Desperate for a Break, but would you?

[Partaria]

I have PPD. I started Zoloft last week. It's helping somewhat. Today was really hard. DH was gone the whole day instead of just half the day. And DS is screaming, and has been inconsolable for nearly an hour. I'm sobbing, wondering what happened to my life. I wish to god we hadn't had this child, as awful as that sounds.

I feel like I need a break. Bad.

We have no family in the area. My parents are about 7 hours away. They jsut called and offered to come get DS and take him for a week. BUT, he's only 8 weeks old. They would feed him formula and I KNOW they would let him CIO at night. I EBF now and we bedshare.

I want to attachment parent. I want to be good at this. There are moments that I love my child. But I am having a hard time and I'm at my wit's end.

Should I let DS go for a week? What should I do?

[McGucks]

Hi...I had an awful PPD with both children and I let it go WAY too long...thumbs up to you for realizing what was going on and taking care of yourself, INCLUDING asking for some help from your parents.  It is hard to see through the mud and fog that is PPD...hard to believe that there is light in your tunnel.  I totally get the difference between having your DH gone for a full day vs. a half...when I was 8 weeks PP, my DH was kind of laid off and able to help so much.  I would have sunk had it not been for him.

Now, in reference to your question--is there any way they could come to town and visit for a week (maybe stay in a hotel)?  Or you could go with them?  They could give you breaks and much-needed sleep without disrupting your goals and attachment.  Just because the baby's gone doesn't necessarily mean your depression will evaporate or mean that you will be able to get lots of sleep.

Have to go now but I will try to check back in with you.  Hang in there.  Do you have other kids, BTW?  Also, good for you for keeping up with nursing...there are good chemicals (serotonin is one) that are released every time you nurse...that is one of the chemicals SSRIs are meant to enhance, I believe.  You have already done good things for your health and your child's health.  Both of those things are part of "being good at this."

Early motherhood can be a very, very hard experience.  Do you have any support from LLL or any mom buddies?  Those were the things that kept me afloat when DH went back to work.

[Partaria]

I could maybe go with the baby, but then I feel like I will be home with my parents for a week (DH would have to stay here and work). All the while they would be pressuring me to stop breastfeeding and for me to let him cry. That might be difficult to fend off.

Maybe this isn't such a hot idea at all. I guess if they came up here, maybe that would be good.

I agree- keeping up the BFing is so important. There are dark hours when I feel like the only thing that keeps me from wanting to run away and never come back is the fact that I am the foodmaker for this child. I feel like if I give that up, I won't have an anchor anymore.

[Syriani369]

 Second by second, hour by hour, day by day, you will get through this.  I dont think you should let them take your baby though, i think you might regret that.  Baby might not remember this, but I think you will never forget it.

[Italiamom]

Originally Posted by Partaria 

I want to attachment parent. I want to be good at this. There are moments that I love my child. But I am having a hard time and I'm at my wit's end.

Oh honey, first, BIG hugs to you.

You mention that your DS is only 8 weeks old...  That's still so young!  And you're still in a time that is really, really hard, even for mamas without PPD.  I think it took until probably 12 weeks for me to really feel like I was starting to kind of get the hang of being a mama.  At 8 weeks into their first child, no one is good at it!  You sound like you're concerned for your baby -- you're breastfeeding, you care about the kind of mother you are, you want to do best by your child.  At this point in the game, it's okay to be still tremendously frustrated.  Don't beat yourself up for not feeling all sunshine and roses about having a newborn.  They are HARD work.  Tiring, frustrating, draining.  Those are realities for most every newborn.  But things do get better, day by day, I swear.

Basically, my advice would be to not send your DS with your parents.  I think you might really, really regret that.  And there isn't any guarantee that it would help.  It might, honestly, make your depression worse.  And I probably would not go stay with them if they're not supportive of breastfeeding.  Breastfeeding is actually a really chemically important function to your body postpartum.  As a PP said, your body releases chemicals when you breastfeed that are good for YOU too.

Is it possible for maybe just your mom to come visit, with the understanding that breastfeeding is NOT up for discussion?  I think that the Zoloft takes a few weeks to build up enough in your system to see a real improvement.  But maybe that short "break" of having her there, on your turf, would buy you another week until your system starts to see the real benefits of the Zoloft.

