I keep a journal on www.livejournal.com.
I've been writing volumes trying to work through everything that I'm feeling. This is something that I just wrote there, but wanted to post here as well.
I was trying to explain to DH the other day why I've taken this so hard. Because on some level he just doesn't get it. As long as we've got a healthy baby, etc, etc. And it occured to me that a big part of this for me is about rites of passage. And that maybe it's harder for him to get it as a man, because men don't really have the same rites of passage regarding their bodies.
Getting your first period is obviously a big one. Losing your virginity can be another. But*birth* - now there's a ritual. Heck, look at all the other rituals in the world - so many of them are designed to simulate birth in one way or another... This is powerful, symbolic stuff. And I had really, strongly embraced my planned birth in that way. What was my plan? To let my body show me the way. To give my intellect over to the physical, animal part of me. To travel through "laborland" (as my childbirth educator calls it) and come out the other side, a mother.
I don't want to just *have* a baby. I want to *birth* a baby. And that's what I'm so sad about the possibility of losing that opportunity. That instead, my birth becomes almost the epitomy of intellectualized - a highly trained man, standing over my womb with a knife, carefully plucking this little life out of my and bringing it into the world. That's it exactly - it's that *he's* the one who gets to bring the baby into the world, not *me*. That's what's bothering me. That's why this is so painful. Huh. I've been pondering writing this for a while, but hadn't had the time to sit down and do it. I'm glad I did, even though it was hard and I'm crying a little bit now. Because the more I understand, the more I can hope to accept.