How do you decide what path is best?

[MunchiesMom]

DS is 3 and I guess you could say we've been homeschooling preschool. He's enjoyed a lot of hands on learning, educational experiences, letter of the week and has mastered his ABCs, letter sounds and is starting to spell a few words. I'm a SAHM and DH and I have enjoyed being very hands on with him. I love being with him everyday and kind of dread the school years because I want to be with him as much as I can and I want to be the one to teach him.

DH is very mainstream and I struggled to convince him DS doesn't "need" preschool at a 3YO. But DH is insistant on sending him at 4 and scauffs at the suggestion of me homeschooling DS beyond age 3. He wants to send DS to the public school because that's what he did and everyone he knows did, and he honestly hasn't researched the pros and cons one bit!

I've ben trying to feel out the education options and DS and have come up with the following...

1. Homeschool age 3, 4 or beyond
2. 3 - 5 days a week half day preschool through the public school district
3. 5 days a week half or full day Montessori preschool
4. Half or full day kindergarten in public school
5. Full day Montessori kindergarten

I'm so torn on what would be the best environment for DS. I like the philosophy and nutrition the Montessori school could provide. I feel like the families share more of the values we have and the snaare are healthier. I dislike that there are no 3-day a week preschool and no part-time kindergarten options. And, if I want him in Montessori he needs to start in preschool or he may never get in.

I like that the public school offers preschool just 3 days a week and they offer 1/2 day kindergarten. However something majorly turns me off about the public school. Maybe it's the garbage they serve as a snack for preschool. Maybe it's that the majority of the families are wealthy here and the rat race.to have the newest bike, most expensive shoes, and enroll in all major sports starts at the ripe young age of 3.

I don't know... how did you all decided what was best for your children when it came to academics? How do you make a.decision when nothing feels 100% right in your gut?

[kathymuggle]

Originally Posted by MunchiesMom 
. He wants to send DS to the public school because that's what he did and everyone he knows did, and he honestly hasn't researched the pros and cons one bit!
 

On any topic (not just schooling) - people who do not research do not get as much of a say.

If you are reasonably sure he will not get into Montessori if you try later on and reasonably sure you are going a brick and mortar route, I would start with Montessori.

I think for many of us NO answer is ever going to feel 100% perfect.  Weight the pros and cons, trust your gut and pick one. Things can be changed as you go along if they do not work out.

[Linda on the move]

We made our choices one year at a time, based on what we thought was best for each child and our current options. My kids haven't always done the same thing as each other.

Rather than looking at public school as a megalith, just check out the preschool program he would be in next year and decide if it seems appropriate for him. Nothing more. Not the other parents, not the K program -- nothing but just what he would be doing next year.

(we had a really good public school experience with caring teachers. We met some VERY nice families)

For some kids, Montessori is fabulous, for other kids it just doesn't suit their learning style. Montessori schools are all over the board in how much they really follow the philosophy, too. You might post some specific questions on the Montessori board. I believe there are moms there who could tell you what to look for, or how it works out for kids who decide to enter later.  (we've never done Montessori, but I think it looks cool)

My kids are now 13 and 14, and there's no way I could have planned out their educations when they were 3. Very few parents who make mindful parenting choices are doing during the teen years what they planned on when their oldest was 3.  If you parent the child you have in front of you, you need up rolling with the punches a bit. You try something, it sorta works, you tweak it, you try something else.

There are pros and cons to any path, and you can't see that much of the path from where you are standing right now, so really, it only makes sense to figure out the next step.

[ALittleBitCrunchy]

We look at it every year. So far, DS did K and 1st homeschooled, 2nd started with homeschool, then virtual school and finished in the public school, 3rd was public and 4th will be, as well. We did consider a semi-local private school but couldn't manage the schedule. DD was homeschooled for K, then public school to start 1st with a transition to virtual school for 2nd semester. She's trying public school again this fall for 2nd grade. They get a very large say in their education and I predict that DS will stay in public or private school long-term...but you never know :)  I think DD may go back and forth between home and public/private over the years. And, to be honest, at 3 I never expected them to be doing anyting but the local school...what's right can change anytime. Figure out what seems like the best choice for right now. Next year is a new decision and things may be completely different than what you expected and the same decision may still work, or you can go another route. My advice - only worry about this fall and handle the rest as it comes!

