*sigh* my son is a hitter.

[texmati]

I have a 21 month old son and  a 5 month old daughter. I've looked at (and am still looking at) the other threads that deal with problems similar to mine, but I could really use the support so I'm posting again.

my son 'knows' how to be gentle with my daughter and others. We practice 'gentle gentle' all the time. But he still hits. I can that he has little impulse control; but he actually announces that he's going to hit and then hits. For example, I tried to check his diaper, so he said 'sister hurt' and then bit her. (She was in my hands at the time-- I never ever leave them alone together). Sometimes when she's sleeping, and he is angry, or wants something, he'll say 'sister hurt' and go looking for her. 

He is also hitting us and other children at the playground.

I am at a loss as to what to do. We have fenced of an area of our living room for dd to roll around in. sometimes i end up just sitting in there with dd to keep us safe. DH sometimes sticks my son in the high chair. Most of the time we don't do anything in terms of real consequences, but that is obvoiusly not working.

I was hoping for some advice on what action we should be taking. I understand that this is a stage etc, but it seems wrong not to be doing anything about it-- especially when it's premeditated.

[cyclamen]

I'm not sure you can say something is premeditated at 21 months.  Even if he's very verbal and says "sister hurt" and then hurts her - it's not like grown ups - it's not like he's announcing his intentions.  It's very unlikely that he understands cause and effect, or the order of events.  DD actually went through a phase where she would say, "I sorry!" and then hit us!  The is like the whole "a hole is to dig" and "mashed potatoes are to give everybody enough" idea - what they say might sound like reason, but what's really going on in their brains isn't logic.  So in that regard I wouldn't worry that your son is being malicious or abnormal.  It sounds totally normal for a two year old.

As far as doing something about it.... all I have is supervision, redirection, modeling, and faith that my kid, like all kids, wants to grow up.  Also controlled roughhousing.  We wrestle, push each other over, and throw pillows at each other.  We used to tell her, "Hey, don't hit me.... but how about a push game?"  And now she occasionally will come over and say, "How about a push game?"  She also likes to play "all fall down!" and falls over on the bed.  I think it does help to redirect her energy in a positive way. 

edit;

With younger kids... it's just you know, "let's push this nicely to the baby instead of throwing it.. otherwise the baby will get hurt and the baby will cry!" 

I thought of one more thing... you could try storytelling.  My DD, who is only a few months older than your son, responds to this better than logic. Around 21 months, my DP began telling very simple stories, at DD's request, about "babies crying" and her helping the babies because they were afraid of butterflies, lost, or sleepy and needed to know how to fall asleep, or whatever.  They were often pretty silly.  But storytelling has become a really great ally for talking to DD about things and engaging her cooperation.  Recently I found this link http://www.ierg.net/confs/2003/proceeds/Perrow.html which you may find useful - it's a lecture by the author of Healing stories for problem behaviors.

Edited by cyclamen - 7/14/11 at 8:39am

[APToddlerMama]

This is going to sound like a load of poo, but around 17-20 months my son hit non-stop.  Then we cut dairy out of his diet and I swear, within two or three days max he went from hitting literally a hundred times a day to a few times a week.  Diet definitely can impact behavior/frustration. 

I think you need to have a real zero tolerance policy on hitting. The first thing I would do would be to try to set up the environment to minimize the frustrations that you see happening before your son hits.  I'd also try to redirect when I noticed his behavior escalating before the hitting, keep his sister out of reach as much as you can, give him an alternative to hitting when he's frustrated, etc.  Good luck. This too shall pass. 

[bonamarq]

You ARE doing something - teaching gentle touch and trying to prevent the behavior as much as possible -

Two quick things to add - when you hang out in the gated off area with dd your son may get more angry? - he may be very jeaolous of his new sister right now - coupled with his lack of impulse controlmeans he hits and really cannot help it - make extra effort to give him special 1:1 time where he is in control of the play and make it as physical as possible - I'd highly recommend the new Art of Roughhousing book - by the author of Playful Parenting (another must read IMO) I just got the roughhousing one because my dd LOVES to wrestle and  i really don't - I want to find other physical games that will meet that same need  and this book has loads and loads of games and ideas for that....

At that age (a little older) we played a favorite I modified called "Can't get by me" - the room was set up so that she had to try and sneak past me from the dining room to the living room and I would always just barely miss her - on occasion I WOULD catch her and hold her with lots of hugs and kisses... She loved the challenge and the physical re-connection when she was caught...

