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heartbroken over pregnant wife leaving with son - Page 3

post #41 of 77

Fatherof3--  Have you talked to an attorney yet?  You need to find out what your rights are and if she even can take or keep this baby out of state once he is born without your consent.  This isn't 1950 and courts tend to award 50/50 custody if there isn't a glaring issue with one parent.  Quite frankly, it sounds like you are the more stable of the two of you.  I think you need to talk to an attorney ASAP-as in before she leaves.  You have a history of parenting well and raising three kids already which will speak volumes in the courts. You are also not the one trying to pick up your life and move.  You have a job and a life here.

 

I wouldn't pick up and leave for someone who sounds so unstable.  I understand her need to be near family, etc., but I have a strong suspicion that *you* are not going to be enough, *this baby* is not going to be enough, and *her family* is not going to be enough.  There are issues and turmoil going on within her that I don't think any outside person or force can fix.  I really think if everything you're saying is accurate, that she should be in serious therapy addressing *her* issues.  I don't think you are going to be able to salvage a relationship with her no matter where you move or what lengths you go to if she doesn't address her grief and everything else going on.  Aside from agreeing that an 18 year old can still truly need her father, and knowing that it is highly unlikely that you won't be granted 50/50 custody no matter where she moves, I just think moving is a bad idea because what she needs isn't for someone to chase her around trying to fix her problems.  She needs to own this and be willing to address it herself.  That doesn't mean she doesn't deserve support and compassion from you.  She is your wife, after all.  I just don't think moving is going to be the cure-all everyone is hoping for and it definitely has some serious drawbacks. 

post #42 of 77

OP, you said that, because your wife is pregnant, she no longer has an escape (i.e., alcohol). I wonder if the sudden desire to move IS her escape. That is, if she sees the "fresh slate" as a way to get away from whatever problems she's struggling with in St. Louis. If this is the case, I would be even more reluctant to move--because I suspect that, once the bloom of newness wears off, she'll be stuck with the same internal issues and you will no longer have your own support network.

post #43 of 77
Quote:
Originally Posted by fatherof3 View Post

My children being "grown" means what - that I should kiss them goodbye and wish them luck?   See them on the holidays?   You make this sound like I've taken it too far or that I'm being selfish for having an active relationship with them. 

 


I'm going to say this as nicely as possible...... yes. Yes, you should do exactly that. Who do you think needs you more- your grown children or this totally helpless infant? You have set the groundwork with your grown adult children. It sounds like you did a marvelous job raising them, so I'm sure they know that you love them and will always be there for them. But that doesn't mean you have to be RIGHT THERE for them. You can be there via phone, skype, weekend trips, etc. If you really feel your youngest needs to be near you, why can't she move to Atlanta with you? Have you discussed that possibility with her to see what her thoughts are? Maybe you moving is the kick in the pants she needs to finishing growing up and start building her own life? It sounds like she would have support in St. Louis (her sisters and grandma, at least) so you wouldn't be leaving her completely alone. As far as your grandson- yes, it would be nice for you to have a relationship with him. But are you willing to sacrifice the relationship with your own son for your relationship with your grandson? A fathers role is to be there as much as possible. A grandfathers role is to spoil him rotten then send him home to the parents winky.gif

 

Does your wife plan on breastfeeding the baby? If she is, you are going to have a very hard time getting visits longer than a few hours with a newborn and infant. And, actually, a lot of states don't routinely order overnights until the child is at least a few years old. Have you considered all of that? You likely won't be awarded 50/50 physical custody with an infant that lives states away. Children need much more consistency than that. It is really hard to say what would happen, regarding custody, in this case.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by fatherof3 View Post

I'm sure that's a big part of how she feels.........that she has sacrificed so much for our relationship and that now it's my turn.     But I guess that's not quite how I look at love and relationships.     Sure, we all have individual needs, but there is always a greater good that's more important than just our own personal needs.

 

(((((SNIP))))

 

So let's discuss this - if she feels betrayed herself and that I've made my son and her, second, which is one way to look at this, previous agreements notwithstanding, is there a way to save us?
 

