Not feeling excited about my upcoming birth

[MarineWife]

I don't know that this necessarily belongs in this forum but I am having a homebirth so I guess it's as good as any.

I'm having my 4th child and my 2nd homebirth. I was so desperate to get pg one more time and have one more baby. I didn't want the childbearing part of my life to end with miscarriages. So, now I'm at 38+w with the birth of this baby coming soon and I'm not excited at all. I'm actually feeling kind of sad.

I was so excited about having a completely natural homebirth with my 3rd. Everything went perfectly. It was more painful than I expected but I got through it and there weren't any problems or scares or anything, just normal labor and birth. I am a little scared of the pain this time. I've done the best that I can to prepare but still feel like I don't quite know what I'm doing.

My dh is deployed again. He was deployed for the birth of our last child, my first homebirth. It makes me sad that he will never experience a homebirth with me since this will be our last child. I'm also sad and stressed about being the only parent to our 2 young children and soon a newborn for so long. I'm afraid I won't be able to do it. I feel like I'm barely getting by now.

I really want to feel good and excited and happy about this event but I don't. I just want to get it over with.

[Turquesa]

  Mama, you've got a LOT on your plate.  Do you have family or any other support network with you?

Also, have you considered a doula?  As the wife of a deployed soldier, you qualify for free doula services:  http://www.operationspecialdelivery.com/index.htm  I'm not sure where you live, but it's worth contacting them and seeing if there's a participating doula in your area.  This kind of guidance may be what you need to get through the birth.

Thoughts and prayers!  Please keep us posted. 

[Breed210]

I'll be having a homebirth while my husband is in Afghanistan.. If you'd like to add me on FB feel free.. I totally understand and I too am nervous about having the kids and a newborn for the first couple of months..

http://www.facebook.com/#!/profile.php?id=100002618441475

[MarineWife]

I've got my 2 MWs and at least one of their assistants. I had a doula at my first homebirth and ended up not really needing her. I've talked to my MWs repeatedly about how my other labors were and what I'm concerned about and what I think I need during labor.

My mom is coming a few days before my edb, which is July 30 so still another week before she'll be here, unless something happens sooner. I wish she could come sooner but she has a limited time she can take off from work and we decided I'd probably need her help more after the birth than before. Even with that, she'll probably only be here for about 2 weeks afterward. I've got friends and neighbors who say they will help but don't seem to be as available as they say.

I woke up this morning feeling even more sad and alone and haven't been able to stop crying. I hope this is just hormonal mood swing stuff and will pass soon.

[Breed210]

Is Olivia your midwife? If so she is mine as well. I just photographed a homebirth last weekend with her as the midwife and she is awesome..

If you need anything let me know! With John being deployed it's just the boys and I. I have my really sad moments as well. Usually when I start watching homebirth videos and see the dad being so involved and helpful. This will be our first homebirth and I hate that he is going to miss it. So far I have two professional photographers and have put together a birth circle so I'm surrounded by strong women I trust.

[XanaduMama]

Originally Posted by MarineWife 


I woke up this morning feeling even more sad and alone and haven't been able to stop crying. I hope this is just hormonal mood swing stuff and will pass soon.

I agree that you've got a lot on your plate and these feelings are absolutely reasonable and understandable. However, my first thought on reading your OP was: "She's going to be in labor soon." This update only confirms my feeling that you're experiencing a hormone shift that means your LO will be arriving soon. What do you think? I've known so many people who have a mini-breakdown at the end, a huge cry, and then labor begins in the next few days--I think it's quite common. So I don't mean to trivialize all the challenges you're facing, but I also hope this really is a sign that things are moving.

Is someone taking photos/video of the birth?

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by Breed210 

Is Olivia your midwife?

Yes, she is. I didn't realize you were in the same place. When are you due?

I've got boys, too, a 20yo, 7yo and 4yo. My 20yo sort of moved out about a week ago, which is probably affecting my mood some. I suddenly went from seeing him every day to only seeing him once in the past week. I'm glad he's moving on to this next stage in his life but it's hard adjusting to not having him around.

I can't watch any birth videos or shows at all. I was hoping we'd at least be able to skype but my dh says he doesn't have private internet access yet. I don't know if he'll even know I'm in labor before it's over.

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by XanaduMama 

my first thought on reading your OP was: "She's going to be in labor soon." This update only confirms my feeling that you're experiencing a hormone shift that means your LO will be arriving soon. What do you think?

Is someone taking photos/video of the birth?

This did occur to me but I really don't know. I don't remember having a breakdown like this before but my mom had already been with me for a week before I went into labor. I've been having a lot of contractions but nothing really strong or regular. I'm in some pain because I have SPD so it's been extra hard to move around and do the things I usually do.

