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Help Me Sort This Out, Please?

post #1 of 8
Thread Starter 

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Edited by BabyMae09 - 8/2/11 at 2:12pm
post #2 of 8

hug2.gif  no judging here -- I think life is complicated and often messy. Buddha said that life is suffering. Everybody goes through difficult things, every one makes mistakes.  At one point you question your sanity, and I don't think you sounds nuts. I think you sound overwhelmed and confused.

 

I'll tell you what I see if your post in a minute, but first I'll tell you what I don't see.

 

Never once do you say you love your husband. You don't list a specific positive trait he has, or say what you miss about him. From your post, it sounds like the primary reason you want to get back together is:
 

<< I've been 'enjoying my freedom' for the past few months, and it's led to nothing but heartache and drama. I've realized that I don't want to be single again. >>

 

From your post, it sounds like the primary reason you want to be in your marriage again is to avoid the heartache and drama of dating. This isn't a reason to be in a committed relationship with anyone.

 

You can opt out of the heartache and drama of dating without getting married, and I personally would advise you do so at least briefly. Let your head settle. The overwhelming feelings and confusion may disapate if you just give yourself a little time to just breathe.

 

Now for the things I see:

 

1. I see you owning your own mistakes in your marriage. I think that is commendable. Reading between the lines, I get the feeling that you understand that you need to be different to have a successful relationship with any one. Sometimes knowing we need to be different and getting to the point of actually being different takes time and effort, and I think that focusing on your own personal growth would be lead to greater happiness for you later, whatever you decide to do about your husband. 

 

2. When you speak of the other man, you use present tense. It sounds like you currently have feelings for each other. I don't believe that it's a good idea to get into (or back into) a committed relationship with one person while you still have ANY feelings for some one else. Just not sleeping with the guy isn't enough, as long as you have feelings for him, taking any other relationship to the next level may end up deeply hurting some one.

 

You don't have to do ANY THING right now. You don't have to decide what to do about your husband, or the other guy. You can just take a pause. 

 

<<If I choose to try to save my marriage, what steps could I take to communicate better with him, and help him to be able to tell me how he feels about things?>>

 

if you choose to try to save your marriage, I recommend extensive relationship counseling before deciding to co-habitate together again. I don't mean a week or two, but 6-12 months before living together again. You guys have serious issues, and he deserves the whole truth from you before pledging the rest of his life to you. You aren't ready to tell him that right now, and jumping straight to it could completely overwhelm him. Moving back in with him without letting him know  the truth is basing the rest of your lives on a lie.

 

I don't think there is a right answer and a wrong answer for you. I think there are just different paths, and which one you will pick will determine what difficult things and what good things come your way. But any path you choose will have difficult thing and good things.

 

I also don't think you need to figure this out right now. You can take some time and just breathe.

 

Peace

post #3 of 8
Linda gives great advice smile.gif


Personally, I believe that not telling your husband that you were intimate with his friend is a bad idea. Think about how crushed he would be if he found out from someone else. And agreeing with Linda, I dont think it is good to get back into a relationship with your husband if you have feelings for someone else.

I think you need to take some time for yourself, to figure this all out and see where you want to be.
post #4 of 8
Quote:
Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama View Post

Linda gives great advice smile.gif


Personally, I believe that not telling your husband that you were intimate with his friend is a bad idea. Think about how crushed he would be if he found out from someone else. And agreeing with Linda, I dont think it is good to get back into a relationship with your husband if you have feelings for someone else.

I think you need to take some time for yourself, to figure this all out and see where you want to be.

 

 

Yep to all of this.

 

I read your post as................you want to be with the friend, but you feel obligated to your dh, right?  There is no right answer, or wrong answer.  There is just YOUR answer, which only you can figure out. 
 

 

post #5 of 8


Quote:

Originally Posted by BabyMae09 View Post
I'm worried that my DH will find out about it someday and it will cause another rift.

Just a little advice, posting it on the internet is not the best way to keep it a secret.

post #6 of 8
Thread Starter 

Thanks for all of this.

 

I do love him, tons. I'm wondering if I just don't have a realistic view of how long term relationships are supposed to look and feel. For example, I know that if his friend and I got together, life wouldn't be perfect. Everyone has 'flaws' and personality traits that are eventually going to annoy their partner.

 

I think I'm finding it hard to judge whether we just went through some hard stuff and need to recover, or if we never connected well to begin with. I also know that I have a penchant for drama (which I do not like about myself, and am trying to change). I realized today that the reason I seem to thrive on drama sometimes is because there was so much of it when I was growing up. It's what I'm used to.

 

I think you're totally right about working on myself, which is what I'm trying to do.

 

On another note, the reason I wouldn't tell him is because it happened when we were broken up, and there's no point in hurting him. It's in the past. Agree or not, that's how I feel about it.