 


How do you look at love and relationships? From what it sounds like, you have a "this is the plan and we must stick with it no matter what" perspective. I understand that you and your wife made a plan and she suddenly flipped everything upside down, but is that because you were unwilling to compromise when she came to you and said that the plan wouldn't work for her anymore? My dh and I have planned many things over the last 4 years.... and then we've changed them. But the key is- we worked TOGETHER. One example- we had first discussed having another child in 4 or 5 years (which would have made it in 2013 or 2014). And here I am, in 2011, pregnant (on purpose winky.gif ). Last year I decided I really didn't want to wait that long to have another baby. I told my dh how I was feeling, and we discussed it (over many months- not just one discussion!). Was it unfair of me to change my mind on our original plan? I don't think so. I couldn't know back when we made the plan how I would feel in the future. Could I have just sucked it up and suffered for the next few years, knowing that I really wanted something different? Sure, but why should one part of the couple suffer just because "this isn't the plan!"? Plans are meant to be broken, apparently, in our relationship lol.gif

 

It really does sound like you are a great father to your older girls. It also sounds like you really want this to work with your wife. I just think you need to take a step back and really think about who needs you the most right now. You cannot control what your wife does. You can only control your actions. As far as I see it, you have 2 choices. You can stay where you are right now and hire an attorney to try and see your baby as much as possible (knowing that it probably won't be as much as you'd like to). If you stay where you are your wife may change her mind and move back (though it doesn't sound like she will). Or you can follow your wife to Atlanta. If you do this things may improve, or she may up and move again (in which case you will have to decide whether to keep chasing her or whether to just focus on building your own life and seeing your son as much as possible).

 

Do you even want to stay married? Do you feel like it's possible to stay married or is this relationship headed for the dumps no matter what you decide?

 

Either way, I don't envy your position. You are stuck between a rock and a hard place and it seems like no matter what decision you make, it could bite you in the butt. I wish you the best of luck.

post #44 of 77
Quote:
Originally Posted by StephandOwen View Post

 

Does your wife plan on breastfeeding the baby? If she is, you are going to have a very hard time getting visits longer than a few hours with a newborn and infant. And, actually, a lot of states don't routinely order overnights until the child is at least a few years old. Have you considered all of that? You likely won't be awarded 50/50 physical custody with an infant that lives states away. Children need much more consistency than that. It is really hard to say what would happen, regarding custody, in this case.

That isn't necessarily accurate.  I have a friend who was much more stable than her ex who ended up not only having 50/50 custody but the judge actually ordered her to provide dad with pumped breast milk for her baby.  OP won't know what his rights will be until he actually goes to court, but an attorney in his state can give him a better idea.  Not to mention, his wife leaving might affect custody majorly and in some states, if you move, you lose your rights to 50/50 and the parent who remains has primary custody. 

post #45 of 77

You are not a father of three, you are a father of four.  You have a son.  If you withdraw from your son's life and pretend he doesn't exist, he will feel abandoned by you and grow up without any father to talk to or rely on.  The idea that another man will come along and love him as his own and that - even if that fantastical scenario actually occurred - your son would never miss you, never wonder why you gave him up, never wonder why you abandoned him, never wonder why you loved your daughters more than you loved him - well, it's just not realistic.

 

This situation sucks for you and for your son.  I'm sorry your wife is having a meltdown.  A lot of women struggle with the partner relationship when pregnant because pregnancy hormones really make you protective of the baby and can lead to behavior that appears irrational from the outside.  That does not, however, change the level of responsibility, care, love and attention you owe your son.  Walking away from him will not make him any less your son.

 

I'm very sorry that your wife is leaving and if counseling has failed and she is adamant, there is probably little you can do to reconcile.  I understand that you don't want to be an every-other-weekend dad, but for a baby, and a boy, don't you think that's a heck of a lot better than having no dad at all?  If you are a decent father, which you very much seem to be, then that kid needs you, and I mean really needs you in his life.  Think of him in 18 years, getting his high school diploma, wishing his father could be there.  Think of him at 8 years old wondering if his daddy ever misses him or thinks about him.  Think of him at 13 or 14 wishing he could talk to a dad about growing up.

 

I think that if your wife can't be prevented from leaving the state, you should move to Atlanta to be with your son, whether or not you can salvage the relationship with your wife (probably not, and possibly there isn't good reason to even try to salvage it).  I'll be honest - I think most kids should be ready to be on their own by 18 - ready to start college and/or a job and be independent (with support, possibly, but still able to live on their own).  Your son needs you more than your daughters do, and you can still see your daughters!  If you move to Atlanta, instead of getting every-other-weekend visitation with your son, you could get 50/50 time with your son and fly back to St. Louis to see your daughters every other weekend.  You can stay close to your grown daughters without living in the same city or region.  If one of your daughters really isn't ready to be on her own and needs you that much, she can move with you to Atlanta.

