Join here if you were "old" when you became a mom

[CI Mama]

Hi everyone,

I became a mom at the age of 38. I'm interested in connecting with others who started their parenting journey "later" in life.

If you feel like that's you, please share your story!

Adoptive moms welcome. Moms of infants/young children/older children welcome.

What's great about being an older parent? What do you find challenging?

[CI Mama]

Now I'm 41 and DD will be 3 in October.

What I like about being an "older" parent:

I really know myself.

I took time to develop a career in a field I love and now I have really fulfilling work. I know I'm a better mom because I have work outside the home & I like it.

My job provides better pay and benefits than I've ever had before, and that's important since our family relies on my income.

I have a lot of perspective. Things that used to create a lot of drama in my life when I was in my 20s and early 30s just don't faze me anymore.

My partner & I have been together 18+ years, we've been through a lot together, and we're in a really solid place, which I believe is good for our parenting.

The #1 reason I wish I'd been able to start a family sooner is that I wish my mom, who died 13 years ago, would have been able to meet my daughter. There's no way I was ready to become a mom when I was in my 20s, though. (I was 28 when mom died).

I also recognize that I've put my body through a lot to get pregnant, give birth, and parent an infant. I wish I'd had my 25-year-old body but my 38-year-old brain when I got pregnant! Ha ha, it doesn't work that way!

[CatsCradle]

I had DD when I was 42 and now I'm almost 48!  I'm in!

[Daffodil]

I had DD when I was 40 and DS when I was 43.  Now I'm 49.  I'm sure I'm a better parent than I would have been when I was younger.  But it's kind of depressing that by the time I'm done raising my kids I'll be old.

[tinybutterfly]

I'm in.

I got married at 25.

I had ds#1 at 31 and ds#2 at 37. They are 23 now and soon to be 17. 

What I liked about it, advantages... I KNEW I wanted children for SURE. I knew earlier, but we waited and by the time we had them I was soooo ready to be a mom. 

I had had time to work, go to school for many years, so when I decided to be a sahm, it was a decision I made because that was what I wanted to do. I chose to be sahm because it suited me. 

Disadvantages...I am tired. Seriously.

And having me going through perimenopause while ds#2 is going through adolescence, not so great some days. 

Their generation seems to marry even later than my generation did ( I was "late" for my generation) and they seem to have their children much later in life. I wonder if I will ever see any grandbabies. And if I do, will I be physically fit enough to be a good grandma? 

I think I would have been okay mom in my twenties. I have always known I wanted to be a mother and I like children in general. 

My body actually did fine. I guess I would have lost weight more easily and more quickly in my twenties, but it came off eventually. My body held up pretty well until my 50s...but that is my fault. I have never been one to excercise much. My weight is fine, but I could use some toning for sure. I have not held up as well as Madonna, who is I think one year younger than I am. 

Mostly I am tired. I keep hoping once I am IN menopause, that I will perk up a bit. 

[CatsCradle]

I don't know if I would have parented in an AP way differently if I were younger when I had DD, but I think that my attitudes regarding the philosophical and practical aspects of parenthood are much, much more relaxed and possibly informed.  I tend to view things in a longer lens, so to speak.  When I was younger, I was super intolerant of many things, and I don't know if that was because I hadn't experienced parenthood yet or if my passions ran higher because I tended to look at things through rose colored glasses.  I'll never regret that I waited for DD.  For me, personally, my long past life gave me really good perspectives in entering parenthood, despite the fact that it is scary endeavor!  

[meemee]

honestly mama - i am not exactly sure how different it is being an older mom (mainly coz i lack the experience of a younger mom). i had dd right before my 38th bday. i had an easy peasy pregnancy and i refused all the high risk stuff. i knew no other way to give birth. had i known i would have done a home birth. i had fibroids and the OB was v. surprised i suffered from no pain. it just made my tummy huge. 

i have always wanted children. i was the family babysitter. i was a natural with babies and kids - the favourite aunt. so i am not sure if i would have been much different. 

i started my life all over. single. changed my career. so poor student. 

i have mostly single young mothers as friends. and because i am not working i am the baby sitter. 

perhaps i will say this. i definitely enjoy things more. simple things bring so much joy. 

i am in perimenopause. i stopped reading to dd at around 4 i think coz i kept falling asleep. instead i switched to stories. when i do read its never at bedtime. 

yes i get tired easily and just take short cat naps. 