 


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post

hug2.gif  no judging here -- I think life is complicated and often messy. Buddha said that life is suffering. Everybody goes through difficult things, every one makes mistakes.  At one point you question your sanity, and I don't think you sounds nuts. I think you sound overwhelmed and confused.

 

I'll tell you what I see if your post in a minute, but first I'll tell you what I don't see.

 

Never once do you say you love your husband. You don't list a specific positive trait he has, or say what you miss about him. From your post, it sounds like the primary reason you want to get back together is:
 

<< I've been 'enjoying my freedom' for the past few months, and it's led to nothing but heartache and drama. I've realized that I don't want to be single again. >>

 

From your post, it sounds like the primary reason you want to be in your marriage again is to avoid the heartache and drama of dating. This isn't a reason to be in a committed relationship with anyone.

 

You can opt out of the heartache and drama of dating without getting married, and I personally would advise you do so at least briefly. Let your head settle. The overwhelming feelings and confusion may disapate if you just give yourself a little time to just breathe.

 

Now for the things I see:

 

1. I see you owning your own mistakes in your marriage. I think that is commendable. Reading between the lines, I get the feeling that you understand that you need to be different to have a successful relationship with any one. Sometimes knowing we need to be different and getting to the point of actually being different takes time and effort, and I think that focusing on your own personal growth would be lead to greater happiness for you later, whatever you decide to do about your husband. 

 

2. When you speak of the other man, you use present tense. It sounds like you currently have feelings for each other. I don't believe that it's a good idea to get into (or back into) a committed relationship with one person while you still have ANY feelings for some one else. Just not sleeping with the guy isn't enough, as long as you have feelings for him, taking any other relationship to the next level may end up deeply hurting some one.

 

You don't have to do ANY THING right now. You don't have to decide what to do about your husband, or the other guy. You can just take a pause. 

 

<<If I choose to try to save my marriage, what steps could I take to communicate better with him, and help him to be able to tell me how he feels about things?>>

 

if you choose to try to save your marriage, I recommend extensive relationship counseling before deciding to co-habitate together again. I don't mean a week or two, but 6-12 months before living together again. You guys have serious issues, and he deserves the whole truth from you before pledging the rest of his life to you. You aren't ready to tell him that right now, and jumping straight to it could completely overwhelm him. Moving back in with him without letting him know  the truth is basing the rest of your lives on a lie.

 

I don't think there is a right answer and a wrong answer for you. I think there are just different paths, and which one you will pick will determine what difficult things and what good things come your way. But any path you choose will have difficult thing and good things.

 

I also don't think you need to figure this out right now. You can take some time and just breathe.

 

Peace



 

post #7 of 8


I feel you have a lot of self insight!  (see quote below)  I found myself wondering how old you are because you are sharp, self-insightful but say you don't really have a sense on how committed relationships work.  And that takes time and experience and a lot of blunders.  It almost sounds like you are in your twenties ?  Anyway ... all this will get easier over the next couple of decades ... 

 

Anyway, I concur with the other ladies ... take time to really figure out what you want, don't jump into anything.  And you sure have a good head on your shoulders.

 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by BabyMae09 View Post

 

 

I think I'm finding it hard to judge whether we just went through some hard stuff and need to recover, or if we never connected well to begin with. I also know that I have a penchant for drama (which I do not like about myself, and am trying to change). I realized today that the reason I seem to thrive on drama sometimes is because there was so much of it when I was growing up. It's what I'm used to.

post #8 of 8


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by BabyMae09 View Post

I do love him, tons. I'm wondering if I just don't have a realistic view of how long term relationships are supposed to look and feel.

 

There are healthy long term relationships, and not so healthy long term relationships. To me,  a healthy relationship includes trust, honesty, and open communication. Here's a quote from your first post:

 

Here's the thing about DH - he's really, really private. He hardly ever talks about how things make him feel, including big life situations. And he judges my reactions and feelings about things. I don't think he means to, but I am very rarely fully honest with him about anything, because I don't feel safe talking with him.

 

Its a red flag. And until you guys are past that, you don't have anything to build a happy marriage on. What I said about 6-12 months of weekly relationship counseling before living together again, I stand by. You rushed it last time, don't make the same mistake twice.

 

It you guys are both willing to do the work, you could get there. My DH and I used to be all screwed up. I figure that if we can do, any body can. thumb.gif

 

But to get there, you'll need to take your time and do a lot of work together. He needs to be willing to do the work, too. Or you will be deciding to spend the rest of your life with someone you aren't honest with because he doesn't feel safe.

 

(If you no longer have any feelings at all for the other man -- you never fantasize about him, you never imagine talking to him, you don't wonder what life would be like with him -- then I agree he is in the past. Whether or not you tell your DH is a side issue.  But if he isn't in the past, then he isn't in the past. He is part of your present, even if he is just in your head)

 

 


 

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