|Originally posted by tammylc
So how did you get past it? I'm worried that I'm not going to feel like a *real* mother. Like I've failed somehow, even though I've done everything that I could. How do you go beyond that?
First of all I felt I failed on several levels. One not being able to "birth" my baby, not listening to my baby by trying to do all these things to turn her that landed me with an emergency situation, and missing out on her first day of life because I was given amnesia medication.
The first step for me was talking about it and also knowing that no matter what I could have done, my destiny was not to "birth" babies through my vagina. I had been a pretty judgemental person, armed with all this "knowledged" with how the medical community was evil, blah, blah blah -- I'm sure you know what I am talking about. <wink> I learned rather quickly that you can do all the right things, make all the right choices, and still end up iin an OR having a baby for various reasons, some of them youhave no control over of at all. I found a lot of support on the internet. I was new to it then and so it was a good outlet for me because many of my friends who had never had babies and my family really didn't understand why I just wasn't happy I had a healthy baby.
I did suffer through post partum depression and post traumatic stress disorder. I did not seek treatment for either one of them, which looking back I regret. I also looking back that some of it could have been avoided had I had certain information. I would have made different choices for one.
My healing really didn't come full circle until I get pregnant with my last baby. We adopted our middle child, and another full term pregnancy didn't look to be in the cards for me. I had a high risk, every intervention (many by my choice) pregnancy. However it was the most healing journey and I had a wonderful supportive doctor who let me pour over her medical journals and books, and allowed me to bitch and cry in her office any time I wanted. I also had a very well thought out idea of how I wanted the next csection to go and planned accordingly. I had a wonderful csection, and it felt just as empowered by that experience as any other experience in my life. I knew at that moment when they lifted Jack out of me, that I didn't have to have a baby to come out of my vagina to feel that rite of passage -- because for me, bringing babies into the world was through a hole in my belly. I had a practically pain free recovery. I bonded well with my baby, and I was VERY VERY happy with my experience.
With my second full term pregnancy, I really listened to my body and my baby. Something I didn't do as well the first time. Elizabeth was breech similar to your baby, her head was up in my right rib cage and she was laying at an angle, a weird transverse. What I didn't know was that her legs were hooked around a septum in my uterus and that is why she was in the weird breech and why she couldn't move. (the left side of my uterus is smaller) She was definitely breech for a reason, but I was desperate for a natural vaginal birth. I knew that once I got a cut on my uterus my chances would decrease in being able to get that. I really felt robbed.
I don't feel robbed anymore.
Maybe in my next life!