[LynnS6]

We've taken a relatively traditional route -- partly because I WOH and it's not practical to homeschool the kids. It's theoretically possible because dh works from home, but given our personalities, our kids' personalities and our work needs, it's not a good fit.

That being said, we, too, evaluate regularly to see what's the best fit for our kids. We also are in pretty close contact with the schools. Both kids did K at the Reggio Emilia inspired daycare that my kids attended instead of public school. But the reasons behind that were very different. Ds needed an extra year in a 'safe' environment with familiar children and familiar routines. He's got a late April b-day, isn't the most socially advanced kid, and just needed more time to mature socially. Dd needed a full day K to keep her very active mind and social side engaged. 2 1/2 hours of K would not have been enough for her.

Both are fine now in public school. We'll see what happens next year --  dd is the one I'm worried about since I'm not sure they'll be able to meet her needs going forward. But we have a plan going into the year and we'll see.

For you, your son is a very young 3 right now. Many 3 year olds don't need (or do well in) preschool. Many do. If you aren't feeling a strong need to put him in preschool, I wouldn't. This may change by the end of the year. 3 1/2 can be a notoriously difficult age, and some children really begin seeking out other children to play with. If you're part of groups or activities that give him the socialization he needs, or if he has a lower need for socialization, he may not need or want preschool next year either.

In terms of the schooling options, my best advice is to visit the schools and talk to the teachers. That's as important as research about different schooling forms. Talk to other parents who have children who attend there. Talk to other parents who have had children attend there (and moved on). Parents who are at a school often have a vested interest in believing everything is great when it's not. If all you know about the schools is what the serve for snacks, that's honestly not a very good reason to choose one vs. the other. Many parents in our neighborhood opt out of our public school based solely on its 'reputation'. No matter that this reputation is 20 years old and no longer valid. If they visit the school, talk to the teachers and parents and see what it's like and then say "no", I'll accept it. But it ticks me off when they write off our school without any real research.

Also, be very discerning about research -- it's almost impossible to compare research on public schools with research on homeschools because the two populations aren't comparable -- all the kids are included at the public schools. Only the parents who choose to participate are included in the public school research. It's well known in social science research that there's a distinct bias for people who choose to be part of a study -- they're not like the general population. That doesn't mean that homeschooling isn't good or can't be right for you, but do know that there can be issues with homeschooling, just like there can be with public schooling or private schooling. You need to go into each type of experience with your eyes open and looking at whether it's working for your child and for you.

Finally, as far as the 'wealthy' parent thing goes -- do you really expect that to be better in Montessori? My experience (and it is only my experience) that issues of money and 'keeping up with the neighbors' increase, not decrease, with private schooling. It's not true for all private schools, but children who go to private schools are often wealthier. Depending on how much the school costs (private schools around here run from ~$4,000 a year for religious schools to $24,000 a year for the really high end ones), it will be more or less of an issue. How many poor kids go to these schools? How many go to the public school?

[lauren]

I agree with the others to take it one year at a time and to go and observe in all the settings you have available to you. Also look carefully at what type of 'learner' your child is. Usually your child will help you figure it out. For example, my firstborn made it very clear that he would learn better from others than from my dh or I. It's just the way he works. It's still true and he is 16 now. Each of our children are so different and they have needed different things.

It's hard when you've been with your little one so much, to consider schooling. Examine all your options. Your partner's voice counts as well. Go together to observe. Talk to other parents who use these schools. I'm guessing if you really look you can find some like minded parents. Your impressions may only be correct for the parents that are highly 'visible.'

[whatsnextmom]

Like others have said, you can't plan too far in the future because kids grow and change. What seems appropriate this year  might be totally innapropriate the next.

