Is there a group dedicated for large families?

[3surfboys]

I have a question for mamas of 3 or more - can someone point me in the right direction?

[purplerose]

Just ask :) I have 3 girls and one on the way.

[3surfboys]

thanks purplerose.  I guess I should have added that I'm an older mama, at age 40.  I'm wondering if we're having a mid-life crisis, but dh and I are talking about adding to our family.  My concerns are my age (and related pregnancy concerns), finances, family reactions, and the disappointment dh might feel if we don't have a girl (he seems to care about the gender, while it doesn't matter to me).  I feel I'm fit and healthy and capable of having a normal, healthy pregnancy and birth.  At this point, I think if I made a list of pros and cons - the cons would outweigh the pros, but that's the rational part of my brain talking.  The emotional part wants to "just do it".

I'm feeling so conflicted.

[purplerose]

Oh my goodness LOL I am 34 so not as "advanced" as you. My daughters are 16, 14 and 8. And I'm pregnant. That sort of tells you our similar situations! Neither one of us cares about the sex, and it does indeed look to be a girl again, but we have never cared either way.

Between #2 and #3 I wanted another baby so badly but we were waiting until finances were good enough to go for it. Then it took a year to get pregnant. #3 ended up being extremely high-needs and I decided I would NEVER have another baby. Well a couple of years ago I started getting the urge to get pregnant(and I found out my husband was secretly waffling on wanting it again also but didn't tell me back then lol) but it's such a hard decision to make. Money, age, age of the other kids(I'll have two in college by the time this newest baby is school-aged!) Here we were just starting to have the freedom to go out alone and leave the kids at home, I was sleeping through the night, and I throw it all away to start completely over. And this time it happened with my first cycle LOL If it just happened without us meaning for it to I could just say, "Oh, well..." but actually making the decision to do this was like saying, "We are making the decision to be done going out when we want without sitters, we are done sleeping, we are done keeping the house clean and nice dinners cooked almost everyday." It's hard!

It's only sometimes good to listen to the rational parts of our brains, else we'd never fall in love or be spontaneous. But also we can't always just go and do whatever pops into our heads, either, because that can be catastrophic! I don't know really what to tell you, except we did go through it and both decided Yes. So far I haven't regretted getting pregnant, and the girls are excited to have a baby sibling to babysit and help take care of. I think the best thing for my dh and I is for one of us to get fixed, so that later on if we get baby rabies again we won't be able to dwell on it bc it won't be an option.

[3surfboys]

thankfully, I don't feel "advanced" LOL.  My boys are 10, 8 and 4.  We had decided 3 was it, so of course, I've given away every piece of baby gear imaginable, except for a baby carrier that I thought would survive until grandkids!  Its a bit disconcerting to think of buying things again that I once owned - especially if its boys clothes,  oh all the boys' clothes I've given away! 

Like you, we were getting to the point where we had things "wired" so to speak with raising 3 kids and it was possible to go on adventures like camping, and eat out as a family, and get a babysitter and go on a date every once in while.   Having a newborn would certainly throw us a curveball and while my older boys would try to be helpful, I couldn't really expect much from them. 

Aside from all that, I really think our friends and family would think we have gone nuts!  I'm not sure I'm ready for that.

I wish "the urge" had come a couple years ago - then I might be more ready to go for it.

[purplerose]

Well everyone thought we went nuts also! In fact, to tell the family, I had all the girls wear t-shirts that I made. The youngest's said "I'm gonna be a big sister!" The middle one's said "I'm gonna be a big sister again!" and the 16 year old's said "What was mama thinking?" LOL There were a couple of people (males) who seemed to think it's stupid for us to get pregnant again, but one is about 50 with a teen and a pre-teen and the other is my brother who isn't really into kids. He loves his neices but you know how people are. I got alot of "Was it planned?" and yes it was, though I kind of expected to not be able to get pregnant, especially since it took a year last time and now I'm 9 years older. (and no offense meant with the advanced thing, I wasn't sure how else to word it lol) Also my grandmother pretended to faint, but my mom told me my grandmother called her and was excited.

