Visitors during and after childbirth --- thoughts? - Page 2

[purplerose]

Wow wannabeanRN- I'm so sorry you have had such unsupportive friends/family! If you asked me, I'd definately be there and not shy away afterwards, either! I hate for a mom to be without the people she wants during/after birth!

To address the OP's post, with my first baby, I had a very painful recovery from my 4th degree epis. and had minor depression, I hid out in my bedroom for over a week, in the dark with the baby. Visitors came and went and I laid there alone in my dark bedroom. With #2 and #3 I hardly had any visitors :( I wanted visitors so badly! Family came the evening she was born but after that, nothing. I LOVE to have people over and after those two births I felt so good and ready to see people who love me! In fact, when we brought #2 home from the hospital, some family and my best friends were at my apartment and we had Wedgy's pizza delivered and had a tiny party, then my mom and I washed up the dishes. It was just so nice. I see many parents want to be left all alone during and after the birth for a long time but not all of us do.

Off-topic but have any of you ever seen how cows do when one gives birth? I think it's so adorable...they slowly make their way to the new mom and baby, and look them over for a couple of minutes, then walk away. I imagine they are saying, "Congrats, mama! Hello there, little one!"

[joyrises]

To put it in a nutshell.... I strongly believe that the only people at the birth should be those who will be genuinely helpful and truly comforting/inspiring.

Helpful" in its finest forms can sometimes look modest.... it doesn't mean busy-busy!  If in doubt about whether to have a particular person there, see if s/he would be willing to be on-call, knowing that you might or might not want them there in the moment.  It's a good sign if they respond gracefully to that, understanding that you can't now predict exactly your needs & wants during your birth unfolding.

...and "comforting" isn't pity.... best to have people there who have a strong deep faith in birth and in your ability to do this amazing thing, even in the midst of the good strong sweating work of it!

all the best to you....

[CheriK]

I think you need to listen to your gut as you decide.  Have you had people ask to be there?  I wouldn't bring it up with, for example, your mom unless she does.  Just say nothing and then do what feels right at the time.  You can always say you "didn't have time" to call her if she questions why you didn't tell her when baby was coming.

I really would encourage, as others have suggested, having a doula or experienced mom there as support for you.  I think too much is expected of Daddies.  Remember that he hasn't done this before, either, and he cannot know what you are experiencing.  He's going to be worried about both you and your baby.  He also doesn't have the benefit of hormones to relax and energize him during the birth!  Having a woman present who is simply able to focus on your needs is so wonderful.  That way the pressure is off of Dad and he can focus on helping you as you ask without feeling like he has to be the all-knowing, in control person.  If you choose to have a friend instead of a doula, I'd ask someone who has the same philosophy of birth that you do (ideally someone who's had a homebirth herself) and expects birth to be noisy, messy, unexpected, and normal!

Honestly, I didn't really care who was there for either of my births while they were happening.  The whole hospital could have been in the room when my twins were born (and to some extent were, there were SO many medical support people LOL) and I wouldn't have cared; I was too focused and busy birthing my DD at my second, homebirth.  I cared much more about who was there AFTER the birth and wished we'd restricted visitors a bit more with the twins.  The homebirth was easier because I simply didn't tell anyone until I was ready to have support - I labored all by myself in early labor, finally woke DH, and only had him call our midwives when, as it turned out, I was starting transition.  I just reached a point where I wanted more people around me.

We had as far from a natural birth with my twins as possible (cesarean before labor had really started).  We'd already planned on having a doula present as well as a CNM friend; when it looked like I was going to have a surgical delivery before my doula arrived, we were going to have my mom come into the OR with us (she is a retired nurse) until it became clear that she simply wasn't up for being the support person while her own "baby" was having surgery.  So a friend who had come to the hospital w/ me volunteered,but my doula ended up arriving literally at the last minute.

For my third child (2nd birth, HBAC), we asked my mom to be present to support our 7-year old twins.  After DD2 was born, my mom said that we'd done a great job of preparing our kids, but she wished she'd watched those birthing videos with us - it ended up being much more stressful for her than we'd thought (I had heavy bleeding during delivery and I think it scared her).  We made a sign for our front door that had "Mom and baby sleeping - thanks for stopping by, we hope to visit with you at a later time." on one side, and "Please knock, we'd love visitors!" on the other side.  It often stayed on the "sleeping" side for the first couple weeks, even when we weren't! 