I admit, I don't really get the notion of "homeschooling" a 3 or 4-year-old. They learn through play and so if they are home, they play, they go places, they read stories, they help around the house and thus learn. My DD went to 1 year of preschool and that was right for her. DS went for 2 and that was right for him. Both went to play-based schools where they could do puzzles and write if they wanted but they could also just spend day after day at the sand table if that is all they wanted too. I used to teach preschool and I'll tell you, it's great for certain kids but it's really not a neccessity for a child with involved parents.

Personally, we've had excellent experiences with public school and my kids are in 6th and 10th grades now. We've taken veered off many times from the origional path we started on and it's all been good. Have my kids been exposed to ideas and beliefs we don't agree with? Of course. That is life. However, going to school with meat eaters didn't make them turn away from vegetarianism. Going with kids of different religious beliefs didn't make them reject our own. Coming across a bully didn't turn them into jerks. Yes, they have some incredibly wealthy friends. They also have poor friends who still have more stuff than they do. However, an entilement attitude didn't rub off on them (for those that had it.) Remember, just because your child is in school doesn't mean you aren't the one to teach them. You are still number one when it comes to character development. It's still your job to help them discover and pursue their pasisons. It's still you introducing them to new places, new ideas.

Whatever your choice, it's not permanent. If you try something and it doesn't work, well, try something else!

[Linda on the move]

I've already responded but I had a second thought about two assumptions you are making that I don't think are true:

Originally Posted by MunchiesMom 
 And, if I want him in Montessori he needs to start in preschool or he may never get in.
.... Maybe it's that the majority of the families are wealthy here and the rat race.to have the newest bike, most expensive shoes, and enroll in all major sports starts at the ripe young age of 3.
 

First, most private schools around the country are hurting. Enrollments are down because of the economy. Some have shut their doors, and many aren't replacing staff when they leave. Even if the school's preference is to not let kids in later, I doubt if they can stick to that policy right now if you have the money to pay the tuition.

Second, public school parents are a VERY diverse group, even in a wealthy neighborhood. Your stereotype is just that -- its' a stereotype. It's no more true than a stereotype of what private school parents are like, or homeschooling parents. It's just your stereotype -- your hang up. It's not real. It doesn't represent everybody. 

Neither of these things are, IMHO, a reason to make your decision.

[meetoo]

I wouldn't considered preschool age to be homeschooling. If you really aren't ready to let him go, does your husband agree to keeping him home until the start of K? kids really do not need preschool if they have involved parents.. If your husband is dead set on him going to preschool I think you really need to tour them and pick the one that seems to suit him best. :) 

[ollyoxenfree]

Research all the alternatives, speak with other parents about local choices, visit as many options as you can, absolutely do all of this..... but I think there is a perfectionism that creates an insidious dissatisfaction and unhappiness for parents making choices for their children. Parents want the best for their children, naturally, but they sometimes become unrealistic in their expectations. There's a persistent worry that things could be better and their children are somehow not maximizing their potential or suffering some unknown harm. It undermines creating a positive relationship between the school (or other group - sports clubs, recreational groups, etc.) and the family. The odd thing is that a less-than-perfect situation can be a great opportunity for growth and maturation, as a child learns to solve problems and overcome obstacles. Parents should seek out the most suitable environments for their children and certainly no one should tolerate an inappropriate mismatch or truly bad situation. I would just advocate maintaining healthy levels of positive attitude and pragmatism once you've made a choice. 

That research and weighing alternatives includes homeschool, btw. If your DH has misconceptions about it, he may just need to get familiar with homeschooling. Are there other homeschooling families or a homeschooling co-op or social network in your area? Perhaps if he gets to know a few families who are homeschooling, it won't seem like such an exceptional, out-there choice to him. If he's willing to do some reading, there are good books on the subject. Probably the most persuasive argument, though, is meeting homeschoolers and learning whether it's a lifestyle that he wants to explore. 