I can expect more help from my kids bc two are teenagers. If they were as young as yours I'd only expect them to try LOL

And to be honest, we are different from both our families, so I just expect people to expect the unexpected from us :)

Good luck with this, it is NOT an easy decision at all in our situations. I'm very sentimental and still have the crib, walker, baby clothes, some toys, all kinds of stuff dating back to when my 16 year old was born! We have to get a new crib, car seat and diapers, but for the most part we don't need anything. I was actually keeping the clothes to make quilts with, one for each daughter and one for me, but now they're going to be put to use once more. The rest of the stuff wasn't kept to be used, but bc I'm sentimental and can't get rid of things that mean something to me. (and believe me, too many things have meaning lol)

[Peony]

I have 3 and am due next month with #4. My kids are 8, 4, and 2, so we weren't out of the baby stage yet. My youngest is quite independent compared to my older two and I was experiencing some freedom for the first time in years, getting to go out every now and then. Sigh, guess in a few more years I'll get that again! I really went back and forth about the 4th, DH felt done, I could make the lists and find all the reasons why we shouldn't. And honestly I don't know what we would of decided if it had been left up to us, this baby was one of those that was meant to be here so I didn't have the make the actual choice.  We were deep in debates about deciding on way or the other when I discovered I was pg. The 4th just seemed more optional to me then the others had and obviously by now we knew just how expensive the kids could be! My biggest sticking point when we were debating was I felt that if I didn't have a 4th then I would always regret it.

Family reactions have been interesting to say the least. No one seems to be excited at all, not the grandparents, even my 8y was like "Really Mom? Again?" We had two girls and then a boy so we do have all the genders accounted more already. Finances... yep, is going to certainly be more. With a 4th we will officially have outgrown our house, it was marginal previously. I never got comments about 3 children, it is quite common in my area, not the case with 4. As soon as I was obviously pg, I have heard all sorts of comments, eye rolling, stares. I wasn't prepared for that. 

[purplerose]

I'm sorry people respond so negatively! That makes me feel sad. We at least had people pretend to be excited, both family and friends. Even my mother was happy. The thing is, 3 and 4 do seem boring to people...you're not new parents, you've done all this before, it's just not new and exciting anymore to most people. I'm not actually friends with or related to families with more kids than me but I do always try to seem excited. Even the surprise babies are a joy! I can't imagine people's own parents/grandparents poo-pooing a new pregnancy.

Now when I got pregnant with #2 it was a REALLY BAD time, I won't get into my circumstances but let's say I was young and stupid, and was single again with #2. People definately weren't happy with me so I got to feel all the guilt of "sinning" and doing it all again like with #1. I do not regret any of my children and they have all been a joy and I got over those negative feelings(and I was happy to be having her but I guess guilty at the same time)

[3surfboys]

yeah, I would have some friends that would be excited, especially my 43 yo friend who just had a baby - but in my immediate family, I have a 25yo niece who is 15 weeks pregnant (she's happily married) and I fear that family would think I'm trying to get some attention or something.. crazy I know, but it would be hard to be the 40yo pregnant aunt (who already has 3 wild children) at the same time as my beautiful, young niece experiencing her first pregnancy and all the excitement that goes along with it.

I didn't mention it in my original post, but we just suffered an early loss of a surprise baby, which brought on the "midlife crisis" in the first place.  We are trying to sort through our feelings and see if we really want to purposefully bring #4 in the world or if we were just starting to get excited about the curveball that was thrown to us.

[OkiMom]

3Surf, if you really want to don't allow your family's possible reactions to stop you! When I got pregnant with DS (my third) I announced it right away and a week later my SIL announced she was pregnant. All of a sudden I was trying "to steal the spotlight" and I "already had my turn". It got worse when we both found out within a week of each other that we were both having boys, then I was "copying her" and "can't let someone else have a turn being important" etc etc etc. I just ignored it and went on my way. How was I to know that my SIL (who's not married and had just gotten into a new relationship after separating less than a month before the announcement) was going to get pregnant and even if I did I wouldn't change anything.

You won't regret trying for the baby no matter the families reactions, you might just regret NOT trying if you don't.

[phathui5]

My goodness! That's ridiculous.

Originally Posted by OkiMom 

3Surf, if you really want to don't allow your family's possible reactions to stop you! When I got pregnant with DS (my third) I announced it right away and a week later my SIL announced she was pregnant. All of a sudden I was trying "to steal the spotlight" and I "already had my turn". It got worse when we both found out within a week of each other that we were both having boys, then I was "copying her" and "can't let someone else have a turn being important" etc etc etc. I just ignored it and went on my way. How was I to know that my SIL (who's not married and had just gotten into a new relationship after separating less than a month before the announcement) was going to get pregnant and even if I did I wouldn't change anything.

You won't regret trying for the baby no matter the families reactions, you might just regret NOT trying if you don't.