Second, when he wants to hit, give him something acceptable that meets that need - bang a drum punch a pillow or whatever you feel will be acceptable to you and effective to him.... If you can catch him before hand GREAT - if not still follow through with a calm 'hitting hurts, bang this instead'

"Doing something" sounds like you feel the need to punish him - but punishment rarely works (it seems to at first, which is why people use it  - but you  must TEACH appropriate behaviors and honor the root of the impulse and help figure out a way to meet that need - THAT is real discipline (and leads to self-discipline) punishment teaches nothing other than fear anger resentment and a sense that I need only not to get caught to avoid it...

Good luck

[MelW]

My youngest was a hitter (and biter, and head-butt-er) from about 18-24 months.

What worked? Redirect, redirect, redirect. Reminding her that hitting hurts, to use gentle hands, to hit pillows and couches and beds instead of people. Restraining, even just in a high-chair, made things worse for her. I think she equated it with losing control of her body, and lashed out in response. I also had to work *very* hard to get everyone in the family to ask permission to touch her at any time- especially big sister who would hug without permission, etc. As we made clearer family rules about permission to touch and made everyone in control of their own bodies we found the hitting and aggression got better.

Mostly this was just a stage that she outgrew as she found better ways to express her needs, but I think that the ways that we could contribute to letting her feel "in control" of her body helped to curb some of the aggression.

Other things that helped:

Lots and lots of physical activity and exercise, every day

Careful attention to her her diet (she has multiple allergies, and was sometimes in pain from these)

Treating teething pain- especially with the biting

She's not perfect now, but also a kid who I'm less afraid of having in public around other children. For a while it was really stressful to be around other little kids and babies since I had to be constantly vigilant about not letting her hurt other little kids.

[texmati]

I'm just popping in for a quick post to say, thank you, thank you, thank you! I will respond to each of your posts during my son's nap later today. But I wanted to let you know that I'm reading and applying suggestions and it's made a huge difference this morning.

[earth-mama]

I am also interested in this.  DD does some hitting, but is pretty good about using gentle touches.  I am curious to see how or if this changes when #2 arrives sometime in the next few weeks.  

One of the things you mentioned was that you said when he wants something or is angry that he will go say sister hurt.  This makes me think that what he is really craving/needs is a little more one on one attention and he has found that if he does something that 'hurts' his sister that he gets immediate attention.  I would maybe try scheduling some one-on-one time with you son on a regular basis and see if some of his behaviors change.  This is one of the things we are planning on doing with DD after #2 is born--special time with mom, special time with mom and dad, special time with dad (so that she still gets undivided attention on a regular basis)--we'll see how it goes soon enough.

Also, I wanted to say that it sounds like you are handling the situation in a gentle manner and sometimes it just takes some time for them to grow out of the phase.  DD has gone through a couple of hitting/scratching phases and to a certain extent we have to wait it out--while working on being gentle, redirecting and also sometimes showing consequences (she was scratching myself and DP enough to cause owies--which we would show her and explain how they got there--this seemed to really help her understand (DD is almost 30 months now, so your son might not be quite ready for this sort of concept).  Ohh, I also just thought that it has helped DD to have words to use for her feelings so she can express herself when she feels sad, angry etc.  So I will often say something like, "I know you are sad, angry, frustrated or something like I know you were really having fun with . . . "and then explain what needs to happen or how she can express her upsetness.  I also have found that sometimes DD just needs a hug/kiss/some holding time--so when she starts acting out I will also ask her if she needs a hug.

[Susan Kunkel]

My son was a hitter. We did you hit you sit. At the playground
I followed him to make sure he did not hit. Now at 7 people can not believe that he was a hitter

[texmati]

Thanks so much you guys! today went a lot better

Cyclamen, I'm not sure about the premediation. It really, really seems like  he's planning it! I'm glad that it is normal, though. I am a new SAHM, and do feel like we don't do enough physical activity (because I don't like physical activity, lol! ). I used to just send him outside, but now it's waay to hot for that. I need to find other physical activities for him to do around the house. Thanks also for the tip about storytelling; I was able to use that today. We talked a lot about gentle gentle with DS puppet etc.

Originally Posted by cyclamen 

I'm not sure you can say something is premeditated at 21 months.  Even if he's very verbal and says "sister hurt" and then hurts her - it's not like grown ups - it's not like he's announcing his intentions.  It's very unlikely that he understands cause and effect, or the order of events.  DD actually went through a phase where she would say, "I sorry!" and then hit us!  The is like the whole "a hole is to dig" and "mashed potatoes are to give everybody enough" idea - what they say might sound like reason, but what's really going on in their brains isn't logic.  So in that regard I wouldn't worry that your son is being malicious or abnormal.  It sounds totally normal for a two year old.