[CI Mama]

Originally Posted by tinybutterfly 

I'm in.

I got married at 25.

I had ds#1 at 31 and ds#2 at 37. They are 23 now and soon to be 17. 

What I liked about it, advantages... I KNEW I wanted children for SURE. I knew earlier, but we waited and by the time we had them I was soooo ready to be a mom. 

I had had time to work, go to school for many years, so when I decided to be a sahm, it was a decision I made because that was what I wanted to do. I chose to be sahm because it suited me. 

Disadvantages...I am tired. Seriously.

I am so with you!!!

And having me going through perimenopause while ds#2 is going through adolescence, not so great some days. 

I want to hear more about this. I believe my partner & I have timed things perfectly so that we'll both be going through menopause when our daughter is going through puberty. Yikes!!!

Their generation seems to marry even later than my generation did ( I was "late" for my generation) and they seem to have their children much later in life. I wonder if I will ever see any grandbabies. And if I do, will I be physically fit enough to be a good grandma? 

I think about this a lot, too. If DD waits as long to become a mom as I did, I'll be 76 years old before I'm a grandma. I'm working to keep my mind & body fit & flexible so that if/when that day arrives, I'll be ready for it.

I think I would have been okay mom in my twenties. I have always known I wanted to be a mother and I like children in general. 

My body actually did fine. I guess I would have lost weight more easily and more quickly in my twenties, but it came off eventually. My body held up pretty well until my 50s...but that is my fault. I have never been one to excercise much. My weight is fine, but I could use some toning for sure. I have not held up as well as Madonna, who is I think one year younger than I am. 

Mostly I am tired. I keep hoping once I am IN menopause, that I will perk up a bit. 

[CI Mama]

I felt great during my pregnancy & was not treated as "high risk" but I had a harder time than most people with labor/delivery. I do believe age was a factor in that for me. Not that I was "too old" and that's why I ended up with a c-section. But more that because of my age, I couldn't overcome some of the obstacles that got in the way of a natural birth. If I'd been able to manifest more ideal circumstances, I think I would have had an easier time, or if I'd been younger, I would have had the energy to just push through things.  But the combination of obstacles AND age just did me in. And that was a really rough start to parenting.

I don't know if this is a good thing necessarily, but the difficulty of that start has completely erased any doubts or second guessing I might have had regarding having another child. My DP and I went into this 90% sure that we would only have one kid. And I thought that I might eventually feel sort of sad and wish that I could get pregnant again and have another. Nope. I'm sooooo glad that I did it, and I'm also soooo glad I don't have to do it again! And we are thrilled with our one.

[tinybutterfly]

Originally Posted by meemee 

. 

i have always wanted children. i was the family babysitter. i was a natural with babies and kids - the favourite aunt. so i am not sure if i would have been much different. 

yes i get tired easily and just take short cat naps. 

Originally Posted by CI Mama 

I felt great during my pregnancy & was not treated as "high risk" but I had a harder time than most people with labor/delivery. I do believe age was a factor in that for me. Not that I was "too old" and that's why I ended up with a c-section. But more that because of my age, I couldn't overcome some of the obstacles that got in the way of a natural birth. If I'd been able to manifest more ideal circumstances, I think I would have had an easier time, or if I'd been younger, I would have had the energy to just push through things.  But the combination of obstacles AND age just did me in. And that was a really rough start to parenting.

I don't know if this is a good thing necessarily, but the difficulty of that start has completely erased any doubts or second guessing I might have had regarding having another child. My DP and I went into this 90% sure that we would only have one kid. And I thought that I might eventually feel sort of sad and wish that I could get pregnant again and have another. Nope. I'm sooooo glad that I did it, and I'm also soooo glad I don't have to do it again! And we are thrilled with our one.

That was me, too. I was a Sunday school teacher at a young age, I babysat a lot of my cousins and LOVED it, I babysat other people's kids and LOVED it and even as an adult I will tend to draw kids into the conversation or try to make sure they feel welcome, comfortable talking with the adults. I like kids. I always have. 

