What do you do when you are out with friends who parent differently than you, in re: free-range,... - Page 2

[Czarena]

btw, I tend to end up distancing myself from those parents. Not because they are wrong, they are doing what they feel is best for them. But because I can't handle the stress of worrying. I don't want to feel like I need to be more strict with my children, try to enforce different rules for someone else's comfort, etc. So I end up not putting myself into that position. Just like I tell older children - remove yourself from the situation if it's uncomfortable.

[1love4ever]

OP, I have the same problem with a neighbor even though our kids are only 18 months old.  I agree with keeping it simple and minimal rules, I dont think kids should be prevented from being kids, running around is only natural, and as long as you or someone else is there to supervise and make sure they are not disrupting anyone, I do not see the harm.

Anyway, my problem is that my neighbor will yell at, point her fingers at, and spank her 18 month old for things that he does that half the time are just an accident, or if she even THINKS he is going to do something wrong, she will yell and spank, and it makes me sad.  I will allow DD to run around in the yard if we are talking right there for example, but sometimes for no reason she just wants her son to stand by her, and if he does not she spanks him and yells at him while DD is running around causing no harm and just being a kid.... 

I feel that it is up to each parent to decide what is best for their child and to do what is best for them, not what others think is best for their or your children.  You chose to let your kids run around instead of making them sit for 20 min which sounds reasonable to me, that was your choice.  Maybe the other moms will see that there is no harm in letting their children just be kids, and maybe it is actually good, because the kid that runs around outside more will likely be easier to deal with when its time to go home because they had time to run around and play, if they just sit then they will still want to run and play at home where they may not be able to.

[mambera]

Originally Posted by sosurreal09 

She is a baby...unfortunately their kids are too and they expect adult things from them and then brag that "their kid cleans up all of their toys etc" Well I do not expect that from my baby and I don't think it's good for them to either.

Slightly OT, I don't know your DD so you may be right about her specifically, but in general I think it's totally developmentally appropriate to teach a 22 m/o about putting toys away.  The 18-24 month group at my DD's Montessori is expected to put each toy back on the shelf before they take another, and none of them have any problem with this system.  I'm not sure why you say it wouldn't be good for them?

[choli]

Originally Posted by mambera 

Slightly OT, I don't know your DD so you may be right about her specifically, but in general I think it's totally developmentally appropriate to teach a 22 m/o about putting toys away.  The 18-24 month group at my DD's Montessori is expected to put each toy back on the shelf before they take another, and none of them have any problem with this system.  I'm not sure why you say it wouldn't be good for them?

I agree. We've always lived in the city, hence in a relatively small space, so I started the "respect for shared space" training very young indeed.

 

[starling&diesel]

To each their own.  We all have our differences, and so long as what other folks do doesn't violate my own code of ethics or values (spanking, CIO, etc), we can all hang out, doing our own style of parenting.  No biggy.  Our kids are still little, though.

My dd is 2.5 yrs old and is the one walking ahead half a block down a major, urban sidewalk along a busy street.  She stops when asked.  Often, we're walking with other kids who are in strollers, or who are holding hands with parents.  It's never been an issue, as far as I know. 

[MJB]

I'm pretty strict when we are in public-- I would definitely not let my kids wander around a restaurant. If they couldn't stay in their seat we'd have to leave. Honestly, when we go out with friends whose kids are less well-behaved, I don't expect them to follow our rules. I do, however, avoid repeating the experience if I feel embarrassed by their behavior. 

[mamazee]

Originally Posted by MJB 

I'm pretty strict when we are in public-- I would definitely not let my kids wander around a restaurant. If they couldn't stay in their seat we'd have to leave. Honestly, when we go out with friends whose kids are less well-behaved, I don't expect them to follow our rules. I do, however, avoid repeating the experience if I feel embarrassed by their behavior. 

I wouldn't let my kids wander in a restaurant either, but I'm a little confused because that wasn't an example given in the OP. She gave two examples: outside when cleaning up after going to the beach, and outside of a restaurant. I'd be fine in either of those examples, but not in a restaurant where people who have paid to sit and enjoy their meal would be bothered.

[MJB]

Originally Posted by pammysue 

They often ask their children to do things that I don't feel are developmentally possible. And their kids spend time in resturants playing on iPods or smartphones. I don't judge them, but we don't feel it is right for our children (and can't afford iPods or smartphones) so we spend time walking around or other distraction techniques. 

That's where I was getting wandering around the restaurant from. I might have misinterpreted, if so, sorry! 

[scottishmommy]

Originally Posted by choli 

I agree. We've always lived in the city, hence in a relatively small space, so I started the "respect for shared space" training very young indeed.

