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DP and I split. Living with ex til after baby comes :(

post #1 of 32
Thread Starter 

I left my DP a couple days ago, due to him being severely controlling. I started noticing him having a strange attitude when I'd talk to friends both male and female and even when I talked with family. He eventually tried to make me stop using facebook and constantly checked my messages and even checked all the way back into 2009 (mind you, we were only together since the end of January of this year). I was to text him from the computer the whole time he was at work. This made me basically "tied" to the computer so he could babysit me. He watched and listened to me throughout phonecalls to my mom(the ONLY person I was able to talk to on the phone). Two weeks ago, he threatened to throw me out 3 times in the same week. The first time was because I wouldn't have sex with him because I didn't feel like it and an argument ensued so I left to run an errand to cool off, the second time I went to sleep on the couch because it was too hot to sleep in the bedroom, so he was mad that I wasn't in bed with him and the third time was because I demanded privacy for my email and facebook. I felt so violated when he babysat my facebook when he knew I wasn't doing anything wrong, so I finally stood up for myself and said no. The last straw came when I went to his work to use his cell phone in order to talk to my mom and my son who is staying with my mom for a short time and he babysat the whole phonecall which was over a half hour long and he got pissed at me that it took so long cuz he had so much to do at work. Um...so why listen to the whole call instead of working? THATS when I realized exactly what he was doing and he has a past of physical violence with girlfriends, but had never touched me. I wasn't going to stick around for it to happen though, because I know that violent situations start out with control. When I tried to tell him why I felt the way I did, and why I didn't want to be with him anymore, he was in complete denial, and was full of things like "whatever, Becky" "sure Becky" "you're being delusional. it's all in your head" and I almost believed him until I asked a couple of friends and they agreed with me. When he asked me if I was sure about my decision and to look him in the eye and tell him I was leaving for good and I did just that, he backed me into a wall and said "I hope you die giving birth to my son. You are garbage and a whore and I hope that nothing good comes to you. You're a shit parent and I hope you rot." I didn't have anywhere to go for now except to my ex, who welcomed me into his home. We are not together, but we're both happy that we'll both get to see the kids everyday without custody issues.

 

Sorry this was so long, but I am so relieved to be out of there. I feel so much lighter and happier and Casey is happier too, cuz she is with daddy AND mommy.

post #2 of 32

Oh Becky...  I'm so sorry your relationship devolved to that point.  What horrible things he said to you!  I'm so glad you were strong and stood up for yourself before anything physical happened!  What are your plans for living, the birth, and custody of the new child?  Maybe it's too soon to think about those things...

 

hug2.gif

post #3 of 32
Thread Starter 

The father of my first two kids is moving back to our hometown, where my mom and my sister live this fall, so I'm coming along with him and until I can get onto my feet I'm going to be with mom, or maybe things will work out with me and my ex just living in together. And there isn't any thoughts of us getting back together. We just want to be in the same house with the kids. I still want an unassisted homebirth. I'm not sure exactly when we'll be moving, but it'll be around the last month of my pregnancy. Ray(now my ex) couldn't make up his mind wether he wanted to be in the baby's life or not. He kept saying things like "I'm taking you to court to take him away from you" then changing his mind and saying "I don't want to hear from you or see the baby." I don't know what will happen if he were even left alone with the baby if he's angry. He's a very angry person and is actually racist. Like "heil Hitler" type of stuff.

post #4 of 32

--


Edited by 11C11 - 8/29/11 at 9:09am
post #5 of 32
Thread Starter 

Thank you for your support. It was hard and ever since the first time he threatened to throw me out, I was rethinking us being together. To me, that's just not something you threaten to a person you love. He knew I technically didn't have anywhere to go. So if I didn't do exactly what he wanted me to (being under his thumb at all times) he held being with him over my head as leverage. I saw the control my mom's ex had over her and me and my sisters and I was able to spot the red flags before it got way out of hand. I am sure he will try to make things difficult, but I'm not the one that's a felon with a history of violence with partners, so I could cause him more hell than he could cause me. He wouldn't even let me take the foodstamp card, but what he didn't think about was that I could report it stolen and now he can't use it. lol

post #6 of 32

DDC crashing, sorry I saw this in new posts and wanted to send a hug.

 

I'm glad you got out and are safe! Have you considered doing some counseling and healing work to help you choose and work towards better relationship dynamics? It sounds like this kind of dysfunction was modeled for you as a child. That kind of thing makes a big impression on us, sometimes in ways we didn't realize at first.

 

Hoping for good things in your future. :)

post #7 of 32
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Funny Face View Post

DDC crashing, sorry I saw this in new posts and wanted to send a hug.

