I need some advice from some BTDT moms please

[Kbugs mommy]

My LO just turned 10 months and has recently learned that you get angry when you cant have what you want. He learned how to walk a little over a week ago and has been really disliking his car seat and high chair because of it. He gets mad and yells at me! Not with words but like looking at me and yelling AAAHHHH! AAAHHH! AAAHH! Like hes trying to curse me out in baby language... Hes usually the sweetest most cuddly baby and is usually very happy and playful. I was wondering if there was something i could do to help him communicate with me better? He is mostly non verbal (he knows all of our names + a few more words) and we are trying to teach him some signs but he is not getting the idea so well. He has very clear communication for hungry, potty, sleepy and so forth, but just yells when he has to sit down for safety... I know hes to young to understand when i try to tell him why, but i feel like he needs to know that I'm not ignoring him. When he gets mad like that he stops trying to communicate all together. I also know nothing about teaching coping skills and was hoping some one would have some book suggestions...

Thank you for your time :) -Kassi

[LynnS6]

I think looking at this in terms of he's expressing anger rather than he's learned to do it -- he's frustrated. He's got this great new skill and YOU are preventing him from using it. Now that he's entering a toddler phase, your job has switched from meeting every cry to helping him through these trying times.

When he gets mad like that he stops trying to communicate all together. I also know nothing about teaching coping skills and was hoping some one would have some book suggestions.

Actually, when he's mad, he can't communicate. I remember reading research a few years ago that said that when young toddlers experience a powerful emotion, they cannot communicate. Communication and emotions both take a lot of energy and they can't coordinate the two.

My favorite book for this age is out of print: Parenting with Purpose by Lynda Madison. If you can't find that, Becoming the Parent You Want To Be is also very good.

It helped my intense child to have warnings for things (in 2 minutes, we're going to sit down) so that she could have transition time. (Transitions are still hard for her and she's 7). Also, keeping the language short and simple when they're upset helps. "Oh, you're upset. You'd like to walk. We need to stay safe in the car." For eating, could you hold him on your lap while he eats until he's over this phase? Get a little table and chair that he can get into and out of himself? Eventually, the novelty of walking will wear off, but he may always be an active child.

[Kbugs mommy]

I meant that he realized that he could be angry, when before it was just: i need this, you supply this and we are happy :)

I would like to be able to help him calm down somehow. He just started holding his breath sometimes too...

I think they have Parenting with Purpose at the library here! I have been trying to find some books to help me into this new chapter of mothering. Right now I'm reading Attachment Parenting by Katie Allison Granju, and The Attachment Parenting Book by Dr Sears.

Transition time may actually work. I know people who's children need time between activities but i never thought about a ten month old needing time...

I usually do hold him for eating because we are practicing BLW, so he eats what i eat. I usually put him in the high chair for a snack when i need a few min no touch time or if i really need two hands for something he cant get into. He still EBF's (no food) about 80% of the time any ways. We live a very very high touch lifestyle and both love it. He has his play alone time but he is very much into the separation anxiety stage right now so hes usually within ten feet.

Another thing is he is very rough with every one... He has never had any one be rough with him but he scratches, hits, pulls on people, etc. it's not so bad with me because i don't make a big deal about it, and gently take his hand away without changing my posture or attitude. My family however, yell OUCH! and make a big deal and are starting to want to smack his hand gently and stuff (they know better though)... He loves other children but he scares them off because of his actions. So I'm at a loss on how to show him how to be gentle with others...

[holothuroidea]

He's 10 months old !!! He is not capable of learning all of these things you want to teach him right now. You'll have plenty of time to teach him all of that stuff in a couple years. Stop worrying and give him a cuddle. 

For now, though, you don't really need to do anything when he is mad other than just validate his feelings and give him support. "Oh, sweetie, I see that you are upset." Other than that, model good behavior for him. As far as his being rough, he doesn't mean to. He doesn't have a concept that you have different feelings from him. In other words, if it feels good for him to bite you he thinks it feels good for you to be bitten. That being said, don't let him beat you up (as babies so often will), and don't let him beat anyone else up. Say, "Ouch! That hurts!" Move his hands/mouth away, if he is really unbearable move away from him. He will eventually get the picture, when he is about three years old. 

[Kbugs mommy]

Alright, thanks. That's what i have been doing. I feel bad though a lot because he is really into playing with other kids now that he can walk but they are scared of him. I usually tell them that he is to little to know how to use gentle hands but they are to little too... My family is very supportive because i am a single parent, but don't always understand why i choose to not hit or yell at him. I guess they are the bigger reason for my question about showing him to be gentle. My whole family for generations has been brought up with negative parenting. This is including spanking, using harsh words and so on. My mother is a little more open to the idea, but usually thinks i am judging her parenting in some way. I live with them because i need their support right now, so we are with them about 89% of the time. I know i don't have to explain to them about my choice but i would like them to see the reasons behind it. I guess more then anything i am feeling a little alone, in a house full of people... I CD, BF, BLW, EC part time, co-sleep, AP... and live a pretty natural lifestyle but am lacking others to share it with, or just to hear someone else who lives similarly. Or has lived similarly... I go to a small church, and live in a neighborhood with lots of families that i have tried to connect with but they feel weird about the differences or are just to busy. I just need a friend...

I'm sorry for venting on you guys. This has been brewing for a while... Thanks for listening.

[holothuroidea]

*HUG*

You will find plenty of friends here! I know it is hard to do something so against the grain, especially when you live with people who seem to constantly question what you do even if they don't verbalize it. Remember that, even though he cannot tell you, your baby REALLY appreciates everything that you are doing and how dedicated you are. Maybe when he is 20 he'll tell you that. I think I told my mom when I was 23. LOL Both my DH and I have abusive pasts that go back for generations and generations. My mom really appreciates that I am determined to break the cycle, she says that she tried her hardest (she did, life was really tough for her, though). Even at that, though, my mom still let's slip sometimes. Once she saw that my 2 year old had drawn on our couch in pencil and she said, "Did she get a spanking for that?" And I said, "Of course not. And I promise I won't beat you, either, if you spill coffee on my couch." She got the point.

PM me if you want to chat!

[holothuroidea]

Also, my 3 year old is TERRIFIED of my 9 month old, who still puts everything straight in the mouth for chewing. DD1 keeps all her favorite toys hoarded where the baby can't reach them because she doesn't want her to "eat" them. When DD2 crawls around on the floor DD1 screams, "Baby is coming to eat me!!!" and hides under the nearest available blanket. DD2 giggles and crawls faster. I've heard DD1 talk in her sleep, "My fish, my fish, don't eat it! Baby, don't eat my fish!"