Enjoy!

[birdhappy85]

Thanks, all, for sharing your experiences and words of wisdom! I think the best piece of advice that stands out to me is to have only those around me who will bring a good and compatible energy to my childbirth and immediate pp experience. All of you DDC ladies have given me the courage to just stand up and do whatever the heck I want! Mucho gracias.

Edited by birdhappy85 - 8/1/11 at 4:04am

[IwannaBanRN]

Originally Posted by purplerose 

Wow wannabeanRN- I'm so sorry you have had such unsupportive friends/family! If you asked me, I'd definately be there and not shy away afterwards, either! I hate for a mom to be without the people she wants during/after birth!

I think you meant Zenbuoyan ttt. I was just quoting her post.

[philomom]

Originally Posted by CheriK 

I really would encourage, as others have suggested, having a doula or experienced mom there as support for you.  I think too much is expected of Daddies.  Remember that he hasn't done this before, either, and he cannot know what you are experiencing.  He's going to be worried about both you and your baby.  He also doesn't have the benefit of hormones to relax and energize him during the birth!  Having a woman present who is simply able to focus on your needs is so wonderful.  That way the pressure is off of Dad and he can focus on helping you as you ask without feeling like he has to be the all-knowing, in control person.  If you choose to have a friend instead of a doula, I'd ask someone who has the same philosophy of birth that you do (ideally someone who's had a homebirth herself) and expects birth to be noisy, messy, unexpected, and normal!

Have to disagree. If a man wants children he needs to step up and learn how to birth them just like mom does. Do the reading, attend the classes and practice with her. We did Bradley and my hubby was not so much "the coach" as much as he was my main support person. He was so incredibly awesome. No woman could have done for me what his loving support did.... and it comes with kisses and caresses that reassured me that he loved me and all was going well.

Never, ever let a loving hubby and caring daddy out of the loop!

I'm MDC's official anti-doula.. pay a stranger to help you birth? I find it aberrant and gross.

[birdhappy85]

Since my midwife's assistant is a doula and comes with her to every birth, I think my husband and I are just going to use them as our main support system. I see value in having a doula around if you have created a bond and positive energy with them that you can feed off of during your pregnancy and labor, especially if you're lacking in family/friend support to help you out (which we are).

Edited by birdhappy85 - 8/1/11 at 4:05am

[Blayzes Mommy]

being a first time mom is stressful enough.. I have a history of anxiety issues which thankfully I've been able to manage w/out medication.  I odn't fear the pain of child-birth... i fear being in the hospital.. but I've made peace with the idea that for me it is the best route to take.  my mother had to have an emergency C-section with me due to issues my doctors are now seeing with me.  I am hopeing to have as natural an experiance as possible.  But it's best for us to be in the hospital to do it. ... which then lead to my anxiety issues with hospitals in general and haveing people there.  Thankfully my mother, and my MIL are both very supportive and "laid-back" as grandmothers can be.  and my father and his father don't wanna see childbirth again.  For us it's actually made the decision easier in allowing both to be there.  DH and my mom will be allowed dureing the labor and birth.. and MIL, and FIL along w/ my father can visit dureing the labor and after ( as allowed).  I've made it clear to our large family I don't want visitors in the hospital, they are welcome to visit us afterwards.  the decision was also made as we are moving in with my parents dureing the last trimester here.. and will live with them for a few monthes afterwards.  My mother and I had a very strained relationship dureing my childhood... but I trust my DH to be supportive, and I trust her to be supportive.  I also plan on involving my mother as she's been to a few appointments with me when my DH hasn't and for her to help support my DH threw our first.  She has always been the calm in the middle of a family storm.. so I know I can lean if need be on her calmness.. which for my anxiety may be needed.  DH has ADHD.. medicated. I'm sure he'll be fine.. but there is always that seed of doubt.  my mother was excluded from my brothers wives birth, and it hurt her feelings alot.  But at no point either did she try and force herself into the situation.  It makes me feel better to do this for her, have her there to help me, and my DH at first was against it.  until I explained my reasoning, now hes is being pro-active in his encouragement.

