!

 

John

post #26 of 77
Thread Starter 



 

Quote:
Originally Posted by NYCVeg View Post

OP, if you think that divorce is a legitimate option for you, I would start talking to an attorney immediately. I'm not sure why you think that just because you're the male parent, you would be relegated to seeing your son only a few times a year. I'm no expert here, but as far as I know, courts are much more likely to divide custody equally (or at least more equitably) than they used to. And once there is a legal custody agreement in place, your wife is required to adhere to the agreement or risk losing custody altogether. My personal knowledge is only n=1 (a family member), but in her case, she was not allowed to move out of state with her child--and in that case, she was not even married to the father. Whatever you decide to do, I think you should go into it knowing precisely what your parental rights are. 

 

I also think people are being a little hard on you. I don't think anyone would so easily uproot his entire life (I assume you have a job and friends in St. Louis, as well as your children and mother) for what seems like an out-of-the-blue demand. I'm not saying that I don't think you should at least consider the Atlanta move, but it's not clear to me why your wife's desires should automatically trump every other consideration.


Thank you:)

 

Was starting to think I was going a little crazy for feeling somewhat betrayed on a lot of levels.

 

Yes......it's hard to say with certainty that I know a divorce is best when my first hope would be that we maintain our union and raise our son as an intact unit.     But I will seek legal counsel to figure out my options.

 

Again, ladies - I would LOVE to keep talking with all of you - you've really been a beacon during a weird time.


 

 

post #27 of 77

Is there a reason moving isn't an option at all?  It sounds like you have the means for your older children to visit regularly, they certainly are capable of relocating if they feel the need to be closer, and simply put you ARE choosing your desires to keep things as they are as superior to the needs and wants of the newly created family.  I was in college and on my own before I was 16.  Yes, I still was in contact with my parents- usually by phone and occasionally for holiday trips, but by early adulthood- I would absolutely be in favor of explaining to adult children that my life was pulling me to a new home and they would be welcome to stay where they are or come with me.  

 

What keeps you where you are at the expense of being the parent you want to be to a new child? You are using the older kids as reasons, but at their ages, that isn't a reason- even if they AREN'T independent.  Parents move all the time, and they take their kids with them.  Your adult children can relocate or stay where they are, they should not prevent you from following the life you want, and they certainly are not reason to abandon a baby because it's inconvenient to think about having to change things to be closer to him. 

 

My parents decided when I was in college that it was time to relocate.  They certainly told me that I was welcome to come there when I wanted/needed, and tht I had a home with them if I chose to, but they also were clear that I was an adult, and if I chose to stay where I was that was ok as well.  It was time for me to choose what I wanted in my life.  That wasn't a rejection of me, and there didn't become any less parents to me because their lives took them elsewhere when I was in that halfway into adulthood phase.  When I needed support or help I picked up the phone or took a road trip. 

 

You can't cling to them as an excuse here.  You can choose not to leave to follow your wife and baby who will be here very soon, but you aren't making that choice for your adult children- you are making it for yourself, and if that IS the choice you make, you should certainly be able to understand your wife's anger and disappointment and you should do it knowing that you will be choosing NOT to be terribly involved in your baby's life.  You alone have to own the decision you make now- regardless of the way your wife has gone about things so far.  What she has done is certainly not the most ideal path, but the question isn't bout that- it's about what you should do going forward that is in the best interest of everyone involved, including and especially this new baby who you chose to bring into the world, and who deserves to grow up knowing two parents on a regular basis, but doesn't have a voice of his own.

post #28 of 77
Quote:
Originally Posted by CrunchyChristianMama View Post




I just wanted to clarify something.  I haven't really addressed what the wife has done wrong because she isn't the one on here asking for advice.  Clearly she has done several things very wrong and continues to make this situation very difficult.  I don't want to minimize her role in this.  But clearly she is not going to step up and do what is best for the whole family unit, so we can either have a thread to discuss how bad she is, or give Fatherof3 some advice on what we feel he could do to make the best of it.

 

 


Okay, you are right. I shouldn't pass judgment, since I don't know her side of the story. I was too harsh on her in defense of the OP and I mainly wanted to point out that the OP has no control over this situation until the birth and that he does have an obligation to his existing children, who are nearly grown, but still largely dependent on him for the time being.

