When do you call it quits on music lessons?

[HeatherB]

My DS started piano lessons about 3 years ago. He was excited to start and my MIL had paid for the beginning of his lessons (i.e., a month). He had a great teacher and moved along quite quickly. He had this teacher for about a year and a half and even through the rough patches when DS wouldn't practice, the teacher was excellent. Even if DS went in to the lesson frustrated, he'd come out smiling (all but maybe one time when he was being really awful).

This first teacher left without any warning (and I can't find him - I've tried!). DS has been through 2 or 3 other teachers (never with any notice to me) at the same music school. Some he has really not liked very much, but he seems to like the current one well enough. However, I'm constantly telling myself I'll give it "two more weeks" before I make a final decision about whether or not to continue.

When he actually plays, he's plenty good at it. There's some musical talent in the family and I think he's got at least a little (his first teacher thought he could be quite accomplished if he'd just practice). I hate to pull him from something that could be of lifelong benefit, especially as I was one who adored piano but never had the financial means to take lessons regularly (nor a decent piano to play on).

But I can't cope with the struggle to get him to practice, which is what makes the lessons worthwhile. If he doesn't practice, he can't progress, which means I'm sending him to lessons for nothing. Really, it's the very biggest issue we have these days. If I say, "Hey, you need to practice," he begins to shut down right away. Like I said, I keep saying, "two more weeks," to see if he'll buckle down and do it (and he does, sometimes, especially when we're focusing on the AK program where it's in his morning chores). But many times, we get to Tuesday (lesson day) and he's done nothing or next-to-nothing and he really, really needs to spend some time working on it in order to progress.

I know this is all magnified right now because I was out of town and I didn't have him go to lessons while he wasn't actually at home on a daily basis (where he could be expected to practice). So it's been 3-4 weeks out of any sort of routine. He has make-ups that we've paid for already and we'd have to give a month's notice, but I am THIS close to calling the director and telling her we're done after all of that is complete.

Is that terrible of me? Or best for all of us? Is it better to loose ourselves from this right now and let him come back to it when HE is invested enough to ask for it? Or do we push through because we could all use some better discipline and routine and commitment? We're homeschoolers/unschoolers, and DH is always of the mind that it's important for DS to have *something* that he's required to do on a regular basis and accountable for... But I just don't know if this particular thing is worth it right now.

These are the questions that swirl every time I think of it... So I'd love some input from anyone who's been there and done that. I just don't cope well with the conflict it brings and I don't like being in that position!

[CarrieMF]

 I hate to pull him from something that could be of lifelong benefit

It is not a benefit if he doesn't like it & has no interest in it.  I am guessing this is your 9yo.  At this age he is old enough to know what he wants to do & what he doesn't.  i'd let him quit.

[Geofizz]

What does your son say?  He's been doing this three years.  Surely he has a sense of whether he likes it? 

Are the expectations too high?  Is he too much of a perfectionist?  As is, I would often tell myself that I had to practice 45 minutes to make it worth it, but since I didn't have the energy or gumption to practice 45 minutes, I wouldn't practice at all.  We're having good luck with setting expectations for effort (90% because 100% effort is too exhausting every single time) and quality (95% since no one is perfect).  This is helping to all DD to practice things, accept imperfection on both the practice session and in the product.  The end result is better because more practicing is happening.

Can you change the terms of practicing?   Make it his responsibility, motivate it.  Yeah, that can be anti MDC mantra, but where intrinsic motivation is lacking, good habits and routines can be developed.  We have it scheduled as something that happens at 4:30 every afternoon.  Being scheduled also seems to help, as it becomes predictable and part of the routine.

What are your goals with music lessons?  What are your son's goals?

The motivation to practice can be difficult, particularly without a stellar relationship with the teacher.  Maybe it's time to move to a different music school to get a better fit and more stability.

[dovey]

My parents had me take piano lessons and I did practice when they told me to.  But I really didn't like it.  I hated performing at recitals and I disliked performing at the lessons. I still have nightmares about not being ready for my piano lesson.  Somehow I forgot to practice for 20 years but my teacher is still expecting my 34 year old self to be there in a few hours. 

In spite of all this I become a good musician.  I liked being a good musician even though I didn't necessarily like the process of becoming one.  It made me feel accomplished, smart and respected when I was a teenager, especially when I got a job playing music at a church.  If I didn't have this to lean on as a teen, I think I would have been more depressed and have had a lower opinion of myself. 

