Yeah, I'll probably check in every day. Every night that I get through, both physically and emotionally, seems like such an accomplishment that I kinda need to share!
I came back to work today, and NOBODY knows. I had told a few people, but they didn't "spread the news" because they weren't sure how I wanted to deal with it. I'd much rather everyone knew so I don't have to tell them one by one. We have roll call tomorrow, so at least 2/3 of my shift will be there. I think I might just say something then so I can get it out of the way. Not sure how that will pan out emotionally, but if I don't, maybe I can ask someone else to once I'm out of the room. I'm okay with people knowing, it's just so hard to tell them.
Still here. 7 days down.
I had a really rough night last night. I lost a dried apricot-sized clot around 7 pm, and freaked out a little bit. I spent the rest of the evening just laying down and taking it easy, trying to feel Baby Girl moving. I started bleeding a little more, but that seems normal, since something detached and came out. I felt a little better after nothing else happened, and even managed to get to bed early.
But I must have gotten up 4 or 5 times overnight just to check and see if I was bleeding. I'd lay there in bed, and it would feel like my pad was sopping wet, or that blood was just running out of me... And I'd go to the bathroom and there would be nothing. Not that I'm complaining that it was nothing, but it sure didn't make for a restful night! On top of it all, I had some gas, and every time I'd feel *something* moving around in my pelvis, I'd kind of freak out a bit until I was sure what it was.
I was going to go back to work full time starting tomorrow, but maybe I'll wait for that magic 2 week mark. Hopefully then I'll be sleeping a little better and/or more relaxed. I'm kind of an emotional mess today.
ETA: I ended up passing another little clot, so I called my midwife. She was on her days off, but still spend about a half hour on the phone talking with me. She agrees that if I'm going to miscarry at this point, it will be a big, physically traumatic thing. Not like I'll just sit down on the toilet and have a baby fall out with no warning. I sort of assumed as much, but it was nice to hear it from someone else. She encouraged me to stay positive, since my body has done everything it could so far to keep Baby Girl safe, and even though I'm bleeding more, it's pretty obviously in response to losing clots and not totally random.
I'm still just having a rough day. All I want to do is cry. It's so freaking HARD to not know what's going to happen, on top of having lost one baby already. I don't know how I'm going to get through the rest of this pregnancy without having a mental breakdown.
I still check the toilet paper every time I use the bathroom. Every day I wake up grateful that I'm still carrying our baby and every time I feel him, it really makes me live in the moment with immense gratitude. Those living-in-the-moment moments are a hidden gift. Be in the moment. Stay connected with her. Keep praying Mama. Keep talking to her! Do you have Rescue Remedy? I would use some to help ease the anxiety. It was so helpful in the midst of my miscarriage. It calms down the mind and it works immediately. I would pamper yourself these next few weeks. Work would probably be a great distraction but at the same time, might be more stress on your body. I think it's a good idea to take it easy. Thinking of you
Diana, I just got home from camping for a week and read your news. I am so sorry for your loss of Baby A. My heart aches for you and your family. I am sending all my positive thoughts to you and that sweet baby girl B!!! You have already gone through so much during this pregnancy. Please please keep the updates coming. I hope the next 7 days are as uneventful as possible. xoxox
Angela - I might just take you up on that, the way I've been feeling today... For now, we'll just consider it a "vent".
I took a "mental health day" from work - I just couldn't bear to go in and face anyone. I couldn't even call in and talk to the secretary. She's a nice woman, but asks lots of questions, and I just couldn't deal. I know it's because she cares, she cried yesterday when I told her we had lost one of the babies, but I wasn't up for it today. I texted a co-worker and asked him to tell her to put me down for a sick day when he went in. He had taken a personal day, but he called in for me. I love my guys. I guess the secretary tried to play 20 questions with him too, but all I had told him was that I was tired and emotionally drained.