Cat naps...oh, how I love thee! 

I ended up with a C-section first time around, but it never occurred to me it was due to my age, but I do know ds#1 was sunnyside up, they couldn't get him turned, my tailbone was hooked like a J and they asked if it had ever been broken ( I played hard and fell so many times as a kid I had no idea) and after working hard to push him out, I just couldn't, so had a C-section. He weighed 7 pounds and 7 ounces.

Second time I ( barely) had a vbac and the doctor did comment that some women were built to have babies easily, I was not one of them. I am 4' 11", have a narrow pelvis, that hooked tailbone and ds#2 only weighed 6 pounds 6 ounces and I barely managed to avoid a c-section. They did use that little vacuum thingie. Again, it never occurred to me that it was my age, but just my general build. 

My pregnancies were easy, I conceived immediately both times, my labors were hard and fast ( 6 hours the first time around, 4 hours the second time around ( not including pushing time) but the women in my family all have fast labors. I tried to tell the doctor that the second time...he seemed surprised how quickly it all went. 

I was listed as high risk due to my age I think, but I didn't do any of the testing. I did get the bloodwork done regularly and did do the glucose testing ( diabetes runs in my family) and back then my idea of a "natural" birth was more fluid. I wanted no heavy duty drugs, to be able to walk around if I wanted and  to be able to push the baby out if possible. I am okay with how things worked out, not exactly as I had planned, but not heinous either.

Family FREAKED OUT when I suggested a homebirth with a midwife ( late 80s first time around, so not as commen as today) and this was, at the time, not the hill I wanted to die on, so to speak. I went with a hospital birth and a birth plan with some flexibility on my part since I had been told, due to my very short stature and narrow hips, all my life that I would likely end up with c-sections. I think if my tailbone had been okay and ds#1 had been in the correct position, I could have pushed him out or maybe they might have had to use forceps, but could have avoided a c-section. I will say this, the doctor worked VERY HARD to get ds#1 to turn, but it just was not happening. I never felt like my c-section was unnecessary. I am okay with it. I never felt like a failure. It just was what it was. Shrugs.

I guess recoveries might have been quicker if had been younger. I never thought about it. I was pretty healthy at 31 and 37 and it didn't occur to me that I would have healed faster if I had been a younger mother. 

The perimenopause thing...oh, your household will be interesting with two of you in perimenopause/menopause and your child in adolescence! Okay, the GOOD news first. Chances are good you will be MUCH more understanding of the hormonal upheaval your kid is going through, because your hormones are going to be just as out of whack. Since you and your partner will have both been through adoloscence yourselves and will have had to deal with PMS ( possibly, I guess not everyone gets raging PMS) you will have both had some experience navigating the hormonal ups and downs. Your teen will not. They will think they are the ONLY one who feels so out of control, confused and like they are on a rollercoaster. Since you will all three be experiencing hormonal fluctuations, you can assure your teen that yes, you do understand and that all of you will need to be a bit more forgiving of each other, patient with each other and quick to apologize when that is not possible. It IS hard somedays, for all involved. But you and your partner will have the advantage of knowing that this will pass. Your teen may think it is going to be like this FOREVER and not realize that it gets better. You can assure her it will get better. Oh, and I want to assure both of you, that it gets better, too. I am not "there" yet, but I have noticed a lessening of my symptoms ( hot flashes, memory loss, mood swings, etc.) and am hopefully coming out the other end! ((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))) ahead of time. AND maybe you will have easy perimenopauses. Some women do! 

The bad news...on BAD days, you will all be CRANKY and there will be drama. Feelings will run high. As long as everyone is aware that this is partly hormones and that things are not as dire as they seem, things can be worked out. I have told ds#2 I am just as hormonal as he is and we try to cut each other some slack when we can. We talk when we can. Sometimes we go to our separate areas of the house if we can't be nice enough to talk for awhile. I really think it's just a matter of being aware, talking when you can and helping by letting them know you understand how it feels and yes, it can be scary to feel so out of control. I finally ended up on Feingold diet to get hold of my moodswings. It has been a great help. Honestly, I should have been eating healthier anyway,but ya know...I don't always do the healthy thing. I LOVE me some Homemade Cherry Cordial Ice Cream...which I have not had in YEARS now. Full of red dye and who knows what else, but oh, my soooooo tasty! 