 

You are not a father of three.  You are a father of four.  Your son deserves just as much of your time as your daughters did when they were little, and your daughters should be able to understand that.  Your relationship with your wife might not be something you can save, but you can never change the fact that you have a son.  I think it would be terribly damaging to him to abandon him - far more damaging than working out visitation and custody issues and living with having divorced parents.  Your son won't even remember his parents being married, so the arrangement will probably seem pretty normal/natural.

 

And you should definitely be talking with an attorney to determine your rights, responsibilities and best course of action from a legal perspective.

post #46 of 77

FatherOf3, I appreciate how you seem to be looking at all the angles.  Perhaps she's as unstable as can be, or perhaps she's just situationally depressed.  But here are my thoughts.

 

You've mentioned how hard she tried to fit in with your family.  This suggests that you view your first family as the anchor, and I understand that.  But this baby, to your wife, isn't merely a bonus round - this IS primary - her central and only focus.  Not to keep trying to make it work with a group that's been in place for years already.  Not that you coerced her into it, but it sounds exhausting for her to keep "fitting in" to something already there, something that is clearly your main priority.  Becoming a mother to her own child of course is far different than being a stepmother to your children.  I completely get that you wouldn't want to be away from your kids just because they're grown up.  But it must make her feel like an outsider all the time.  I wouldn't want to raise my child like that either - with everything already set up by you years ago in your former personal life - now she must live within those constraints.  It just sounds so stifling. 

 

Your posts are full of logic.  What you have proposed to her - staying in your current city for 3 years and then moving on - is very logical.  But those first three years - pregnancy, babyhood, all those "firsts" - may be the very years she needs the security of the place where her family is.  It sounds like she needs that security right now, not logic and grids and timelines.  She may feel the need to nest in a place that's HERS - not yours, just something she's latching onto.  Of course, logically, she should have explained exactly what she would do given any situation.  But how do we know, in life, until it happens?  It's not a logically drawn chart - how we feel often guides us.  It makes sense to me that her constant priority will not be your grown children. 

 

I'm certainly glad you've dropped the notion of abandoning your child.  There would have been no other word for it, regardless of all the thought behind it.  Better for the baby to know you're available somewhere, and constantly interested and keeping in touch - than disappearing altogether.  That seems unfathomable to me.

 

Maybe your wife, with some time apart, WILL feel differently.  Maybe it's the idea of having to live this life that's already set up to suit your original family's needs, that makes her want to be away from it.  I too would be very uncomfortable with the idea of being a permanent guest in someone else's life.  (I know you never worded it that way, or even thought about it that way, and it sounds like you've made many efforts to accomodate her - but at the end of the day, it's your life plan, not hers.)   I would go with the plan you mentioned of no contact for a bit - just let her be.  Well - I would check in on her to let her know you're concerned about her and the baby, physically.  But I wouldn't bring up any huge issues for a bit. 

 

If worse comes to worse and she stays in Atlanta, if I'm not mistaken, you've indicated that you are financially comfortable.  If you are not willing to leave your current city, would it not be possible to have a second small home to stay in, in Atlanta?  I know you don't want to be away from your grown children but certainly they themselves are doing their own thing enough (or will be) so that you can leave for days at a time.  Your youngest child will need you the most, not your older ones.  Your oldest ones (doesn't one have a child of her own?) certainly ought to understand that, and can be mobile in visiting.  This way, your youngest child's life wouldn't have to be rent in two - he could have the security of his mom, but also know he could see his dad frequenty. It might not be what you planned, but like most of us, one has to make the best of the situation at hand! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

post #47 of 77

If I were in your shoes, I would move.  You adult children are grown, they can come and visit you or you can come and visit them.  The decision you make should be based on the needs of the youngest.  And that isn't your grown children. 