As far as doing something about it.... all I have is supervision, redirection, modeling, and faith that my kid, like all kids, wants to grow up.  Also controlled roughhousing.  We wrestle, push each other over, and throw pillows at each other.  We used to tell her, "Hey, don't hit me.... but how about a push game?"  And now she occasionally will come over and say, "How about a push game?"  She also likes to play "all fall down!" and falls over on the bed.  I think it does help to redirect her energy in a positive way. 

edit;

With younger kids... it's just you know, "let's push this nicely to the baby instead of throwing it.. otherwise the baby will get hurt and the baby will cry!" 

I thought of one more thing... you could try storytelling.  My DD, who is only a few months older than your son, responds to this better than logic. Around 21 months, my DP began telling very simple stories, at DD's request, about "babies crying" and her helping the babies because they were afraid of butterflies, lost, or sleepy and needed to know how to fall asleep, or whatever.  They were often pretty silly.  But storytelling has become a really great ally for talking to DD about things and engaging her cooperation.  Recently I found this link http://www.ierg.net/confs/2003/proceeds/Perrow.html which you may find useful - it's a lecture by the author of Healing stories for problem behaviors.

I don't think it's poo at all! Even I don't behave well when I'm hurting. When I read this yesterday, I realized that my son has not been eating or sleeping well for the last few days. I'm thinking I can eliminate at least half the hitting by making sure he's well fed and rested.

I really do feel like we keep them as separated as possible. My poor dd is only in arms for a very short amount of time during the day. My husband goes to work before sun up, so he can get off early to take care of my son while I handle my daughter. We really have been trying to meet both of their needs.

Originally Posted by APToddlerMama 

This is going to sound like a load of poo, but around 17-20 months my son hit non-stop.  Then we cut dairy out of his diet and I swear, within two or three days max he went from hitting literally a hundred times a day to a few times a week.  Diet definitely can impact behavior/frustration. 

I think you need to have a real zero tolerance policy on hitting. The first thing I would do would be to try to set up the environment to minimize the frustrations that you see happening before your son hits.  I'd also try to redirect when I noticed his behavior escalating before the hitting, keep his sister out of reach as much as you can, give him an alternative to hitting when he's frustrated, etc.  Good luck. This too shall pass. 

This was really eye opening as well. Before DD arrived I was a wohm and ds didn't really seem that attached to me. After dd came, there was absolutely no jelously from his part (I think he was just too young.) but last night, I was holding sister in my lap, and ds started threatening her again, and I remembered your post! I asked him if he wanted sister to go in her 'thoughtful spot'. and he got excited and said yes. So I put sister down and we read a story. I feel as he gets older and more used to me being around, I will definitely keep an eye on this. We usually have more one on one time than we had yesterday, so I feel like he was craving that.

Your comments on punishing are spot on. Yes, you are right, I want to punish. I want to show people around that we are doing something about this behavior, etc. This feeling definitely needs to take a backseat to raising DS right.
 

Originally Posted by bonamarq 

You ARE doing something - teaching gentle touch and trying to prevent the behavior as much as possible -

Two quick things to add - when you hang out in the gated off area with dd your son may get more angry? - he may be very jeaolous of his new sister right now - coupled with his lack of impulse controlmeans he hits and really cannot help it - make extra effort to give him special 1:1 time where he is in control of the play and make it as physical as possible - I'd highly recommend the new Art of Roughhousing book - by the author of Playful Parenting (another must read IMO) I just got the roughhousing one because my dd LOVES to wrestle and  i really don't - I want to find other physical games that will meet that same need  and this book has loads and loads of games and ideas for that....

At that age (a little older) we played a favorite I modified called "Can't get by me" - the room was set up so that she had to try and sneak past me from the dining room to the living room and I would always just barely miss her - on occasion I WOULD catch her and hold her with lots of hugs and kisses... She loved the challenge and the physical re-connection when she was caught...

Second, when he wants to hit, give him something acceptable that meets that need - bang a drum punch a pillow or whatever you feel will be acceptable to you and effective to him.... If you can catch him before hand GREAT - if not still follow through with a calm 'hitting hurts, bang this instead'

"Doing something" sounds like you feel the need to punish him - but punishment rarely works (it seems to at first, which is why people use it  - but you  must TEACH appropriate behaviors and honor the root of the impulse and help figure out a way to meet that need - THAT is real discipline (and leads to self-discipline) punishment teaches nothing other than fear anger resentment and a sense that I need only not to get caught to avoid it...