I thought long and hard about what would put me personally in the best state of mind... then figured out how to bring the important people involved in my life into it.  can't always make everyone happy.. but if it makes you happy.. and costs you nothing to make them happy.. well it's a bonus imo.

[TwinMum3]

Like many of the posts have said you really need to trust your instincts and think about what kind of person you tend to be in certain situations and what will make you most happy and at peace.  But if I may add unfortunately you may not know how you feel until after the fact.  With my first birth I didn't really care who was present.  I, like Mal85, come from a big family. I'm also a super close to my sister (we're twins) and my mom so I thought the more female power that has done this the better.  My in-laws live out of state, so that's a whole other comfort issue I never had to explore.  

Well, cut to my 36 hour long back labor and I was surprised by what happened. First, all the men (except my husband) seemed to trickle out of the room by about the 7 hour mark.  Second, I REALLY enjoyed the couple hours with my husband before everyone arrived.  It was really peaceful and we seemed to get in the groove together.  I found it to be very special.  And Third, I REALLY did not enjoy my mother's presence.  And let me preface that by saying I actually think my mother is the bee's knees.  She's really caring and thoughtful and giving.  But in this situation, as one said before, I think she couldn't handle seeing me in that much pain.  She was a nervous wreck!  And that energy was really hard to deal with in addition to the labor.

Birdhappy85, you seem to have settled in your wishes for birth.  That is awesome!  Just a thought-if you are concerned at all about how your mother or others may feel about your preferences have you thought about giving them some tasks (for lack of a better word) for while you are in labor?  This time around I think it will be just my husband, doula and I but we have a 2 year old son that I asked my mom to be with for awhile during labor (we want him there for the actual birth).  After bringing our son back we asked if she wouldn't mind waiting in the waiting room and calling all our family to let them know.   She was actually thrilled to have something to do (and I think she could tell how things went the last go round).  Making food or offering to grab your mail/water plants, feed pets, etc... is very helpful for you and makes others feel involved when all some want is to be a part of things or to not feel helpless (or in the case of some it may divert the need to be in the room with you!).

Well my rant is complete :)  Best wishes to you in whatever you ultimately decide.  And hope you have a very happy and peace-filled birth experience. 

[mamabelle]

Both my mother and mother-in-law live about 3-4 hours away.  I am a very private person (even sent my husband to bed during much of labor) and knew I didn't want anyone other than my husband at the hospital.  This was to be my mom's 3rd grandchild in as many years so she was understanding about waiting a week to come up.  On my husband's side though, this was the first grandchild and my MIL wanted to come up as soon as we'd let her.  Our plan was to call both moms when we went to the hospital and that we'd keep my mom posted with baby arrival news and MIL would head to our house (NOT the hospital) to clean and prepare food and take care of our doggies as necessary (I agree with PP about giving jobs to involve people that want to be involved- accept offers of help!).

We ended up not calling anyone until the baby was born.  It just felt right to us and nobody gave us a hard time (we just said "everything happened so fast" and "we went to the hospital at 4:30AM", etc).  It worked out great for us.  MIL cooked a huge, fabulous dinner the night we came home and just stayed one night before heading home and scheduling a later visit.  I was a little unhappy with some comments she made and just nervous about handling a baby in general, and was not as ready as I thought I'd be a week later for my parents' visit, but it was okay.

This time I'd like to hold off the visitors for a week again, and play it by ear a bit.  It's so hard to say no to family, but trust your instincts- if you're not ready, push it back a bit more.  That precious newborn cuddly time is amazing and private.  We liked being mostly topless to get lots of good skin-to-skin contact with baby, which can be awkward with visitors ;)  

And philomom, I totally hear what you're saying and am glad you had such a fantastic birth experience with your husband, but I wanted to chime in with some of my thoughts on why I had a doula at my first birth.  My husband was very involved, attended the classes, read the books, etc.  While I wouldn't want to shortchange any spouse/birth partner, I will say that I wanted a doula around because I felt like I really placed more weight and value in their knowledge and experience.  When they said "this is normal" or "everything is going fine," it would mean more than if my husband had said it ("how would he know?").  In the end, I birthed largely on my own, called my husband for the main support, and then we called the doula on the way to the hospital where the baby was born 20 minutes after arriving.  So she didn't act so much as labor coach, but was great after the birth in really focusing on me.  She got me food and water and just really made sure my needs were being met while husband and I got to fall in love with our son.  Since we birthed at the hospital, it was nice to have her follow-up home visits as well.  We are not having a doula for this birth, but we are doing a homebirth with midwives so it will be a little different environment and I feel like my husband and I can handle it. 

