grandma drama

[jeslynn]

Sorry if this is in the wrong forum - I wasn't sure where this should go.

Long story short my mother is constantly starting drama with me. She says she'll see my son and then back out or say she never made those plans. He's getting hurt deeply and she's saying that I am turning him against her. When in actuality, I'm the one reassuring him - he's just coming to these conclusions on his own. Everytime I talk to her she stresses me out and makes my blood pressure rise. She is also with a mentally abusive boyfriend even though she doesn't see it. She doesn't like that I say I don't like him and that I don't want my son near him. When I tell her that she needs to keep her promises and stop talking garbage, she threatens to take me to court for visitation with him. Does anyone have idea if she can do this? I live in NY if that helps. I don't want to keep him from her since she's the only Grandma that is even semi in his life, but her attitude has got to change. Any ideas? Thanks guys. I am at a loss!

[crunchy_mommy]

Just looked this up quickly so I can't guarantee its accuracy,

What rights do grandparents have to custody and visitation with their grandchildren?
Where either or both of the child’s parents are deceased, the grandparents may petition for visitation. If both parents are living, the grandparents must show that they enjoyed a positive relationship with their grandchildren, and then found themselves shut out altogether, or that they were denied access from the outset, but made efforts to establish a relationship with their grandchildren which were rebuffed. In these cases, the petitioning grandparents will likely be granted legal standing to sue for visitation. Once the court decides that the grandparents have standing, the court will then determine if grandparent visitation is in the children’s best interests. Generally, grandparent visitation is one to two days per month.

http://www.nyfamilylaw.info/site/Custody_and_Visitation.html#TXTOBJ7D774501B81F40

This is kind of appalling to me that grandparents have any kind of "rights" in this matter except if the grandparent served as a primary guardian at some previous point or something. I don't think this is the law in all states, or at least I hope it isn't...

Maybe it would help if you sit down and set straight what she needs to do to be in your child's life. So that might include not cancelling plans if it's not an emergency, not having abusive BF around when your kid is visiting, or whatever you feel is necessary. And then, if she can't meet those conditions, it's all on her (and showing that you made this effort, with reasonable conditions, would presumably help if she did try to take you to court!)

[SuburbanHippie]

If she can't even commit to seeing your ds, I doubt she would follow through with her threat.  I'm sorry she's such a flake. 

[jeslynn]

Thank you SO much for the information! My husband and I were speaking (well more like I was venting and he was calming me down) and I've decided to keep a notebook of everything - everytime she cancels plans, has an attitude, phone stalks me, etc. This way we've got some sort of record showing whats been going on. I hope and pray this can be taken care of in a civil manner, but with her I never know. Thank you again!! <3

[swd12422]

Ugh, how awful.

Is she in denial that their feelings get hurt, or does she just not care?? Either way, since you can't change her behavior, all you can do is try to protect your kids as much as you can. Don't tell your kids they're going to see her til she's there. That way, they have less opportunities to be disappointed. It's not a great solution, and I'd certainly talk to your mom and let her know plain and simple what your conditions are (on-time, no cancellations, no boyfriend, etc., whatever you want) and if she wants to see the kids, she has to follow your rules. Your house, your kids, your rules. Period.