Big hugs, and I wish I had better ideas for you.  I'd say to remember, too, that you can put the baby down and walk away for a few minutes.  Put him in a crib or somewhere safe and step outside, or step into the shower for a few minutes.  I know it isn't ideal, but it won't hurt him, and if it lets you keep your sanity then it's a good idea.  Step away, take some good deep breaths, allow yourself to cry and be sad, don't beat yourself up for not being "good" or "perfect," and then go back to him and nurse him for a bit.

Despite the picture that a lot of moms paint, those first 12 weeks are HARD.  You're doing okay mama, and I hope the Zoloft helps!!

[Partaria]

Thank you for the feedback.

My parents are trying to help. I know that. But the way they help is to kind of tell me what I'm doing wrong. Or what they think I'm doing wrong. For example, they tell me that what I need is to stop sleeping with DS, and to stop breastfeeding him. What they say I need is more separation from him.

That makes me feel like this depression is caused by me, that even while I'm trying to do well, I'm really not. KWIM?

It's helpful to hear from all of you that I'll get through this and that I'm doing, or trying to do, a good job.

I think I won't send him with them. I don't know what kind of baby I would get back. That might sound crazy, but what if he's withdrawn and we aren't bonded somehow? I just don't think they will take the right kind of care of him. My dad keeps saying "well I raised you, and you turned out all right." I guess I did, but I also have had a lifetime of depression problems, issues with anxiety, etc. I have memories, very early ones, of being 2 or 3 years old, and being left to cry in the night. I remember my father once coming into my room, furious with me for crying, telling me to "stop being a baby." I was 3 years old and had had a nightmare. Maybe DS wouldn't remember this week of CIO with them, but I suppose I would go to bed every night thinking of them putting him through that. I want something different for my son than what I got as a child.

And you're all correct- there is no garuntee that a week away from him will make me feel better. Plus, there's a chance my milk might dry up, which would be awful.

I'll see if one of them could come up and help for a few days. That might be helpful. I don't really want to go with DS down there because I would be away from DH for a week, and I don't like that scenario either.

Thanks again, everyone.

[Italiamom]

Originally Posted by Partaria 

My parents are trying to help. I know that. But the way they help is to kind of tell me what I'm doing wrong. Or what they think I'm doing wrong. For example, they tell me that what I need is to stop sleeping with DS, and to stop breastfeeding him. What they say I need is more separation from him.

That makes me feel like this depression is caused by me, that even while I'm trying to do well, I'm really not. KWIM?

I just wanted to pipe back in and say -- your depression is NOT caused by you.  For anyone to say that it is, is awful.  I'm sure you know it, but it needs to be said.  Your depression isn't caused by cosleeping (which is honestly probably getting you MORE sleep at this point, not less).  Your depression isn't caused by breastfeeding (which is probably a hormonal lifeline for you right now, not a burden).  Your depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in your brain that you have ZERO control over.  Period.

You are NOT NOT NOT doing anything to cause your depression.  And honestly, the fact that you're still so committed to breastfeeding and doing right by your kiddo in the depths of deep depression speaks volumes as to your capacity as a very GOOD mother.

[Filiz Dolar]

Hi Partaria,

I went through something similar and horrible when my DS was born.  Look, its impossibly hard.  Our whole lives are gone.  we are instantly differnt people.  there is no SELF anymore.  then you love your DS/DD but despise all the changes.  Hang in there, it gets much better with time, I promise.  i had never been as depressed as I was when my DS was born.  I wasn't on meds either, but I was... so close to death feeling, if you know what i mean.  it was bad. 

I tried CIO, and sleeping in seperate beds, believe me when I tell you this, it will make things worse.  you will have to hear your baby scream, or rock him to sleep, you will be exhausted getting up to nurse, and when your exhausted, you just get even more 'depressed'.  

Go for a walk out side, regardless of the time. Lay in bed with your son as long as you want. bring your DS to do things with you that you have to do.  pop out that boob whenever neccesary lol.  sit in the sun with your son (hehe). eat lots of fruits. 

let go of trying to control the situation.  this may sound contradictory, but maybe you need space from your parents.  don't even answer the phone. F* their criticism.  Call over friends even if you look a hot mess :) call over stupid friends so you can be glad your not them :) Go to a restauraunt even if you have to nurse while your eating lol.

