Suggestions/experiences?

[Dadsoon423]

My wife and I have opted for an UC, however it seems as if everyone else disagrees with our choice. We've been told everything from "mother/baby will die" , to "the state will take your baby away". Can anyone give us advice on how to deal with these people, e
Something to help them unerstand that UC is healthy, safe, natural, and LEGAL. I don't want my wife stressed out because of what someone else thinks. Thanks.

[amberskyfire]

We and our families have been back and forth about this for a decade now and I have seen hundreds of women discuss this topic. There really is only one answer that seems to work. Lie.

I hate lying, but in the first place, it isn't any of their business. In the second place, they are never going to come around. Almost no one does. That's why almost no one births unassisted. You can't change their minds, you can only make everyone stressed about it, including yourselves. Third, you have to do what is best for you and your baby. When it comes down to it, I would tell a million lies if I did it to protect my child.

We no longer tell anyone we are having a UC. If anyone asks, I flat-out lie. I tell them we are going to the hospital or the birth center or that we will have a midwife deliver.

The best option is to never mention it in the first place. If you don't mention it, everyone just assumes that you are going to a hospital, no question, and everything is hunky-dory. They won't even consider asking because nobody considers someone else having a UC. But since you're in our position and already said something, the only thing you can do about it is lie. Nobody is going to be impressed at us having a UC, they just get very concerned and this will have negative effect on your birth and your feelings toward your family.

So sorry you are going through this. :(

[zoebird]

well, we largely didn't talk about it.

when we did, it was to explain the situation, legally and otherwise, which meant rarely talking about it. most people's response is emotional. 

[indignantgirl]

We also didn't talk about making the choice to UC, for the most part.  I don't need anybody's approval or validation, and it's a waste of my energy trying to convince a bunch of naysayers--ESPECIALLY while pregnant and trying to emotionally prepare myself for birth!  There are some people I would flat-out lie to if I felt weird about discussing it with them.  I never told anyone we were UP'ing this last time, not even my most supportive family members. 

We've had 3 UC's now, and after the first one and then the second one, I'm sure people suspected that I was doing it on purpose.  They felt better thinking that I just labored too fast and that surely the MW would "make it in time" next time.  I didn't disillusion them during the pregnancy.  After this birth, I did tell my SIL/best friend that we UP'd as well and while she has always been incredibly supportive and confident in my choice to UC, I could tell that UP was an entirely different matter to her.  The look in her eye and the tone of her voice kind of closed up, and I was glad that I didn't tell her beforehand.  It might have affected how I felt about my choice.

My advice would be to just lie, or just tell the partial truth, whether you're comfortable with it or not.  You don't owe anybody else honesty about how you and your wife will be giving birth, especially not at the expense of your wife's peace of mind.  

[purplerose]

Most people are not going to be supportive of unassisted birthing. They don't understand it and most never will. I would lie...we didn't tell anyone we were planning it except my mother, who was going to be with us. They found out afterwards but even that was a hassle.

And good for you for being supportive of this! My husband helped me through my UC and caught the baby(literally) and I'll never forget it. I found out boy/girl when he was holding her and said, "Oh my baby girl!"

[jaylily]

I don't believe in lying - we just avoid telling people.  No need to make them worry or get into a pointless discussion.  I know what my own reaction was before I became open to the idea of UC - that I couldn't imagine doing it and that it would be ideal to have someone there "just in case".  I think that's how most people feel.  It took having my own babies with professionals to understand exactly why people choose UC, seriously look into it, and to realize that it's what is right for me.  Now if people already know and insist on talking about it... the best we can do is try to help them understand why we're choosing UC, which they may not.  Either that or try to avoid the subject with them. 

[MittensKittens]

Originally Posted by Dadsoon423 

My wife and I have opted for an UC, however it seems as if everyone else disagrees with our choice. We've been told everything from "mother/baby will die" , to "the state will take your baby away". Can anyone give us advice on how to deal with these people, e
Something to help them unerstand that UC is healthy, safe, natural, and LEGAL. I don't want my wife stressed out because of what someone else thinks. Thanks.

Other peoples' opinions and experiences can of course be valuable, even when they are not in accordance with what you have chosen (especially so, actually). But, unless those opinions are based on real knowledge and facts, they are actually meaningless. It is probably human to want to talk about our plans and receive validation. But UC, or any birth choice, is a very personal matter and I think it is not actually necessary to convince others that UC is healthy, safe, and legal. As long as you and your wife are comfortable with your decision, that is all you need. 

My advice? After receiving a lot of meaningless criticism for homebirth, and then UC, my only advice is to refrain from talking about your plans in too much detail. You don't need peoples' permission, and people who don't care about you at all are especially undeserving of knowing your plans. When a neighbor or the person behind you in the queue at the grocery store asks about birth plans, "we've got everything all set" is a great answer. Close friends and relatives are a bit different.