Seeking advice for how to handle toddler meltdown when dropping at daycare

[chiolip]

My LO (21 months) has recently become overwhelmed when dropping at daycare.  He has total meltdown.  Any positive parenting/playful parenting suggestions?  I feel terrible about leaving him.  He always calms down in 1-2 minutes after leaving him but it is awful!!

[Xerxella]

Since you mentioned playful parenting, the next time you guys play, have him "drop you off at work."  And, then you sit somewhere and kick up a playful big fuss while he gets to go off and have fun and play.  "Cry" and say, "Why do you get to go off and have fun and I have to go to work?"  Say, "But, I miss you when you're gone!"  The bigger play tantrum fuss you make the funnier kids think it is.  You can even fall at his feet and beg him to let you stay at daycare today, etc, etc.  Then he can come pick you up and you're overjoyed to see him so you tackle and kiss him.  Kids may want to play this role over and over and over again.  Play as long as he's happy. 

Or, you can play the game where he's the parent and you're the kid and he's dropping you off at daycare.  You "scream" and cry and beg and plead and then, if you want, you can be distracted by a toy and happily playing.  But, follow his lead, if he says, "no mommy, you sad", than still be sad.  Overall, the more drama and silliness, the more your son will like it. 

Hae you read Playful Parenting by Cohen?  Great book

[One_Girl]

How responsive are the caregivers to him?  Do they come over and try to engage him in an activity or hold him during drop off or do they stay hands off and leave him to be sad?  The level of engagement makes a very big difference in how children do at drop off even at this age and how comfortable you feel with the drop offs.  Having a set drop off routine can really help also, whether you have a long or short drop off it helps to have a set thing you do when you are going to leave that you don't repeat.  Repeating it makes young children unsure of when or if you are really going to go, it also makes it hard for the teacher to know when to step in because they take cues from the parent so they don't step in before the parent and child are ready. 

With my daughter I used to cuddle her for a few minutes before going then when I was going to go I would tell her I was going and give her a little hug, a big hug, and a goodbye kiss.  In the classroom I work in some kids need to be passed off straight from the parents arms to a teachers arms, some parents give their child a book to hand to one of us, some kids like to give us their card, some kids want to pop some bubbles or get their favorite toy, and some like to wave out the window.  I suggest working with your child's teacher to find a routine.  If they aren't attempting to engage your child when you are about to go I think you need to either address that or find a new center. 

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by One_Girl 

How responsive are the caregivers to him?  Do they come over and try to engage him in an activity or hold him during drop off or do they stay hands off and leave him to be sad?  The level of engagement makes a very big difference in how children do at drop off even at this age and how comfortable you feel with the drop offs.  Having a set drop off routine can really help also, whether you have a long or short drop off it helps to have a set thing you do when you are going to leave that you don't repeat.  Repeating it makes young children unsure of when or if you are really going to go, it also makes it hard for the teacher to know when to step in because they take cues from the parent so they don't step in before the parent and child are ready. 

With my daughter I used to cuddle her for a few minutes before going then when I was going to go I would tell her I was going and give her a little hug, a big hug, and a goodbye kiss.  In the classroom I work in some kids need to be passed off straight from the parents arms to a teachers arms, some parents give their child a book to hand to one of us, some kids like to give us their card, some kids want to pop some bubbles or get their favorite toy, and some like to wave out the window.  I suggest working with your child's teacher to find a routine.  If they aren't attempting to engage your child when you are about to go I think you need to either address that or find a new center. 

All excellent ideas. When ds first started at daycare, I assumed that since he's kind of shy, he'd prefer to have me help him get set up with an activity. Nope, he did best when handed over directly to a teacher. What that meant though, was that we needed to arrive at an 'off' time. Most of the kids arrived at 9 am, so we had to get there at 8:45 so the teachers wouldn't be overwhelmed with kids arriving and they had time to get him settled.

21 months is a peak time for separation anxiety as well -- the idea of being separated from you freaks him out, which is why the transition is so hard. I found for my kids that it was best to find the routine that worked for them, and then to make the actual departure short and sweet. The longer I drew it out, the more my kids got anxious.

[Agatha_Ann]

As a daycare provider I can tell youm the longer you stay, the more upset he will be. It is totally normal at this age for them to have a hard time during drop-offs (and often again at pick-up), but the faster you go the better. Almost all of my kids who have ever done this have stopped crying and are playing before their mom even gets to the driveway! The ones who will continue to cry are the ones who's parents try to make it better and stay.

[coffeegirl]

I only know what works and what doesn't when my brother or SiL leaves my nephew (same age as your LO) with me. I babysit him a few times a months. And he always does the meltdown, too. Best thing is to disentangle, say "bye" and leave quickly. They used to drag it out and it just made the whole thing so much more painful for everyone.

[lilgreen]

I just wanted to echo the pp... make it quick and sweet. Get there, do all the things you have to do. Then when you're done, give your LO a big hug and tell him/her you're going to work and you'll come back after work and I love you. Then hand off and make it the same every time. No hesitation and don't show your sadness or concern... smile! The handoff might be a tangled mess, so be sure to talk to the caregiver so they know you want them to take over. The worst thing is to drag it out... they're not going calm down about it if you stay longer. Call shortly after to check if you need to. I always found that helped me through the day so I wouldn't have to worry about him. Most important thing, as long as you know you've got a good caregiver, your LO will be just fine  :)

[simplemama32]

OP, it's been a few days since your original post, so I hope things are better with your little one.  I've been going through something similar with my son (3 yo) for the past few weeks.  We read books about daycare/school that helped a tiny bit (Maisy Goes to Preschool, and I Love You All Day Long), and I even tried doing the "kissing hand" like the book (which I'd heard about, but we hadn't actually read...which may have been the reason it didn't work).

Anyway, out of sheer desperation one morning, I grabbed one of his markers and drew a heart on his cheek.  He loved looking at it in the mirror and showing it off to his teacher when we arrived at daycare.  We wash the heart off at night during bathtime and draw a new one (he picks the place and the color...this week it's been blue hearts on his knee!) the next morning.  I think the visual reassurance of the heart helps him a lot.  Yesterday, there were no tears at all when it was time for me to go. 

[Mizelenius]

I would make a little book with all of your photos in it.  Give it to him to bring with to the daycare, but then get it back every day.  He could look at it in the car on the way there.  When you get in the car from picking him up, snuggle and look at the book together.  This routine will remind him that you are "there" (with the photos) AND that you are coming back-- he will associate the book also with you picking him up.