Good luck

I'm going to try the pillow thing this afternoon. I think what you are saying about controll of your body is spot on. He hates hugs (sometimes), diaper changes, being picked up, holding hands etc. He only cuddles when he's reading a book, and has only this past week wanted to sit in my lap (I think because he sees DD doing it). We've tried deep breaths and 'walking it off' when you are mad etc. But I'm going to stop DH from putting him in his high chair. It's just not working.
 

Originally Posted by MelW 

My youngest was a hitter (and biter, and head-butt-er) from about 18-24 months.

What worked? Redirect, redirect, redirect. Reminding her that hitting hurts, to use gentle hands, to hit pillows and couches and beds instead of people. Restraining, even just in a high-chair, made things worse for her. I think she equated it with losing control of her body, and lashed out in response. I also had to work *very* hard to get everyone in the family to ask permission to touch her at any time- especially big sister who would hug without permission, etc. As we made clearer family rules about permission to touch and made everyone in control of their own bodies we found the hitting and aggression got better.

Mostly this was just a stage that she outgrew as she found better ways to express her needs, but I think that the ways that we could contribute to letting her feel "in control" of her body helped to curb some of the aggression.

Other things that helped:

Lots and lots of physical activity and exercise, every day

Careful attention to her her diet (she has multiple allergies, and was sometimes in pain from these)

Treating teething pain- especially with the biting

She's not perfect now, but also a kid who I'm less afraid of having in public around other children. For a while it was really stressful to be around other little kids and babies since I had to be constantly vigilant about not letting her hurt other little kids.

This morning i worked really hard on praising him alot for gentle touch. I also didn't wait for him to do it, but asked him to be gentle gentle, and gave lots of high fives when he was. 

As an aside, I had to use the restroom, and so I put my wailing crying daughter in her gated off area, and ran to the bathroom. When I came back, my son had some how gotten inside her area, and was gently patting her saying "gentle, gentle, no cry, no cry".

I have to do something about the gate, but it was wonderful to get see him be so sweet with her.

thanks you all!

[bonamarq]

As an aside, I had to use the restroom, and so I put my wailing crying daughter in her gated off area, and ran to the bathroom. When I came back, my son had some how gotten inside her area, and was gently patting her saying "gentle, gentle, no cry, no cry".

This is too sweet for words -

[JessicaJamesonJ]

You are doing the right thing by reminding your son not to hit out. Communication is all too important. A healthy diet plays a huge role into how a child behaves.  

[3xMama]

I don't have really anything to add other than support. My DS1 is 20 mo and I also have a 5 mo baby. DS1 has also gotten into hitting and throwing and he doesn't necessarily try to hurt DS2, I think DS2 is just happens to be in the line of fire. So I feel ya mama! We are hanging in there, this too shall pass.

Mostly I've been giving DS1 more attention and it has helped a lot. He likes wrestling and hugging so I try to do a little of that every couple of hrs. You said your DS isn't into touching too much, but whatever it is he does like that is a good way to reconnect with him, add that in every few hrs. There are a lot of great suggestions made previously that I'm going to try out, too.

And the "gentle gentle no cry no cry"...oh my, so sweet!! He's going to be a fabulous big brother, he just needs to grow into the role a little. :)

[Okapi]

My DD has recently started hitting, as well, though she is older (3.5). It's odd, because she is gentle as she does it, but it clearly is hitting. Generally she ends up hitting the little girl next door (~6 mo younger then DD, so not a safety/getting hurt issue). TBH, if it was the other way around (my kid getting hit in that manner), I would be tempted to just let them play it out a few times and see if they could work it out between themselves, but the little girl gets *very* upset about it, and her mother is not on board with the let them work it out plan, so DH and I decided when DD hits, they are done for the day (this is after trying to just talk to her about it, offering alternatives for what she could do, practicing the situation etc - things that have worked when she had brief bouts of it when she was younger).

Usually it is a personal space issue. DD has a larger personal space area then the neighbor girl, and when DD asks her to back off & she doesn't, DD will push/smack at her. I also try to encourage the other girl to listen when DD asks her to back off, and I clearly need to be on top of that more (mostly the incidences have happen when they are watching DD for me when I WAH - I am there, just involved in my work -  so I am going to cut back on that until we have this a little more under control, also). Our main concern is that she will be starting preschool in the fall, and we would like her to have some practice handling these incidences more appropriately before she has to deal with it in a new setting with new rules.

Anyway, those techniques probably won't help much in your situation, but I wanted to let you know you aren't the only one!