Toddler Behavior Advice

[cadybh]

Hi All,

I'm brand new to this community and have already found it to be an amazing collection of people.  My first (and so far only) child has recently entered toddlerhood and my husband and I are often left scratching our heads about the best approach for handling our son's behavior in a caring yet constructive way.  I would love some advice!  My son is 19.5 months old.  Here are the two issues we're having lately:

1. Aggressive behaviors: Though he doesn't do it often, sometimes he bites or hits us.  This seems to especially happen with me, either because I'm probably holding him/in close physical proximity more often, or because he is upset more often with something I'm doing/saying/not doing/not saying vice my husband, or because he feels safer trying these behaviors out with me because we have a very close relationship...?  We'll be going about our activity and he'll get a sneaky little look on his face and then nuzzle up and bite, or else come in close for a hug and then hit our noses/mouths.  What gives?  We say "No biting.  Ouch, biting hurts.  Give kisses," or something along those lines.  It does sometimes happen if we say something he doesn't like (i.e., "Let's go change your diaper," or "It's time to go inside now,") but other times it seems to us to be completely random.  Is it just something he's trying out and he'll eventually stop if we're consistent, is he biting more because he's teething, or is he trying to tell us something else?  What's been your experience with your child(ren)?

2. Dinnertime woes: It feels like we're living in the newborn shove-your-food-down-your-gullet-as-quickly-as-possible phase again because lately our son has just reached his limit for the day when we sit down to dinner.  He refuses to sit at the table with us, he refuses to try his food, and he whines and cries to get into my lap and nurse.  Even favorite foods are turned away without first trying them.  He is willing to go to bed without eating any (solid food) dinner in lieu of sitting down with us and feeding himself as he normally would.  He is normally a GREAT eater and uses his own utensils somewhat proficiently.  He typically takes longer than we do to finish his meal, so it's not something where we're dragging our meal on and on and expecting him to wait.  The first time he pulled this behavior he was indeed sick with a cold and so I gave in and nursed him at the picnic table in our back yard, and now he seems to want to repeat that each evening.  It's not something I'd like to continue (I generally nurse him around 4, we eat around 5, and I nurse him again around 6 for bedtime, so he really doesn't *need* to nurse at 5, and hey, I'd like to eat my meal!), so I've since refused to let him in my lap.  I will give him a hug, let him sit right next to me with his plate/bowl/cup so close that our legs are touching, and/or tell him I'll nurse him after dinner (and then follow through with an extra session as soon as I'm done eating), but I'd rather we go back to the way things were.  Could it just be that he's overtired right now when he's teething and/or sick?  Or is this a normal stage of development around this age?  

As for what we think could be contributing, the following statements are all true:

*he's teething incisors (and also possibly 2-year molars??), as evidenced by at least one new tooth bud plus drool and diarrhea and diaper rash and requiring extra sleep

*he's had a cold the last week or so

*he seems to have hit a new peak for separation anxiety in the past week or two as he's been acting very clingy, especially with me, wanting lots of physical reassurance and attention, and having a hard time when we drop him off at daycare in the morning

Any input would be much appreciated!  What would you/did you do when your child acted in a similar way to meet his/her needs and to curb the associated negative behaviors?

[mamazee]

I read #1 and though, "Maybe he's teething?" Then I read #2 and thought that he absolutely is teething. Mine both went on liquid diets when teething. And a lot of toddlers, I bet more than half anyway, go through an aggressive stage. His aggression might be biting now because of the teething, but it might make way to hitting, throwing things at you, or something else. I would consistently remind him to be gentle and as he can speak better and as he learns to express his emotions in other ways, he will outgrow it.

[TillyBarry]

I found this because I was searching as my 12 month old is doing very similar things.  He is very aggressive to me, pinching scratching and biting.  It gets bad for a few days and then seems to get better.  He seems angry and frustrated when he does it.  But then at times he thinks its funny.  I am looking for some advice on books to read to help him with this..

And we are sometimes having similar dinnertime woes. 

I have no advice, only solidarity.

[belltree]

Cadybh, I have found it helpful to teach my child "stop" for situation that he doesn't like. He is 20 months old and puts his palm forward and says "stop" in situations that he doesn't like. Also, when he has bitten me in the past, I would say "ouch, that hurts, stop it", and put him down right away and distance myself for a 5-15 seconds (a lifetime in his world).
 

Regarding dinnertime, it sounds to me your child is tired. How about having a snack a bit earlier for him, or you could all eat earlier? We often just have a picknick style dinner on the floor, because ds prefers to wander around. Children go through phases some are more pleasant some are harder, the tiredness, the cold, the anxiety all speak that he is in a phase, were he needs to be held more. How can you balance your needs with his? I guess, I would give it some time and most likely things will resolve on its own anyways.

[LynnS6]

That age is sometimes difficult because they're on the cusp of a lot of new skills (language), teething,and it's a peak time for separation anxiety. Add to that a cold, and is going to make for some difficult times. Remember too that it takes ten days to two weeks to really feel well after a cold.

My suggestions for when he hurts you is to first take his hand and demonstrate 'gentle', and if he continues, then put him down and say ouch, that hurts. Be gentle. I'll hold you again when you're gentle. Also make sure you give him transition time -- he needs some time to switch gears. Give h'm 1-2 warnings before going in or starting a meal. I like the 5-3-1 system. 5 minutes before we go in. 3 minutes. 1 minute, what would you like to do before we leave?

Not much help to offer for dinner. He sounds hungry and tired. Any way to give him a snack? A rest?

[flightgoddess]

Your child sounds totally normal, and you have some great strategies going! FOr meals while he's teething, try some soup/stew, or ice cream/sorbet, cold applesauce, etc. He may like the hot or cold sensation.

But be firm about not nursing at dinner if you don't want to set a new precident!