making decisions

[quantumleap]

Just looking for stories about how/why you made the decision to leave your partner. I'm more interested in the stories behind those of you who left "good" relationships. I'm not dealing with abuse of any kind, just am in a relationship I should never have gotten in to in the first place.

My partner is a good guy, but he really struggles with communication and is totally oblivious to the needs of most people around him. I not too long ago had a lightning moment moment wherein I realized that, while I always knew I wanted kids, I never thought anyone would ever want to marry me, so when my husband wanted to marry me, I jumped on it more out of amazement and lack of self-esteem than out of love.

The major sticking point in our relationship is the fact that, while we discussed and agreed on goals prior to marriage, things have really changed and no longer line up. My goals remain largely unchanged, his have done a 180 in many respects (number of kids, schooling, at home parent, income levels, where we will live, etc, etc).

That said, I really do believe that marriage is a serious thing that requires work and not something that I can just walk out on. We have two young children. Yes, we've done counselling. I did not find it helpful, but he felt he learned a lot about communication. There are definitely things I can/need to work on from my end though. 

I'm feeling really lost in terms of what sort of value to ascribe to commitment vs happiness. I don't want to look back and regret staying in a situation that does not bring me joy, but neither do I want to look back and regret giving up on something I committed to. And then I also don't want to hurt my kids!

Logistics too, I have a degree, but it's not in a field I could work in very easily. I have been an at home parent for almost 3 years now, and would have to go back to school. How to support us and maintain a semblance of the life I hope to offer my children if I did leave... ??

Just looking for some" been there, done that"

Thanks.

[quantumleap]

Wrong forum, hey? Or, just wrong me! I have a serious thread-killing gift. 

[mami2f3]

I'm in a pretty similar situation and have been trying to make the choice between happiness and 'not giving up' for a few years. it's been really hard. I am pretty much at the end/breaking point now. But I keep questioning whether I should just stick with it. Even my parents tell me, "you can be confident that you have tried everything possible," but I'm still struggling. I hear or read stuff about how 'love is something you do' but I feel like I've been trying so hard for so many years to choose to love him and it's not working. I'm miserable with him.

I felt when I got married that no one is perfect for anyone and there will always be compromises. I heard and understood that you can't get everything from one person, but it just feels like there are too many big things that I can't get from him: emotional support, conversation, understanding, financial stability, a sense that we are in the marriage and parenting together as partners...I could go on.

Though he has not been financially stable, we have squeaked by together over the years, but I've been a stay at home mom the past three years and he dropped the ball and got us into a bunch of debt, so I know what you mean about the job concerns. I just started applying everywhere I could and spreading the word. I got a 3/4 time job at a pretty lousy salary teaching this year. It's not a job I particularly want, but it fits the kids schedule kind of and it's work. It's more than nothing. If you can afford to go back to school, do it! But if you can't, I do think there are things out there you can find. It's tough right now, but I cling to some of the posts here and intend that my life will get better. 

I also worry hugely about the kids. They (3,8, and 10) are so attached to both of us. 

I'm sorry I don't have words of wisdom as I haven't 'been there done that' so much as 'am there, doing that'! I really relate!

[Halfasianmomma]

I don`t think you're a thread killer...I just think single mamas are rather busy :)

As for your questions...well, it's really a matter of making the decision and then finding your path. Yes, your children will deal with a major change, but perhaps you may consider that they deserve to be parented by two happy and fulfilled adults. Can you say as much right now?

I've always found this particular tidbit helpful I was dealing with the guilt I felt over leaving, even if I was leaving an abusive situation:

"You are reading from Mars & Venus starting over. By John Gray, Ph.D.

Some people hold on to guilt because they believe that they are bad and should feel guilty for leaving a partner who feels hurt, betrayed, or abandoned. This is incorrect thinking. If we realize that a relationship is not right for us, then it cannot be right for our partner. The greatest gift we can give someone is the opportunity to find love. If we are unable to get what we need in a relationship, then we can never give another what he/she needs. We will feel too resentful. Only by leaving him/her will he/she be free to find the love he/she needs."

The last portion is particularly relevant. Your partner deserves to be happy and partnered with someone who appreciates him fully, just as much as you. By remaining in the relationship with him, you may well be denying him the opportunity to find the partner he needs to be with.

As for work, well, there's all kinds of work to be had everywhere. I also hold a degree I am not currently using. I work FT in a job I don't particularly love, but I'm well insured, DD is in an awesome daycare center, I've got an education savings fund set up for her, and I'm studying part-time to get my graduate diploma...slowly but surely, I'll change my situation. It's not a perfect trade off, but I can honestly say I'm a happier me. Perhaps you need to consider if you've given yourself that opportunity...