That was probably more than my two cents, but there you go!  Do what feels right/comfortable/reassuring for you.

[sothisislove]

Back story:  first birth was hospital, epidural b/c of pitocin and I couldn't/didn't know to insist on getting out of bed.  Mom and husband were there...mostly spectating.  2nd birth:  homebirth :)  Mom and DH there...DH did more 'work', but mostly left the hands-on support stuff to the mws. Mom mostly watched...and texted.  My dad was actually in the house the whole time, but in the living room...I didn't know it until somebody said something about getting another cold wash cloth for me and one appeared in the doorway attached to his arm. lol  My high school aged sister showed up soon after the birth.  I remember my post-birth bonding being interrupted by the 'click click click'ing of their phones texting the whole world about the new baby.  It was an annoying distraction to my bonding time.

Originally Posted by TalkToMeNow 

I'm probably going to have the unpopular/ uncommon opinion here on having family at the birth, but I have a reason! Here it is:

With dd1, I let my family be in the room at the hospital the entire time. (I got there at 9.5 cm, so I was only in the L&D for 2.5 hours.  So my mom, dad, and brother were there for the birth and the time right afterwards. They were standing around dd1 when she was being weighed and examined, and I remember that she grabbed my dad's finger. I think it is one of the most special memories of his to this day. Btw, I wasn't super thrilled with them being there, but it was very important to them.

With dd2, I decided to have a home birth. I also decided that I didn't want anyone there other than my xh and my midwife. This really hurt my mom. At the time, I felt like my wishes/ needs for the birth were more important. Now, I think I was wrong. Here's the thing: almost seven years after the birth, I don't remember any super special magical benefits of me being alone for that birth. But I DO remember hurting my mother. And I think she still feels sad about missing the birth of one of her two grandchildren. 

So I'm with you at this point....my mom wants to be there.  She was ticked that she couldn't see baby #2's ultrasound (we didn't get one!) so apparently at some point I promised her taht she could be at the next one.  Wait...i told her that when we got the 2nd ultraound for baby #1.  We didn't invite her b/c DH felt like a 3rd wheel.  geez....a promise that long ago isn't necessary to keep, right?!  I don't really want her there....for ultrasound or birth b/c she doesn't help out.  She's not hands-on involved, but just a spectator.  And I'm not an exhibit.  But it would seriously hurt her feelings.  She's planning on paying for 1/2 of the upcoming ultrasound (just to find out gender) so I have to let her go to that - or do the cheaper 2d one with just me and dh...she'd be hurt though and I don't have a good reason not to. 

Also, after baby #2's birth my sister got engaged and I remember thinking that if I'd known she was close to that stage of her life I'd have had her at the birth.  I wish I'd seen one before I'd starred in one!  My one sister is 6 yrs younger than me, just married.  The other just graduated hs. I mostly want them there so that they know what normal birth looks like....not just the crap they see on TLC.  But then again, why does this have to be educational for them!?  It's about me and this baby!

Originally Posted by Zenbuoyant 

Homebirth, 6th baby

I fear having visitors during the birth for a few reasons.

It feels like I'm having to entertain my guest. No matter how hard I try to focus on the birth I'm drawn out of laborland and turn into a hostess. I hate that. Maybe its my own insecurities that I have to work on. I had a best friend over for birth #4 and I simply could not focus on the birth.

I hear ya...I think I'd feel like I would have to have an amazing birth so that my sisters would have a good experience, and so that my mom would have a good story to share with the extended family who think I'm crazy for homebirthing...
 

