Are all 7 year old girls miserable, or is it just mine? Need Support

[Ravenlunatic]

Okay so I have now for the second time this week told my 7 yr old DD that she is a miserable child.  This distresses me a great deal since I don't think it is a good idea to do that.

Basically my child IS miserable so much of the time (with her attitude) that I no longer can tell if it is true misery, like she is just not a happy kid or if she has some personality issue or if it is ME or what?  Here is an example.

So today she wakes up and we have what I would consider a normal back and forth.  She wants to watch more cartoons and eat brkfst in front of the tv.... I say tv off and come to the table (she complies with huge attitude) and so I tell her to go back in the living room and come get brkfst without the attitude (she does her best) and we eat brkfst in peace.  Later on I say I'm going to make chocolate zucc. bread for her and her dad.  I get the rolly eyes and tilted back head "I haaate zuccinni bread".  I return with "don't worry I'll put some m&m's in some so you can have sweet bread if you want.  She continues her rant about hating zucc bread.  When I remind her that she ate all of the last zucc muffins I made her she retorts with, "yeah, but I hated them".  Okay fine.  So I kind of ignore it and figure if she doesn't eat them she doesn't eat them.  So we make them together because she wants to measure and pour and mix and all.  Whenever she gets a chance to scoop up some batter into her mouth she does.  I tell her she can lick the mixers and the spoon at the end but that she can't just eat heaping spoonsfuls of raw batter.  I get more attitude and finally break.  Tell her she is miserable and that she can't have it both ways.  She can't rant about hating the muffins and then rant about not being able to eat the batter.

I am a crazy person right now.

She does this with many things and sometimes I can roll with it realizing she is figuring out who she is.  But really if I am mean and nasty and very strict she is a much more tolerable person.  Where if I am nice and caring and accomodating she is impossible!  I don't want to be a mean mom but since about 6.5 yrs old I have really had to raise my voice and be much meaner than I like.... I would know it was ME being a 'bad mom', but it works.... what to do? 

[pigpokey]

Mine has her moments also.

[One_Girl]

I wouldn't say that my dd was ever a miserable child overall, but she did and still does go back and forth with decisions.  She also sometimes does some pouting, stomping, eye rolling, dramatic sighing, etc... when she doesn't get her way. 

It seems like my dd went through a really bad phase of this until I learned not to feed into her and to just flow with it, empathize some without getting drawn in, listen but not jump in to try to solve the issue, and I started focusing on doing the things we enjoyed doing together (reading, watching a movie, walking for coffee) more frequently.  Keeping the boundaries and expectations very clear also really seemed to help her a lot.  It may be that when you are acting in ways you think are mean you are also being very clear and consistent with your boundaries so your dd knows what to expect but when you are calm you may also be very inconsistent with boundaries until you reach your frustration point again.  It may help to keep the firm boundaries even when you are calm.  Kids are going through a lot developmentally at this age and having to constantly guess at the boundaries may be adding a layer of stress to your dd's life that she can't name but is reacting to negatively.  At first she will probably push harder if she is used to you giving in when you are calm, but once she realizes that you are being calm and consistent you may find that you both feel better.

[Ravenlunatic]

Hey, thanks for your comments.  You some good insight and it helps to get a new viewpoint.  I think you are right in that I am more clear when triggered.... I just have to learn to be a little softer around the edges when I have to be firm.  Thanks so much.