Overestimating Abilities/ Impulsiveness

[zh97]

Hello mama's!  I am having a difficult time sorting out challenges I have with my 12 year old DD.  I wrote about a similar issue two years ago and was given great feedback.  It was helpful to go back and read and yet, this issue persists.  

DD wants to be famous.  She says she thinks it looks "fun."  So, any chance she can, she wants to get up on stage to sing.  There was an open mic at an event we were recently at and she got really excited in the "this is my big break" sort of way.  She decided to sing a Katy Perry song that she did not know the lyrics for (or the melody for that matter.)  And she did get up, but of course only made it halfway through the song until she couldn't think of any more lyrics.  Also, she looked visibly "bugged" while up on stage and told me after that "there was no one there" (there was only about 3 people in the audience).  

We have had some discussions with me being rather frank about what I see and she has quite frankly replied that I'm a mother who doesn't believe in her.  She has others constantly tell her how wonderful it was she got up on stage (because they themselves couldn't do it, not because they thought her performance was spectacular), other kids who say she's got a good voice and I'm the "only one" who doesn't think so.  I feel trapped between being encouraging and being honest.  I feel like I should be both, but it just doesn't seem to be working.  She also believes that she doesn't need voice lessons because she was enrolled in choir a few years ago and learned "everything" there.

I'm frustrated because she wants the end product without doing the work.  Any ideas?  

[NellieKatz]

 This is interesting. Your comment stood out:
" I feel trapped between being encouraging and being honest.  I feel like I should be both, but it just doesn't seem to be working."
I say Neither.
Maybe instead of the two choices of (1) Encouraging, (2) Honest, you could add (3) Silently listening (and reflecting back her feelings as a way of Active Listening). Acknowledging, without giving any advice unless it's sought. (I got this idea from the P.E.T. books and also from reading things by Haim Ginott)
 
In other words, like so:

DS:  All my friends think it's awesome that I got up on stage!
You: Your friends wouldn't do that sort of thing?
DS: No, they'd be too afraid.
You: You aren't afraid on stage; you're pretty confident up there.
DS: I sure am! I rock!

====OR

DS: I hate it that there was no one there to watch me perform! There were only 3 people in the audience!
You: You like a bigger audience, huh? Is that because it's more fun, or because you want more people to know about you.
DS: I want to be famous! I want everyone to see what I can do.
You: What is it that you want to be famous for?
DS: Just famous! A star. Everyone wants to be a star, right?
You: I don't know. When you see a singing star on TV, they are enjoying lots of benefits of being famous. But did you know there's a lot that goes on behind the scenes? You have to REALLY want to be a star in order to put in that kind of work on skill, technique, presentation, and to work the long hours, travel all over the place…..You know I will support you, if that's what you want to do.
DS: No, you don't support me.
You: You probably feel that I don't support you, because I have been offering advice or criticism you didn't ask me for.
DS: I hate it when you criticize me.
You: I'm sorry about that.   <===that's it. say NO more right there, tempting as it may be!

=====
What I'm driving at here is that you don't need to correct her on this. Just hear her. Let her put in the minimal amount of effort, let her get the minimal results, let her complain. Just reflect back what she seems to be feeling and saying. This gives her the support and space to draw her own conclusions. She may then ask you for advice, because you are listening, you are "safe," you have respected her. Or she might realize that it's just fun and she's doing it for the fun and no, to be honest, she doesn't want to put in the effort. She's cool with getting the minimal return.
OR, she may say "Mom, how can I get a bigger crowd to see me?" at which point you can say well, there's another open mic coming up next month, and we can use Facebook to create an Event, and invite all our friends, relatives and all that, but if you want to give them an awesome show and leave them buzzing about your talent, you really ought to memorize all the lyrics. I can help you with that part too. You can put on a show just for me, until you've nailed it."
But until she ASKS for your help, she will probably just hear what you say as criticism. So that is why active listening is so good. It's really hard to keep our mouths shut when we KNOW the solution, but kids love to be trusted to solve problems, so letting her own this WITH your support will probably be a good way to go.