I am curious why she needs to move to Atlanta right now. There are completely valid reasons to make a decision like that. Career or mental health reasons could be reasons that make her leaving now mostly unavoidable, especially if she knows the marriage is over regardless.

Aren't there some women here whose relationships ended during pregnancy? I bet they'd have some great advice about how to proceed with this. lurk.gif
post #29 of 77
Quote:
Originally Posted by fatherof3 View Post



 


Thank you:)

 

Was starting to think I was going a little crazy for feeling somewhat betrayed on a lot of levels.

 

Yes......it's hard to say with certainty that I know a divorce is best when my first hope would be that we maintain our union and raise our son as an intact unit.     But I will seek legal counsel to figure out my options.

 

Again, ladies - I would LOVE to keep talking with all of you - you've really been a beacon during a weird time.


 

 


This is not a women only forum. In fact, there are two forums Im sure you would be interested in. One is just for dads (which is usually not very active, but you could change that!) and the other is for people who live in your area. Then, there is also a forum called Parents as Partners where people can discuss both positive and negative things about the people they are raising a child with.

http://www.mothering.com/community/forum/list/40/dads
http://www.mothering.com/community/forum/list/86/missouri-illinois-iowa
http://www.mothering.com/community/forum/list/41/parents-as-partners
post #30 of 77

Hi,

 

I'm sorry for your pain.  You'd said that she was drinking heavily for a while due to her unhappiness adjusting to the new family life after the initial honeymoon.  It seems to me that was possibly the "real" her.  That is not a normal reaction to stress.  Here are some words that helped me see my relationship with my husband was unworkable:

 

Drug/alchohol abuse is an attempt to escape from what is felt to be an untenable reality. It is believed that the escape is the solution but this is part of the illusion.

Any solution that is not based in reality is no real solution at all.  When one member of a family retreats into this drug induced illusion it becomes impossible for the family to sustain itself in a healthy and life giving way. A link in the chain is sorely damaged. What is real can no longer be relied upon as common ground. Communication cannot make its way across the gulf between reality and the escape from that reality.

 

I would suggest that you not give away/lose your parental rights by letting her move to Atlanta.  She can't move out-of-state without your consent.  It could be that she will not adjust well to motherhood & you'll want to be watching that.  Children need protection & a healthy parent can do that, an unhealthy one can not.  Are you sure she's the type of woman you want to raise your son, solo?

 

P.S.  I just want to add that doesn't all this seem a bit crazy to you??  You put forth a plan for moving in a few years, not drastically changing the vision you two had shared....but modifying it to suit her changing needs.  She rejected that, abruptly.  When there is a lot of crazyiness/things that don't jibe & make sense...pay attention.  There is more going on that the words she is saying to you.

 

Your son will need you in his Life.


P.P.S.  I wouldn't want to leave my young adult children either.  It would be great if your wife could understand that & feel secure that you will move with her in a few years. 


Edited by newmomlearning - 7/14/11 at 7:30pm
post #31 of 77

Does she have a firm job offer on the table right now if she leaves or is she hoping to quit and leave then get a job?  If she is just looking to cut bait and run then it sounds like she is being irrational and you should do everything in your power to make sure your son is going to be safe.  The job market is awful and just up and quitting is very irrational.  Leaving security behind doesn't seem like something a pregnant woman would want to do and it isn't something I think you should support.

 

I don't think you should have to drop your children and grandchild from your life just because your wife wants to go back home to her parents.  With her well paying job she is probably in a better position to visit her parents by plane than your girls are as young adults even if they get a job that pays well for a young adult just out of high school.  Family is important to everyone, but it sounds like you have shown your devotion to your family from day one whereas hers is a new development.  I really think you need a good lawyer, a divorce, and a 50/50 custody order set up starting from birth.

post #32 of 77

Fatherof3: i don't know if you're still reading or if you've moved on, but i was just thinking about your situation a little more and i wanted to clarify how old is your wife? is she 32? 

 

i mean *no judgment* either way, but maybe she is young enough to still need her parents/her family. ?? 

 

also, doing the math as you stated earlier that you are 42, then you had your first child when you were 18?... and from the sounds of it (having had 2 more in fairly quick order), you and your first wife were obviously "on your own" and established yourselves and your lives independent from your own sets of parents?

 

just saying, there are a bunch of ways to look at things. and blended families are tough!

 

i was glad to read that option #3 (relinquishing parental rights) is off the table for you.

