How to deal with advice

[BrascosPrincess]

I am 22, and have two children. My oldest is 2 and my youngest is 10 months. Everywhere I go weather its grocery shopping or to check my mail I am surrounded by people trying to tell me what and how to do things with my kids. I may be taking it to heart too much but I find it kind of insulting and degrading how I see best for my kids. And I don't know how to deal with it. I feel as though people talk to me like I'm stupid and don't know what I am doing because I am young. But I have been around children and babies since I was old enough to remember and have lots of expierience. It is overwelming to me on how to let things go. My husband it has no effect on he just lets it go in one ear and out the other he doesnt let it bother him like it does me. He doesn't understand how it makes me feel. Am I the only one that feels this way when people tell me how to parent my kids? Or are my feelings completely normal? I feel like I am losing my mind.

[Smokering]

Hmm. I'm a youngish mum too (well, I was... had DD at 21, and my recent baby on my 25th birthday). I don't recall getting too much unwanted advice - but I don't have a particularly approachable demeanor, so maybe people were just too scared to offer any! :p I did get chewed out once by my grocery store lady for DD not wearing socks - it was hot weather, I was wearing her and her feet were in no way cold, so I knew I wasn't actually doing anything dreadful, but it was upsetting nonetheless. And I was similarly yelled at once by an old guy when DD wasn't wearing a sunhat (which, yes, she should have been, but she was at a stage where you could not keep a hat on her, short of stapling it to her head...).

Could you try giving your critics a confident, no-nonsense smile and saying "I've got it, thanks" when they start offering advice? What kind of things are they saying?

I'm sorry you're feeling belittled - people can have really sucky attitudes to young mums.

[mamazee]

I'm 43 and have a 9-year-old and a 2-year-old and I get a lot of this kind of advice too, where people assume I'm stupid or something. I think it might be universal. Unsolicited advice is a hallmark of parenting. It is annoying but try not to take it personally. You'd probably get it no matter how old you were, and no matter what parenting choices you were making.

[lifeguard]

My Mom had me at 17 & she has told me more than once about this. She said she just learn to nod & smile & then take the info that she found helpful & leave the rest.

[SweetSilver]

Trust me, often it is an incontrollable reflex we have.  Sometimes wisdom is hard won, and we wish someone could have told us earlier and saved us some trouble.  We see little babies and newish mothers (i. e. mothers with kids younger than ours!) and try as we might eeeeeeAAAAAAAAH GOTTA.....GIVE......ADVICE......CAN"T.....RESIST.......ANY............

LONGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  AAAAH!!! Then we are done for, it's over, our gums flap and there you are, on the receiving end.  I apologize in advance to you and any and all mothers whom I victimize with such a random assault!

                                                                                                      

[aparent]

   I feel that since the children are important,

it's important I listen to all advice. They're

too important and I'm no where near perfect so

I try being open even to unwelcome advice.

[UpToSomeGood]

It takes a village.

[Smokering]

It takes a village.

The saying is "It takes a village to raise a child", not "it takes a village to give unsolicited advice to a mother who's doing all the raising just fine by herself".

[childsplay]

I had my oldest when I was 17, then years later I had three kids in two years, so at both points in my 'new' parent life I was a target for advice, both wanted and unwanted, as well as comments, lots of negative of course, but lots of really awesome postive, kind stuff too that I didn't always realize in the heat of the moment : )

I think with my first it was simply because I was, and looked so young. Sometimes it would bother me, like when he was crying and I was waiting for the bus, in the cold, with a stroller, diaper bag, groceries, and one dollar to my name because his jack a$$ father stole my pay for drugs again (I had a p/t nanny gig) so the advice "oh you should take that baby indoors, or oh my, poor baby's cold,you should take a cab", made me want to want to kick them. (If I had the option to take a cab don't you think I would??!!)

With my next three I got lots of, "oh you should keep a closer eye on them" (like when at a playground one of my twins wandered to the edge of the woods, picked up a stick and started hitting a tree.) Or "you should really hire a nanny to help you"

But there's also lots of great advice too, from people who are genuinely think they're helping. I remember feeling like such a P.O.S. after I snapped at an older lady who made a sypathetic noise when one of my twins was melting down. Later, after the meltdown had passed and he had morphed back from shreiking, soul draining monster into sweet little boy (now ketchup covered and sleepy) I sought her out and apologized. She went on to tell me all about her set of twins who were now adults and how she remembered way back then.....

Once they hit preschooler age the advice, good and bad mostly stopped. Now I'm ASKING people for advice!

[funkymamajoy]

Advice from strangers: just nod and smile

Advice from family: just say "This works for us"

I don't think it has anything to do with Mom's age. I had kids at 27, 29 and 30 and got (and still get) tons of well meaning advice from everyone.