 

You are having a baby that isn't grown.  And needs a father.  It's his turn now.  By not moving, you will be a stranger to your baby.  And you can forget about 50/50 (which I don't agree with when they are infants, anyway) as the distance is too far for that. And a court isn't going to order your pregnant wife to come back as she has the right to move where ever she wishes to.  Which means that you will be the long distance parent.  Seriously, reconsider your decision.  Your baby needs you and is incapable of coming to see you on his own.  Unlike your grown children. 

post #48 of 77


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by fatherof3 View Post

3)    relinquish my parental rights now and let her raise our child in atlanta where she has to be where i'm sure she'll find a new man who will love her and love this child and spare he, her and myself the pain of raising a child through divorce.

 

 

I may be wrong, but I don't think you can legally just relinquish your rights. If it were that simple, every parent who is being sued for back child support would do that. Your rights can be terminated on grounds of abandonment....and the laws on that vary from state to state....but I believe that's usually done in conjunction with a step-parent adoption, and is brought to court by the custodial parent.

 

post #49 of 77
Quote:
Originally Posted by APToddlerMama View Post

 

I wouldn't pick up and leave for someone who sounds so unstable.  I understand her need to be near family, etc., but I have a strong suspicion that *you* are not going to be enough, *this baby* is not going to be enough, and *her family* is not going to be enough.  There are issues and turmoil going on within her that I don't think any outside person or force can fix.  I really think if everything you're saying is accurate, that she should be in serious therapy addressing *her* issues.  I don't think you are going to be able to salvage a relationship with her no matter where you move or what lengths you go to if she doesn't address her grief and everything else going on.  Aside from agreeing that an 18 year old can still truly need her father, and knowing that it is highly unlikely that you won't be granted 50/50 custody no matter where she moves, I just think moving is a bad idea because what she needs isn't for someone to chase her around trying to fix her problems.  She needs to own this and be willing to address it herself.  That doesn't mean she doesn't deserve support and compassion from you.  She is your wife, after all.  I just don't think moving is going to be the cure-all everyone is hoping for and it definitely has some serious drawbacks. 

 

I agree. It sounds like she did what she had to do to "get you" and then let the facade slip. Not to absolve you--it sounds like you started dating too early after the end of a relationship when it is easy to overlook red flags. Broken attracts broken. 

 

What you will find with all of this is that there is so much grief that doesn't even involve the partner. That's normal. Either scenario (staying or leaving) creates things to grieve. You can grieve that you won't be a full-time parent to your son or you can grieve leaving your 3 girls, your family, home and job. Both are HUGE things. I'm sure you know though that divorce totally changes the way we thought things would be--and again, that's grief. I grieved that my kids have to do this back and forth between homes and don't have their parents together. There was huge anger and pain. I agree with other posters that you have to let go of her changing the plan--it does happen--but it doesn't mean that you can do it instantly. It takes time. 

 

I would advise staying put and establishing a schedule for seeing your son. Don't rush a decision. Stay in counseling. Maybe in a few years, after you have visited Atlanta more, you can make a transition and move down there. Maybe not--and that's okay too. 

 

But yes, please don't consider not being a part of his life. You mention how gorgeous she is and that she won't have trouble finding another man--but unless she does her own healing then she is going to do the same thing again. The baby and being around her family could really help her--or she could get worse. It could go either way. But another man isn't the solution. And your daughters will respect you even more for having a relationship with him--and they will probably fall in love when they meet him. You might find in a year or two they encourage you to move.
 

 

post #50 of 77



I don't think people should be giving out legal advice when clearly they don't know if the advice is accurate.  Fatherof3 needs to talk to a lawyer.  Law varies by state, and not only that, but decisions vary WIDELY by judge.  In my state, you cannot pick up and leave and expect 50/50.  It just doesn't work that way.  It typically ends up being something like parent who stays takes school year and parent who leaves gets summers or even less.  Throwing out threats like "forget 50/50" to support your clear opinion that dad should move isn't fair. If you think he should move, say so, but don't use false threats to support your argument. And you're right, a court isn't going to order her to come back, but a court could very well order she send the baby back.  Dad sounds like the much much more stable parent here.