 

and i'm still hopeful that you and your wife can find a way to work it out! best of luck to you!
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by fatherof3 View Post

And I too agree that when somebody as instrumental to one's view of the world and sense of safety as your MOTHER, kills herself after she's built 25 loving years with you as your biggest fan, it has to be crushing.   

post #33 of 77

OP, you sound like a really good, caring dad. Your love for your daughters is clear, and your commitment to them commendable.

 

At the same time, your love and commitment to your spouse is much shakier, and it doesn't seem to have started after the discussion about moving. You both seem in self-protective mode, getting further and further entrenched in your own points of view. If you came here to try to get other perspectives, including seeing hers, I'll offer you a few thoughts.

 

- She probably doted on your daughters as a way to get closer to you. She probably understood that in order to win your love, she had to love what mattered most to you. For that reason, she seems to have sacrificed her needs over the years because she put the desire to be loved by you above all others. I'm not saying that you encouraged this behavior, but I'm wondering is she deserves more credit for the sacrifice and investment she put into the family. Or at least understand that she was in a situation that demanded that she accept her secondary role in your life, even as she made sacrifices for you, in order to win your love.

- You seem really stuck on this idea that she changed the rules of the game. It's true, she did. But babies are game changers. They upend your priorities and your life. As other posters have written, I wonder if having a child made being closer to her family more important to her. It probably also made it very important to her to know that you would support her and this child as fully as you do your daughters. It doesn't seem that you do. It's alright if those are your priorities--you're not a bad person for it--but I don't know how possible it would be for her to come back to you, fully committed to your family, if she doesn't feel that you'd do the same for her. It doesn't matter that you say you'd do it in a few years. 

- It struck me as really odd that your daughter would thank you for choosing her over your wife/her stepmother. It's a shame that the situation has boiled down to that. It seems, as you say, much more complicated. But I think if your daughter is seeing the situation in this way, and you seem to feel good that she acknowledges your devotion as a dad, you should also understand why your wife would see the situation in the same way and would feel devastated about your lack of devotion to her and the baby.

- 18+ seems old enough. Granted, children that age in this country often still want to have their parents around, but your infant son needs you. I agree with an earlier poster that you might be using the daughters as a way to not have to deal with the implications of your own choices.

- Your driving to Atlanta really made an impression on her. For that reason, I'm inclined to believe that it really is about knowing that you prioritize her in your life.

 

All that said, I wouldn't think you're at fault or to blame if you decided not to move to Atlanta.

post #34 of 77
Quote:
Originally Posted by beautifulmoon View Post

OP, you sound like a really good, caring dad. Your love for your daughters is clear, and your commitment to them commendable.

 

At the same time, your love and commitment to your spouse is much shakier, and it doesn't seem to have started after the discussion about moving. You both seem in self-protective mode, getting further and further entrenched in your own points of view. If you came here to try to get other perspectives, including seeing hers, I'll offer you a few thoughts.

 

- She probably doted on your daughters as a way to get closer to you. She probably understood that in order to win your love, she had to love what mattered most to you. For that reason, she seems to have sacrificed her needs over the years because she put the desire to be loved by you above all others. I'm not saying that you encouraged this behavior, but I'm wondering is she deserves more credit for the sacrifice and investment she put into the family. Or at least understand that she was in a situation that demanded that she accept her secondary role in your life, even as she made sacrifices for you, in order to win your love.

- You seem really stuck on this idea that she changed the rules of the game. It's true, she did. But babies are game changers. They upend your priorities and your life. As other posters have written, I wonder if having a child made being closer to her family more important to her. It probably also made it very important to her to know that you would support her and this child as fully as you do your daughters. It doesn't seem that you do. It's alright if those are your priorities--you're not a bad person for it--but I don't know how possible it would be for her to come back to you, fully committed to your family, if she doesn't feel that you'd do the same for her. It doesn't matter that you say you'd do it in a few years. 

- It struck me as really odd that your daughter would thank you for choosing her over your wife/her stepmother. It's a shame that the situation has boiled down to that. It seems, as you say, much more complicated. But I think if your daughter is seeing the situation in this way, and you seem to feel good that she acknowledges your devotion as a dad, you should also understand why your wife would see the situation in the same way and would feel devastated about your lack of devotion to her and the baby.

