It's okay if you're not positive all the time. I couldn't even do the things I thought I "should" be doing. I just did what I could. For me, yes, PAL was very scary, but at the same time I wanted to enjoy every moment I did have with my baby - for however long that was. Now she's 3, but none of us ever know how long we'll have. The worry doesn't stop after baby is born either!
It's completely normal to be scared of u/s. I used to love them. Now the thought of them makes me very nervous. I'm not as scared as I used to be, but it's not the same as before for sure. There's anxiety with u/s. I've gotten bad news at u/s. My SIL has gotten bad news at u/s. Even with this pg (3rd after loss) I still worry. I'm not the same blissfully unaware mom that I was before loss. I don't count on having a baby at the end of 9 months. Sometimes I wonder how long this will last. I'm not as young as I used to be.
But I still want to enjoy it. I know that worrying and being upset is not going to change the outcome, nor is it going to make it less painful if I should lose this baby, but at least I would know that I spent as much time as possible enjoying this baby while I have the chance. It may be days, it may be weeks, it may be years.
It's crazy how a previous loss affects us. My last pg was unexpected. I had other plans. Baby didn't really fit into all the things I wanted to do. I tried to pretend I could do all those things anyway and I could, but in my mind I couldn't be completely present in pg and do them so I spent my time doing, not really thinking much of pg. Then I started spotting and I couldn't stop crying. I could barely talk. DH was wondering what was wrong. I couldn't believe how deeply it hurt to think I may lose another one - one I was still trying to wrap my head around the idea of having. Thankfully, things went well. I can't believe he scared me like that! He's a year old now. :)
Still...here I am, avoiding all the loss posts because I just don't want to fall into that sadness. I just want to enjoy the moments I have. I may never, ever be pg again. I don't want to miss it. I feel like I "missed" a lot of my last pg keeping myself busy with carrying out all those plans I had. I still have guilt over that. I didn't even realize it until I found out I was pg again this time.
I totally understand those that cannot participate in naming or buying things for baby. Since my loss I really haven't wanted to buy much at all before baby was born. Only what was necessary and only close to delivery time. This time I feel the same. I don't want to know gender. I don't even want to think of names, there is time for that later. I do not feel like buying a bunch of baby stuff. My youngest is only a year old. We have baby stuff somewhere around the house I'm sure. I don't want to assume or jinx anything!
(((HUGS))) hang in there mamas!