Very confused

[CarlyPar]

Recently my husband and I went on vacation to the carribean, our first in ten years. We left my adopted 18 year old son and our 19 year old daughter at home so my husband and I could get some "us" time. Well due to an unfortunate case of food poisoning we had to cut the trip short by a couple days and fly home. It had mostly cleared up by the time we got back into town so my husband went over to a friends from the airport while I continued home. The first thing I noticed when I opened the front door was the loud "techno" music and pervasive smell of marijuana. I sighed thinking, "Great, the kids are having a party." I only wish that had been the case. I walked into the living room and there were my adopted son and my biological daughter having sex on the couch. I must have gasped or made a noise because they both looked up horrified at me and quickly covered themselves. I was so stunned I couldn't even say anything and just turned and walked back out the door to my car. This happened two hours ago and I don't know what to do.

[sesa70]

wow... what a tough situation to walk in on. Can I ask how old your son was when he joined your family? Have you had any suspicions of this kind of behavior before?

I definitely think that some counseling in in order for both of them (maybe together?) but I don't know what else to suggest. Hopefully some other posters will have better suggestions for you!

[CarlyPar]

We adopted him when he was 10. And no there was never any suspicion of anything like this going on before this, they just seemed really close.

[tarajean56]

That is a really upsetting thing to walk in on and see with your own eyes.  My sympathies are with you.

I hope you can get some understanding of this situation.

Have you spoken with them yet?  Have you told your husband?

[Diane B]

I notice that you are a new member - perhaps you googled and found this forum. Honestly, I'm not sure this forum is the best place to get immediate and useful help.  Most of us that post here regularly have much younger children, in the first place.  In the second place, I don't think adoption is the primary issue at the moment.

You really need some serious professional help, asap. Many places now you can dial 2-1-1 and get referrals. Perhaps the agency you worked with might have suggestions as well. Your county may have a crisis intervention service of some kind too.

Best wishes -

[MMJ8S]

That had to be a serious shock to walk into. But breathe...you stated that there was a smell of marijuana. Let's assume that they were very high at the time. That could explain a little of it. And who knows, maybe they don't have that "sibling" feeling...that is all I have. Sorry. Hope it gets all settled.

[Chris Elias28]

Hi Carly,

We have an "Ask the Experts" Forum on MDC. Marcy Axness is our Ph.D expert on the following:

Areas of expertise: Adoption (emotional, developmental and spiritual issues), prenatal parenting, parenting for peace

Marcy Axness, Ph.D., is a leading authority in the fields of early human development, adoption, prenatal psychology, and interpersonal neurobiology.  Using as a narrative foundation her experiences as an adoptee and a mother, she is a popular writer and speaker internationally on parenting, society, and the needs of children.  One of the world’s few experts in the primal issues in adoption, Dr. Axness teaches prenatal development at the graduate level and has a private practice counseling parents and “pre-parents.”  She is the author of the upcoming book Parenting for Peace: Raising the Next Generation of Peacemakers (Oct. 2011). She considers that her greatest qualification is also her greatest blessing—being the mother of Ian, 24 and Eve, 20.

You can go to her Ask the Experts Adoption Forum here: http://www.mothering.com/community/forum/list/16917/marcy-axness

Or send her a private message by accessing her profile here:

http://www.mothering.com/community/user/marcy+axness

I agree with the previous post, breathe.  Children often experiment with those they feel close and safe with.  This is much more common than people think.

I wish you all the best.  

Chris

[kama'aina mama]

You might want to read about Westermarck Effect.  (Yeah, it's wiki, but it's a start!) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Imprinting_%28psychology%29#Westermarck_effect

It is highly likely that your two kids don't quite feel like siblings the way kids who are together from a very young age do.  I think you need to try not to make them feel horrible and figure out a way for the family to process this situation without damaging them, emotionally.