 

ITA. DD is expected to clean up her toys, clean up food that fell on the floor during meals, put her dirty clothes in the hamper, etc. Of course we are very playful about it, but still I don't think there's anything wrong with toddlers cleaning up after themselves.

[mamazee]

Originally Posted by MJB 

That's where I was getting wandering around the restaurant from. I might have misinterpreted, if so, sorry! 

Oh well I didn't catch that. IMO iPhone > wandering around annoying people in a restaurant. But also IMO wandering around outside a restaurant = fine.

[starling&diesel]

Originally Posted by starling&diesel 

To each their own.  We all have our differences, and so long as what other folks do doesn't violate my own code of ethics or values (spanking, CIO, etc), we can all hang out, doing our own style of parenting.  No biggy.  Our kids are still little, though.

My dd is 2.5 yrs old and is the one walking ahead half a block down a major, urban sidewalk along a busy street.  She stops when asked.  Often, we're walking with other kids who are in strollers, or who are holding hands with parents.  It's never been an issue, as far as I know. 

I wanted to add to my previous post to mention that I'm also the parent that requires manners and certain behaviours in places like restaurants and other adult settings.  Even though other kids might be running around screeching while we're in the coffee shop, dd is not allowed to do that.  Another example is that I don't let her run through a gaggle of pigeons, even though other kids do.  And if she wants a treat at the bakery, she asks nicely for what she wants, pays for it, takes her change, and says thank you.  And she cleans up after herself (we're also in a small space).

What I'm getting at as that as a parent, I am part free-range, part high-expectations ... as are most of my other parent friends.  

I think we have an unspoken understanding that we don't comment on each other's style. 

[nina_yyc]

Parenting is such a sensitive topic, it's really hard to bring up differences with friends.  I think what I would do is tell my friends that I felt awkward about what happened in X situation and see what they say.  Could be they feel as awkward as you about the whole thing and it might be nice to clear the air.  I have been on both sides as the strict mom and the permissive mom.  Sometimes it is not such a big difference in parenting philosophy as it is a reaction to the particular moment and individual child.

There is one friend I decided not to ask to the playground anymore because she was on the extreme end of caution with our then-3yo's and I'm of the philosophy that you can climb anything you want as long as you can get yourself down (and my kids are monkeys.)  We just did other stuff with our kids.  If you're compatible friends it's worth it to work something out.

[midnightwriter]

I'm often in a similar boat. My kids are usually allowed more, in terms of how far they can wonder, what they can climb, how fast and where they can run,  and so on. I find it often awkward if another parent has stricter rules, as it limits my kids' play as well. My kids might want to wade in the water, as usual, and their friends might not be allowed to take their sandals off. I feel bad for the other kids, who want to join mine, and I feel bad for mine, who have to adjust their play. Not the end of the world, of course, but I'm sure such discrepancies are annoying to both parents.

What I do depends on the situation, ages, and what kind of friendship I have with the parents. If it is a good friend, and I value the relationship, I talk to my kids and remind them that other parents have different rules and expectations, and that they might want to alter their play.

If it is a casual friend, and my kids don't care much for the other kids, and my kids had already planned on wading in the water to catch minnows, and brought their nets, I'm not going to tell them to stop what they were set on doing, even if the other kids are not allowed.  I don't think that a less strict parent should always accommodate more restrictive parents.

[1love4ever]

Quote:

Originally Posted by midnightwriter 

If it is a casual friend, and my kids don't care much for the other kids, and my kids had already planned on wading in the water to catch minnows, and brought their nets, I'm not going to tell them to stop what they were set on doing, even if the other kids are not allowed.  I don't think that a less strict parent should always accommodate more restrictive parents.

I agree!  I find that it is often the less strict parents trying to accomodate the stricter ones, why is that?  Why is it not the stricter ones trying to accomodate the less strict ones!  And I also find that it is the less strict worrying about how they appear to the more strict ones, what to do around them, etc.  To each his own I guess, but I do not think that a person should ever compromise their own values because of another parent. 

[swd12422]

Originally Posted by 1love4ever 

Quote:

I agree!  I find that it is often the less strict parents trying to accomodate the stricter ones, why is that?  Why is it not the stricter ones trying to accomodate the less strict ones!  And I also find that it is the less strict worrying about how they appear to the more strict ones, what to do around them, etc.  To each his own I guess, but I do not think that a person should ever compromise their own values because of another parent. 

I'm a "strict one" and I do try to accommodate the less strict whenever I can. It's a great reminder that I need to lighten up now and then, and some things just aren't that important, or it's okay to make an exception for a "special" occasion. That being said, we just had a playdate with a friend whose mom has even stricter rules than we do, and makes no exceptions. I felt bad, but at the same time I honored her enforcement and the kids had a great time.
 