 

And to whoever said dad cannot legally relinquish his parental rights...he can if mom is on board with this.  If she wanted him out of the picture and didn't care about child support, this is completely possible.  NOT that I think it is a good idea. 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Goodmom2008 View Post

And you can forget about 50/50 (which I don't agree with when they are infants, anyway) as the distance is too far for that. And a court isn't going to order your pregnant wife to come back as she has the right to move where ever she wishes to.  Which means that you will be the long distance parent.

post #51 of 77
Quote:
Originally Posted by APToddlerMama View Post



I don't think people should be giving out legal advice when clearly they don't know if the advice is accurate.  Fatherof3 needs to talk to a lawyer.  Law varies by state, and not only that, but decisions vary WIDELY by judge.  In my state, you cannot pick up and leave and expect 50/50.  It just doesn't work that way.  It typically ends up being something like parent who stays takes school year and parent who leaves gets summers or even less.  Throwing out threats like "forget 50/50" to support your clear opinion that dad should move isn't fair. If you think he should move, say so, but don't use false threats to support your argument. And you're right, a court isn't going to order her to come back, but a court could very well order she send the baby back.  Dad sounds like the much much more stable parent here.

 

And to whoever said dad cannot legally relinquish his parental rights...he can if mom is on board with this.  If she wanted him out of the picture and didn't care about child support, this is completely possible.  NOT that I think it is a good idea. 


Yes, OP needs to talk to a lawyer.  But, he will most likely be the long distance parent.  Mom moved, but she's still pregnant, which means that there is no baby (courts do not consider a fetus a baby until he/she is born), and the OP's state will not have jurisdiction over the child - the state the child is born in will have jurisdiction.  A court is highly unlikely to order that she send the baby back - thats pretty laughable.

 

post #52 of 77
Quote:
Originally Posted by fatherof3 View Post



 

 

With all due respect, i find it amazing that you think it's okay for anybody, whether she be a pregnant woman or not, to make a lot of big promises specific to our situation with my children, blow them off completely, and look at me as though I'm somehow the negligent one in this equation.    

    



 

 



With all due respect, I find it amazing that a supposedly loving and devoting father would consider abandoning his child because the mother changed her mind as to where she wanted to live. This is your child. Like others have pointed out, your adult children have the means to maintain a relationship with you long distance. Your son needs your daily presence and it's not fair to hope that some kindly man is going to come along and take your spot.

 

Your wife and son should be your primary priority now. That does not mean your only priority, but you should be putting them first. Your preference to be near your daughters should not trump your son's need to be with his father.

 

 

 

post #53 of 77
Quote:
Originally Posted by jennybear View Post





With all due respect, I find it amazing that a supposedly loving and devoting father would consider abandoning his child because the mother changed her mind as to where she wanted to live. This is your child. Like others have pointed out, your adult children have the means to maintain a relationship with you long distance. Your son needs your daily presence and it's not fair to hope that some kindly man is going to come along and take your spot.

 

Your wife and son should be your primary priority now. That does not mean your only priority, but you should be putting them first. Your preference to be near your daughters should not trump your son's need to be with his father.

 

 

 


But why does the wife get to make unilateral decisions that pretty much put the husband between a rock and a hard place? I can't imagine, at six months pregnant, saying to my spouse: "Look, I know this is completely out of the blue, but I'VE decided that I absolutely must go raise this baby Alabama/California/Timbuktu, so you can either get on board, quit your job, and leave your children, grandchild, and friends or I'm taking this baby out of your life." Why is there no room for compromise? Why is she allowed completely to discount dad's desires, career, family, etc.? Why does she just GET to decide and if he disagrees, he's suddenly the deadbeat dad abandoning his kid? If it's so important for this baby to be near his dad--as I think it is--then why does the wife get no criticism for up-and-leaving? At least as this scenario has been presented to us, it seems to me like mom is the one doing the abandoning (and/or using the unborn child as a pawn to get the dad to do what she wants).

 

post #54 of 77
Quote:
Originally Posted by APToddlerMama View Post



I don't think people should be giving out legal advice when clearly they don't know if the advice is accurate.  Fatherof3 needs to talk to a lawyer.  Law varies by state, and not only that, but decisions vary WIDELY by judge.  In my state, you cannot pick up and leave and expect 50/50.  It just doesn't work that way.  It typically ends up being something like parent who stays takes school year and parent who leaves gets summers or even less.  Throwing out threats like "forget 50/50" to support your clear opinion that dad should move isn't fair. If you think he should move, say so, but don't use false threats to support your argument. And you're right, a court isn't going to order her to come back, but a court could very well order she send the baby back.  Dad sounds like the much much more stable parent here.

