Feeling like a SAHM failure. :( (kind of a long vent, need advice please) - Page 2

[megame]

I've still only got one (got the second bun cooking) so I don't know how much help I am but one thing I've seen mentioned elsewhere is posting a sign up for hiring a kid in your complex to come hang out with your DD for cheap so you can get a little more time to do things at the house.

We also have library groups around here that are really fun for the toddler set.  Alot of moms bring there babys as well.

I think that's it's near impossible even with one to do much for the first few months.  They're just constantly inputting or outputting or needing to be put to sleep (so cute though!). 

I also remember the fear of being out alone with my ds, and I was super nervous but once I got into the habit, it was just part of the routine.  My DS who's almost 2 is a completely different creature if he does or doesn't get out of the house during the day.

Good luck and I really hope you're not beating yourself up for it! 

[xzaviers_mama]

I only have a second, but just wanted to say... I wish we lived closer!  lol... I have 3 boys, ages 7, 3, almost 2... and another son on the way.    My life is a circus right now, my house is always a disaster, and I'm constantly feeling horrible about the mother that I've become.  My almost 2 year old has been VERY high needs for quite a while now, and we're working with his pedi to get him on supplements and things that will help calm him down.  I feel like I'm totally losing my mind most days, and I can't really vent to anyone in my life, because they just make comments about bringing it upon myself for having "so many" kids.  

We moved here from AZ 10 years ago, so I have absolutely no family or friends in WA.  We only have one car, and DH takes it to work, so I don't get out to mommy/baby groups, or anywhere else that I could possibly meet other mamas.  It's rough, to say the least.

I don't have any advice, since I'm a mess as well... just wanted to offer you my sympathy!  

[Madalyn]

Originally Posted by Beauchamp 


I've started taking St Johns Wort for depression based on The Mood Cure book. (I'm not sure about the other aminos due to nursing.)
 

I'd look into GABA. DH and I both take it. It's more for anxiety and relaxing you though. I'm not sure how much its really been studied with bf'ing. I still take it and bf my son but he's 2+ so he's not getting as much milk as your LO. 

I mostly just wanted to send you hugs! I don't have second child but your scenario about shopping at Target? That isn't exactly cake with just my two year old so I can't imagine it with a baby to boot! As for maybe a random new activity for DD my son loves to play with uncooked rice. I know some people set up mini sandboxes with it. He likes to pour it into different size cups, stir it, and mess with it in my pots/bakeware 'cooking'. It's quiet and something he does for a long time independently which honestly doesn't happen much. He makes a huge mess but I can just vacuum it up at the end. 

[windymama]

  I have 3 kids under 5 and live in an apartment.

I want to let you in on a little secret - all those moms who look like they have it together?  Chances are they don't, at least some of the time.

I've been called one of those moms by another mom becasue I managed to get all 3 kids out to the drop-in that we go to and they're all content.  I felt a little guilty for bursting her bubble but I told her about how everything usually goes downhill after we leave and one or all of us will be in tears by 4 pm.

You'll learn your kids' cues and what they can handle and can go from there.  I cannot clothing shop with the older two so I do it online or leave them at home.  If we're running errands I can only go into two stores MAX and I must have snacks and drinks.  Today DD1 screamed in the store but I could not leave because I NEEDED the items I was buying.  So we stood in line with her screaming and DS whining about something and lots of people looking at us.  It was not an experience I'd like to repeat and I have learned to ignore the stares.

I don't think I saw this suggestion so I'll offer it - Give your DD a bath or at least throw her in the water with toys.  If your LO is napping, grab a book (for you) and read while she splashes around.  I've been doing this since I was about 8 months pregnant with my 3rd.  Somedays it's what gets me through.

Originally Posted by Beauchamp 

 I'm just really on edge about doing it right, no one crying (or crying for very long), meeting all the needs...being a good mom. When I see other moms it seems like they have it together much more than me, and I really want to be that way, too.

 

[Beauchamp]

Originally Posted by xzaviers_mama 

I only have a second, but just wanted to say... I wish we lived closer!  lol... I have 3 boys, ages 7, 3, almost 2... and another son on the way.    My life is a circus right now, my house is always a disaster, and I'm constantly feeling horrible about the mother that I've become.  My almost 2 year old has been VERY high needs for quite a while now, and we're working with his pedi to get him on supplements and things that will help calm him down.  I feel like I'm totally losing my mind most days, and I can't really vent to anyone in my life, because they just make comments about bringing it upon myself for having "so many" kids.  

We moved here from AZ 10 years ago, so I have absolutely no family or friends in WA.  We only have one car, and DH takes it to work, so I don't get out to mommy/baby groups, or anywhere else that I could possibly meet other mamas.  It's rough, to say the least.

I don't have any advice, since I'm a mess as well... just wanted to offer you my sympathy!  

I wish I lived closer, too. Hugs, mama.

Originally Posted by Madalyn 

I'd look into GABA. DH and I both take it. It's more for anxiety and relaxing you though. I'm not sure how much its really been studied with bf'ing. I still take it and bf my son but he's 2+ so he's not getting as much milk as your LO. 