[sosurreal09]

IDK I just don't like forcing my baby to do things I guess. She sees me put them away and she can help me but I am not going to yell at her to put every little things back especially when she is non compliant about it. I suppose if she were eager to do it and liked doing it then sure I would encourage it but not to the extent my friend has b/c her DD is really paranoid about it now. My friend will be sitting on the couch and yell at her to put it away (a lot of time when she is still playing with it even)...IDK it's not like she's 3 y/o and has chores or something,...

Originally Posted by mambera 

Slightly OT, I don't know your DD so you may be right about her specifically, but in general I think it's totally developmentally appropriate to teach a 22 m/o about putting toys away.  The 18-24 month group at my DD's Montessori is expected to put each toy back on the shelf before they take another, and none of them have any problem with this system.  I'm not sure why you say it wouldn't be good for them?

[1love4ever]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sosurreal09 

IDK I just don't like forcing my baby to do things I guess. She sees me put them away and she can help me but I am not going to yell at her to put every little things back especially when she is non compliant about it. I suppose if she were eager to do it and liked doing it then sure I would encourage it but not to the extent my friend has b/c her DD is really paranoid about it now. My friend will be sitting on the couch and yell at her to put it away (a lot of time when she is still playing with it even)...IDK it's not like she's 3 y/o and has chores or something,...

I agree, some things are just not that big of a deal to me.  I think it causes a child stress if an adult is constantly forcing them to do things, especially things that they are not quite able to learn.  My almost 18 month old can put things back when asked, but I have to ask every time, and sometimes if she really likes it she wont listen, and that is fine with me usually, because I figure she really wants it for a reason- that reason being that she is likely trying to figure it out, explore the object and learn about it.   When I am really interested in something, it would not be fair for someone else to come along and make me give it up or take it away from me if I wanted to hang on to it for awhile, and I feel that the same respect should be given to a baby/child in a similar situation.  I think a lot of people feel that a child feelings and needs are inferior to an adults, or not as important, but I think that they need to be shown just as much respect as an adult.  Yelling at a child to put something away when they are using it?  Not a very nice thing to do, would that mother do the same thing to her husband or friend?  Just my opinion I guess.

[Tjej]

Originally Posted by 1love4ever 

Quote:

I agree!  I find that it is often the less strict parents trying to accomodate the stricter ones, why is that?  Why is it not the stricter ones trying to accomodate the less strict ones!  And I also find that it is the less strict worrying about how they appear to the more strict ones, what to do around them, etc.  To each his own I guess, but I do not think that a person should ever compromise their own values because of another parent. 

I'm one of the more strict parents and I don't think you know when a parent is being accomdating or not.  It isn't like I announce that I am letting up my rules or anything like that.  The balance of combining kids from different rule sets (and the enforcers for both sets are there, so the sets are still there) is tricky.  I know I have compromised more than I felt good about at times, and have learned from it.  I don't worry about how I appear as far as strictness goes, but I do care about the friends we are with and being kind to them.  I think that if the "strict" and "non-strict" sides are going to fight about who suffers more it will wreck relationships (like if spouses fight over who does more). 

Tjej
 

[mambera]

Originally Posted by 1love4ever 

Quote:

I agree, some things are just not that big of a deal to me.  I think it causes a child stress if an adult is constantly forcing them to do things, especially things that they are not quite able to learn. 

Sure, I'd agree with that.  I just don't see that putting toys back is something that needs to be 'constantly forced,' nor is it something a toddler is (in general) not able to learn.  DD learned it in one day, her first day at Montessori, by watching the other kids. She saw them do it, so she did it.  Then she translated it to home on her own initiative, which was awesome.  Peer group expectations are a powerful thing.

My point is just that putting toys away is not (in general) a developmentally inappropriate expectation for a toddler.  Obviously there are gentle and effective ways to teach this and other skills, as well as harsh and ineffective ways.  That's a separate issue.

[coffeegirl]

Originally Posted by Alyantavid 

I don't do anything.  I have certain rules for my kids and I expect them to follow them even if another kid isn't expected to do the same.  If my kids are doing something another parent doesn't allow, I do keep mine from trying to get theirs involved but that's it.

Yeah, I think this is reasonable. Just don't even worry about it. The differences don't seem to be THAT huge, you know? Only thing I can add on a personal note is in your first example....I'm assuming the other parents were wanting their kids to sit out of the way of the moving, right? If that was the case, then that would be one of the times where I might reign mine in a bit more than I normally would to mirror what they were doing. For two reasons, general etiquette and courtesy to the other parents, and the practical issue of none of y'all wanting kids underfoot while you're moving stuff. KWIM?