 

And to whoever said dad cannot legally relinquish his parental rights...he can if mom is on board with this.  If she wanted him out of the picture and didn't care about child support, this is completely possible.  NOT that I think it is a good idea. 



If she had moved AFTER she had her baby, you are probably right, the court would order her to bring the baby back.

 

But she didn't.  She is STILL pregnant.  A court isn't going to order her to bring the baby back as the baby never actually lived in the state that the father is in.

 

And 50/50 physical when both parents live in different states simply isn't happening in any state.  I doubt that he would get 50/50 physical if he were to move to where the baby is, but he certainly isn't going to get long chunks of time (which is typical with a long-distance parenting plan when the kids are older) with a newborn, either. 

 

That's not legal advice, that's just plain common sense. 

post #55 of 77
Quote:
Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama View Post


Yes, OP needs to talk to a lawyer.  But, he will most likely be the long distance parent.  Mom moved, but she's still pregnant, which means that there is no baby (courts do not consider a fetus a baby until he/she is born), and the OP's state will not have jurisdiction over the child - the state the child is born in will have jurisdiction.  A court is highly unlikely to order that she send the baby back - thats pretty laughable.

 



If you think its pretty laughable for him to get 50/50 or more, you clearly haven't spent too much time in court.  I have seen judges order all sorts of things that might seem laughable.  Are you or are you not supersinglemama trying to convince him he should go anyhow?  I am not giving legal advice nor should anyone else be.  He needs to discuss with an attorney.  If mom is unstable especially, who knows what will happen. 

 

post #56 of 77
Quote:
Originally Posted by APToddlerMama View Post





If you think its pretty laughable for him to get 50/50 or more, you clearly haven't spent too much time in court.  I have seen judges order all sorts of things that might seem laughable.  Are you or are you not supersinglemama trying to convince him he should go anyhow?  I am not giving legal advice nor should anyone else be.  He needs to discuss with an attorney.  If mom is unstable especially, who knows what will happen. 

 

 

I'm an attorney APToddlerMama.  I've been in family court tons.  50/50 with an infant, and parents who are a few thousand miles away from each other is laughable.  Yes, there are arrangements that are laughable, but that's ridiculous.  And he doesn't live in the state that will have jurisdiction, so it will be even harder for the state to let him take the baby away (generally speaking, states don't send their citizens elsewhere - it takes ALOT of time in court to convince them).

 

I personally don't care what he does.  It doesn't affect me.  I think it will be hard for him to get custody of the child, and I'm not sure how meaningful a relationship he can have form so far away, when the child is so very young.  However, its not my problem - I was just pointing out that some things that are being said on this thread are insane.

 

post #57 of 77
Quote:
Originally Posted by NYCVeg View Post




But why does the wife get to make unilateral decisions that pretty much put the husband between a rock and a hard place? I can't imagine, at six months pregnant, saying to my spouse: "Look, I know this is completely out of the blue, but I'VE decided that I absolutely must go raise this baby Alabama/California/Timbuktu, so you can either get on board, quit your job, and leave your children, grandchild, and friends or I'm taking this baby out of your life." Why is there no room for compromise? Why is she allowed completely to discount dad's desires, career, family, etc.? Why does she just GET to decide and if he disagrees, he's suddenly the deadbeat dad abandoning his kid? If it's so important for this baby to be near his dad--as I think it is--then why does the wife get no criticism for up-and-leaving? At least as this scenario has been presented to us, it seems to me like mom is the one doing the abandoning (and/or using the unborn child as a pawn to get the dad to do what she wants).

 




I'm not saying his wife is blameless. I'm not even necessarily saying he should move right away. What I am reacting to is one of his potential solutions, which is that he just "relinquish his parental rights" and trust that some other man come along to parent his son because HE doesn't like the idea of being a part-time parent. I find that pretty horrifying. This is his baby as much as it is hers.

 

post #58 of 77
Quote:
Originally Posted by NYCVeg View Post




But why does the wife get to make unilateral decisions that pretty much put the husband between a rock and a hard place? I can't imagine, at six months pregnant, saying to my spouse: "Look, I know this is completely out of the blue, but I'VE decided that I absolutely must go raise this baby Alabama/California/Timbuktu, so you can either get on board, quit your job, and leave your children, grandchild, and friends or I'm taking this baby out of your life." Why is there no room for compromise? Why is she allowed completely to discount dad's desires, career, family, etc.? Why does she just GET to decide and if he disagrees, he's suddenly the deadbeat dad abandoning his kid? If it's so important for this baby to be near his dad--as I think it is--then why does the wife get no criticism for up-and-leaving? At least as this scenario has been presented to us, it seems to me like mom is the one doing the abandoning (and/or using the unborn child as a pawn to get the dad to do what she wants).

