adult aspergers?

[umami_mommy]

some things about my husband have continued to baffle me for a number of years. 

the biggest thing that sticks out for me right now in this moment in our relationship is his inability to change how he reacts and interacts with me and his children. he is very rigid, very black and white, very selfish and lacking in empathy. he's read books, had therapy sessions (alone and with me), and we've talked and talked. but his reactions are the same. it's always all about him. it's nearly impossible for him to look at something from someone else's POV. and it's never ever his "fault" or responsibility. no matter what is happening. 

it has recently occurred to me that he might be autistic. looking at the symptoms online, i'd say he has quite a number of them.

i have no idea what to do.  i've ordered some books from the library, but i'm really stuck thinking about how to proceed. 

anyone have any input? 

[birdhappy85]

Have you voiced your concerns to your husband, or will he react really negatively? I have Tourette's syndrome, and while it's not related to Asperger's, I have some of the sensory issues and some of the mental blocks that I've heard people with Asperger's do. My boss has voiced concerns to me before because I have trouble with analytical tasks (most people don't know I have Tourette's; I hide it). I'm a very logical thinker and just can't process things that aren't black and white sometimes. But having it brought to my attention helps when I'm in a rational state of mind and can recognize what others are describing I'm doing. Emotionally and rationally I can accept when I've clearly made mistakes or need to make changes, etc. I've always been empathetic too (but I suspect a big reason is innate because I'm female and am more emotional). I've been in therapy for years, though. So I have that extra insight. I don't remember a lot before then, but I'm sure I got defensive easily before I gained that introspection.

Is your husband ever able to see things from another perspective? My husband had some similar issues for a while but our therapist explained that men literally do think differently than women and if they weren't "trained" in certain thought patterns growing up (typically acquired by a lot of nurturing), they have to learn somewhere else. He doesn't have any diagnosable issue; he just grew up in a bad environment. He has really improved dramatically while in therapy! (We swear by dialectical behavioral therapy, or DBT). I hear that the hardest part is to get men there. I'm fortunate that he was very willing to go to therapy and work on things. I have to add a disclaimer, though. If I had a negative attitude and acted/sounded accusatory, critical, or blaming of him at any time while trying to get him to change, it just pushed progress further behind. People naturally get defensive if they aren't approached in a helpful manner. That might be something you have to figure out between you and your husband... how your actions affect his reaction and ability/willingness to change.

I would go with your gut and just voice your opinion in a concerned and loving way. If he gets defensive, don't get defensive back. Just let him cool down and maybe approach it again another time when he has had time to let things soak in. That usually works for me. I would see if you can set up an appointment for the both of you to have a couple's therapy session together so a therapist can get both sides of the story and determine the best approach and diagnosis (if any). He really could just need therapy and not have any sort of diagnosable condition. Good luck.

[loveangel]

Originally Posted by birdhappy85 

Have you voiced your concerns to your husband, or will he react really negatively? I have Tourette's syndrome, and while it's not related to Asperger's, I have some of the sensory issues and some of the mental blocks that I've heard people with Asperger's do. My boss has voiced concerns to me before because I have trouble with analytical tasks (most people don't know I have Tourette's; I hide it). I'm a very logical thinker and just can't process things that aren't black and white sometimes. But having it brought to my attention helps when I'm in a rational state of mind and can recognize what others are describing I'm doing. Emotionally and rationally I can accept when I've clearly made mistakes or need to make changes, etc. I've always been empathetic too (but I suspect a big reason is innate because I'm female and am more emotional). I've been in therapy for years, though. So I have that extra insight. I don't remember a lot before then, but I'm sure I got defensive easily before I gained that introspection.

Is your husband ever able to see things from another perspective? My husband had some similar issues for a while but our therapist explained that men literally do think differently than women and if they weren't "trained" in certain thought patterns growing up (typically acquired by a lot of nurturing), they have to learn somewhere else. He doesn't have any diagnosable issue; he just grew up in a bad environment. He has really improved dramatically while in therapy! (We swear by dialectical behavioral therapy, or DBT). I hear that the hardest part is to get men there. I'm fortunate that he was very willing to go to therapy and work on things. I have to add a disclaimer, though. If I had a negative attitude and acted/sounded accusatory, critical, or blaming of him at any time while trying to get him to change, it just pushed progress further behind. People naturally get defensive if they aren't approached in a helpful manner. That might be something you have to figure out between you and your husband... how your actions affect his reaction and ability/willingness to change.

I would go with your gut and just voice your opinion in a concerned and loving way. If he gets defensive, don't get defensive back. Just let him cool down and maybe approach it again another time when he has had time to let things soak in. That usually works for me. I would see if you can set up an appointment for the both of you to have a couple's therapy session together so a therapist can get both sides of the story and determine the best approach and diagnosis (if any). He really could just need therapy and not have any sort of diagnosable condition. Good luck.

agree
 

[riitta]

Your husband seems like mine. We have been married 27 years, and just within this last year I have come to realize that he has Asperger's. Our daughter is 20 this year. We have had a wonderful, difficult, challenging life together; the three of us. Aspergers is hard to deal with, but at the same time, very rewarding. Dont' give up. 

[riitta]

Just wanted to add that people with Asperger's can be very loving, compassionate. Most definetily they are loyal, honest, and truthful. My husband is all that, and I focus on that when life gets challenging, which is does often.My husband keeps no secrets from me, everything is honest and open. Mood swings are there, true. But that is because something went out of the routine, or pattern. It is difficult for an Aspie to deal with sudden changes of pattern, or routine. If I tell my husband that I will go to Wal-Mart first and then to Home Depot and afterwards to Victoria's Secret, and he happens to call me and finds out that I changed the order of things and met a friend for coffee at first instead, he has difficulty adjusting to the change. And he is not even there! That is just how Aspies are! A good sense of humor goes a long way. I wouldn't change my husband for anybody. My daughter would say the same thing!

[umami_mommy]

http://www.myaspergerschild.com/2009/07/aspergers-adults-marriage.html