- 18+ seems old enough. Granted, children that age in this country often still want to have their parents around, but your infant son needs you. I agree with an earlier poster that you might be using the daughters as a way to not have to deal with the implications of your own choices.

- Your driving to Atlanta really made an impression on her. For that reason, I'm inclined to believe that it really is about knowing that you prioritize her in your life.

 

All that said, I wouldn't think you're at fault or to blame if you decided not to move to Atlanta.


This post was beautifully written and far more outlined my thoughts on the matter.

 

I do empathize with you, Fatherof3.  Having the tables turned on you while you had a plan with your partner... well, it sucks.  Been there, done that.

 

But you will drive yourself absolutely insane by dwelling on the fact that she changed things.  The fact is she did... and now you are left with a decision on how to move forward... you can never move backward in life... only forward. 

 

I was a stepmom before I ever became a mother.  It is incredibly hard.  There are a lot of emotions involved with being a step parent... not all of them pleasant, and a lot of working through those emotions really depends on having a supportive and understanding partner.

 

You sound like a very thoughtful man, very articulate, and obviously very loving.  And coming here for perspective, I think speaks volumes about your character in a positive way.  It seems that you do still care about your wife... and honestly, if you dream of reconcillation in anyway... please put yourself in her shoes, and see the situation from her eyes as well.

 

Sometimes in relationships, one partner does "have to be the bigger person", and take responsibility for the part they played to cause strife as well.  I am not saying you are wrong for not wanting to uproot your whole life suddenly.  Definitely not. 

 

But here's some more thoughts... maybe your offer of waiting a few years to move came at the wrong time for your wife?  Maybe she was already too far into being hurt and feeling like you did not put her and your new life with her and your child together first.  I hate the word first, but needed it for this explanation... I guess more of a priority.  She may have felt an imminent need to flee because she felt so unsupported and desperately needed support from somewhere.

 

Or she really felt like she needed to do something really extreme to get your attention.  Maybe she is still waiting for you to come up with the grand gesture to show how much you really do want this life with her and how excited you are to have another blessing of a child.

 

I can tell you my own personal experience of being a stepmom first, then when I became pregnant with my first child.  I was scared to death that my then husband was not going to love the new baby as much as his older child... or be as excited about everything.  Unfortunately, my fears were right because my ex is a narcissitic abusive jerk... but anyway... my point is... your wife could maybe really need the extra love and support and for you to really show that you did marry her for a reason and really do want a life with her.

 

No one has a crystal ball on what life is going to throw at us and exactly what are reactions are going to be to said challenges that come our way... but I do feel that in a good relationship... there has to be a way to talk through the challenge and work through it.  Sometimes that means sacrifice on one or both people...

 

As someone who has come from multiple abusive relationships... it's very hard for me to fathom just throwing away a healthy one.  Relationships are work... life is a challenge... but we each have a choice on wether to rise up to those challenges and get through it.

 

Perhaps reading through Blended Family on this board will help you gain some more insight as well.

 

I'm just saying... your adult children do not need you anywhere near to the extent that your pregnant wife and baby need you right now. 

 

post #35 of 77

Fo3, you're going to find that MDC has mostly parents of younger (very young) children and as such are going to see babies and small children as "more important" than older children and that's going to influence their replies.

 

IMO, you married someone who either had plans she withheld from you or who radically changed her expectations after you got married - either one is not especially fair and I don't think it falls to you to turn your life upside down because she's suddenly decided she wants to live somewhere else.  I would be speaking to a lawyer as soon as possible.  

post #36 of 77
Thread Starter 



 

Quote:
Originally Posted by newmomlearning View Post

Hi,

 

I'm sorry for your pain.  You'd said that she was drinking heavily for a while due to her unhappiness adjusting to the new family life after the initial honeymoon.  It seems to me that was possibly the "real" her.  That is not a normal reaction to stress.  Here are some words that helped me see my relationship with my husband was unworkable:

 

Drug/alchohol abuse is an attempt to escape from what is felt to be an untenable reality. It is believed that the escape is the solution but this is part of the illusion.

Any solution that is not based in reality is no real solution at all.  When one member of a family retreats into this drug induced illusion it becomes impossible for the family to sustain itself in a healthy and life giving way. A link in the chain is sorely damaged. What is real can no longer be relied upon as common ground. Communication cannot make its way across the gulf between reality and the escape from that reality.