Originally Posted by mcacat 

Originally with our daughter, my husband and I felt very strongly that we wanted it to be just the two of us and our midwives.  However, as the day grew nearer, I realized that I really wanted/needed my mom there.  It was something about feeling vulnerable and knowing that only my mom will take care of me in a certain way.  My husband was a bit resistent but in the end he totally support my decision to have her there and I am so glad that she was.   It was such a special time for her and I to share together.  Babies join their parents but they also join an extended family and the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren is just so magical.   I'm probably a special case but we didn't know at the time that my mom's cancer had returned.  She stayed with us for the next month and then passed away two month's after our daughter was born.  So, I have a pretty intense memory of having my mom at the birth and with us for the month afterward - you just never know how long you have with people that you love.  All this being said, I also believe that energy is important and if my mom and I hadn't had a positive relationship, I probably would not have had her there. 

This time, we are not sure what we are going to do.  I'd like to have someone in the house to be support for my daughter but I'm not sure who that is going to be (perhaps a friend, my mother in law, or our nanny).

yeah...I'll need someone there to watch DS and DD...last time DS slept through the birth so mom/babysitter was able to be in the birthing room the whole time.  I doubt it'll work out that way this time.  she's freaked out by the idea of DD seeing me birth.  Mom thinks it will scare the kids...last time I didn't make a noise until transition, but then I got loud with my moaning and breathing and stuff.  So she might stay out of the room with the kiddos.  I don't know where that leaves me with my sisters though.  I have a bad feeling that I won't decide on anything b/c I don't want to hurt mom's feelings so whatever happens will happen.

I fantasize about not calling them at all....but they only live a few minutes away and I could never get away with that.  I think my parents would kill me if I called them up and said come meet your new grandkid.   I can fantasize about it though! 
 

[sothisislove]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mamabelle

We ended up not calling anyone until the baby was born.  It just felt right to us and nobody gave us a hard time (we just said "everything happened so fast" and "we went to the hospital at 4:30AM", etc).  It worked out great for us.  MIL cooked a huge, fabulous dinner the night we came home and just stayed one night before heading home and scheduling a later visit.  I was a little unhappy with some comments she made and just nervous about handling a baby in general, and was not as ready as I thought I'd be a week later for my parents' visit, but it was okay.

And philomom, I totally hear what you're saying and am glad you had such a fantastic birth experience with your husband, but I wanted to chime in with some of my thoughts on why I had a doula at my first birth.  My husband was very involved, attended the classes, read the books, etc.  While I wouldn't want to shortchange any spouse/birth partner, I will say that I wanted a doula around because I felt like I really placed more weight and value in their knowledge and experience.  When they said "this is normal" or "everything is going fine," it would mean more than if my husband had said it ("how would he know?").  In the end, I birthed largely on my own, called my husband for the main support, and then we called the doula on the way to the hospital where the baby was born 20 minutes after arriving.  So she didn't act so much as labor coach, but was great after the birth in really focusing on me.  She got me food and water and just really made sure my needs were being met while husband and I got to fall in love with our son.  Since we birthed at the hospital, it was nice to have her follow-up home visits as well.  We are not having a doula for this birth, but we are doing a homebirth with midwives so it will be a little different environment and I feel like my husband and I can handle it. 

That was probably more than my two cents, but there you go!  Do what feels right/comfortable/reassuring for you.

I coudn't claim that 'everything happened so fast' b/c I relive and retell my birth stores a million times that first week...even to DH and mom - and they were there!  :)

About the doula:  That's what I want from my mom and sisters!  I relied so much on my MWs for the 'you're doing great' support - and I believed them! But I needed mom to so more after-birth chores rather than text and stare at the baby.  IDK...I guess I could always decide what exactly I want/need from those there and discuss it all beforehand with them.  And there will most-definitely be a 'no cell phone' policy in place.  :D

[justamama]

My first birth, in the hospital, I didn't care who was there while I was laboring. And at the last minute let my mom in while I was pushing when I'd planned against it. Afterward we had a TON of people in the room, and I am really anti-social. I have very little memory of dd1's first hours because I was zoning out trying to ignore the fact that I was SO uncomfortable and that I was missing out on cuddling MY newborn. 

My second birth it was just DH and I. I liked it. We wound up transferring and were in the NICU for 3 days, which again, people visited whenever they wanted. And again, I felt intruded upon.

