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Breech and Depressed - Page 3

post #41 of 62
Thread Starter 
Thanks, OTF.

So how did you get past it? I'm worried that I'm not going to feel like a *real* mother. Like I've failed somehow, even though I've done everything that I could. How do you go beyond that?
post #42 of 62
Quote:
Originally posted by tammylc
Thanks, OTF.

So how did you get past it? I'm worried that I'm not going to feel like a *real* mother. Like I've failed somehow, even though I've done everything that I could. How do you go beyond that?
First of all I felt I failed on several levels. One not being able to "birth" my baby, not listening to my baby by trying to do all these things to turn her that landed me with an emergency situation, and missing out on her first day of life because I was given amnesia medication.

The first step for me was talking about it and also knowing that no matter what I could have done, my destiny was not to "birth" babies through my vagina. I had been a pretty judgemental person, armed with all this "knowledged" with how the medical community was evil, blah, blah blah -- I'm sure you know what I am talking about. <wink> I learned rather quickly that you can do all the right things, make all the right choices, and still end up iin an OR having a baby for various reasons, some of them youhave no control over of at all. I found a lot of support on the internet. I was new to it then and so it was a good outlet for me because many of my friends who had never had babies and my family really didn't understand why I just wasn't happy I had a healthy baby.

I did suffer through post partum depression and post traumatic stress disorder. I did not seek treatment for either one of them, which looking back I regret. I also looking back that some of it could have been avoided had I had certain information. I would have made different choices for one.

My healing really didn't come full circle until I get pregnant with my last baby. We adopted our middle child, and another full term pregnancy didn't look to be in the cards for me. I had a high risk, every intervention (many by my choice) pregnancy. However it was the most healing journey and I had a wonderful supportive doctor who let me pour over her medical journals and books, and allowed me to bitch and cry in her office any time I wanted. I also had a very well thought out idea of how I wanted the next csection to go and planned accordingly. I had a wonderful csection, and it felt just as empowered by that experience as any other experience in my life. I knew at that moment when they lifted Jack out of me, that I didn't have to have a baby to come out of my vagina to feel that rite of passage -- because for me, bringing babies into the world was through a hole in my belly. I had a practically pain free recovery. I bonded well with my baby, and I was VERY VERY happy with my experience.

With my second full term pregnancy, I really listened to my body and my baby. Something I didn't do as well the first time. Elizabeth was breech similar to your baby, her head was up in my right rib cage and she was laying at an angle, a weird transverse. What I didn't know was that her legs were hooked around a septum in my uterus and that is why she was in the weird breech and why she couldn't move. (the left side of my uterus is smaller) She was definitely breech for a reason, but I was desperate for a natural vaginal birth. I knew that once I got a cut on my uterus my chances would decrease in being able to get that. I really felt robbed.

I don't feel robbed anymore. Maybe in my next life!
post #43 of 62
Thread Starter 
An update...

I had my external cephalic version this morning, but it didn't work. Little Bean looked great on the monitor before the procedure, and I was not in a tremendous amount of pain or discomfort, but they could only get her to turn so far, and then her heart rate would go down. We tried twice, and the same thing happened both times. We didn't want to stress the baby any more, so we stopped. Her heartbeat recovered well and was racing away in her typical 150-160 range when they unhooked the monitors. She gave a great big kick when we got them all off - I don't think she likes monitors very much. And she's been squirming around plenty since then, so it would appear that she weathered the procedure well. I've promised her that all the poking is now done, and she can just relax until it's time to come out.

I'm feeling surprisingly little soreness in my abdomen - less, in fact, than when my midwives tried a week ago. Probably because the doctors didn't have to fight with my uterus because of the terbutaline shot.

So unless Little Bean decides to flip on her own, we'll be delivering via c-section a week from today (1 day after my due date). I doubt that she will turn - she was very very active last night, and I could tell that she was trying really, really hard to get head down, but the same thing would happen - she'd get so far, and then just pop back up. I don't know if there's some obstruction in my uterus that's blocking the way, or if her cord is too short and gets compressed when she tries to turn, but at this point I'm pretty sure there's probably a physiological reason that she's head-up. I just found out yesterday that 3 of my paternal grandmother's babies were breech, so maybe it's something genetic.