Of the choices you've listed, I can't choose for your family. For our family, we chose Montessori for pre-school and then public school for a few years and then homeschooled a little and then back to public school and then homeschooled again and then special selective program for one child and then for the other child......  We've been mostly happy with the choices we've made. There were some hugely positive things about each of them and a few challenges that we managed along the way. 

[Coral123]

I would definitely talk to other parents in your area.

I'm not sure that at this point I would be too focused about the kindergarten choices.

Like another poster said, I'd be careful not to stereotype what families may or may not be like in a given setting.

Ultimately though, once you make your choice it is still  a bit of gamble. 

[lindberg99]

Have you talked to the Montessori about just sending her 3 days a week for preschool? They might not give you any tuition break but they may be open to it. For the public school, have you asked if you can send in a snack for your son? You could always cite "dietary restrictions". I know some preschools have pretty strict regulations about food so they might not allow you to do that but it doesn't hurt to ask.

I'm kind of LOL'ing at your stereotype that Montessori kids aren't in sports, etc. It sure isn't like that here! One of my acquaintances sends his DD to Montessori. During the winter when she was in 2nd grade, she was simultaneously involved in swim team, Girl Scouts, ballet (including being in The Nutcracker), gymnastics, and a weekly afterschool program at church. When she wasn't swimming, she either played soccer or softball. 

Good luck figuring it all out. I think one good thing to keep in mind is this isn't forever. It's not like if you choose one or the other, you are locked into it forever. 

[_ktg_]

As many others have stated - I think both you & your partner need to do the research on all the options available to you in your district.  My DS1 just finished with k4 (all day) this year at a language immersion school (run by the PS district), but we looked at a variety of other offerings including some of the regular public school (english only) and the district run montessori schools along with homeschooling (which would be done by DH since I WOH).  

For our research - we visited the schools, talked with some of the teachers, got an idea about expectations and often times it changed our preconceived notions of what might occur.  A great example was the snacks served in our school - they actively discouraged candy, cookies etc. and all the classrooms had mini-fridges which would be able to hold fruit or string cheeses and encouraged parents with a suggested list (which also addressed any class allergies). 

Also you indicated you want to teach your child and have them learn from you, and from my experience, trust me this will still need to occur despite attending school or whatever you choose.  Finally - the decision is never a permanent one, and will probably change depending upon the needs of your child.     Good luck and just be open to whatever you find

[MunchiesMom]

My question was full of half thoughts and stereotypes because I haven't processes out what it is that bothers me!

I know children is all academic settings have extra curricular actives. I know the public high school would include children from all income levels. The public elementary however is not diverse - in income or ethnicity.

I like the suggestion of playing it by ear and following his lead as he grows and his needs change. And I will definitely visit the schools This year.

[lauren]

Originally Posted by meetoo 

I wouldn't considered preschool age to be homeschooling. If you really aren't ready to let him go, does your husband agree to keeping him home until the start of K? kids really do not need preschool if they have involved parents.. If your husband is dead set on him going to preschool I think you really need to tour them and pick the one that seems to suit him best. :) 

I think there are some kids that do need preschool. There are also lots of kids that don't need preschool. Some children with intense temperaments need more practice being in groups successfully.

[MunchiesMom]

I must have hit a hot button topic. We are all very passionate about our children's education and it beautiful to see so many caring, compassionate parents.

I'm a little undecided if I can cal what I'm doing "homeschooling preschool." As WhatsNextMom said "They learn through play and so if they are home, they play, they go places, they read stories, they help around the house and thus learn." This is true., however a lot of parents don't take time to teach and explain, or even expose their children to the wonders of life. When I cook, DS helps me. When he cracks the egg, we talk about chickens Then read a book about baby chicks hatching. We go to the farm and pick raspberries, then talk about Where food cones from, how while foods can help you grow, and the supply chain of farnm to grocery store. While I'd like to think most parents of toddlers do this, many may not.and we're going beyond this using rearranged topics, and working on specific skills.

Maybe my original question should have been "regardless of the educational path you chose for your child (public, Montessori, HS, whatever) what sealed the deal fr you with that choices?"

