A fear of playdates for DS age 4

[greektome2]

My DS age 4 is a very difficult child. He has been since birth. Could not keep him out past 8 pm even as a baby or he would have terrible fits. Needs sturcture! He has allergies (peanut and soy). As he has gotten older I have found he just can handle playdates unless I am watching over him. When get goes to other homes and I pick him up I always get "well he was a little difficult". Here are some of the things he does:

1. Dumps toys all over play room if unattended.

2. Naughty talk beyond normal.

3. Just gets crazy and yells and causes trouble and tries to get his friends to be naughty with him. Throws things and doesn't stop moving or talking. He usually does not get invited back.

My GD therapist has suggested I let some of this behaviour play out and not control hover. He needs to learn how to control himself with/o my involvement. This Summer I have pulled him form most playdates other than one with my friend who knows him well. However even she I can tell is getting worn out and distanceing herself. I feel sad, angry and scared he won't have freinds. Even I get so tired of his beautiful voice by 10:00 AM.

[4evermom]

I find your therapist's advice very odd.  IME, kids can need a ton of guidance with their interactions at age 4.  I never dropped off my son at that age (he wouldn't have liked it and I wouldn't have done that to a friend, lol).  If he got out of control, we left, even if it involved picking him up and hauling him out.  Usually his issues were being tired or hungry.  Since he wouldn't eat if he was wound up, I couldn't usually just give him a snack unless I removed him from the situation.  My son made associations very easily.  This meant if he did a certain thing at someone's house, he would do it the next time he was there.  That made it important to nip things in the bud, so to speak, to guide his behavior.

It is normal, especially for boys, to "inventory" toys.  They pull them all out just to see what there is without actually playing with them.  That could be the root of the dumping.

Also, physical kids don't always respond well to verbal directions.  Since, by the time my ds was 4, I had already said every blessed thing, I made a point to not talk too much.  Ds already knew what I was going to say.  He just didn't have the impulse control to keep himself from doing whatever was tempting him.  So instead of talking and explaining and explaining and talking, I'd just take action (whatever seemed required, removing toys being roughly misused, taking ds into a different environment, etc.)

Your ds will learn to control himself.  But not until he has more impulse control which will come with more maturity and age, not from being given no guidance.

Playdates at playgrounds can be a great idea at this stage.  "Moving and talking" and yelling aren't as overwhelming to others when outside.  And you don't need to worry about other people's things.  It could be a play room full of bins of toys isn't the best environment for your ds right now.

[freestylemama]

I agree that 4 seems too young for solo (non-babysitting) play dates. 4 year olds still need a lot of guidance regarding how to negotiate certain situations.  Do you reciprocate these play dates? I honestly can see why he's not being invited back- the whole thing sounds exhausting.  I can't handle DD's wilder friends solo.  I'm happy to see them with their moms (when their moms are hands on parents), but I'm not interested in guiding another child whose house rules are really different from ours.  That said, her "wilder friends" are pretty much all of her friends because 4 year olds are wild and need guidance and structure.  Your son sounds like a normal kid who needs some help learning to respectfully interact with others.  You can very much be a gentle parent and still parent and teach your kid to interact well with others.

[Lolagirl]

I have to say all of the stuff you described in your post sounds utterly developmentally normal for a 4yo kid.  That doesn't mean that it isn't challenging and exhausting at times to deal with, but I really think it's over the top to describe any of that behavior as being the hallmark of a "difficult child."

I hope this doesn't come off as sarcastic or unhelpful, because my intention is simply to reassure you that your little boy sounds like a spirited and high energy child, and, in my experience, he sounds like 80% of every other child in that age group that I have encountered in my 6 years of parenting kids of my own.  In fact, he sounds a lot like both of my older boys, and every educational and medical professional who has met them agrees that while they are both very energetic and at times challenging, they are also bright, inquisitive and totally normal for their age.

I also think it's perfectly reasonable for a 4yo to still need adult supervision and guidance during playdates or even while at home alone.  Some kids are more adept than others at understanding and reading social cues from adults and other peers, and it's simply something that may take more time and patience for those who are slower to develop their social intelligence skills than it does for others .  That's why kids have parents in the first place, to help them understand how they fit into the world around them and to give them the knowledge and skills they need to successfully negotiate their way.