Emotionally, I'm pretty numb right now. When I was hooked up to the monitor after the procedure, every time I would start to cry the baby's heart rate would jump up, and I'd feel bad for causing her even more stress, so I've just been trying to remain as calm as possible. She's had a rough day. And so have I.
post #44 of 62
to you, Mama.

Try to make your birthing as peaceful and welcoming as possible within the parameters of a safe birth for you both.
post #45 of 62
I'm sorry your version didn't work. I had a very similar experience -- babe got about transverse then had really significant heart rate drop. I know it is so disappointing and feels so unfair.
Your feelings -- whatever they may be -- are valid. I hope you and those around you will allow yourself to feel them and to grieve if you need to, even as you joyfully welcome your baby.
A great resource for me has been ICAN and the ICAN email list, but be warned it's VERY high-volume:
http://www.ican-online.org
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ICAN-online/

Yours,
Cassidy
post #46 of 62
Tammy,

I am so glad your baby recovered well and that after two tries you decided to go no further. I hope in the next week you can make peace with having your baby in an OR. I wish I had had that kind of time.

Your baby did exactly what my daughter did. Would get so far and then return to the same position. I wuold say based on that one of two things are going on, there may be a cord issue or you may have a misshaped uterus. It these two reasons do not apply, maybe your daughter has other plans for you.

I wish you well and I will be sending positive baby vibes to you all week!

Kim
post #47 of 62
Thread Starter 
Not sure that I'm really dealing with this yet. I'm doing and saying all the right things, but I think on some level I believe it's all just a bad dream that I'm going to wake up from any time now. Sigh.

I was gonna be good at labor. My body was made to do it - they don't call these childbearing hips for nothing. I'm really, really sad about not getting to do that. I want to rail and scream and fight against the world. I know that life isn't fair - I've had my share of reminders - but that doesn't mean that I have to like it.

If I were going to have my baby the normal way, I'd be getting excited now. I've been having contractions on and off since yesterday. Nothing strong enough or frequent enough to indicate a problem with the procedure, but just the usual "39 weeks pregnant, body is gearing up to do its job" kind of contractions. Makes me wonder if I'll make it through until Monday, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Sometimes people have pre-labor for weeks.

I'm trying really hard to focus less on me and more on the baby. When I'm out at stores or restaurants or wherever, people all want to know when the baby's due . When I tell them "in a week" they all say "Oh, you must be so excited." And I know I'm supposed to be excited. But I haven't been excited since I found out about Little Bean being breech. I've been focused, and dedicated, and perseverant, but I put being excited about my birth and my baby on hold. I had just started being excited about it when we got the news. Before that I'd still been so enraptured by being pregnant, that I wasn't reallly looking ahead to what came after. But around 37 weeks, once I was full-term and knew it would be safe if the baby came, my excitement and desire to meet Little Bean started to creep ahead. Then it all came to a crashing halt, and I'm having trouble jump-starting it again.

I know that everything - the c-section, the baby's health, bonding afterwards, my recovery - will be improved if I can approach Little Bean's arrival with joy and excitement and anticipation. And I'm trying to keep up my "fake it til you make it" face. But it's so hard, when every little contraction makes me so sad.
post #48 of 62
I know how you feel Tammy. I even felt that way after my birth with my daughter. I just had a hard time coping with all that happened. And I Was really sad because she was getting all this attention and I was traumatized (by the emergency c, the version, the drugs) and I was "dismissed".
You have a little time to deal with these things.

But I didn't know this: you are going to find out the sex of your baby and that is very exciting! (though I am betting girl) You can have a mirror or something set up so you can watch. Be sure to talk to the doctor about holding the baby up over the sterile field so you can see them all knew, fresh and screaming. Have your husband announce the sex. Also most hospitals will let you have a second person in there, have them take pictures or video.

