Gifts given and baby does not live

[Yedida]

Shalom y'all,

I'm really in a quandry here. First of all, I'm the grandmother.

My daughter did not have a shower but people from all over gave her gifts to use for the baby.

Unfortunately, the baby only lived for 20 days.

I've searched the internet for the ettiquette on this situation and have discussed it with 2 other grandmothers who have gone through it - I would just like further opinions.

We are in Ga and there is one person in Oh who is wanting the used clothing she gave to my daughter returned to her. This is not what my daughter wants to do with the gifts given to her. As of right now, she's not sure what she wants to do.

My question is: is she under any obligation to return that used clothing, or do these things now belong to her to do with as she sees fit?

Personally, as far as I'm concerned, the lady may as well have come to the door and slapped her in the face! Needless to say, after I have received some more info into this, I will NOT be the one to handle the situation (I have a very good friend who will do this for me).

[Milk8shake]

DDCC to say that I think this woman sounds like a heartless b*tch!

The very definition of gift is: A voluntary transfer of property or of a property interest from one individual to another, made gratuitously to the recipient.

Your daughter is under absolutely no obligation to return the items, as they now belong to her.  I'm glad someone else will handle this situation on your behalf... If it were me, I would be severely tempted not to even justify her request with a response. 

This post has really just ruined my day. 

[futuremamaheather]

I am so, so sorry to hear of your family's loss.

I don't think your daughter is under any obligation to deal with any of that right now, and I think the other woman is EXTREMELY insensitive to be asking for her clothes back.

In the long run, it probably will make sense to return borrowed items to the lenders, if that was the understanding at the time of the giving, but right now, grief and healing are the important things, and everyone should understand that.

[Yedida]

Originally Posted by futuremamaheather 

I am so, so sorry to hear of your family's loss.

I don't think your daughter is under any obligation to deal with any of that right now, and I think the other woman is EXTREMELY insensitive to be asking for her clothes back.

In the long run, it probably will make sense to return borrowed items to the lenders, if that was the understanding at the time of the giving, but right now, grief and healing are the important things, and everyone should understand that.

 The only think borrowed was a car seat and we have since been told to pay if forward or do whatever with it. Everything else, new or used, were given. I'm just so flabbergasted at this person and am trying to find out just how this should be handled.

Thank you everyone so far who has (and will) reply.

[Czarena]

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry for your loss.

No, she is under no obligation, as a pp said - it is a GIFT. Consider if a couple divorces, gifts are not returned. Not the same, but similar in intent.

I would also say that lent items should be returned but the mother should be allowed grieving time before having to deal with that. Lent items were probably lent with the intention of 6 months or more, so I would say that she shouldn't have to deal with any of that for at least 6 months.

[Ruthiegirl]

I am very sorry your family has suffered such a tragedy.  

And no, your daughter is under NO obligation to return any gifts and it is heartless and cruel to ask for them back.  Such sadness, such grief. I can't imagine.  

People can be cruel. 

 

[butterflyblue]

Wow, that's nerve.  I am so sorry to hear about your grandbaby and that your family is having to deal with this. 

Some parents may choose to hold onto baby things they were given as a sign of hope and optimism, that there will someday be a baby to use them, if they plan to try again.  Your daughter may or may not feel that way, but it is a possibility.  Even if not, as has been stated, gifts are gifts, to be used/disposed of as the recipient feels appropriate, in her own time.  I can see the decision to donate gifted items to charities that serve new mothers in need as also being a healing option.  Even if she wants to use them to start a bonfire, that's her business.

Again, the nerve of asking for gifts back - has that person NO empathy at all?  I would have a hard time being civil to that person, and actually, sometimes I think a little incivility can be good for a person, making them see exactly what their behavior looks like from the outside.  This might be one of those cases.

[Mummoth]

your daughter should do whatever she pleases with the gifts she was given. I'm sure most of the people who gave her gifts haven't given it a thought... any normal person would be sending condolences! It might be easier to send things back to that woman, just so your DD won't have to deal with her while she's grieving... she sounds absolutely vile! I'm sorry you're family is going through this, no one should have to lose a baby.