 

I'm glad you got out and are safe! Have you considered doing some counseling and healing work to help you choose and work towards better relationship dynamics? It sounds like this kind of dysfunction was modeled for you as a child. That kind of thing makes a big impression on us, sometimes in ways we didn't realize at first.

 

Hoping for good things in your future. :)


Thank you. :) I know that I should probably consider therapy, but I feel that since I was able to pick out his behavior and that it wasn't healthy, instead of lingering and letting it get worse that maybe I don't need it. I don't know.... Thank you again for your support. I am getting support from my kids' father and the rest of my family, and I feel so much better since getting out. It's such a heavy and dark feeling. I almost married him. It was supposed to be at the court house on the 13th of this month, but we were short on money to get the certificate, etc. I am so glad it happened that way.
 

 

post #8 of 32

hug2.gif I'm so glad you stood up for yourself and for your family and are getting away from a situation that was going down a bad path. That is really admirable, and a lot of women wouldn't have that kind of strength while parenting two kids and being pregnant on top of it! You have SO much to be proud of. I'm glad you have support around you. I don't know much about you, but I do know that any mother who can do what you just did is clearly an amazing role model to her children --- and no doubt a great mother! Keep your chin up. I don't know any break-up that doesn't completely suck and make you feel miserable for a time... but thankfully you have other little distractions babyboy.gif and lots of love around you to help you get through it! Much love!!

post #9 of 32
Thread Starter 

Thank you. It is pretty easy not to think about it with the kids and preparing for the new one on the way. I'm trying not to stress about what I'm going to do when the baby gets here, cuz I know I'll be living with mom for a while and I'll have to go get a job. I haven't worked since April 2009. I'm so scared to go out and be rejected that I have a hard time turning in applications. But, I know I shouldn't worry about 4 months from now, cuz that's way down the road, and I should just think about today.

post #10 of 32

I'm so sorry to hear about the struggles you've been facing, but I am very happy to hear that you left him.  It sounded like a horrible situation.  I'll look over your new baby name and get back to you on the other thread.  =) 

 

Here's to new beginnings! hug2.gif

post #11 of 32
Thread Starter 

Thank you so much Jasmin. I was 2nd guessing choosing to post about my ex, cuz I'm not really one to put my personal life out there too much, but I'm glad I did, cuz I needed the support. I'm really grateful to have you ladies for additional support. stillheart.gif

post #12 of 32

Sometimes its SO hard to make the right choice- even if you know that it is the right thing to do, and even if you have known for a while. You choosing to do whats hard shows your love for your children!  You don't want your kids witnessing control like you saw in your mothers relationships- obviously, you recognize it as unhealthy.  Good for you, Becky!  You did something a lot of women cant do!

post #13 of 32

I just know that it was starting to get to the point that I didn't have anything to give to myself or my kids, and when you have nothing to give, it's time to stop. It was hard in the sense that I loved him and still do, but I will not tolerate being disrespected, shut out or told what to do if it limits my needs as a human. He treated me like I was an idiot and I was starting to believe that it was true. And even though we were intimate alot & he made it seem like he thought I was attractive, I just didn't feel that way. It's only been a few days and I feel so much better about my appearance. And even though I have listened to women who have gone through both physically and emotionally abusive relationships, and I didn't understand why they stayed, I chalked it up to me not being through that. But after going through what I went through, I still don't understand how they stay as long as they do. I don't know how it's tolerated. It's not because they love them, because I loved Ray alot and I didn't stay until I got the crap beat out of me. I'm not trying to talk down to anyone else who's been through an abusive relationship, I just don't understand and I thought I might after going through that.

 

Hmmm....Stupid link for facebook again. I'm gonna try to turn that stupid link off. Grr!

post #14 of 32
Thread Starter 

Dammit! I don't know how to disconnect it. irked.gif

post #15 of 32

You are a very smart amazing woman and know when to call it! I am really happy that it sounds like you saw all of the signs, she see how it was affecting you child. I am happy to hear that you baby is happy! Everything happens for a reason. I am also happy to hear that the ex is there for you two, well 3 really.

post #16 of 32
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chena4 View Post

You are a very smart amazing woman and know when to call it! I am really happy that it sounds like you saw all of the signs, she see how it was affecting you child. I am happy to hear that you baby is happy! Everything happens for a reason. I am also happy to hear that the ex is there for you two, well 3 really.