My BF was gone a lot during the beginning and not very helpful (more stressful) when he was there.  he got better with time thank god, but he wasn't much help.  Just know you are amazing.  bottom line is amazing.  you are doing what very few people in the world can, especially not men.  the future generation is raised by YOU!  be proud of your war wounds, its like serious Navy Seal boot camp.  mostly though, just let go control, and go with the flow.  try to be primitive :)

Please let us know how your doing.

[Partaria]

Thank you so much for these kind words.

I ultimately elected not to let my parents take DS or even take DS and me away for the week. We just have clashing parenting philosophies, and I worry I'll feel more attacked than supported. They are going to visit us here on Saturday.  I let it slip that my babe hates car rides with a passion. My father said he would cure that by taking his grandson for a long drive so he could cry and "get over it." *sigh... I told my Dad I prefer that he not do that, since I have no doubt it will traumatize the crap out of my kid and make him hate the car even more. Now I feel like I don't even want my parents to babysit my son at all. What else would they do to him while I'm gone for even a couple hours?

I was doing better with everything. Then today hit. He just didn't sleep well at all last night and has started this disturbing habit of screaming (not crying, actually letting out a blood curdling scream) when he passes gas. I cried all morning with him, just wishing we had never done this. Plus, we are in the throes of some pretty big financial worries. I mean, who isn't these days, right? But I can't help but just constantly worry about money and feel like I shouldn't have had this child if I can't provide a more stable environment for him, money-wise.

Everytime one of you tells me you survived these horrible days and this "near death" feeling, I really do take heart. I don't know what I would do without MDC. Thank you for your words. I will take it on faith that it gets better.

[McGucks]

I was so glad you made the decision you did.  I think you would have felt like a failure, which you are NOT!  I hope that you are feeling better bit by bit.  Never doubt why what you are doing feels so hard...it's because it IS really hard.  Who else works 24/7?  Always on call, every minute?  Being a new SAHM is a very different life than I had before and it took me a long time (DS2 is 16 months) to kind of adjust and feel okay with it all.  That said, I still have rough days and frustrating days...but who doesn't?  Those feelings don't mean I am a bad mom...just normal.  The sleep thing should never be underestimated, either...it's awful for many, many people.  Some people really do have babies who are great sleepers, but most don't.

I just wanted to check back in with you and send good feelings your way.  Also, have you made a mom friend or two?  If not, seek them out...they may need you every bit as much as you need them!  And I'll again recommend trying to find a LLL group or mom's group or both.

I would strongly encourage you to follow your instincts regardless of what your parents say when they visit.  I have had to grow a much stronger backbone with my MIL than I ever thought I could've.  I have had to say "No, we aren't using babysitters yet" because I know he's not really safe with her.  And I've had to say it at least 40 times and that's not an exaggeration (I make sure she sees him regularly, but not without me there).  Same thing with nutrition issues, babywearing, etc.  You and you alone are your baby's mother, and you do indeed know what's best.  Get advice from your supporters, not your detractors.

Yay for you and your baby...you all have made it this far! 

[Imakcerka]

I could cry for you.  I know what you're going through.  My first one was not an easy baby and my ppd was so hard to deal with.  I didn't realize how bad I was until I went back to work after 3 months and had lost 60lbs.  I cried and screamed when I was alone.  I thought terrible things about myself my child and my husband.  I was in so much mental and physical pain I didn't know what to do.  I eventually made it through but without help and I don't ever ever ever recommend that. 

At this point you need to seek help.  And I hope you do.  For yourself and for baby.  Financial problems will come and go.  One day I was making 90 a yr, the next I was making 45 with the same bills.  Took two yrs for me to drag myself out of that hole and build back up.  That's life. 

As for your parents.  Mine were the same way and still are.  My dad is worse but my mother has gotten better.  I left my 8 and 6 yr old alone with my dad for a few hours one morning when I came home they were in tears.  He forced them to eat something they didn't like oatmeal with water only.  Even I wouldn't eat that.  I always put fruit or vanilla soy in it for them and they love it.  But apparently being told that they wanted it a certain way made him feel that they were telling him what to do and kids don't do that.  So he tried to force his law.  Good thing we have dogs who like oatmeal because he went to the bathroom and they got rid of most of it.  Smeared their mouths with oatmeal and LIED through their teeth.  I'm fine with their lie.  I'm not with his behavior of intimidation.  My girls are good girls and don't need that kind old school BS.

You will have so many things that will come at you.  From here on out this is you learning how you will live through them with all the new changes in your life.  None of it comes easy and help is important.  There are programs out there,  Good luck mommy you can do it.