[meemee]

i had my dd when i was 37. i got surrounded by advice.

and i still do. from strangers and friends (no family here). 

ugh. the ones i hate are friends who are teachers and so think they know how to parent. 

i will say its gotten easier for me as dd grew up. i was so passionate about it when she was a toddler. 

what really helped me - which i realised as i kept looking at the people talking to me - was to see it as people trying to connect with me (i have the face that has therapist written all over my face. i am not one, but since i was a teenager i've had strangers talk to me about things bugging them). 

even if it comes across as mean and rude... i see it people trying to connect and that helped me cope. mind u i didnt have that perspective when dd was a toddler. 

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by BrascosPrincess 

 I may be taking it to heart too much but I find it kind of insulting and degrading how I see best for my kids.

You may or may not be able to control how much of it you, but you do control how you deal with it. Right now, you are making it all about YOU. You are taking it to heart. But it doesn't have anything at all to do with you -- it's just what they say. They most likely say the same things to everyone. It's not personal.

Smile and nod and let it all go. None of it is about you. 

[Ruthiegirl]

Oh mama!   You are going to get a lot of unsolicited advice.  People cannot resist giving advice.  I am a big fan of the smile-and-nod method.  I add in lots of "uh-huh" and "hmmm" and "interesting" and "oh really".  And then I let 99% of it wash away while I store away the one little tidbit that might be useful.  

But really, don't take it personally.  It has nothing to with your age.  I am 38 and I get all the same advice.  I just have years of thick skin built up to deal with it. 

 

[Ruthiegirl]

And I have to share my latest bit of awesome, unsolicited advice.  

Lady at the grocery store -- "Are all of those kids yours?"  

Me (I have three and pregnant with #4) -- "Yes, they are."

Lady at grocery store -- "You're not going to breastfeed are you?"

Me -- "Yes, I will be breastfeeding."

Lady at grocery store -- "Woman your age shouldn't breastfeed.  Your boobs are going to drag on the floor."

Awesome.  Sheer awesomeness.  

 

 

[NellieKatz]

Ha!!! That's a good one!

A previous commenter mentioned letting it "wash away," which was a good point. I have tried that with other things that people say which trigger me and make me insane for the rest of the day. Intellectually I *KNOW* it's not personal, and that I am supposedly able to control my reaction, bla bla bla, but it's really hard!! So I started practicing really consciously letting it go, like it's a balloon. Like, here is the unwanted advice, it's a balloon I'm holding in my hand, and look at that it's flying away! gone from my life!

Being able to visualize it bouncing off, washing off, or floating away may help!  :-)

[MrsBone]

omg seriously?? oh and breastfeeding doesnt have alot to do with saggy boobs, pregnancy alone will do it.

Originally Posted by Ruthiegirl 

And I have to share my latest bit of awesome, unsolicited advice.  

Lady at the grocery store -- "Are all of those kids yours?"  

Me (I have three and pregnant with #4) -- "Yes, they are."

Lady at grocery store -- "You're not going to breastfeed are you?"

Me -- "Yes, I will be breastfeeding."

Lady at grocery store -- "Woman your age shouldn't breastfeed.  Your boobs are going to drag on the floor."

Awesome.  Sheer awesomeness.  

 

 

[Chicky2]

I never got alot of unsolicited advice, but I too am probably not all that approachable.  I'm a big ole Amazon mama, so I'm told often by friends. Plus I'm a homesteader and I look like it, lol.  It's cool, though.  I give plenty of advice myself.   Seriously, it's not about your age.  It's about the fact that all mamas want to share their well-earned advice because we all want others to have it easier.  That's why I have been known to offer a mama a ring sling (periodically I make them to keep in the car just for this purpose).  There really is alot of well-meant advice out there, and of course it's not all going to work for you.  But some of it might and you might be really happy to have a new tip to use sometime right when you need it most, even if you didn't think you'd need it at the time.  Be open, Mama.

[Chicky2]

Ruthiegirl, I sure hope you don't step on a boob and injure yourself! 

[Smokering]

Lady at grocery store -- "Woman your age shouldn't breastfeed.  Your boobs are going to drag on the floor."

Hee! Next time, say "I'm actually only 22, I'm just worn out from childbearing" and casually pull out a tooth and chuck it away. That'd larn her.

[MissAnthrope]

I like "I've got it handled."  Or "I'll give that all the consideration it deserves."

I had someone try to touch my preemie once to check if his feet were cold, because OMG, shouldn't he be wearing socks, blah blah blah...it was 88 degrees.  I was wearing him.  He was absolutely fine.  When she reached out to touch him, I sidestepped and nicely reminded her that touching someone's child without their permission is assault.

I had my first at 14, and then my preemie at 22 and a termie at 23.  So...you might say I have low tolerance for people offering unsolicited advice at this point.