[waiting2bemommy]

maybe those items are reminders of her baby. What a terribly difficult thing to go through.....I can't imagine being able to part with either of my children's belongings if God forbid something happened to them. I'm sure I would feel that those things were all I had left of them, and really the same for my SO. I can't imagine getting rid of his clothes/personal items if something happened to him. So the person who asked that is beyond insensitive and cruel. I would probably tell her off, but that's not the nice thing to do. Either way, your daughter should only be worrying about healing and making it through each day. She should not be worrying about whether people want their gifts back.....how bizarre. I"m so sorry for your family's loss.

[APToddlerMama]

Originally Posted by Yedida 

My question is: is she under any obligation to return that used clothing, or do these things now belong to her to do with as she sees fit?

I am very sorry for your loss. 

No, she is under no obligation to return anything.  That is so ridiculous.  I would never speak with that woman ever again and move on.  Wishing you peace and healing. 

[McGucks]

I am so saddened to hear that you lost a grandchild and your child her child.

I have never heard of such a callous request.  I have never had the urge to swear on MDC, but this is an unthinkable request and I am shocked to think anyone could be this awful.  I would personally think I'd never again speak to that "friend." 

My heart goes out to your family for having to deal with the terrible loss and having to worry about something stupid like etiquette at a time like this.  There is no etiquette required of the grieving when dealing with this kind of situation.  It is incumbent upon everyone else to be kind, careful, and compassionate. 

[minnowmomma]

Originally Posted by butterflyblue 

Again, the nerve of asking for gifts back - has that person NO empathy at all?  I would have a hard time being civil to that person, and actually, sometimes I think a little incivility can be good for a person, making them see exactly what their behavior looks like from the outside.  This might be one of those cases.

Yeah this!

[Mizelenius]

I am so, so, so terribly sorry for the loss of your daughter's (and your) little one.  My heart goes out to you and your family. 

This person asking for the clothes back seems to have no empathy, as others have said.  I cannot understand how someone would even think of making a request of any kind to a mother who has just lost her baby.  She should instead be sending her gifts, cards, and letters, not making demands.

If your daughter is emotionally OK with sending just this woman's clothes back, then I would do it.  I would not want anything associated with this kind of negativity and would want it gone.  Not for etiquette reasons at all, but just to be done with this lady.  I think that might be my last contact with her, too.  Everything else she should hold onto, and decide in her own sweet time what to do with it.

You are wise to have a friend help you with this-- your friend is a keeper!

Much love to your family.

[Lisa85]

First off, I'm so sorry for you and your daughter's loss.

This lady is out of her mind. The gifts given are your daughter's to do what she wishes with.  If she wants to keep for a potential next child, fine.  If she wants to donate, fine.  Return for store credit, fine. Return to original gifter, fine.  It's her decision and how insensitive of this woman to ask for clothes back, even if they were "on loan" until baby outgrew them.

[Milly_P]

DDCC  I'm so sorry for your daughter's (and your) loss. My son was stillborn last year and I was grateful we hadn't bought much for him because he was the next in a line of boys for us. However, the things we had purchased, or had been given to us, and the things I'd pulled out of storage just kind of had to "sit" for a while until I figured it out. I would encourage your daughter to take her time in figuring out what she wants to do with the items. It could take weeks or months, heck, even years, to figure out what to do with it all, and that's o.k. There's no need for her to rush to make decisions, in fact, there is a need for her NOT to rush into making decisions that aren't crucial right now. She might, eventually, want to save a few special outfits in a memory box in the house, and then simply store the rest in the attic/garage until a later time when she can deal with it when she's ready. Another option that might be healing for her would be to donate items to families who have babies in NICU at the hospital, or special needs babies, etc. Just some ideas. Oh, and of course, I agree with all the previous posters that the woman asking for things back should be ASHAMED of herself! I hope someone in the family can take over communication with this woman so your daughter doesn't need to speak with her about this again.

[mama2sully05]

I am so terribly sorry for your family's loss. What an unspeakable tragedy.

As for this woman demanding her gift back...absolutely disgusting. No way is she entitled to get her gift back. She is, however, entitled to a punch in the face.