Also ask if your husband can cut the cord, they may or may not let him. My husband didnt want too! Which aggravated me.
post #49 of 62
Thread Starter 
I think I would like to watch, but my husband is extremely squeamish (like pass out level squeamish) so we'd need to arrange things so he didn't have to look. Not sure what we'll decide there. But he definitely won't be cutting the cord!

It may all be a moot point, actually, since the guidelines I got from the hospital say I have to remove my glasses before the surgery, and I'm blind as a bat without them. I'm going to schedule an appointment with my OB this week to ask him a ton of questions, including how flexible that rule is. I'd like to at least be able to put them back on while they're stitching me up, since DH will be holding the baby up by my face where I can see it.

And I am only allowed one person in the room with me. Given DH's squeamishness, we'll probably wait to take pictures until we're in the recovery room.
post #50 of 62
I don't know if you are planning this, but one thing that really helped me recapture some of the excitement/joy of having the baby was to wait until labor started for the birth. It was important to me to let the baby pick his birthday and to get to experience at least some labor. He was my first baby so I figured the chances that he would come so fast they couldn't do the surgery were minimal, and he was butt-down complete breech so cord prolapse wasn't a big concern. As it turned out, I had him at 2am at 40 weeks and 6 days.
There are some downsides to this -- like that 2am surgery -- so I understand if others would choose something different.
It also helped to do fun baby stuff in the days near the end -- setting up baby furniture, folding the little clothes, buying last-minute things...
BTW there is no medical necessity for taking off your glasses. I had mine on.
Best wishes to you.
Cassidy
post #51 of 62
Tammy,

I'm so sorry.

You truly did everything you could to try to encourage her to turn. I acknowledge your intuition; when they won't turn there is a reason. Sometimes you find out the reason and sometimes you never do. Trusting the baby's decision to stay head up takes courage.

I've often wondered if it is an advantage or not to have advanced knowledge of the loss of your ideal birth dream.

At least you have the benefit of planning your c-birth, and I want to mention one thing about that: talk to the doctors about single versus double layer closure. Some studies have suggested that you have less chance of rupture with a VBAC with double closure than single closure, (some have not) but single is faster to perform and bleeding is decreased, so it is the preferred method. If you want, you can find the studies on medline.

Good luck, I can't wait to hear of your bean's birth!
post #52 of 62
Thread Starter 
Double suturing is standard practice with my OB.
post #53 of 62
Of course you must do as you think best for your health. However, if you are still in a space where you feel like reading alternatives, I urge you to read this wonderful article, Birth Surprise in Jerusalem. This woman's twins were both breech and she could not find a practitioner in all of Israel to allow her to deliver vaginally. It is a really nice story but may be upsetting for you given your current situation, so please don't be offended or upset by my posting it.

http://midwiferytoday.com/articles/jerusalem.asp[/URL]
post #54 of 62
Quote:
Originally posted by tammylc
I think I would like to watch, but my husband is extremely squeamish (like pass out level squeamish) so we'd need to arrange things so he didn't have to look. Not sure what we'll decide there. But he definitely won't be cutting the cord!

It may all be a moot point, actually, since the guidelines I got from the hospital say I have to remove my glasses before the surgery, and I'm blind as a bat without them. I'm going to schedule an appointment with my OB this week to ask him a ton of questions, including how flexible that rule is. I'd like to at least be able to put them back on while they're stitching me up, since DH will be holding the baby up by my face where I can see it.

And I am only allowed one person in the room with me. Given DH's squeamishness, we'll probably wait to take pictures until we're in the recovery room.
Tammy,

Guidelines given by the hospital can be waved by the doctor. I would ask to have your glasses. I know several who were able to have them. I think you need to say that this is very important to you. You need to stress that you had planned one kind of birth and that since this is completely the opposite of what you had planned, you really need some things to make you feel at peace with the alternative. If the OB is compassionate, which I pray they are, then they will work to accomadate you. My OB broke rules for me -- the doctor is the boss and what they say goes. Just make sure they sign off on your birthplan in case there is any question. Be confident when you talk to the OB about all these matters and take note cards if you need too. I think you will find that they will work with you.

