How to deal with advice - Page 2

[waiting2bemommy]

I don't take offense when people offer me advice in a symapthetic way. Even if it is something I would never, ever do, I know that I being pro breastfeeding often offer advice on that subject, and what the mama does with it is totally her business, and I mean no harm, so I try to assume that others have that perspective as well. However, I *always* phrase my advice as what worked well with my kid.....like just sharing an anecdote, kind of. I never tell someone "you should" because how am I supposed to know what they should do? There could be a million reasons why they're doing it that way. There are certainly reasons behind some of the apparently wacky things I do with my kids. That being said, if someone starts telling me what I should and shouldn't be doing, or gets nosy or personal or otherwise crosses my personal threshold of patience and tolerance, I either a) completely ignore them, like continue what I'm doing as though they did not exist (this is how I control myself so as not to go nuts on them in a public place) or b) I unleash my verbal wrath. Sometimes something like "I know what I'm doing, thanks." Other times I'm a little more sarcastic. Either way they shut up pretty quick. :)

[Chicky2]

Originally Posted by MissAnthrope 

I like "I've got it handled."  Or "I'll give that all the consideration it deserves."

I had someone try to touch my preemie once to check if his feet were cold, because OMG, shouldn't he be wearing socks, blah blah blah...it was 88 degrees.  I was wearing him.  He was absolutely fine.  When she reached out to touch him, I sidestepped and nicely reminded her that touching someone's child without their permission is assault.

I had my first at 14, and then my preemie at 22 and a termie at 23.  So...you might say I have low tolerance for people offering unsolicited advice at this point.

You are correct that no one should just walk up and touch your child.  I would never ever do that.  But I would like to ask why exactly it ruffles your feathers so much that a stranger might care about your child's well-being?  Unless it's downright rude I can't wrap my head around that lack of openness.  Do you genuinely think you know everything about parenting?  I'm seriously not trying to pick at you or anything, I'm just really curious.  Is it because having children at a young age makes you think no one thinks you know anything?  Or have you actually been treated like that?

I have been wearing my baby before, in warm weather, but their feet have been cold because I was in a store, or the circulation is mildly affected by the sling, or whatever.  I think it's totally normal for someone who loves babies to be worried about the possibility that their little feet might be cold.  I mean, come on, baby feet are just so precious!! 

[MissAnthrope]

I wasn't bothered that she asked, PP.  I was bothered that she actually tried to touch my kid without even the slightest hint of asking permission.

If she hadn't tried to touch him, I could have left it at "Thanks, but I've got it handled."  But no, even AFTER I told her that he was a preemie, she tried to touch him.  I fail to see why, for the sake of politeness, I should let someone who would try that continue to believe that it was okay to touch strangers' kids, and PREEMIES, for that matter.

But I didn't yell and scream and throw a fit.  I simply stated a fact and then went about my business.  I don't think that I know everything there is to know, but actually I had just checked the temperature of the baby's feet right before this woman started talking to me.  I do think that I know more than any stranger does about my children.

As a totally separate issue, yes, I have been treated very badly in the past by people who assumed that I couldn't possibly know what I was doing because of my age.  When my oldest was a toddler and had one of those unavoidable grocery store meltdowns and I was down at her level talking to her about her feelings, a woman actually stopped and told me that I should give her up for adoption if I couldn't handle being a parent.  With my ODS, the hot-button issue is that I haven't cut his hair yet...don't I know that having long hair could make him "a homo"?  With YDS, it's baby-led weaning...if I can't afford to buy baby food, I shouldn't have so many babies!  So yes, I am a bit jaded about people's "good intentions" in giving unsolicited advice.

But I'm not a raging lunatic.  Unless people seriously overstep their boundaries (by, say, trying to touch my child), I say "I've got it handled" and walk away.

[Chicky2]

I can totally see getting offended by someone repeatedly trying to touch your child.  I get that.  Sounds like you've had some especially rough comments by strangers and thankfully I cannot wrap my brain around how people could think they have the right to say that crap either. 

I hear you about the hair issue, too.  Um, my dh has long hair, and at one time my son had a mohawk (before that he had long hair, and then again after and now it's "mainstream" short, lol).  We were walking down a ritzy kinda street together and the looks back and forth from my dh to my son were pretty comical.  But no one has ever *said* anything.

I guess maybe I worry that things like that are messing w/your perception of other's good intentions.  Most people aren't mean!  Maybe you live in an especially untolerant area, I dunno.  I'm sorry people have treated you that way and I hope you are open to the fact that not everyone wants to tell you things like that.

I live in hicksville and am the only dreadhead in a very small town.  Still people don't treat us or my kids any differently.  At least not to our faces, but people's opinions of me aren't really my business unless they make it that way, yk?