Insist dd invite girl to party?

[K1329]

Dd is excitedly planning her birthday party and has invited a club from school (7 girls), in addition to a few family friends. She does not want to invite one girl from the club. While she is not my favorite either, I feel bad excluding her, when we're inviting all the other members. On one hand, I want to force the invite, and, hopefully model inclusion, yet, on the other hand, I think dd should be able to invite who she wants to her party. She's turning 8 & developing definite ideas of who her friends are. If it matters, we see the other members regularly, but, do not see this one girl too often outside of school. WWYD?

[Snowflake777]

Disclaimer: my oldest child is 3.5, so take my advice with a grain of salt. ;)

Unless your daughter finds this girl utterly unbearable, I would invite her. If she were inviting three people out of seven, ok, but leaving out just one is likely to cause hurt feelings.

I TOTALLY understand wanting to let her invite who she wants to her own party, but I also think that it's important to help her learn empathy and tact. Being courteous towards people we're not crazy about is part of navigating social life. Ask her how she would feel if the situation were reversed and she was the one to be left out.

Good luck!

[mkksmom]

I think I'd try to talk her into it. All but one kid is really tough on the one who is left out. I do understand wanting her to invite who she wants to her party. However, this is a good chance to teach her how leaving someone out can sometimes hurt their feelings just as much as hitting them. You wouldn't hit her, so let's not do something else that would also hurt. Now, if this girl was downright mean to her, that's another story.

[LynnS6]

I think that since you're inviting ALL the other members of the group, it's really not nice to exclude the one girl.

I had this with dd when she was planning her party. What I said was: "If you're inviting all the girls in your class except one, what will J feel if she finds out she's the only one not included? How would you feel if you found out that everyone in the class except you was invited to a party?" At age 8, they still need to be directed to remember how they'd feel in a similar situation.

Dd actually chose to invite fewer of the classmates and we ended up inviting about 1/3 of the class rather than the whole class, but that was a compromise I could live with. I just didn't want to exclude one child.

[K1329]

I agree with you all, thanks for replying! Feeling a little odd forcing her to include a girl she doesn't care for, and, wanted some outside input on if it is the right thing to do. Thanks & would welcome more thoughts.

[4evermom]

If it's a school club and the party is during summer break, it might be ok to not invite her.  My tendency would be to include her anyway but if your dd hasn't seen her all summer but has been getting together with the other kids, there is some logic to inviting only who she has been seeing lately. 

[AllisonR]

I agree with the others. You can't invite all and exclude just one. Even if it is summer, that one girl will find out via gossip or accident, and it will be crystal clear that she was excluded. I've seen a few posts on here about the opposite, about the one being excluded, and how much the child hurt, and how much the parent of the child hurt as well. I hope your DD has a great party.

[mamazee]

Yes, you can insist, and it's a great lesson about exclusion. Be careful to make sure the girl isn't made to feel excluded at the party. If it were any situation except "invite this whole club, except one person", I'd feel differently as I do think generally they should get to choose who they invite, but this seems like a clear case of exclusion and there will be hurt feelings if she isn't invited.

[One_Girl]

I think you should try to get her to put herself in that girls shoes and ask her what she would hope would happen if all of her friends were being invited somewhere but she wasn't.  I personally would invite all or none because these things turn very quickly.  This is also the age where other kids are going to stand up for their friends and if one or two of the girls is a friend of the excluded girl they could easily decide your dd is the mean one and turn her into the excluded child (possibly at her own party).  I don't think kids should have to be forced to be friends with people they don't want to be friends with, but I also don't think excluding one child from a small group is a good idea in the long run even if your dd wants to use her party to be vindictive in the short run.  Your dd will be that girl someday and hopefully you can talk her into doing what you know she will want done for her when that day comes. 

[CarrieMF]

For me it would depend on why your dd doesn't want to invite this 1 girl.   My middle dd has a big group of friends.  Within this group of friends there is a girl who doesn't like everyone in the group for various reasons & yet is part of this big group of friends.  My dd is one girl who she doesn't like(and it is vice versa).  This girl is vindictive & will purposely exclude & try to one-up/take attention away from the girls she doesn't like.  She tries to pit the girls she doesn't like against each other to get them to stop being friends with each other.  oh I really can't wait until there's boys involved in all of this.     I am hoping once they hit middle school & join up with 2 other schools that she'll latch onto other girls & leave these ones alone.

It has been going on since Grade 2 & they are going into Grade 5.  It was better this past year as she was not in the same class as my dd & I requested they not be placed in the same class in the upcoming year.    In the group there are 9 girls & she only likes 2 of them, but the other 8 all get along & play great when this other girl isn't around.

We do not invite this girl to our parties even though she is in the same group of friends.  I am not making her invite someone she doesn't like.   The issues started long before we stopped inviting her & inviting her doesn't change anything.

[Linda on the move]

I think it depends on how extreme her feelings are about this girl. I let my dd not invite a class mate to her party this year because the other girl is extremely difficult to be around. Extremely. it would have been a completely different party with this child.

We handled all invites and rsp's outside of school, and causualy dropped hints to not discuss the party at school because not everyone was invited. My dd is polite to the other girl at school, but on her own time I respect her right to choose who to spend her time with.

I kinda felt like we should invite the girl, and if it weren't for the amount of time I volunteer at the school I might have insisted on it. But I've been around the other girl enough to know that my dd was right, the party wouldn't have been as much fun for anybody if this girl had been there.

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by Snowflake777 

Unless your daughter finds this girl utterly unbearable, I would invite her. If she were inviting three people out of seven, ok, but leaving out just one is likely to cause hurt feelings.

I agree with this! My kids have had their own feelings hurt in the past when not included in parties or group things. :(   Not a big deal IMO but to a young child, yeah, pretty big deal.

[K1329]

Thanks for your input! We invited her & I think it was a good opportunity to discuss inclusion vs. exclusion and taking others feelings into account in our decision making process. A great learning experience!
This girl is not mean - just difficult to be around. She whines & pouts loudly when she doesn't get her way, at which point her mother gives in and all us well until the process begins again over something else a few minutes later! Hard to handle in an 8 yo - way beyond the typical age related stuff, especially if it's noticeable to the other kids, too, IMO. But, thankfully, not bad enough to overshadow a group event.
Thanks again.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by K1329 

 A great learning experience!
 

I'm glad it worked out well and that your DD had a great learning experience!

Empathy is a wonderful trait.