 

I would suggest that you not give away/lose your parental rights by letting her move to Atlanta.  She can't move out-of-state without your consent.  It could be that she will not adjust well to motherhood & you'll want to be watching that.  Children need protection & a healthy parent can do that, an unhealthy one can not.  Are you sure she's the type of woman you want to raise your son, solo?

 

P.S.  I just want to add that doesn't all this seem a bit crazy to you??  You put forth a plan for moving in a few years, not drastically changing the vision you two had shared....but modifying it to suit her changing needs.  She rejected that, abruptly.  When there is a lot of crazyiness/things that don't jibe & make sense...pay attention.  There is more going on that the words she is saying to you.

 

Your son will need you in his Life.


P.P.S.  I wouldn't want to leave my young adult children either.  It would be great if your wife could understand that & feel secure that you will move with her in a few years. 



 Yes - I do think this is crazy.     I think this is the worst possible thing she could do.    I mean, if she had had an affair, it would be far more manageable than this, as nutty as that may sound.      You all need to understand that my wife and I talked for months at the beginning of this relationship about how important it was for me to maintain my residence in this town.     The truth is that she always used to say that she knew by falling in love with me that we would most likely "be here forever" and that she was okay with that.    And in all honestly, my response was always that I didn't think it would be fair for us to live here forever, and that at some point in the next five years or so, we could move wherever she wanted.    But back then, the few times that came up, she never once mentioned Atlanta where her father and brother are.     But she said it would be great to seek out some adventure in a new place where we knew nobody.      It's also important to note, that almost five years ago, when we first started out, she had a job opportunity in Atlanta that came up.      We'd only been gonig out for 2 months, but we were deeply in love.    Still, she asked me what I thought she should do.     At the time, I was looking at her becoming integrated into my family and how hard I knew that would be, and I also thought it would be too selfish of me to keep her from moving because she was from the south and she would be closer to her family.     I knew that it must be hard to live life having lost a mother to suicide and I myself was coming out of a 6 year relationship and didn't think my head was clear enough to even know then if i should be in a new relationship.      We slept on it, and in the morning I told her how much I loved her, and how much I would miss her, but that I thought she needed to take the job.     She told me she felt the same way and then that night, she called me up crying, telling me how she lied and that she didn't want to leave our relationship, and she stayed.    

 

I would be lying if I said that the concept of moving hasn't been implied or suggested in some capacity over the years, but all baby talk surrounded the basic concept that the new baby would have 3 loving sisters in his/her life.......the idea was that for the next few years, we would be here.    We wouldn't leave with the baby anytime soon.    I'm not a selfish jerk........yes, my entire circle of friends, my family, my kids and my career are all here.

But my kids' lives are here.     Their mother lives here, their friends, etc.     No, I don't have to live here with them forever.    Again - I made a proposal that I think is both fair and sensitive to her needs and is a true compromise.      Three years in exchange for the rest of our lives is a fair trade-off and nobody is going to convince me otherwise.

 

My concern with my wife is this..........she is abundantly intelligent, strong willed, organized, focused and generally capable of solving problems.    But she also rushes to judgement, rushes into big decisions, and often ignores the fine print which has often blown up in her face.     To me, this is no different than any other example in her life when she has been so focused on the next blip on the horizon that she completely ignores the danger right underneath her nose.     While we have been off in many ways since that company made the Atlanta job offer to her back in February, at the same time we found out she was pregnant, we still functioned.    But to me, the biggest thing that changed was that for the first time since her mother's suicide, she no longer had any escape.    While I would never call her an alcoholic, I would say when she was blue and missing her Mom (which was very obvious both during our wedding as well as at the start of the pregnancy) she used to down a bottle of wine.     This wasn't all the time, but it was more frequent after we became married.      Once she became pregnant, she no longer had a chemical escape.    She's had to face her new life and her mother's death without any form of escape.     My primary concern is that she is fully depressed.    She started seeing a counselor who more or less suggested that she'd made all these decisions (as far as marrying a man with 3 children;   a man who'd been divorced previously;   did all these wonderful things to earn our love even when it was not expected of her) for the wrong reasons, and this counselor more or less encouraged her to shake things up in her life and hence she moved.    But I know my wife........she's often very selective in her story telling and I don't how much of what she told this counselor was true, honest, information.     Have they explored the manifestations of losing a parent to suicide?     Have they covered how my wife has often dived headlong into things and then found out that they weren't exactly as she planned before she pulls out with a change of heart?    Have the covered what kind of message is sent to a child when a parent takes her life?     That perhaps the message is when things get to tough, it's okay to throw in the towel?