I mostly just wanted to send you hugs! I don't have second child but your scenario about shopping at Target? That isn't exactly cake with just my two year old so I can't imagine it with a baby to boot! As for maybe a random new activity for DD my son loves to play with uncooked rice. I know some people set up mini sandboxes with it. He likes to pour it into different size cups, stir it, and mess with it in my pots/bakeware 'cooking'. It's quiet and something he does for a long time independently which honestly doesn't happen much. He makes a huge mess but I can just vacuum it up at the end. 

I have looked into GABA...from what I have found it's not okay for BFing. I figured I'd at least wait until I was not BFing constantly. Did you find that it's safe?

Originally Posted by windymama 

  I have 3 kids under 5 and live in an apartment.

I want to let you in on a little secret - all those moms who look like they have it together?  Chances are they don't, at least some of the time.

I've been called one of those moms by another mom becasue I managed to get all 3 kids out to the drop-in that we go to and they're all content.  I felt a little guilty for bursting her bubble but I told her about how everything usually goes downhill after we leave and one or all of us will be in tears by 4 pm.

You'll learn your kids' cues and what they can handle and can go from there.  I cannot clothing shop with the older two so I do it online or leave them at home.  If we're running errands I can only go into two stores MAX and I must have snacks and drinks.  Today DD1 screamed in the store but I could not leave because I NEEDED the items I was buying.  So we stood in line with her screaming and DS whining about something and lots of people looking at us.  It was not an experience I'd like to repeat and I have learned to ignore the stares.

I don't think I saw this suggestion so I'll offer it - Give your DD a bath or at least throw her in the water with toys.  If your LO is napping, grab a book (for you) and read while she splashes around.  I've been doing this since I was about 8 months pregnant with my 3rd.  Somedays it's what gets me through.

She *might* go for this. She might also scream and refuse. She's very good at being 2 right now.

I need to buy some white rice and let her do the pouring/scooping thing. Of course, she does this with her dry cereal anyway and it drives me nuts. So maybe not.

[wombato]

Hi Beaucahmp and Megame - I have the "bun in the oven" and a 2 year old.  I keep thinking I am completely insane (ok, my husband and I both are).  We moved to this small Oregon community, and I thought, whatever, I can make friends anywhere.  My husband's side of the family is out of state, somewhere we don't want to live, even though we love them.  My family is far away in another state, and my mom is completely toxic - I saw how she dealt with my niece, and there's no way I want her to take care of my children.  We chose the place that "called" to us to live, moving far from our last place just before my 2 year old son was born.

Guess what?  I am in this lovely house in the country, feeling like I'm going nuts most days.  I want to homeschool, I feel like it is the right thing to do, and I tell myself things *must* get better, but right now, we just don't have many friends.  And no family in the area.  One of the better friends I've made is in a town that takes 15 minutes to drive to.

I have ideas that I don't get around to implementing (or at least not very quickly).  My house is a mess - I never have the time to get it completely cleaned up, between my child's needs and the cooking I do (I refuse to use many "convenience" foods, so we eat some boring stuff).  Now that I'm pregnant, I'm even more tired!  I imagine that when #2 is here, things will be even worse for a while.

Just wanted to say, I can relate, and my plan is to hire a "tween" or someone older (been working on the flyer to hang up!) to hang out with my older child and play with him.  I hope he can develop a relationship / friendship with someone in the area.

I keep trying to tell myself, this will change in a few years, it won't stay this way, but it's hard to believe it.
 

Originally Posted by megame 

I've still only got one (got the second bun cooking) so I don't know how much help I am but one thing I've seen mentioned elsewhere is posting a sign up for hiring a kid in your complex to come hang out with your DD for cheap so you can get a little more time to do things at the house.

We also have library groups around here that are really fun for the toddler set.  Alot of moms bring there babys as well.

I think that's it's near impossible even with one to do much for the first few months.  They're just constantly inputting or outputting or needing to be put to sleep (so cute though!). 

I also remember the fear of being out alone with my ds, and I was super nervous but once I got into the habit, it was just part of the routine.  My DS who's almost 2 is a completely different creature if he does or doesn't get out of the house during the day.

Good luck and I really hope you're not beating yourself up for it! 

[anjsmama]

How's it going this week? I am feeling like a SAHM failure on and off too. A lot of these mamas are right - it DOES get easier as your LO gets older. But then it sort of gets harder too... 

I remember all the issues you are mentioning the first 3 months - the impossibility of juggling their needs, the impossibility of going out, oversupply, the sleep deprivation, etc, etc etc. Over time, most of that got all figured out and DD is actually the most chill little baby ever. She is seriously so laid back and went from SCREAMING HER HEAD OFF for hours a day between 6-12 weeks to crying almost NEVER just shy of 7 months. But we are also totally alone here (no friends, no family, no.body.) .. we moved when DD was 3 months. And my DS (just turned 3) decided this is good time to go through regression (from full-time potty trained to full time diapers, night waking, climbing in my DD's crib, and flat out saying "I'm a baby. I wanna be a baby."). That's what has made this part harder for me... now that DD sits and crawls, DS has turned insanely jealous and no amount of kiss, cuddles, and one-on-one time is enough. So actually I would say parenting the OLDER child has gotten harder, the baby has become cake.