[agoldenlife]

Originally Posted by Italiamom 

I just wanted to pipe back in and say -- your depression is NOT caused by you.  For anyone to say that it is, is awful.  I'm sure you know it, but it needs to be said.  Your depression isn't caused by cosleeping (which is honestly probably getting you MORE sleep at this point, not less).  Your depression isn't caused by breastfeeding (which is probably a hormonal lifeline for you right now, not a burden).  Your depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in your brain that you have ZERO control over.  Period.

You are NOT NOT NOT doing anything to cause your depression.  And honestly, the fact that you're still so committed to breastfeeding and doing right by your kiddo in the depths of deep depression speaks volumes as to your capacity as a very GOOD mother.

Hi,

I am going to keep this short, as I could go on for a long time...

First, IT DOES GET BETTER!!! This piece of encouragement was a life saver for me as during my depression, I always searched for this optimism from other mothers who went through such dark and difficult times and understood what I was dealing with. I found most of that support here.

I wanted to let you know that I know EXACTLY what you're going through. I had severe ppd from the day my dd was born. That's when the overwhelming feelings took over and would not stop. I had "ok" days but for the most part it was hell.

The first year was the most difficult. More so than I could have ever imagined. My dd was a high needs baby, crying and wanting to be held ALL THE TIME. I had very little support during the day (my husband was amazing and extremelly supportive and helpful in the evenings). Most of the time I felt like I was loosing my mind. I cried all the time.

She is now 25 mo and more amazing than I have ever thought possible. Our bond is so intense and I love her so much that it often feels like we're making up for the horrible first months together. (Of course in some ways, there is alot of pressure that this is what every new mother is supposed to feel like all the time from day one).

Even tonight as I am writing this, I find it hard to believe that so "recently" very often I wanted nothing to do with my dd. I was terribly depressed and felt that I was not meant to be a mother.

I finally got help. I joined a support group for mothers with ppd. It was such a relief to hear others talk about what they were dealing with. And with a ton of guilt and major reluctance (as I was/still am nursing) after one of the most hellish years of my life I finally got on antidepressents. I am not saying that this is the answer for you, just sharing my story.

There is help out there. Please ask. You do deserve a break. Even though it may not be in the exact way that your parents are offering. I'm sure there are many ways that they could help you out by coming over: dishes, food prep, as sometimes any little thing helps.  Even if it means you have to keep the visits short with them.

Keep following your intuition as to what YOU need to do for YOUR baby, you do know. For some reason it seems that so often there will always be advice that contradicts how you are mothering.

My heart goes out to you and please keep telling yourself AND believing that this will all pass and it will get better.

[abiyhayil]

  I agree with PP's to nest in with your baby .  With my first I had a husband pillow so I could sit up in bed with DS nursing on his brest friend nursing pillow and I was either on MDC or watching a movie.  I didn't dare disturb him after he nursed to sleep and I've never regretted that time spent 'doing nothing' 

[BrusselSprouts]

Mama.  I had PPD with DD (born last January) and am 41wks pg as I type this.  I even had AND during this pg so I am a little nervous that it will happen again.  I'm sure you'll feel better overall that you didn't send DS away for a week, and yes, you're right, if you didn't pump you would have had milk supply issues, possibly dealt with clogged ducts and mastitis to boot.

So I have a practical suggestion for you out of left field: have you tried babywearing?  Babywearing & bfing helped me through PPD.  http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/fussy-baby/baby-wearing/benefits-babywearing   These are magic words: 'After six weeks, the infants who received supplemental carrying cried and fussed 43 percent less than the noncarried group.'  You can make your own scarf, even if you don't sew or are feeling too overwhelmed to sew (I know I was): http://wearyourbaby.com/Default.aspx?tabid=121  

Have you checked medical reasons for DS to cry, such as reflux, or ear infections?

 Hugs to you.

[Partaria]

Thanks mamas. Things have gotten better since I got on medication. DH and I have begun drifting apart and arguing, so that's not been very helpful. But otherwise, things seem to be improving. I'm not crying daily anymore.

Babywearing is a GREAT suggestion! We are big proponents of it. I've worn him everyday since he was born. He's still just a high needs kid, I think. He's healthy as can be, just very ... opinionated. If you put him down for a moment, he freaks out. He must be in arms at all times. No exceptions. It can be draining.