The last birth I stayed pregnant longer than I ever had. To the day before my EDD (dd1 and dd2 were 36 and 37 weeks, respectively). I had SO many people asking me when the baby would be born, etc. BEFORE the birth, that I had to turn my phone and computer off, and make DH keep his phone on silent. I feel VERY watched if people ask me about my labors. I had a GREAT labor pattern going for EIGHT hours and DH insisted on calling the midwife when I told him not to. He no more than got off the phone with her before the contractions completely stopped. 

And again, after the birth we had a lot of visitors right away. And it was a little easier since we were home, but not much. Even when it is family that is here, I feel like I have to be "on" if there are people at my house. There are just a few close friends that I don't feel this way around.

I really wish I could get DH on board with leaving after the 24 hr appointment to go camping or on vacation for a week! I would in a heartbeat. To have that time ALONE, as just our family, to get to know this new life and for them to get to know us. To get some rest, rather than worrying about entertaining people (our family are NOT the kind of people that will bring a dinner and help pick up, etc...they want you to get them a drink and let them hold the baby while you talk to them and listen to their latest news and gossip). I swear the vicodin I had for the afterpains came in more handy for the tension headaches from visitors!

So, we won't be welcoming ANY visitors for at least a day after the birth. I know I will offend some people and maybe hurt some feelings, too, but I am honoring MY feelings this time. I shouldn't feel like I have to worry about being a gracious hostess and relinquishing my baby to other people right after giving birth. Nope. Not happening.

[mamabelle]

I couldn't figure out the quote/reply function, but sothisislove I wasn't quite clear before.  I didn't mean that literally "everything happened so fast," but just that we were focused on the event at hand and time just got away from us.  It's a copout for sure, but it worked on my family!  Good luck : )

[KayPea]

With my DD, it was just DH and I for many hours of early labour, then our doula joined us at home for a few more hours, but I sent her home when I decided to get some rest. We intended to stay at home, but when we had to go to the hospital, it was just DH, doula and I, with our midwife and the nurse assigned to us. And though there were 4 people in the room, I honestly only ever focused on our doula. Even DH was kind of in the background. Our doula was the best part about the labour, and I'm so happy that she'll be with us for this one too. 

I phoned my mom and sister when I was in labour, but asked them not to tell anyone else. They live halfway across the country, so they couldn't just come to the labour. I didn't want anyone else to know because I didn't want to be getting phone calls from well-wisher while in labour. We chose to not tell anyone until after the baby was born, which meant after all the initial bonding was done too. DD was born at around noon, and I think I started making my calls around 5pm.  But just to my mom, my sister, the in-laws, my dad and a few of my closest friends. I then tasked each of these people to pass the word on to anyone else who might be interested (extended family, other friends, etc.) We didn't expect to have visitors in the hospital, and no one asked or showed up, but by the time my calls were done, I was feeling a little lonely and I wanted to share the joy with other people. So maybe one visitor would have been nice. Looking back though, I do relish the memories of that 24 hours in the hospital, just me and DD and DH. 

Once home, we also intended to wait a couple of days before having visitors, but I really wanted to share the excitement with someone, so we ended up inviting two of our close friends over, who promised to bring sushi. And it was mellow, and lovely, and just right. They held the baby for just a few brief moments, and went home promptly. My mom flew in when DD was 3 days old, and she was a big help, though a bit of emotional work to deal with. It was once we had my mom, then the in-laws who came a week after baby was born, then friends visiting that I found to be a little overwhelming. I did make it clear though that visits were permitted on one condition - you bring food or do chores. Though I never actually made anyone do any chores. 

This time, we are staggering grandparent visits. My mom is coming for a short time right after the birth (estimated early Nov) but the in laws are not coming until Christmas. In between I'm hoping to capture the same feeling as our first visit with friends wit DD, and so I'll stagger them better. If I need help with DD, I'll be clear that it's for that purpose. I'll enlist more help from visitors. DH will have more time off this time around too (he had just 4 days last time) so I think we might have a bit of family babymoon time (excepting my mom) with minimal visitors. I'm worried about cold and flu season this time around too. 

I am glad that our family all lives halfway across the country, it makes it easier to set our limitations. 