 

I'm not expert on any of this.    I do often wonder how the birth of our son will impact her.    Will it help her?     Will it change her focus?    Will it make her even worse?    I suppose only some of you can tell me your thoughts on that.    Part of me has always believed that a child would help fill that void inside of her - help balance her out a bit more......and maybe then we can patch this back up.     But I suppose the reality may be that it makes her even more depressed.

 

I don't know.

 

To answer all of you who are wondering why I haven't just packed my bags and left for Atlanta.......it's easy.    My job isn't easily replaced.......there may be an opportunity down there and maybe it will pay well and maybe it won't.     My kids ARE here, and my daughter goes to college relatively close by.    She starts there in about a month.    My youngest daughter is having some major issues adapting to being a responsible young lady, and I'm trying to work with her and help her get on track.    If I left now, I would truly feel as though I were abandoning an opportunity to help her evolve to the next level.     My oldest daughter is about to finish nursing school and has my grandson.      Again - in 3 years, it's a much different landscape.   

 

I've given this a lot of thought and I agree there's no way I could never have a reltionship with my son.     He will need me and I will need him.     I suppose after I move this weekend I will focus on finding a lawyer and at least educating myself on my options.    I don't know that she can just leave state like this even if she does have the baby in atlanta.     I think I should have an opportunity to have that relationship here, as per the plan.

 

 

 

Can any of you give me any thoughts about how pregnancy made you do some irrational things and how that changed after the baby was born?     Given how sudden this is and how quickly she just closed the door on my daughters and my mother (again - she built solid, loving relationships with all of them) and asked not to see any of them given her concern over weakened resolve, I just have to wonder if she isn't just totally unstable mentally right now.

 

 

post #37 of 77
Thread Starter 



 

Quote:
Originally Posted by ElliesMomma View Post

Fatherof3: i don't know if you're still reading or if you've moved on, but i was just thinking about your situation a little more and i wanted to clarify how old is your wife? is she 32? 

 

i mean *no judgment* either way, but maybe she is young enough to still need her parents/her family. ?? 

 

also, doing the math as you stated earlier that you are 42, then you had your first child when you were 18?... and from the sounds of it (having had 2 more in fairly quick order), you and your first wife were obviously "on your own" and established yourselves and your lives independent from your own sets of parents?

 

just saying, there are a bunch of ways to look at things. and blended families are tough!

 

i was glad to read that option #3 (relinquishing parental rights) is off the table for you.

 

and i'm still hopeful that you and your wife can find a way to work it out! best of luck to you!
 



 She is 33 and she does want her family (her father and brother) in her life.    That is true.    And that's why I said I would never seek to keep her here for too long.     I think people forget that I want to make my wife happy:)    I realize my position may in many ways seem selfish, but i don't think it's selfish to love one's children and want to be there for them as they cross over from teenagers to young adults......nor do i think i need to be here forever to have a lasting and important relationship with them.     But my wife knew what she was getting into.   She has admitted so many times that she fell in love with me, among other things, due to my dedication to my children and the sacrifices I made (lovingly and happily - not trying to sound like a martyr), but that she also hates that about me now, since it's kept me from jumping up for a joy at the job offer made to her earlier in the year.

 

she has a good job and can work anywhere, remotely.  

 

 

post #38 of 77
Thread Starter 



 

Quote:
Originally Posted by beautifulmoon View Post

OP, you sound like a really good, caring dad. Your love for your daughters is clear, and your commitment to them commendable.

 

At the same time, your love and commitment to your spouse is much shakier, and it doesn't seem to have started after the discussion about moving. You both seem in self-protective mode, getting further and further entrenched in your own points of view. If you came here to try to get other perspectives, including seeing hers, I'll offer you a few thoughts.

 

- She probably doted on your daughters as a way to get closer to you. She probably understood that in order to win your love, she had to love what mattered most to you. For that reason, she seems to have sacrificed her needs over the years because she put the desire to be loved by you above all others. I'm not saying that you encouraged this behavior, but I'm wondering is she deserves more credit for the sacrifice and investment she put into the family. Or at least understand that she was in a situation that demanded that she accept her secondary role in your life, even as she made sacrifices for you, in order to win your love.