I still dropped DS off at the babysitters (my best friend's parents) and spent some time talking with them. Just normal stuff, nothing about babies or pregnancy or anything stressful. It was nice to be able to forget about everything for 20 minutes.
I came home, ate some junk food - I am SUCH a stress-induced eater! - and chilled out reading for a while. And then I had to use the bathroom. While I was sitting, I just lost it. I'm so tired of waiting for something to fall out of me every time I have to pee! I'm tired of wearing pads. I've been in the damned things for 3 weeks, and now I can't even wear cloth because I don't want to risk any infection. I'm sick of every little stomach gurgle making me paranoid, of counting the days to some magical "safe" number that will never make me feel safe, and of wondering if my body will suddenly reject the baby girl I still have growing inside me.
I now totally understand why people have scheduled inductions or c-sections. If I were 36 weeks today, I'd tell them to just cut me open and get this baby out already. I want to see her, I want to *know* she's okay instead of just waiting and hoping for itty-bitty little flutters. I want to hold a living baby, not a tiny, still being that fit in the palm of my hand.
I don't even have any tears left, but I can't stop crying today. I'm not sure what I'm even crying for. Loss of Baby Boy? Worry for Baby Girl? Self-pity? Fear of the future? I even feel sort of relieved that I'm *not* having twins, because I just was never able to wrap my head around having two babies at once. Obviously, I'd never have wished for this to happen, but... It's all just a big jumble. I know it's all normal and natural, and I'm working through a lot at one time. I know it's not all going to go away overnight. I know that it will get a little easier.
But today it all just really sucks.
yes, this. we could all sit up with you at night and listen to you all day long.
i'm growing more in love with this community every day. we really are all here for you and with you, diana.
If you're up for reading, I'd recommend the book, Empty Cradle, Broken Heart, by Deborah L. Davis. I wish I'd read it after my miscarriage, and had known about it before our son was stillborn. I found it probably a couple weeks later and was so glad to have it. It's comforting, but also is an amazing resource for information when it comes to losing a child, whether early pregnancy, midway, or even shortly after birth. I pray you don't have to deal with another loss, and even if you don't, I believe this book can help you process the death of your precious "Baby A". It's so good that you had footprints done. I know things like that are, and will remain, invaluable over time. When our son was stillborn, we took lots of pictures and we did custom cards and sent them to our friends and family because we wanted everyone to know who our son was, and how beautiful and precious he was, and always will be, to us. When we were at the funeral home I saw a neat thing, too, that they can do with some of the ashes after the body is cremated. They take part of them and can make a pendant, or heart "statue", and other things. I opted not to do that, but I have a necklace that I wear almost daily that has several "charms" hanging from it: a tiny heart with the first letter of our son's name on it, then two other silver circles that say, "I will carry you in my heart", along with a gem of the birthstone from the month he was born, and an angel's wing hanging from the necklace, as well. We made an album online using Picaboo that has lots of pictures from his birth and immediate postpartum, as well as a couple pregnancy pictures, etc. Anyway, these are just some of my "ramblings" on what my husband and I found helpful. I don't know your pain, but I know the pain of losing two of my children, one to early miscarriage, and one I held in my arms for a day. Blessings to you.
I'm so sorry... so, so sorry for what you are going through. I know some of those horrible, sickening feelings. I lost a baby at 16 weeks in October and had a natural miscarriage at home. It was awful and so physically and emotionally draining so I can only imagine the pain and anxiety you must have to have lost one already and live in fear of losing the other. Just remember how strong you are. It's the only thing that you can do really... that, and take care of yourself, allow yourself whatever emotions are welling up, and hope. I am sending good thoughts and hope to you and your family.... I really hope baby girl hangs in there.
It does sound like today really does suck.
Believe me, if we were closer I'd happily sit on your sofa and let you cry or just sit silently. I'd come armed with bags of the best junk food and we'd have an orgy of everything coated in HFCS. And sprinkles. Lots and lots of sprinkles.