[birdhappy85]

So has anyone invited family/friends over once your baby arrived and didn't allow them to hold him/her yet -- just take a look? I have a feeling I'm going to have this first baby and be very protective and possessive in those first days, lol. I wonder if family would be okay if they just looked that first day... I'm nervous about cold and flu season at that time like others have mentioned, too. If someone got my baby or me sick in that time, I'd be sharing some not so kind words with them and quarantining us so NOBODY can visit for a while. lol

[PumpkinButts]

I'm so glad I came across this thread, it sparked DH and I to have a discussion about this last night.    We're due in early November with our first.

Basically what we discussed is that I don't want any family except the two of us at the birth center.  I'm quite happy to have my midwife, myself and hubby and leave it at that.  His family will not be thrilled I'm sure, but they'll get over it.  I don't want the pressure of having people popping in and out and waiting for me the have my little boy...they stress me out enough as it is.

We plan to call our parents and his siblings a few hours after the baby is born.  That way we can get the exams out of the way and nurse and be able to bond and rest some before worrying about having visitors.  He has a very close extended family and we decided that we will invite other people to come by the house a few days later.  We plan to make it very well known that if anyone is sick, including our parents then they are not welcome to visit because I do not want that exposure for such an itty bitty.

Hopefully it all goes according to plan...we'll see!

[tessie]

Originally Posted by philomom 



Have to disagree. If a man wants children he needs to step up and learn how to birth them just like mom does. Do the reading, attend the classes and practice with her. We did Bradley and my hubby was not so much "the coach" as much as he was my main support person. He was so incredibly awesome. No woman could have done for me what his loving support did.... and it comes with kisses and caresses that reassured me that he loved me and all was going well.

Never, ever let a loving hubby and caring daddy out of the loop!

I'm MDC's official anti-doula.. pay a stranger to help you birth? I find it aberrant and gross.

Really, only your male partner can be a perfect support person?

[philomom]

Originally Posted by tessie 

Really, only your male partner can be a perfect support person?

For me, yes.

And I think far too many woman do not require their men to "step up" and be a great support person. They just write him off and delegate the chore/responsibility to other women. In my life, most of the women I know either had pitiful birth experiences themselves or think doctors are gods.. I wasn't willing risk having any of that energy at my birth settings. Also, if you write a husband out of baby's earliest moments... what else are you willing to write him out of? Why co-parent or be married at all, hmm? I wanted to raise my kids with a caring, involved daddy from the very first... and that's what I did. My births ...were amazing and my partner was amazing and we both brag years later about how awesome the both of us did during birthing.

[birdhappy85]

I think that's wonderful and fortunate if a woman has a partner who is able to give her the complete support she needs during childbirth, Philomom. It all boils down to what the partner is willing and able to give to the woman and what she needs support-wise during the birth. It's not quite as clear-cut as requiring your husband to "step up." Not all men (or women for that matter) have the emotional knowledge to help a woman during an event like this, and especially when it's his/her first time. If a husband isn't comfortable with the full responsibility and/or the wife wants extra support in general, then she deserves to find other support she can bring into her birthing plan. IMHO, in no way is that "writing him off." My husband is very supportive and loving, and he is helping me through whatever he can, but we both acknowledge that it would be great to have more female emotional support around me through it all. Nothing wrong with that, and I'd never fault him for it. I mean, he will be there during the birth and experiencing it all with me, so I'm very happy! I'm a very anxious person and he is very laid back, so I like the idea of having more expertise around me to reassure me that what I'm going through is all normal and fine - like what a doula could provide. I'm saying all of this before we've even started our childbirth ed classes, though. I don't know how much more we'll learn before the birth, and maybe we'll feel completely comfortable with just our midwife and her assistant. Who knows! But another note: my husband also has a severe problem with blood, even the tiniest amounts of it. It's a subconscious problem that he can't control. I used to make fun of him for it until I witnessed it firsthand and it was very bad, I felt horrible for ever joking about it. I don't want him passed out during the birth, if there's a way around it. I am sharing that because it's another point you have to consider, that our partners have their own needs and limitations as well, and we need to take their needs into consideration too. All in all, I think both the father and mother should be able to find a happy ground between the two of them during the childbirth process. It's an exciting time for your partner, too! However you can plan things out to create the best experience for both parties is most important.