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DP and I split. Living with ex til after baby comes :( - Page 2

post #21 of 32

Just remember why you left everytime you hear from him... I never thought I would be one of those women.. and I was always the one to ride to my friends rescues that managed to find a guy like that... I eventually fell into ones trap.. Charismatic... was the word everyone used for him when we first met... the word they now use isn't appropriate to say here.  I was with him for 3 yrs... I lived in his house... I didn't work.. I wans't allowed to see anyone but my parents.. and that was approx 1 once a month, my mother was battleing breastcancer then.. I fell into a deep depression.  I got lucky and did not get pregnant.  It took my grandmother passing away to shake me out of the stupor I was in an open my eyes to what kind of a life I was living.  He was verbally, and emotionally abusive... and If i didn't have my own temper I have no doubts it would have been physically as well.. though in the end it did come to that. 

 

I got lucky.. I didn't end up pregnant though at the time I would have given anything to be.  I have a friend w/ a son who's father is worse then what I went threw.  She has been battling long and hard for sole custody of him because his father has threatened to kill him many times over, in gross detail.  there has also been signs of physical abuse.  and I have seen first hand the rage this guy has.  he refused to leave a bar when she was 8 monthes pregnant and exhausted.. so I was going to take her home and come pick him back up ( he was in no condition to drive)  and he grabbed me and threatened me, held me up by my throat.  At the time I couldn't convince her to stay away from him.  But she witnessed it.. and in the end it helped her leave him.  I regret not pressing charges against him, but she was distressed as it was.

 

It sounds like you have a much better support system now.  It does get easier, life will go on.  and you'll be glad you got out.

 

I never would have met my wonderful husband and in some ways don't think I would have reconized how perfect he was for me had I not been threw what I had in the past.  when I woke up and decided to use what happened to me as a learning experiance and part of the grand scheme of things I started looking forward to life again, and what it holds.  I actually met him at my friends wedding, the one I mentioned above.  She had found a great guy after what she had been threw.. and they where fraturnity brothers... as they say the rest was history.  It can be amazing how it all works out in the end.  Just stay positive! 

post #22 of 32
Thread Starter 


OMFG This is how I described him when we first got together. Charismatic. That was my favorite word for him. Truth is, after I started to see his pattern of what he was doing, I noticed it wasn't charisma, it was controlling leadership.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blayzes Mommy View Post

Just remember why you left everytime you hear from him... I never thought I would be one of those women.. and I was always the one to ride to my friends rescues that managed to find a guy like that... I eventually fell into ones trap.. Charismatic... was the word everyone used for him when we first met...

post #23 of 32

Stay strong. thumb.gif I just read your thread and think it is great and courageous that you left this abuse. Are you looking into how to arrange custody now? That might be a good idea. If you had the energy you could even document his threats insults and behaviour for use in your case to get sole custody.

post #24 of 32

DDC crashing (sorry!).  Can I make a suggestion?  Stop talking to him.  Seriously.  The more you talk to him (or let him talk at you), the greater the odds you will go back.  That's just reality.  You are strong.  You did the right thing.  Put a bubble of peace around yourself right now.  You don't owe him anything, you don't have to take his calls.

 

Also, please start looking into custody stuff now.  Since it sounds like money is an issue, I'd call legal aid and see if they can advise you as what things you can do to help your situation and keep the baby away from him.  There are also likely things you can do to not make things easy on him--so he'd have to work really hard to prove the child is his and that he should get to see him.

 

Big hug!  I've known a lot of these guys (father,step-father, other relatives, etc.) over the years.  Stay strong!

post #25 of 32

Make sure you write down everything he said, with dates and times if possible. It may come up later if he tries to get a lot of visitation or custody, etc. He seems like the type that would try to get custody just to hurt you, but then be abusive to the child. You may want to claim to not know who the father is at the birth.

post #26 of 32
Thread Starter 

Wow! haha I didn't even know these posts were here. I've been in the November 2011 Group page. Thank you ladies for the advice. I haven't gotten a single cent or any clothes or anything from this baby's dad. I've had to try to find things really really cheap or free. I don't talk to him hardly at all. And I am not calling him when I go into labor. I'm so so so glad now that I got out. As you can see, my "ex"(the husband I left for this baby's dad) and I are back together and he's been really supportive to me in all of this. He agrees that this baby shouldn't see its dad. My mom is really good friends with some lawyers and the mayor or my hometown, who prosecuted in a sexual assault case for my sisters and I, so I don't think legal advice will be an issue. I do have my ducks in a row as far as documentation. I have all the texts from him telling me how unhinged he is and that he needed help and how he used to hit his past girlfriends. I even have messages from an ex girlfriend of his, saying that he used to throw her around and choke her out, so that's good to have. I'll also use him not doing anything to help prepare for the baby to my advantage. He hadn't picked smoking up(he'd been chewing before, but had quit) until I left and now he smokes 2 packs a day. So, you think about $11 a day is $330 a month. That's money he could have used to get baby a carseat and clothes, but no. So, I'll be using that too, thank you very much!


Edited by IwannaBanRN - 10/14/11 at 5:32am
post #27 of 32

I'm DDC crashing too :) ... I'd really suggest picking up Gavin de Becker's book "The Gift of Fear" sometime.  It's a lot about listening to your instincts and the emotionally manipulative things bad guys can do to get you to do what they want.  In your situation he says to do exactly what PP said ... don't talk to him.  at all.  Now, with the baby on the way, you have to worry about that legal side, but even that communication can be routed through the legal system and lawyers.

 

 

post #28 of 32
Thread Starter 

I don't plan on talking directly to him and only plan on seeing him in the courtroom. I'm half fearing what he'll do when he finds out I'm going to try to keep custody away from him. He has friends in the town that I live in and he could easily have stuff done to me or my DH. This boy means enough to him to kidnap, I'm sure. He used to "joke" that it better be a boy or he'd kick me down the stairs. I just know that I don't want him around the baby. He's not a good role model at all.

post #29 of 32

Have you looked into paternity laws in your state? I know in Oregon, if you are married at the time of a baby's birth, DH is the only guy who can be listed on the BC as the father and has legal responsibility for the child regardless of who the bio dad is. That might make the whole thing more interesting.

post #30 of 32
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by dogmom327 View Post

Have you looked into paternity laws in your state? I know in Oregon, if you are married at the time of a baby's birth, DH is the only guy who can be listed on the BC as the father and has legal responsibility for the child regardless of who the bio dad is. That might make the whole thing more interesting.



I.........don't want it more interesting. lol I just want it to be easier.

 

post #31 of 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by IwannaBanRN View Post

I.........don't want it more interesting. lol I just want it to be easier.

 



Hang in there mama! I'm thinking it might be one more thing that would make it difficult for the baby's father to get custody or even visitation.

post #32 of 32
Thread Starter 

Thank you all for your input. I'm going to be trying for full custody as soon as baby comes.

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