Anyway, one child can be a great decision! Enjoy your little one and lots of happy families have one child. 

Oh, the trying to stay in shape to be a good grandma, yea, I am trying to make sure I am in good shape, too. Somethings are out of my control, but what I can work on, I will. 

Sorry to have rambled! 

Right now the tired thing bothers me the most. I need to start taking some good vitamens, get more excercise and really, good sleep would help. I struggle with insomnia. Always have, but it's been worse during this whole hormonal shifting thing. Hot flashes will wake you up! lol!

[IsaFrench]

am 48 today, my children are 12, 10 and 4 (so I was 35, 37 and 43)

was mistaken for their grand mother last spring

before getting pregnant read a wonderful book published in the UK about 30 years ago

(but lent it to someone in America who didn't have children yet

and didn't have the heart to press for having it back because it looked like she needed to read it)

it was all about different mothers experience of having children later in life

buying that book second hand at a decluttering sale of my then local library was really lucky for me

because it really helped me feel at ease with the way my life decisions were unfolding

have to go right now but will be back to read all previous posts ...

[meemee]

oooh i just made a realization... what i thought was personal growth... is actually age related. 

i have always been the person who can see both sides. at my school reunions the one thing that everyone remembers about me was i was always the mediator. right from 4th grade. i was also v. open so i didnt take many comments to heart. 

i recall that things that affect other young moms (i was part of a single moms group and i was the oldest and the only old one there too. most of the other moms had moms closer to my age - if not my age) were not such a great deal for me. i could actually read between the lines. if someone came across and made a rude comment or were v. critical of my parenting - i stopped getting upset once i crossed my 40s. in fact i had the opposite reaction. compassion for the lonely people trying to figure out how to connect. its really an age thing. because the more i look around - all the things that i was passionate about - man i have mellowed out sooo much. i can see in the whole realm of things - its not that big a deal. 

i tell you as i have grown older GD has become so much natural. actually i am pretty sure i practise consensual parenting more because of age than just the philosophy. in fact that was what was natural to me and i was surprised to find that a label actually existed. 

[dbsam]

I'm an 'old mom'.  I had my twins at age 40.  I didn't think I was that old but was reminded at every appointment about my AMA status (after leaving the care of the RE where my age was not mentioned).

My husband and I both had older parents too.  So, one drawback is the lack of grandparents.  If my husband's parents were alive they would be 95 and 105.  I was lucky that my grandmother lived a healthy life until age 102 so I had one wonderful grand-parental relationship.  My husband never had that and neither will my children. 

I wish we w/h had our children ten years earlier but there are positives about having them when we did.  I love staying home and that probably would not have been an option ten years earlier.  Also, my husband and I had many years together before having children and I had a career, so staying home and focusing on the children is nice.  I do not feel like I am missing out on anything since we had an opportunity to do whatever we wanted for so many years.

That said, when I see my friends with their college-aged children I do feel a little concerned that I will not have enough time with my children. 

[CI Mama]

This may be a "TMI" question, but if you're willing to share...

For those of you who did extended breastfeeding, what were your breasts like after that was done?

DD weaned about 3 weeks ago, and I'm still waiting to see any significant changes to my breasts. In fact, I'm still producing a little milk...not enough to be engorged or anything, but just a little trickle after I've been in the shower.

My hope is that my breasts will shrink back to their "normal" size, and hopefully somewhat normal shape. My fear is that they'll deflate and hang down to my hip bones. But I guess if I scoop them into the right bra, they'll look OK.

Anyone willing to share your experience with "old", post-BFing breasts? Any recommendations for helping things get back to normal?

Thanks in advance!!!

[Daffodil]

I think my breasts are still bigger than before I had kids, but not hugely bigger.  They do droop more than they used to, but I'm pretty sure everyone who's almost 50 has breasts that droop more than they used to.  My guess is that they probably look pretty similar to the way they'd look now if I'd never had kids.  I don't think they changed much after I finally stopped nursing, so if you're like me, whatever you've got now is what you're stuck with.