[simplemama32]

That's a tough decision to make...I remember so well.  I don't have a lot of time to respond, but if you take a look at some of my past threads from oh, about a year ago or so, you'll see where I was struggling with how to make a decision.  I'm amazed at how far I've come from that painful place, though there's still a long way to go!  Also, if you search this forum, there are several really good past threads about this topic.

[rubelin]

I can't entirely relate, because my ex was the one who left - I would have stayed until the bitter end though now I am grateful that he ended it.

Your post reminded me of a column I read recently and I thought it might help you. I think Dear Sugar is amazing and I get so much out of her writing. http://therumpus.net/2011/06/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-77-the-truth-that-lives-there/

[monkeybum]

I feel like I'm in a similar situation, I've never really been happy with DH, married him really because I'd just come out of a bad relationship where I had been cheated on and DS seemed like a "nice" boy-nextdoor type, and I really wanted kids and was getting older.  I was never in love with him though.  Here we are years later, both of us miserable.  DH is not always very nice, not abusive physically but very critical and demanding.  He's very lazy and very selfish.  And he's quite clear that he doesn't really care about me, he told me a few years ago that he doesn't love me and told me last year that he's only in the relationship for financial reasons.  I earn 75% of our income, he earns 25%.  I keep him in a pretty comfy lifestyle and I also do everything - with the kids, the house, cooking, you name it.  He really has nothing to offer me, and I'm only staying b/c of the guilt of whether it's really better for the kids (though they are not that close to him, but I still feel like maybe coming from a "broken" family is worse than how much he criticizes them and how crappy he makes them feel).

I am pretty much a single mom (I do all the manual labour around the house AND am the breadwinner AND primary childcare provider) except I HATE being alone, it sends me into a panic to be alone in the house overnight.  I know it's not enough to stay in a mariage, but it's expensive to divorce, it's stressful, it's hard on the kids and they'd have to change schools, move etc.  But living in such a horrible unhappy marriage is also very awful too - I have gained a ton of weight and I cry daily.  I cringe when he enters the room wondering what he'll be mad at me about this time or what he'll criticize, and I generally try to avoid him (which isn't hard considering he doesn't get home until 11pm from work and I leave for work before he's awake).  We too have tried counseling a few times with no success.

I know financially I can make it work on my own, but I know it will be incredibly hard, I will have to move to a smaller house, move the kids to new schools, and deal with my fear of being alone.  My biggest fear is dying old and alone, or if something happens to me I'll have nobody.  I don't really have that now but if I was dying he'd at least (maybe) call 911.

I know I want to leave, I just can't take that step, YKWIM?  Because we'll have these rare "good" moments where I feel like maybe it's not that bad, and I feel that I should be grateful to have somebody as there are people in Japan that have nothing and nobody, and at least I have someone.  Even if he's a jerk and makes me and the kids feel like crap a lot of the time.

Gawd, I never realized how pathetic it all sounds!  I guess my self esteem is so low right now that I don't believe I'd even meet someone better so why not just stick with the familiar, and at least the kids have their dad around for those rare "good" moments.  And being alone scares me so much. But I want to leave.  Another big factor for me is that DH plays really dirty, and he's already said he'll go for lifetime support FROM ME if I try to leave him.  He feigned an injury last year and went on disability for a long time b/c he said I made enough money and should support him, he didn't want to work anymore.  He admitted to me he wasn't really injured though.  He is also nasty and does a lot of name calling and has told me he'd do whatever it takes to get back at me if I leave him (and I wouldn't put it past him to try to take the kids away from me or something crazy, at minimum I feel sick at the thought of dealing with his anger).  I asked him to leave 3 times already but he won't go unless I pay him hundreds of thousands of dollars, he says.

I'm interested to hear about other's who've left by choice too, just from a crappy marriage.

Edited by monkeybum - 7/24/11 at 10:33am

[lac_2233]

I remember the moment when I knew leaving him was the right thing to do - the first time I said it out loud and felt the biggest sense of relief.  My ex and I were together for 12 years, but never married.  Our daughter was 2.5 and my whole world.  She was only a sliver of his which made it a little easier.  What made it hard - I loved him so much for so many years.  What made it easy - I no longer did and wanted my daughter to see what true love was like.  My parents divorced when I was pretty young, but my dad remarried rather quickly.  Him and my step mom have been together since 1987!  I wanted my daughter to know that I loved her enough to leave.  Again no abuse, not a total jerk, just financially unstable and miserable and absent and depressed, and oh wait am I just listing his bad traits?!  Sorry I could go all day doing that!  So anyways - hardest thing I have ever done.  Leaving was the easy part -  I am talking about the single parenting part!  This life isn't easy.  But it is worth it everyday.  I am happier now than I ever was with him and I have this perfect child, who by the way looks just like him!  You'll know whether its right when its right.  If you are still so unsure than that is your answer.  Give it more time if you need to,  but consider whether more time might actually change your mind or just delay the inevitable.