The one thing that saves us is going out. I started when DD was just over 3 months and now we go pretty much everyday. I typically wear her at the park so I can have my hands free for DS while he's climbing and what-not. I got over the whole NIP thing..... I realized if any of us were ever gonna have any sanity, I'd just have to suck it up. Besides, I figured I literally don't know anyone in 200 miles, how embarassing could it be...? 

I pack our bag the night before - wipes and diapers, snacks & underwear (diapers?! GRRR) for DS, water, sunscreen, extra clothes, and what have you. After the morning nap ends and everyone seems in a decent mood, I just go. Both kids moods are about a 100000% better when we're not in the 900 sq ft apt with no outside space. 

I also had  (several) huge talks with my DH. We've never had anything even remotely close to a "struggle" period before so I just laid it all out there - I'm drowning. Help me more. Do the laundry. Take DS to the park. I'm going running - here's the kids. When you get home from work, the day is not over. You worked all day, I worked all day, now we've got more work and parenting to do. I've never been so direct with my DH before but he says he just needs to know what I need..  so I tell him! If your DH is your only help, make sure he helps! 

On the bright side, I've encouraged my kids to sleep at the same time (except obviously DD takes 3 day naps, and DS only takes one). We ALL (YES, me too!) nap together around 1 pm.  I lay with DS and get him to sleep first, and then nurse-nap with DD. Pretty much the same at bedtime (which is 730 for DS & 8 for DD). We have to get up at 530 around here... but at least after 8 pm DH & I can have our time together. We usually do an hour of "stuff" cleaning, studying, or whatever, and then an hour just hanging together. This time together SERIOUSLY helps ease any tension caused by how hard parenting 2 kids is!  

Hmm  that's all I can think of for right now and I'm off to put DD down......... just wanting to let you know much of this I felt exactly and almost all of it is gone (though new problems arise...)! Gradual betterment kind of sucks but one day you will wake up and realize it's not QUITE as hard as it was before. 

*Sigh*.. I'm still hoping to meet people too...

[WhiteHorse]

Oh I feel for you. I am definitely an "outside cat" and was forced to live in a 2nd floor 2 br apt for a year with a toddler and teenager. I know how cramped and trapped and just icky it is to live like that. Now we are renting a 2 br house and it is 5 people (new baby not in the siggy), But we in a not so great part of town with a tiny yard, no driveway for bikes and we have to drive a bit to go to a park.I too am a bit "lost" where I am now. It's tough not having anyone around to hang with and help raise those youngins. Can you find a 12 year old girl to come and be mommy's helper? I would give anything for a 12 year old girl! Or you could offer to do "afterschool" care at your house for a school age girl who could serve as an older playmate/model for your DD.

You will get the hang of things! You will. I thought I would never be able to handle two little ones (of different ages) with my extreeeemely demanding 3 yo DS and new baby. He spends more time in front of the tv now than ever, and more time alone, playing in the sandbox by himself and it is heartbreaking to watch him struggle with all the changes. He lashes out at me on a daily basis! I do try to spend every long nap just playing with him and not trying to clean the house. Some days are better than others.

Have you tried a wrap? That might be more comfortable for you to wear the baby longer. My new one is now 4 months and I thought I would never get her to enjoy being IN the carrier at all, but now she likes the wrap for walks and some housework. If your climate gets cooler in the fall, you will feel much better getting them out of the house. Hugs to you!

[Beauchamp]

OP here. Well, it's still very rough. I wish I had better news to report, but the fact remains that it's just VERY HARD to be a SAHM to two kiddos this young. I've been doing a LOT of babywearing (as in, almost all naps) and my feet and back are killing me. I am bouncing LO on the ball, DD is napping, and DH is sleeping on the couch. It's tough to always feel like I come dead last in terms of self-care/rest/food/relaxation...

Keep posting, mamas! It helps to know I'm not alone. Maybe someday this wretched heat will break and make leaving the house a bit easier.

Oh, and I've found two things that really help-- coffee and wine.

[anjsmama]

Originally Posted by Beauchamp 

OP here. Well, it's still very rough. I wish I had better news to report, but the fact remains that it's just VERY HARD to be a SAHM to two kiddos this young. I've been doing a LOT of babywearing (as in, almost all naps) and my feet and back are killing me. I am bouncing LO on the ball, DD is napping, and DH is sleeping on the couch. It's tough to always feel like I come dead last in terms of self-care/rest/food/relaxation...

Keep posting, mamas! It helps to know I'm not alone. Maybe someday this wretched heat will break and make leaving the house a bit easier.

Oh, and I've found two things that really help-- coffee and wine.

    Yep. Still super hard here too. I went as far as taking a job interview, getting offered the job, and turning it down, to remind myself that I HAVE a choice. Even though I still want to jump out the window most days......