[whatsnextmom]

Originally Posted by MunchiesMom 

I must have hit a hot button topic. We are all very passionate about our children's education and it beautiful to see so many caring, compassionate parents.

I'm a little undecided if I can cal what I'm doing "homeschooling preschool." As WhatsNextMom said "They learn through play and so if they are home, they play, they go places, they read stories, they help around the house and thus learn." This is true., however a lot of parents don't take time to teach and explain, or even expose their children to the wonders of life. When I cook, DS helps me. When he cracks the egg, we talk about chickens Then read a book about baby chicks hatching. We go to the farm and pick raspberries, then talk about Where food cones from, how while foods can help you grow, and the supply chain of farnm to grocery store. While I'd like to think most parents of toddlers do this, many may not.and we're going beyond this using rearranged topics, and working on specific skills.

Maybe my original question should have been "regardless of the educational path you chose for your child (public, Montessori, HS, whatever) what sealed the deal fr you with that choices?"

I guess we'll just have different opinions. What you describe as homeschooling a preschooler just sounds like normal life and honestly, I believe that most parents provide this... at least in our area. There were a few families who were less involved in the preschools I taught at but we specialized in disadvantaged children whose parents were struggling just to give their kids the bare essentials. Still, even most of those kids could tell you about all about eggs. Anyway, I don't want to make you feel bad about your plan. That's not my intention. It's just become popular to call having a 3 or 4-year-old at home as homeschooling as opposed to simply not being in daycare. I just don't believe we need to use the term homeschooling for this age range. It gives the impression that children need to be led or structured into learning and they don't. It gives the idea that kids need more "school" and really they don't. Toddlers are the most curious of creatures and they do nothing but seek the information they need and want.

Hmm, what "sealed the deal" for us on educational choices. My kids are 10 and 14 so there have been many choices and reasons we made them. I can try to simply each.

My DD started kindergarten very advanced... 2 to 5 grade levels all around. What made us stay with our local public school was their willingness to work with us on giving DD an appropriate education at her level and at her pace. None of the private nor specialty publics would offer the flexibility and accomodations that this school would. DD did not want to homeschool and frankly, it would have been a poor fit for us personality wise. Middle was pretty much the same... the school we stayed with was the one that continued her accomodations. High school was DD's choice and she's deciding to stick with it because she likes it there.

We knew that we wanted DS to have an "uncomparable" education from DD. DS is just as smart (they test in the same percentile) but he's  also learning disabled and never as secure in his abilities even though he's quite advanced as well. We were able to procure him a place in a new local tri-lingual public school which opened when he was in kindergarten (same district as DD's school.) It was such a good fit, they accomodated his needs and so we stayed. We are looking at some changes in the next couple years. There is a high school that seems custom made for him but it's difficult to get in. We will start doing the lottery next year and he'll move whenever (if ever) he gets in even if it means pulling him from his quality middle school.

What sealed every choice we've made has been the success of such choices for our children. If they thrived, we kept it. If they stopped, we changed it.

Edited by whatsnextmom - 7/19/11 at 7:14am

[lauren]

One of the deal sealers for me in using public education--- the theme based education. The first week of kindergarten my son went out into the field to paint sunflowers 'however' you see them. In gym class they pretended to 'be' sunflowers. Then there was a China unit in which the whole school participated and turned one of the hallways into the Great Wall. Art, music, classwork, everyone was learning about China. These are just a couple of examples that for me made me feel really good about our school.

It is not a rich school. It is rural and not large.

Interestingly, No Child Left Behind has put a big dent in theme based education along with budget cuts. So the curriculum is less rich (lower quality) than it was before all the 'improvements!' I am hoping to help the school do something about this. But teachers say they don't have enough time now to plan across disciplines to integrate a theme.

[ollyoxenfree]

At the age of your child, what sealed the deal for us was realizing that the Montessori school was the best environment to suit our DS, after we visited several pre-schools and daycares in our area.

-We liked the bright, cheery classrooms, constructed and equipped to adjust for the smaller size of children.

