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My husband and I cannot reach an Agreement! help. :(

post #1 of 31
Thread Starter 

So I've done so much research for the pro's and con's of being circumcised. I tried to keep an open mind, my Husband has his foot down and wants our son circumcised like him. I wanted to do the best thing for our future son and I was shocked with the things I learned about circumcision. I'm completely ANTI circumcision now and I want our son intact. But my husband wont listen, he doesn't care about the facts all he cares about is that intact penis' look "gross". This infuriates me and almost makes me wish We were having a girl instead, I just want to protect my son from an unnecessary and quite painful and irreversible procedure. Any idea's on how to persuade my husband to seeing my point of view? I've mentioned why not keeping him intact since we cannot agree this way he can someday have it done, where as if we do it now he can never go back. But my husband argues that it's gross and he wouldn't want an adult to do it, if you don't do it as a child than it's stupid to do it as an adult. ( which makes no sense to me )

 

By the way if you are undecided I highly recommend spending just a few hours doing some thorough research ( why not it's your sons future we are talking about ) I came across several youtube video's that were startling and changed my mind immediately! 

You do have to sign in due to the graphic nature of the video's 

the first one is very informative and here is the link ----> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D_dzeDvx2QA

 

This second link I warn you is shocking and made me sick but I think if you are willing to circumcise your son than it is important to see the actual procedure itself -----> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDuDhkiDdns

 

And lastly I came across a book that I found to be very informative as well. -->  http://mensightmagazine.com/Articles/Fleiss,%20M.%20Paul/tellaboutcirc.htm

 

Sorry this was so long, I'm just so frustrated and Not sure how to get through to my husband, we never disagree but on this we just can't. :(

post #2 of 31
Many mom's here have went through what you are including my dh. Though he was not as adement as your dh he was for circ. But in the end I told him it wasnt being done because I refused to sign for it. Now he is fine with ds being intact but he still isnt anti circ. I am sure you will get lots of advice and you might also do a search of the forum looking for help with dh.

He is currently having issues directly related to his own circ and it makes me so mad to think that it could have been avoided had his parents just said no.
post #3 of 31
Thread Starter 

Thankyou, I've been reading through the forums and I'm realizing I'm not alone in my situation. 

 

And I'm sorry to hear that he is having issues now :(

post #4 of 31
Ds is almost 7 now so my issues where quiet a long time ago. It turned out OK but it was still very stressful thinking my dh wanted to do that to my ds and me hating the fact I was going to have to be stubborn and tell him no when I was and am still not used to doing that.
post #5 of 31

All the experts say that both parents should be in agreement with a circumcision otherwise don't do it. You don't mention what your husband's reasons are for wanting circumcision. Does he really know? I don't mean the reasons he's stating, but the REAL reason.

Sit him down in front of Circumcision Decision-Maker. It will take him through a process to determine what his real reason is and then give him some expert advice.

post #6 of 31

Some thoughts for you:

 

Your husband should not use bullying tactics and anger for this decision.  You need to be strong and insist that he come up with a rational argument why circumcision is a better choice than leaving your son intact.  His argument must explain and provide references that you can refer to.  He must be able to explain why the trade off of violating your son's human rights, doing it before your son is old enough to make his own decision, and losing highly valuable part of his anatopmy is worth whatever the percieved benefits are. 

 

If all he is doing is putting his foot down, then that is not enough.  As parents, you should be making the decision in the best interest of your son, not becuase your husband has trouble dealing with it, or becuase your husband is afraid of some imagined consequences.

 

If he cannot do this, or there are signficant uncertainties abdout some issues, such as sexual pleasure and function, then the correct choice should be to do nothing, keep the healthy default, and let your son decide when he is an adult.

 

Here is a good reference:

 

http://www.doctorsopposingcircumcision.org/pdf/GenitalIntegrityStatement.pdf 

 

Unfortunately, you will have to be stressed and strong.  Your husband sounds like he has taken the fearmongering and mis information to heart.  Do not let him bully you.  Make him be a man, a rational man, that is strong enough to do the best for you son.