I'm a bit curious about this GD Therapist of yours and what her purpose/credentials are supposed to be.  While it's great that you've sought out some guidance on how to best set your son up for success, I really hope that the therapist understands to work with your son's personality in a positive way that doesn't affect his self esteem or self image.

Good luck!

Edited by Lolagirl - 7/23/11 at 6:49pm

[Honey693]

Originally Posted by Lolagirl 

I have to say all of the stuff you described in your post sounds utterly developmentally normal for a 4yo kid.  That doesn't mean that it isn't challenging and exhausting at times to deal with, but I really think it's over the top to describe any of that behavior as being the hallmark of a "difficult child."

 

I agree with this.  I haven't met a 4 year old yet who doesn't do those things.  You said earlier that he needs structure.  I would give him that along with as much physical activity as you can handle.  Set up weekly play dates at the park or pool with parents and kids.  Do family walks/bike rides after dinner.  Come up with a routine and stick to it as much as possible.  Plus if you're outside all day then there's less mess inside for you to clean up :)

[Fay]

The way we learn to self-regulate is to have external regulation first, then over time we internalize the regulation.  Your DS still needs external regulation from you.  My boys are the same way!

[Tigerchild]

Sounds like all playdates need to happen at your house for awhile, so that he can practice but still have a safe support system.

You can be honest when he is asked over "DS would love to play with Sammy, but he's not quite ready to go over to other people's houses just yet.  Would it be all right if Sammy came over to our house instead?  I'd love to get the boys together!"

Will some people find you weird?  Sure...but if you let him go over with really intense behavior and unsuspecting people they'll think a lot worse things.  IME, the moms who get it will understand, those who won't will be willing to go along most of the time, there will be some that won't and isn't that just too bad for them.

But I would set your son up to fail;  which it sounds like, developmentally 'normal' or not, he certainly will with not closely supervised playdates at this point in time.  You can always re-evaluate at some point in the future--but why not save yourself some anxiety (and avoid damaging relationships) and just be willing to host playdates for awhile.  IT doesn't have to be super often.  Make a commitment for one every month/two months/whatever you think you can handle reasonably, and stick to that for 6-12 months, then re-evaluate.

[greektome2]

Thank you for this. I have received great feedback. A big part of my pulling playdates is due to my realizing he is just too young. The thought of switching weekly with another parent was enchanting but too soon. I just love this forum. Thank you.

Edited by greektome2 - 7/23/11 at 9:02pm

[greektome2]

You are correct, calling my DS difficult was a bit strong. I couldn't sleep last night worrying about him so it came out that way at 2 AM. It relieves me to hear that what I have described sounds normal. Especially by someone who has been through it. I suppose lately I have been feeling a bit judged and comparing too much.

In defense of my GD therapist, she has been amazing. When she advised me to sit back, she meant in a class room or sporting event environment to give myself a break. Allow the teachers and coaches set the boundaries. Seeking support for myself to help me be the parent I want to be and admire has been a life saver. This past Winter I felt lost and over my head in my parenting style. She gave me "Playful Parenting" and "Unconditional Parenting" to read they have been so helpful. I am learning how to raise boys...it is foreign to me and now I play, wrestle and get silly. Talk about a way to reach them. Wonderful. She also suggested me to come here to seek guidance. I am glad I did.  

Edited by greektome2 - 7/23/11 at 9:18pm

[greektome2]

Would someone please give me a few examples of what "self regulation" is? I received some advise about teaching my DS self regulation and I am open to hear how that would be defined to a four year old. Thank you!

[4evermom]

Originally Posted by greektome2 

Would someone please give me a few examples of what "self regulation" is? I received some advise about teaching my DS self regulation and I am open to hear how that would be defined to a four year old. Thank you!

I'm not really sure one can actually teach self regulation.  I think it's more like you let the child know what appropriate behavior is and intervene when necessary until they have the maturity and impulse control to not need your help, for instance with turn taking.  And you help them recognize their body's cues.

When my ds was 4, I was happy if he realized he was hungry and asked for food (even if it was a cookie) rather than just getting wild.  He would tell me "it's bedtime!" when he was tired.  Those things are self regulation and were the two main things I was concerned about when ds was 4.  All his behavior issues seemed to stem from being hungry or tired.