That actually made me just crack up laughing. I love how when you're stressed (and pregnant) you're supposed to take care of yourself and eat good, nourishing food... But all I want is cookies, frozen chicken pot pies, and ice cream. I must have eaten 3000 calories today
Milly - I'm so very sorry for your losses. I can understand the need to want everyone to know that your baby was real, and important to you. I feel like calling it a miscarriage doesn't quite reflect the fact that I lost a baby. When I had a blighted ovum, it wasn't even a baby to me, except as more of an idea in my head. This time it was. I'll take a look at the book and see if our library carries it. Thanks so much for sharing.
moonSnail - I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby. It is draining, isn't it? And in some ways, it's very lonely, because it's all happening inside you. Even husband and partners, though they share some of the pain, will never know those physical feelings of loss. I've been good about staying positive so far, and even though I kind of lost it today, I still feel like Baby Girl is going to hang in there and make it. I just wish that were backed up by more than the fact that 7 days have gone by without any major catastrophes.
And to everyone else... Thanks, as always. People IRL don't seem to know what to say, or are afraid of saying the wrong thing. I know everyone cares, but the only one who calls is my mom, MIL, and my best friend (who lives out-of-town). A few others have sent me e-mails, but I feel a little bit abandoned. Like I told HCM earlier in a PM, it's definitely made me rethink how I've acted around people who have suffered a loss of some kind. I think in the future I'll be more proactive and less like, "call me if you need anything." Because people who are grieving don't want to make phone calls - they want people to show up and love them (although honestly, if someone besides my mom or best friend showed up right now, I'd probably lock myself in the closet and hide!).
I feel lots better after venting. Totally drained and exhausted, but maybe that means I'll actually get some sleep tonight instead of imagining things are worse than they are.
Yeah, that was a huge thing for my husband and me after our son died..we now know what NOT to do when someone else we know goes through a tragedy like that...and what TO do! Before, I sort of avoided the situation, making the typical, "call if you need anything...seriously" statement, and then not wanting to bring it up around them. Now I know, at least for me and most everyone else I've talked to who's gone through a similar situation, the opposite needs to happen. I want people to ask questions, talk about my son, anything to acknowledge his profound impression on my life. I needed people to bring meals and help without asking if I wanted it, because inevitably I would have told them no if they'd asked.
And yes, I had a desperate feeling after my son's birth to impress upon people that he was NOT a miscarriage. I'd been through that, and while painful, it was nothing close to what I experienced carrying a perfectly healthy child and then delivering him, especially at a point when he was considered viable, holding him, etc. I wanted people to know he had been a living child, with a face, a name, etc.
The good news is that we're 8 days in, and Baby Girl is still in there. Not-so-good news is that I was up with contractions for what seemed like half the night. Talk about making you paranoid, especially because the baby was lower in my uterus than usual. I can't say how many contractions or how often, because I was honestly afraid to look. I just figured if I was going to give birth, I'd know soon enough. I drank a big glass of water, laid on my side, and prayed that if this was it I'd get it over quickly. And they went away.
Looking back at DS's birth, I had a few times where I initially thought I was in labor. I would have regular contractions for an hour or so, then they'd taper off and go away. But when the real labor contractions hit, they were so much stronger than the "practice" contractions. And now that I'm awake and rational, this seems like much the same thing, more like BH contractions than the Real Thing.
This morning, Baby Girl was back up high in my uterus and I could feel her moving around. I'm feeling much, much better emotionally than yesterday, but I'm SO tired. I'd kill for a decent night of sleep. On top of all the pregnancy-related drama, we've had a plumbing back-up, flooded basement, and a $800 bill for installing a clean-out in our main drain. We'll also have bills from 2 hospital visits, though I'm praying it'll be like when I had DS and between my and DH's insurance, we'll come out free and clear. It's been a rough couple weeks. I'll take my vacation now!!