 

 

I don't think anyone is saying that. I think a lot of people are saying that this man can't change decisions that his wife is making- those are her decisions. This man needs to focus on making his own decisions. Blaming the wife will get him nowhere, whether it's her "fault" or not. And, like always, there are 3 sides to this story (his version, her version and the truth) and we're only hearing 1 side of it. I have a very hard time believing that the wife is 100% at fault here and the man is just an innocent bystander winky.gif Last November the wife told him that she wanted a divorce and one main reason was she wanted to be in Atlanta. HE KNEW THEN that this was weighing heavily on her mind. And, yet, he still chose to make a baby with her. He played with fire, and fire burns sometimes. As far as his first post in this thread reads, he should have seen the huge red flags waving over his head because his wife was very clear about her needs/desires to be in Atlanta long before she ever got pregnant. It sounds like, for whatever reason, he chose to ignore those flags and believed (naively) that everything would work out fine. shrug.gif He's as much at fault for ignoring his wife's needs/desires when she clearly expressed them in November as she is for making a "sudden" move (which really doesn't sound that sudden if she's been talking about it for 8 months). idea.gif

post #59 of 77
Thread Starter 

Wow.........getting a bit testy in here.

 

Look - I threw this out originally last week b/c I was weighing all options at the time.     I'm NOT going to relinquish rights, okay?   But this has happened rather quickly and I've been spinning.    That was a thought.   It isn't now.

 

And YES, we did discuss Atlanta and long AFTER that discussion, she said it was off the table.    Did I play with fire?    Not in my opinion as we'd already discussed that I would eventually move there.    But sure, in many ways, I suppose I should have seen this as a risk.   

 

I appreciate everyone's thoughts here.    I don't think I EVER said I was an innocent bystander or even suggested that I'm a vicitim here..........I came to you all for advice given a challenging situation involving two family dynamics (one st louis;  one in atlanta) and that in spite of whatever, this is still very sudden to all parties (my family; her family).    I didn't come so that all of you would say, "what a horrible person your wife is" - that wasn't my goal.   But you have provided a lot of diverse feedback and POVs.     And of course, you've only heard my side of the story.    But none of you know me........I gain nothing by trying to trump up my story or hers..........this wasn't about demonization of my wife, who I love very much.    

 

At the very least, if I stay, I will be the summertime father.........the every other Christmas father.........and my son will know me........and no, it won't be perfect.    And if by some strange miracle, my wife and I miss each other and realize we should still be together, then maybe I will move down there or maybe (doubtful) she will move back.     I will most likely seek legal advice just so I'm educated.

 

We have 3 months or so until the baby is born............a lot could change.   we'll see.

 

 

post #60 of 77
Thread Starter 



 

Quote:
Originally Posted by StephandOwen View Post



 

I don't think anyone is saying that. I think a lot of people are saying that this man can't change decisions that his wife is making- those are her decisions. This man needs to focus on making his own decisions. Blaming the wife will get him nowhere, whether it's her "fault" or not. And, like always, there are 3 sides to this story (his version, her version and the truth) and we're only hearing 1 side of it. I have a very hard time believing that the wife is 100% at fault here and the man is just an innocent bystander winky.gif Last November the wife told him that she wanted a divorce and one main reason was she wanted to be in Atlanta. HE KNEW THEN that this was weighing heavily on her mind. And, yet, he still chose to make a baby with her. He played with fire, and fire burns sometimes. As far as his first post in this thread reads, he should have seen the huge red flags waving over his head because his wife was very clear about her needs/desires to be in Atlanta long before she ever got pregnant. It sounds like, for whatever reason, he chose to ignore those flags and believed (naively) that everything would work out fine. shrug.gif He's as much at fault for ignoring his wife's needs/desires when she clearly expressed them in November as she is for making a "sudden" move (which really doesn't sound that sudden if she's been talking about it for 8 months). idea.gif


Also - I didn't come in here to establish "fault"

 

Geez - a lot of you are more up in arms about this than I am:) 

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