I don't know if I'm ready for baby to come soon. He has to wait at least until the 28th so my mom will be here. My next door neighbor is my backup for my other kids if I do go into labor before my mom gets here but it's not quite the same.

[Breed210]

I'm not due until mid November.. I have no issue going 42 weeks, lol, because then it is closer to him being home. With our last I was 42 weeks exactly but I figure because I want to this time I'll go into labor at 38 weeks or something according to the laws of Murphy..

We have two twelve year olds, a seven year old, a 14 month old, and then this one on it's way :)

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by Breed210 

I'm not due until mid November.. I have no issue going 42 weeks, lol, because then it is closer to him being home. With our last I was 42 weeks exactly but I figure because I want to this time I'll go into labor at 38 weeks or something according to the laws of Murphy..

We have two twelve year olds, a seven year old, a 14 month old, and then this one on it's way :)

Are you a photographer?

4 boys with one set of twins and one more boy coming? I've got boy #4 coming.

[Breed210]

I went to school because I wanted to be a human rights photographer in the photojournalism field.. After the birth of our second though I ended up setting the camera aside to focus on the boys. I've taken it back up slowly and occasionally do stuff for friends but with the deployments and training it is only a hobby at this point. When DH retires I'll go back to it full time!

Not twins, both of us have a 12 year old from previous relationships. We aren't finding out the sex of this baby but it will be a boy. I don't think we make girls, lol.

[MarineWife]

That is cool. I always say I'll go back to work when my boys are older but how knows. By that time I might just be ready to lounge around the country club pool drinking mint juleps.

That's neat that you both had boys the same age. I know we don't make girls, either. Or, at least, we don't make girls that survive. I've had several miscarriages and I can't help but wonder if they were girls that just couldn't make it for some reason.

I didn't find out the gender with ds2 and ds3. I had to find out with this, our last, because I was a lot more disappointed than I thought I would be when ds3 came out a boy. Don't get me wrong. I love my boys more than anything and wouldn't trade them in a second but I was ready for a girl. With this, our last, I felt I needed to know ahead of time so I could process it and there wouldn't be that same disappointment right after birth. I definitely needed that time to come to terms with the fact that I will never have a girl.

I'm feeling a bit better today. Not so sad or weepy. I hope I can keep this feeling for the remainder. I have a prenatal appointment today.

[Breed210]

I hope your appointment went well.. Olivia is great.. I actually had her as my midwife at Naval with Jack..

We've had two miscarriages and I always wondered that as well! I'm actually totally okay with all boys.. I figure one of them will give me a granddaughter one day ;) Our families however are always totally disappointed when we find out we're having a boy..

[MarineWife]

My appointment went well. I had a trace of protein and leukocytes in my urine but Olivia said it was probably just from the YI my body is fighting and nothing to worry about. Other than that, everything was perfect. We're pretty much just making sure everything is set for the birth because it could be any day now.

I'm feeling much better today. I even had a few moments when I felt excited about giving birth again. Maybe whatever I was going through was just a temporary emotional meltdown. My mom is going to come this weekend instead of waiting until Wednesday so I'll have some help sooner rather than later.

My family has not been disappointed about all of our boys but I get that from acquaintances and strangers all the time, especially in front of my boys. That really makes me mad. Don't they realize what they are saying in front of them?

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by XanaduMama 

my first thought on reading your OP was: "She's going to be in labor soon." This update only confirms my feeling that you're experiencing a hormone shift that means your LO will be arriving soon.

Well, I guess you were right. I had my baby boy at home yesterday, Monday July 25th, about a week earlier than expected. I must have known on some level that he was coming early because, after my emotional meltdown, I called my mom and asked her to come Saturday. She got here just in time. My birth was amazing and my MWs are awesome!

[Breed210]

In my day to day I forgot about this thread!

I'm so excited for you and he is GORGEOUS.. Of course I can't wait to hear your birth story since we share a midwife! Hope you are doing well and your DH has got to see some photos and give you a call!

[MarineWife]

My homebirth team was awesome. I couldn't have asked for anything better, especially since they'd been on a birthing marathon. I was their 3rd overnight birth that weekend.

I've got the 1st draft of Dylan's birth written out but I haven't proofed it yet. It's really long, over 2 pages. Hopefully, I get it polished up and posted by tomorrow.

My dh was able to call later Monday afternoon and I emailed some pics to him yesterday. I haven't heard anything else yet. He'll probably call again tomorrow.

[XanaduMama]

Hooray, congratulations!! Glad your mom made it in time and that everything went so well.