 

Regards

post #7 of 31
Thread Starter 

Thank you for all the input, The circumcision decision maker is nice I'm going to have him look at that and the article about DOC is really helpful. I also am trying to understand why my husband is so offput by the idea of being intact. And his reasoning for it is simply he thinks it looks "gross" and weird. That is why it is so frustrating to me, because to me he's showing me how small minded he is, and he is not, I married a smart man and I don't know why he feels this way about circumcision. :(( 

 

I read another article that suggested he might be reacting this way because he is circumcised and if he admits that it might not be necessary than that would mean that his' is somehow wrong or not perfect. ? I'm beginning to think that it is more of a psychological thing for my husband like he has to prove that him being circumcised is the right thing and therefore his son should be too. ERG

 

Either way I'm staying strong and doing what I feel is best for my son. Thanks all a lot for the support!

post #8 of 31

I've seen this many times before. He is operating from "private logic." To him, "normal" is having a big scar running around his penis. It's not his fault, it is what he's lived with his entire life, and he's probably rarely seen an intact penis. Saying NO! to circumcision would first require him to admit he was sexually maimed as a infant by his parents. That's a huge leap. To avoid this discomfort, he is essentially passing this primal wound on to the next generation to deal with. Since he is lacking courage on this topic it falls on you to encourage him, which literally means "giving him your courage.' He'll get over the "grossness" after a few baths and diaper changes. They all do, and some day he'll thank you. It just won't be tomorrow.

 

post #9 of 31

Two things that I did:

1. Changed *my* language and stopped saying things like "I will not let our son be circumcised!"  Because that essentially pushed my partner from the decision.  Now, I would NOT have let my kid get cut, but the old man needed to feel like it was a conversation and not an order, yk?

2. After many, many, MANY arguments I opted to write a letter with all my main bullet points.  I was able to rationally explain my reasoning and he was able to read at his leisure without all the emotions that come with a spousal fight.  After having the letter for a few weeks he just came home from work one day and said that I was right and he saw my points.  I have no idea when he read it or how long it took to absorb, but it worked. 

 

The son is 18 months and I still think my husband would be perfectly fine if was circed, but it's a non-point in our lives now.

post #10 of 31

You are absolutely right.  See if you can get your husband to watch a circ video...... chances are good that after that, he will not be wanting to circ your son!  Also there is much information about sexual dysfunction related to effects of circumcision.  I don't know a man, who would agree that taking a chance like that is a manly thing!  Just lay out the facts and let nature take it's course, I am guessing that he will see the light on this issue and want to protect your son!  Circ has been such a taboo subject and that is why there is so much misinformation out in the world about it. The only way to stop such an abusive practice is education.  There are many good internet sites to connect with,  NOCIRC.com is a really informative one to get information from and also NOHARMM.com  I suggest you print out the good information from these sites and ask your husband to read it.  good luck!

post #11 of 31

Here is an article that tries to analyze the mental aspects of circumcisioon and men,  some have found it helpful.

 

http://www.udonet.com/circumcision/vincent/vulnerability_of_men.html 

 

Best wishes

post #12 of 31

I was going to reference this same article. It's very enlightening!  Also, Penn and Teller have a critical, entertaining, and informative 3-part show on circumcision (search YouTube for: Penn & Teller Bullsh!t Circumcision), in case your hubby might be interested in them.
 

You know the truth about male genital mutilation, which is wonderful! I urge you to not let yourself be bullied into this simply to spare your partner from confronting uncomfortable feelings surrounding his own (unfortunate) victimization. Best of luck to you!

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Greg B View Post

Here is an article that tries to analyze the mental aspects of circumcisioon and men,  some have found it helpful.

 

http://www.udonet.com/circumcision/vincent/vulnerability_of_men.html 

 

Best wishes



 

post #13 of 31

I told my dh," Not your penis,and it is not mine.We are not going to do cosmetic surgery on our boys genitals." I faced social and religious pressure.It was tense but time passed,and it is no longer an issue.My boy has made it clear no one is going to cut off parts of his penis. I am glad I was able to protect him even though it would have been far easier to go along with what others wanted.To me it really just did not make sense that we were even arguing over this.It seemed insane to think we even had a right to make this serious decision to alter our childs sexual organs.Something that would affect him for the rest of his sexual life.

 

Stand firm.Your child can do it later if they want.

 

It is difficult for a circumcised man to come to terms with the fact that they will never experience normal sex due to the decision their parents made to forever alter their sexual organs. For many it easier to simply continue the cycle by circumcising their own children.Same thing is done  by women to their daughters in some countries.

post #14 of 31

Natasha, I'm sorry you and your Dh are in disagreement.

 

Since circumcision is an operation, I believe it should be treated with the same diligence we, as parents, would use for any other operation our children might need. Have your DH discuss these with your doctor (especially if you already know that the doctor doesn't recommend circumcision).