-We liked the emphasis on outdoor play everyday, regardless of weather.

-We liked the administration and the teachers who were so attuned to the students and so respectful of them. We liked the encouragement to be independent and the attitude that children are capable and competent.

- The method and materials made sense to us. The extended work cycle to develop focus; the different work areas to develop practical life skills as well as academic skills; the discovery model that allows children to explore and learn from the materials; the carefully developed materials that engage children in play as well as teach them

- The atmosphere in the classroom between the students, who are encouraged to respect and care for each other and demonstrate tolerance and kindness     

In contrast, the other pre-schools and daycares that we visited did not compare favourably for our preferences and DS's needs. There was less outdoor play, less organization in the classrooms, and a tendency to undermine the children's attempts at independence (eg. impatiently zipping up jackets rather than letting the child struggle for a few seconds to do it themselves). Having said that, DS wanted to attend a public kindergarten for half-days when he was at the cut-off age and we let him go and he enjoyed it there, partly because it was a new experience in a very different atmosphere than he was used to for school. 

I'd also say that the Montessori had some of the drawbacks you've mentioned about your public school. The families were fairly comfortable, even wealthy. The kids enjoyed a lot of material things - bikes and game boys and tamagotchis (it was the 90s!) and overseas vacations. At the time, I was a student myself and then a new grad in an entry level position, so we couldn't keep up if we wanted to (for the most part we didn't want to - a beach vacation would have been nice). But DS's classmates were also sweet and kind kids from diverse backgrounds. I'm not sure we could have avoided the material wealth thing, unless we searched for a pre-school outside of our neighbourhood. Honestly, we had more class/income issues years later at a different school, when we were the ones with a little more disposable income compared to many of the other families. I think there's a lot that could be said about socioeconomic disparities within schools, but it would need it's own thread. I guess I would just say that it's important to be comfortable with your own situation, whatever it is, and be confident about your choices regarding material goods while remaining tolerant and respectful of others'. 

Edited by ollyoxenfree - 7/19/11 at 5:41am

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by lauren 
I think there are some kids that do need preschool. There are also lots of kids that don't need preschool. Some children with intense temperaments need more practice being in groups successfully.

I agree with this statement 100%. Some kids are really best off with preschool, for some kids it doesn't really matter. There are lots of reasons why preschool may be best. Some others are:

1. Child has some special needs that can best be met in a group situation and/or the preschool is specially designed for the issues the child has. Early intervention is important.

2. Mom has other small children at home, preschool gives the older child a chance to do things that might not work at home right now AND gives mom valuable one-on-one time with other child.

3. Mom really needs the break. I know this isn't a popular view on mothering, but we don't all have the same level of support. For some moms, preschool gives them the only chance to take care of themselves (thinking of a friend of mine who whose DH was deployed, had no family living near because they were military, and had health problems. Her child was in preschool two mornings a week and that's when she set her doctor's appointments)

4. Preschool is fun for the child. It's different than home. They still get to do their home stuff and do stuff with just mom, but they get to do their preschool stuff, to. It's an add on.
 

Originally Posted by MunchiesMom 

I know children is all academic settings have extra curricular actives. I know the public high school would include children from all income levels. The public elementary however is not diverse - in income or ethnicity.

 

I value diversity too. Attending a diverse public school was wonderful for my kids (it was 40% white, 40% African American, and 20% other. Income levels were all over the place, too). Awesome experience that effected what they believe and don't believe about skin color.

You might check and see if your district (or city or state) have open enrollment. You might see if there is a public school that is a better match for your priorities for your child, and if you have access to the school. Racial and economic diversity may not be something you get from a private school or homeschooling.

However, that being said, diversity isn't what I based this decision on. I base it what I believe is best for my specific child, not the color or income of the other parents. 

(We are upper middle class and white, one of my kids adds diversity to any group because she's on the autism spectrum. One of the families in their current school (which is private) adds diversity because it has two mommies. There are a lot of ways to be diverse. )