Me too. I told him a few things about what was going on, and he told me I could use the money he had wired to me that was supposed to go for diapers, etc to get to his house instead so I'd at least have somewhere safe to go. I'm so grateful that he took me in. He doesn't even know. Well, maybe he does cuz I've been making him dinner and deserts almost since I got here, cuz I have no other way to show my gratitude. lol
 

 

post #17 of 32
Thread Starter 

Update: So my ex partner has taken to trying to get with me the last two days. I am trying to stay strong and KNOW deep down that HE was the reason that I left and not because it had anything to do with my character. I found this article in the Personal Growth board that I found AMAZINGLY helpful to stick to my guns and not go running back to him. http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml 

 

The article is kind of sad, because it shows little to no hope for emotionally abusive people(mostly men) and I know that for me, it was awesome when I got help for my issues and it seems that emotionally abusive people aren't very successful in the help that they seek out.

post #18 of 32

Stay strong!  YOU MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE, keep reminding yourself that.

post #19 of 32

Let me tell you my story... I'll try to make it short.. in 1997 I met a guy and we hit it off. He was funny, sweet, charming and had a temper but never with me so I never thought about it too much. He lived in California and I lived in Baltimore. In 1998 I moved to Phoenix with him and within two months I was pregnant.. All the sudden everything changed.. He started not wanting me to talk to people, slowly started to try cutting me off from my circle of friends and family, and we started fighting a decent amount. After one fight he took the computer out of the house when he went to work but left the phone. I called my mom and a guy friend of mine and the next day he confronted me with a tape that he had set up on the phone to start recording every time someone started talking.. The next day he went to work he took the computer and the phone. I packed my stuff and my friend who had moved with me headed to a cheap motel you could rent by the week. I got prenatal care through the state and got a job.. We finally moved into an apartment at about six months I got up one morning and our car was gone. Reported it stolen and the next day the police came and said they found the car crashed into a tree and set on fire. I worked all the way across town and we had been living literally paycheck to paycheck with NOTHING extra.. The next day I happened to run into my ex and he gave me this story about how he realized how wrong he had been, that he would get counseling, things would be different.. In that weak moment I decided I should try again with him and moved back in to his house.. Things went relatively well and I had our son in Feb.. My April he was back to his normal self but now I felt truly stuck because I had nothing and nowhere to go with a newborn. I was young and decided to bide my time to leave eventually.. It got REALLY bad.. I would be sleeping and he would be angry about the baby keeping him us up all night and one morning I woke up by having a steel toe boot thrown at my face.. According to him I was fat, ugly, worthless, and lucky to have him. One day our son was about four months old and crying nonstop, nothing was helping. I was breastfeeding him and he just kept crying, walking him and rocking him and he was still crying.. Finally I tried his swing and he was just screaming.. My ex went up to him, grabbed the swing, and SCREAMED in his face to shut the F(*# up... It was the first time he had ever been that way towards the baby and my breaking point.. I got up, took our son from the swing, and went to walk out the door when he got a 9mm and put it to the side of my head while I was holding our son and told me if I took one step he would shoot me in the face.. I just turned around and said go ahead and went to walk out the door.. At that point he put it up to his head and said he'd pull the trigger and I told him to please do it and left.. I got back to the east coast and stayed on friend's couches, worked waitressing jobs, and finally got my own place.. One day the phone rang and I couldn't get to it in time so it started recording a message.. He had pocket dialed me and was on his way from Ohio to kidnap my son. I was pretty hysterical and called the police who came and filed a report but told me since we were both on the birth certificate if he did take him there was nothing I could do because we hadn't established custody. I filed for an emergency custody order and ended up getting full, sole custody. He was killed in a motorcycle accident not long after that so it ended the drama and cycle of crap we were dealing with..

 

You seem strong and sure but we all have moments.. Please stick to your plan.. Do not go back. People do not change without a lot of work and even then sometimes they never change. Some days you will feel strong and sure, some days you will second guess yourself and feel weak but know that you are doing the right thing by leaving.. Emotional abuse and control is a gateway to so much more.. If you need anything I'm here..

 

http://www.facebook.com/#!/profile.php?id=100002618441475

post #20 of 32
Thread Starter 

Thank you so much for your story! He is BEGGING me to come back and that he is going to get help, that I just needed to say that I AM with him first. And I sounded like a broken record til 4AM this morning telling him no no no that I wouldn't think of being with him until I saw proof of him getting help and some sort of proof of improvement. He has never gotten violent with me, but I got really scared when he backed me into the wall and said all of those horrible things to me, and I knew at that time it was because he had lost control over me and didn't like it. I am SOOO glad I have the support here I need. If not for that, I might not have found the Personal Growth board and not found that article. I was seriously thinking that if he was persuing help that things might somehow be better, but also know that he is full of excuses of why he wouldn't receive help. He keeps making threats on taking his life and I keep saying "It's your choice, and I'd feel terrible if anything happened to you but this only shows that you desperately need help." And saying things like "I can't get help without you. I'm getting help to be with you." And all I could say is "If you aren't good enough to yourself to get the help, why aren't your kids enough for you to get help." He never had a solid answer, and I know it's because he's trying to hook me in.

 

I'm also getting a little anxious about him having any kind of custody, because I don't want our son to turn out like him. :(

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