diana, you remain a constant in my thoughts. i love the names you gave your children.
we miss you around here.
hope that you are doing ok.
Thank you so much for all the condolences, thoughts, prayers, and support. You ladies really are awesome.
I'm doing okay, or at least as well as I possibly can be under the circumstances. Grief seems to come in waves. The first day, I felt terribly guilty. Then just sad. I'm also a little angry. I feel like I got cheated; I was supposed to have two babies, and now I'm not going to have any. It's rough. I'm waiting for my really bad day to come along, like it did after Owen's birth and before Sophia's. I know there will be (at least) one day where I'll be an absolute emotional wreck the entire day, but it's kind of nice to get it all out at once.
I'm pretty sure my milk is coming in. I was going to pump and donate it to our milk bank, but they don't accept donations after a transfusion until 4 months have gone by. It seemed like it would be a nice thing to do in the month or so before I go back to work (and probably for a while afterwards), but I can't pump and dump for 4 months. I don't think I could handle it emotionally. I'm trying to decide whether to pump and give it to DS, but there is a little part of me that worries. If my milk isn't safe enough to donate, is it safe enough for him? He's getting organic, grass-fed milk from a local farm, so I'm not sure my milk would be any healthier/more beneficial at this point.
DH and I had talked before we even started TTC this year, and we'd decided that if we ever had another loss, we'd just stop and be happy with our little family. I realize I can't make any truly rational decisions right now, but I'm fairly certain that when I'm able, I want to try just one more time. The idea of another loss like this terrifies me, and I know I'd spend my pregnancy even more anxious than I was this time. There are a lot of logical reasons against it: I have my dream job waiting for me back at work (K9 officer), it would be a financial setback to have me off work again, and it means continuing to postpone fixing up and selling our home. But I want so badly for DS to have a sibling. I want to have another newborn nurse, watch him/her learn to coo, to smile, to crawl. I want a rainbow after all of our tears... And in the grand scheme of things, it seems silly to put work, money, and the like ahead of family. I may regret not pursuing my dream job, but I think I'd regret even more not allowing another child into our hearts and lives. But I don't have to decide right now.
I think I'll officially say goodbye to this DDC now. I'm having a good day so far, and it feels like the right thing to do. I'm going to post much of my contributions to this thread to my blog (which has mostly been about fixing up our old house and our homesteading journey), and I'll continue to update there as well as in the PABL forums in case anyone wants to "follow along".
I just want to say again, you ladies have really been awesome. I'm constantly amazed at the amount of love virtual strangers can offer each other. I've seen mamas here send others their breastmilk, offer unconditional support in times of need, and cheer each other on over victories insignificant to outsiders. It's amazing, and I'm grateful to be part of it. I hope that someday I can help another mama as much as I've been helped. Thank you
Grief has a life of its own. Just let it move through you. Honor whatever feelings that come up...especially anger. I, for one, never expected such intense anger. It does feel like you've been cheated. If the grief becomes too unbearable, send me a PM and I'll send you more info on homeopathy for grief. And you may just find that you do not have to make a decision about another child for your family. Sometimes that also takes on a life of its own! Lots of love to you.
Off to read your blog...
Hi again ladies. It's been a while, but I've been lurking on here off and on and have enjoyed seeing you all progress with your pregnancies. I'm so glad you are all doing well.
I just thought I'd pop back in to say that I got a positive pregnancy test this morning You were all so wonderful during what was easily the most awful time in my life, and I'm so grateful for your care and support. DH and I are slowly healing, and in an odd twist of fate, our new bean's EDD is the same day I lost Owen (Baby A). Although I know nothing in life is certain, right now I'm feeling very happy and blessed. I hope it's okay that I'm posting here again, but I felt like you all deserved an update now that things are looking up a bit.
Love and best wishes to you all during your upcoming births!!