 

I have two sons, and between the two of them, they have had 7 operations. All were pretty minor, but none were taken lightly.

post #15 of 31

... is there any way you can show him images of intact penises so that he might get a good idea of the wide range of appearances there are (as there are with circed ones too)?  i know most guys aren't going to go for "hey honey, can we look at some penis pictures?" but i think there's a pretty good page of illustrated ones in the book The Guide to Getting it On.  (which is pretty interesting in its own way).  does your library or a friend have a copy of that you can borrow?  or i think (can't check "penis" while i am working) there are some images even in the wikipedia article.

he might just think they look odd because he's never seen one (or very many) yk?  good luck.  stay strong, protect that sweet baby!

post #16 of 31

Just wanted to chime in with support for the OP. 

 

I hope you both can come to an agreement. In our case, DH (who is circed) mentioned that he would like it done, but coming from my background (where all the men are kept intact) I told him that I couldn't see a reason for it. Personally, I have a lot stronger emotions about it all (first, it's totally not what I was raised with and I feel it is a human rights issue and an ethical one...doing cosmetic surgery on minors who cannot consent), but I kept the discussions low key, casual, all that kind of stuff. I didn't want to put it in DH's face that I thought he was maimed, or lacking or whatever because he'd been circed. That wouldn't have been useful for the conversation.

 

In the end, he agreed to keeping DS intact. I think looking at his perfect little body when he was born and recognizing that if we did it, he'd be putting his son through pain and bleeding raw wounds just reinforced his view that keeping him intact was the right thing to do.

 

Good luck...let us know how everything goes...

post #17 of 31
Thread Starter 

Thanks everyone for all your helpful tips and lots of support, it was really more than I could have asked for! You all really helped me feel soo much better about staying firm in my decision. And today my husband although not very happy about it acknowledged that  we would just keep him the way he was born, since I'm the mother and I feel so strongly about it. Now this isn't exactly the response I wanted ( I wanted him to feel just as strongly about it ) but I will take it, at least he is allowing our son to stay intact! I feel relieved. Just wish I could help him feel better about the choice to not have his son circumcised, I think as time goes on he will grow to feel better about it ( I hope anyway ) 

post #18 of 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by Natashaj View Post

Thanks everyone for all your helpful tips and lots of support, it was really more than I could have asked for! You all really helped me feel soo much better about staying firm in my decision. And today my husband although not very happy about it acknowledged that  we would just keep him the way he was born, since I'm the mother and I feel so strongly about it. Now this isn't exactly the response I wanted ( I wanted him to feel just as strongly about it ) but I will take it, at least he is allowing our son to stay intact! I feel relieved. Just wish I could help him feel better about the choice to not have his son circumcised, I think as time goes on he will grow to feel better about it ( I hope anyway ) 


take it. rejoice. be grateful. this is as good as it gets, mama! most men who were circumcised have a VERY hard time letting their sons stay intact. but all the wife has to do is stand firm against doing unnecessary sugery. (ie., he has to prove to you why it's necessary to do medically unnecessary surgery). also, good to know, is the fact that if your son is born in a hospital (where most circumcisions are performed on neonates), the MOTHER is the patient, and therefore must sign for the procedure. simply refuse the procedure.

 

as for him feeling better about the decision to leave your son's penis alone, i would probably stop talking about it altogether. (just smile to yourself that you are relieved of the stress of worrying about this anymore.) once the baby is born, and your husband has a few days to bond with him, he will see how perfect the intact penis really is.

 

(and as the mother of an intact toddler who enjoys lots of naked time, i can tell you that the foreskin gets a lot of use by little one's fingers, and it obviously feels good or he would not be doing it. if anything your husband will observe this himself, and might possibly (probably) think that's a pretty nice addition to a penis (or to put it another way, it was a pretty big subtraction to have it removed.) at which point -- even if he never says a word about it to you -- he is feeling good about giving your son the gift of having whole genitals.

 

congratulations! good job!

 

post #19 of 31

I'll chime in with a tip that my midwife gave me, but it does come with a gamble.

 

She said coaches women in your shoes to *agree* to go along with circ if--and only if--the father is the one who takes the baby in for the procedure.  She claims that the sweeping majority of the time, guys get cold feet.

 

Your DH may be an exception though, and therein lies the gamble.  Maybe employ this tactic as a last resort, e.g. if watching the graphic video doesn't seem to change his mind.

post #20 of 31

why would she offer to "let him" do a circ when he has already agreed to forego it? she should simply stop talking about it with her husband at this point, and hold the ground for "no circ" when the OBs start pressuring her after giving birth.

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