Now, I don't really play anymore since I don't love it.  My partner took up music of his own accord as a teen and he plays all the time.  With your son, I think you should ask what your motivation is in keeping him in the lessons.  Are you trying to help him love music?  Or are you trying to help him persist in something which is hard for him?  Are you trying to provide him with a skill to teach him discipline and structure?   

[4evermom]

Is there some other approach you can take? Instead of formal lessons and mandatory practice, is there an older more accomplished homeschool student that you could hire to come over and have fun playing the piano with ds? Keeping the focus on enjoying music rather than "making progress?"

[Ragana]

We just went through this. DD1 (age 11) played an instrument for 2 years and just decided to quit this summer. I made it known that I would have rather her not quit, but the choice was ultimately up to her after we talked about the pros and cons. The thing I struggled with was that I didn't know if she truly was not interested any longer (what she says - it was no longer fun) or if it just got harder at that point, and she needed to get over a hump to get to the next level (in which case it would have been a shame to quit considering the benefits I was seeing). I'm still not 100% sure. However, we've always let our kids try new things and then quit if they didn't like it once they had fulfilled their initial obligation. She says she feels relieved and is now deciding on other activities she might like to try when school starts back up. Good luck on making your choice.

[mumkimum]

I grew up in a very musical family - we all played some instrument or another.  

I think that, sometimes, weekly lessons are too much for kids.  I know I didn't always enjoy them and felt a lot of pressure over the lots of practicing, and simply came to not enjoy it very much.  (I left cello sometime in jr high after years of lessons - I did later on pick up piano in a more for-fun/enjoyment way and became pretty adept at that).  One of my sisters did monthly lessons for awhile (although at an older age) and I actually think that's a pretty good compromise over quitting completely.   She's actually go on to play in a more seriously way and quite enjoys it too.  

Wavering interest happens and it's okay and normal.   Having a teacher who actually is motivating and makes it really interesting makes a big difference in one's internal motivation to do well and practice (but is also really hard to find someone who meshes really well).  

Taking lessons isn't the only way to learn/get better at an instrument.  Playing for fun or having practice books at home to do on your own (when you have a pretty good knowledge of music in the first place) is pretty effective.  Hearing some fantastic music later on might encourage someone back to practicing/lessons.  Having learned about music at any point, IMO, gives you a better appreciation of it for the duration of life no matter what skill level you reached at it.  It also makes it easy to pick up again at some point.  I wouldn't worry that letting it go now or soon will mean that it won't end up enriching your ds's life.  (My grandfather took up drums and piano lessons sometime in his 80's, and practiced a lot and really enjoyed it).

For practicing frustration, I do think that one thing my mom did for us all at different points was make up a tiny box of practicing rewards (stickers, 1-2 small candies, etc.) which we'd get after a decent 30 min. practicing.  Wanting to practice (as a kid, esp) for the sake of practicing and mastering something isn't really naturally occurring, IMO - and doesn't necessarily always become more natural until later anyway.  Sometimes the things you need to practice actually are really boring and it's hard to find a way to make them fun or enjoyable.     

[HeatherB]

Thanks for the input. He DOES enjoy it when he actually plays. He likes perfecting his songs and playing for everyone. He has not been in a formal recital because the owner messed up last year and didn't get him assigned to a piece, and no one realized until it was too late (despite my having signed him up and authorized payment for it). She let him help be the "MC" for the event and he adored that. He wanted to play in the recital this year but we didn't sign him up for various reasons (and he was okay with it).

At this point, he says he might rather play another instrument. I have thought about putting him in a homeschool band where he could play percussion but would use the knowledge he already has of reading notes. I don't remember what the initial instrument is called, but it's laid out more or less like a piano, so it would sort of be piano but using major muscle groups (which is good for my kinesthetic kid!). That has seemed like a good compromise to keep him involved but make it new and fresh, and he'd have the fun of doing it in a group (his lessons thus far have all been private). And, like I said, performances are something he likes, so he'd enjoy that aspect, too.

I realized yesterday that the schedule we have now just is not going to work anymore. It was fine when DH worked from home and I could run DS over while the other kids napped, have 30 minutes to myself, and then come back home. But DH recently started WOH and piano lessons are still scheduled for what is naptime. It's especially bad when *I* need a nap.

So I think I'm going to have them wrap things up and then move on to something new... Perhaps the band/ensemble thing, perhaps something else (he says he'd want to play guitar, and we do have a half size guitar that's his). At this point, I'm pretty fed up with his current school, anyway, so it seems best to let it go.