- You seem really stuck on this idea that she changed the rules of the game. It's true, she did. But babies are game changers. They upend your priorities and your life. As other posters have written, I wonder if having a child made being closer to her family more important to her. It probably also made it very important to her to know that you would support her and this child as fully as you do your daughters. It doesn't seem that you do. It's alright if those are your priorities--you're not a bad person for it--but I don't know how possible it would be for her to come back to you, fully committed to your family, if she doesn't feel that you'd do the same for her. It doesn't matter that you say you'd do it in a few years. 

- It struck me as really odd that your daughter would thank you for choosing her over your wife/her stepmother. It's a shame that the situation has boiled down to that. It seems, as you say, much more complicated. But I think if your daughter is seeing the situation in this way, and you seem to feel good that she acknowledges your devotion as a dad, you should also understand why your wife would see the situation in the same way and would feel devastated about your lack of devotion to her and the baby.

- 18+ seems old enough. Granted, children that age in this country often still want to have their parents around, but your infant son needs you. I agree with an earlier poster that you might be using the daughters as a way to not have to deal with the implications of your own choices.

- Your driving to Atlanta really made an impression on her. For that reason, I'm inclined to believe that it really is about knowing that you prioritize her in your life.

 

All that said, I wouldn't think you're at fault or to blame if you decided not to move to Atlanta.


 

 

Thank you for this post.    Yes, my wife did just that - she sacrificed a lot to be in my life.     And I warned her of that.   I told her that this situation could very easily chew her up and spit her out if she wasn't careful.......that it's very difficult to join a pre-made family.     But you can talk until you are blue in the face and it doesn't really make someone understand until they're in the moment.

 

I'm sure that's a big part of how she feels.........that she has sacrificed so much for our relationship and that now it's my turn.     But I guess that's not quite how I look at love and relationships.     Sure, we all have individual needs, but there is always a greater good that's more important than just our own personal needs.     Sacrifice or not, it's simply what the situation called for.     I didn't point a gun at her head and say she had to do any of thise, in fact, most of what she did in terms of diving into my family and into the lives of my children, she did far more quickly than I wanted.   She really wanted to make an impression!    And it was hard b/c I was trying to limit her enthusiasm and simply let the situation dictate the pacing.    She had a tendency to rush into things and into decisions.    But please don't misunderstand, at the root of this move, I know, is her sense that she did make all these sacrifices and now I'm limiting her to staying here for now.

 

So let's discuss this - if she feels betrayed herself and that I've made my son and her, second, which is one way to look at this, previous agreements notwithstanding, is there a way to save us?
 

 

post #39 of 77
Thread Starter 

And to be clear, I'm not using my daughters to hide from any implications of my decision to marry my wife and have kids with her.    It's an interesting theory, but it's not true.    Again - I'm more than willing to move........and I could even see doing it in a year I suppose........but doing it now when my stepfather just died two weeks ago (and i have no siblings) and my Mom is all alone for the first time since she was 19..........ugh.......this is just the worst time.

 

We went to counseling and the counselor told us that we needed to focus on each and having the baby before we mapped out a strategy for Atlanta.......she then went and found another counselor on her own that more or less told her the opposite.

 

 

post #40 of 77

Actually I wouldn't move if I were you. Yes, I do think you need to be involved in the baby's life, as much as you possibly can, but not at the expense of giving up your life long home, multiple other children & grandchildren, job, livelihood etc. Look, no one can ever predict what will happen in a relationship. No one would ever get married or have kids if they could. You need to work through this anger and resentment and focus on what you can do to be in the baby's life. Compromise, compromise, compromise. This woman choose to leave. That is not your problem. Your issue is how can you be the best possible father in the situation at hand. I think, especially on the Single mom's board, that a woman leaving (with kids or pregnant) in the middle of a divorce and typically when there is abuse at hand, to be with her family is something we all applaud. Being single and pregnant or with small kids is freaking hard so being near family is paramount. I think all things aside just get your focus on setting up a very guidelined custody agreement with this woman going through the developmental stages of the baby's life is important. I don't know what kind of mom she will be (nursing, co-sleeping etc) but set up a schedule in the best interest of the baby and be very detailed. Good luck.

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