Kim
post #55 of 62
You can also have more than one person with you even if it is generally hospital policy not to. This is a good reason to have a doula if you don't have one already. There are all kinds of ways a doula can be helpful at a cesarean birth. Usually if parents want both the father and the doula the different practitioners say it's up to the other guy; the ob says it's up to the anesthesiologist so you ask her and she says I have no problem with it, it's up to the ob. Eventually you can get everyone to agree and one of the things you can say is that you are very upset about this surgery and need the support of the doula. Because once the baby is born and they take the baby to the nursery you will be alone with the hospital staff otherwise.

When I attend cesareans I usually then stay with the mother at her head and talk with her through the suturing and so on, which can take quite a while. Then it is difficult for some mothers and fathers to wait through recovery until they are given a room and their baby is brought to them. In some hospitals this takes hours, and if the parents want to be sure someone is watching the baby at all times (nowadays they don't usually let parents in the nursery because, they say, of the privacy laws), then the mother is alone in recovery. Then the partner is torn between his wife needing him and someone needing to be with the baby. If he is on the scene with the baby continuously he might also have a better chance of getting the baby out of the nursery earlier. Some hospitals are better than others about having the baby in the recovery room with you.

Even if you just can't get them to give on the presence of the doula in the operating room, at least you will have someone with you beforehand, in recovery and afterwards, who is there to answer any questions and keep your spirits up. It also provides some continuity through the whole process.

Even though this surgery is not your choice, keep in mind you are hiring these people to perform it and you have every right to let them know you expect your demands to be met or you will take your business elsewhere. You might not feel inwardly you would really do that, but the attitude makes a difference in how much you can get them to do for you.
post #56 of 62
I just thought of something else. Since your csection is planned. Be sure to ask the doctor if you can recover in a labor and delivery room and not a recovery room with other moms. Both hospitals I delivered at do this standard but the other two hospitals in the area house you with other mommas and will not let you have your baby until you get moved to a room. There should be no reason why they cant put you in a L&D room for an hour or two with your baby. I was only in there an hour and a half.

All this talk about having babies makes me want to have another!
post #57 of 62
Thread Starter 
This is how the hospitals regular procedure has been described to me. After the birth and while I'm being stitched up, my husband will be given the baby to hold up near my head so that I can see and touch them. Just before they're done and ready to transfer me, my husband and the baby will be taken to the recovery room and will be there when I arrive shortly thereafter. Once in the recovery room I can hold the baby and breastfeed, etc. After some time for monitoring in the recovery room (not sure how long), I'll be moved into a regular "Mom and Baby" room for the rest of my stay. DH will stay with the baby at all times.

So it sounds like my hospital and doctor's regular practice is already in line with what you all are suggesting. They did sound pretty strict about only one person in the actual OR, though (but I think I can have more than one person in recovery with me).

I still have to talk to my midwives about what support I want from them. I'm thinking may ask one to be there at the time of the surgery. That way, if anything should go wrong with Little Bean, DH can stay with the baby but I won't be all alone in recovery.
post #58 of 62
Thread Starter 
WOW.

I'm going to have a BABY today.

Insert mixture of awe, anticipation and terror here.

Thanks to everyone for all of your support. No internet access in the hospital, so I'll see you all in a few days.
post #59 of 62
Sending you lots of love and healing vibes...

warmly,
claudia
post #60 of 62
Thread Starter 
It's a Baby!

Liam Benjamin McGlohon
April 26, 2004
12:18 pm
7 lbs, 10 oz
21 inches

http://public.fotki.com/tammylc/liam1/

Delivered via scheduled c-section when it became clear that he really preferred his head up top near mom's heart, and not down in the birth canal where it's supposed to be.

Mom and baby are home and doing very well. Better, in fact, than I expected to be both, both emotionally and physically. Especially now that we've got a handle on our nursing issues. Speaking of which, I think it's time to wake up my sleepy little boy for his dinner... More later.
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