[McGucks]

I'm in, and thanks for creating this group.  I am almost 41.  Had DS1 at 25 and DS2 (second marriage) at 39. 

The main difference for me is that I am emotionally and physically much, much healthier and happier than I was when I was younger.  I was approached when DS2 was teeny by a stranger who noticed I was not a young mom, and they said "The difference between and younger mom and a not-younger mom is YOUR BACK."  And, for me, that sure was right on.  Yeah, I'm tired, but so are the 20-somethings in my mom's groups.  I do have perspective that is different that I had when I had DS1.

[mambera]

Deleted, sorry for thread-crashing!

Edited by mambera - 8/10/11 at 11:13am

[CI Mama]

Originally Posted by Daffodil 

I think my breasts are still bigger than before I had kids, but not hugely bigger.  They do droop more than they used to, but I'm pretty sure everyone who's almost 50 has breasts that droop more than they used to.  My guess is that they probably look pretty similar to the way they'd look now if I'd never had kids.  I don't think they changed much after I finally stopped nursing, so if you're like me, whatever you've got now is what you're stuck with.

Thanks for sharing.

I was a D cup before I got pregnant, and my breasts doubled in size while I was breastfeeding. They've shrunk a little in the past year, but they are still pretty huge. I hope I'm not stuck with this size!!!

Anyone else willing to share your breast story???

[meemee]

my breast story...

i am LOVING my more upper area. i got huge and i think my boobs sank and i have more skin on top. yeaaaah. that means i can wear lower cut tops without an undershirt as i no longer have to hide too much cleavage on a general basis. i hate anything near my neck. i prefer deep scouped neck. as it makes me feel cooler. 

not sure if bf had anything to do with my breasts as they are (bf till 8.75 years) no longer that perky and are now droopy. the 'stuffing' is still there just a little lower down which a push up bra helps with. my breasts were much firmer before pregnancy. after dd's birth (we noticed when she was a newborn) they got softer and have never gotten as firm as they were before preg.

i am not sure what 'get back to normal' you mean? sensitivty? sensuality? those are stil there for me v. strongly. i mean i consider my now state to be v. normal as i would when i am 60 and i lose all the 'stuffing' and become more skin. 

honestly though for myself i am done with my body thing. big giggly belly? hanging boobs? thunder thigh? seriously the focus on 'looks' is gone. i am more about making sure i am healthy as my family medical history is prettty crappy. 

when i want to show off close to my previous form - padded push up bra works fine. and i am happy with that. is that what you were meaning?

[CI Mama]

Originally Posted by meemee 

my breast story...

i am LOVING my more upper area. i got huge and i think my boobs sank and i have more skin on top. yeaaaah. that means i can wear lower cut tops without an undershirt as i no longer have to hide too much cleavage on a general basis. i hate anything near my neck. i prefer deep scouped neck. as it makes me feel cooler. 

not sure if bf had anything to do with my breasts as they are (bf till 8.75 years) no longer that perky and are now droopy. the 'stuffing' is still there just a little lower down which a push up bra helps with. my breasts were much firmer before pregnancy. after dd's birth (we noticed when she was a newborn) they got softer and have never gotten as firm as they were before preg.

i am not sure what 'get back to normal' you mean? sensitivty? sensuality? those are stil there for me v. strongly. i mean i consider my now state to be v. normal as i would when i am 60 and i lose all the 'stuffing' and become more skin. 

honestly though for myself i am done with my body thing. big giggly belly? hanging boobs? thunder thigh? seriously the focus on 'looks' is gone. i am more about making sure i am healthy as my family medical history is prettty crappy. 

when i want to show off close to my previous form - padded push up bra works fine. and i am happy with that. is that what you were meaning?

Thanks for sharing!

I guess mostly what I mean by "back to normal" is will they return to their former size and will I fit into my pre-pregnancy bras. I'm also curious how long it will take for my breasts to stop producing milk, which they still seem to do (just a tiny amount, but still). I didn't have much sensitivity in my breasts (from a sex perspective) before I got pregnant and that doesn't seem to have changed. So I'm mostly concerned about how they feel while I'm exercising, dancing, etc.

I notice myself being less focused on looks & more on health. But I still kinda wish my big jiggly belly would shrink! I'm trying to just love it as it is.