Active Listening means that not only do you listen (and not offer unsolicited advice) but you try and make sure that you heard/understood her. Sometimes it involves repeating back what they say, but you don't want to be a parrot. Sometimes it involves asking them questions. But you avoid sermonizing, advising, lecturing, criticizing, etc. unless it's been requested. The goal is for her to FEEL heard. See what I mean? It's not enough that you heard her--she has to FEEL that you heard her. This will help her identify and solve her own problem, and boost her self-esteem and her relationship with you in the process.

Oh, and your last statement was interesting too "I'm frustrated because she wants the end product without doing the work.  Any ideas?"

Take a look at that. YOU are frustrated because SHE wants.....   

It's worth looking again at the underlying assumptions. As an outsider here, I can see that when SHE wants the end product without doing any work, SHE is the one with the problem. There is no need for you to be frustrated. (Fascinating how it all changes when you look at it differently like that!) It is not your problem. You are there to help her and guide her, but she still owns it, and something tells me that she wants to be trusted to own it too. 

Hope that helps! My guy is only 8 y.o. -- I've never parented a 12 y.o. but I was one once.  :-)

[onatightrope]

I think you need to analyze what's frustrating you.  I might be wrong, but is it that you put more effort into her performance than she did?  We have had situations here where my kids want something, but not enough to really do anything to get what they want.  They want to express the wish, and then have me make it happen.  Sometimes that's fine, but there are other times where I need to see a little commitment to the goal on their side.  For example, before I invited a whole lot of people to come watch my kid perform, I would explain to her that she is asking these people give up their time and spend money on gas to get come to the place with the open mic night, and that she needs to be respectful of their time and effort.  As a performer, one of the main ways she can show respect for her audience is to prepare for her performance.  

I wonder if she's reluctant to practice or take voice lessons because some part of her knows that this is all a fantasy, and if she were to start doing the work to be better, she'd have to face where she is now?  If you think she has potential, it might help to tell her that.  Otherwise, you could look for reasonable ways for her to experiment with her fantasy of becoming a celebrity.

[4evermom]

Good advice from others...  What about video taping her next performance?  Watching herself might give her a better idea of how she is performing without your input.

[SweetSilver]

Sometimes hearing what she needs to know from another person can be more effective.  Is there a talent agency near you?  Making contact, hearing from somebody "in the biz" that she *needs* voice lessons or acting lessons or something could be helpful.  Pay for head shots, tell her she needs to make a resume (what will she fill it with?  Hmmm.....)  If the talent agent is really awesome, she will be encouraging, kind of like a guidance counsellor and might excite your daughter enough to start making realistic plans for achieving her sky-high goals.  Get her into an audition for a musical if you can find it.  Help her prepare for it.  I wouldn't want to  purposefully put her into a situation where she could feel humiliated, but sometimes it's unavoidable.  (And as a former college actress, I can tell you that auditioning was always a bit humiliating, even amongst people I knew!)  I would say that you can't be accused of not being supportive if you do that, but you have a very-nearly-teenager and she still might no matter what you do!  Good luck!

[its_betty]

At least for my ds, "Overestimating Abilities/ Impulsiveness" equals being 12. His focus is on mountain bike and bmx bike jumping. (Yes, he wears an appropriate helmet and pads.) We have a great new bike jump park near us. He "didn't need to" spend time practicing the easier and mid-level jumps, because he had already "mastered" them (after only a couple of weeks). He may have learned his lesson the hard way, though, when he crashed doing a big jump and badly sprained his knee a few weeks ago. Three weeks on crutches and most of the summer gone without doing the things he likes have (hopefully) taught him that it really does take practice to get good. I wish he could have learned that lesson without the injury. (And he's signed up for bike jump camp in a couple of weeks, so hopefully having other adults talk about the importance of practice will help the lesson stick.)

My point being that it may just be the age of wanting "the end product without doing the work."

For your daughter: could you encourage her to join school drama club or a children's or community theater group that does musicals? Sounds like she'd enjoy something like that. You don't need to mention that it might be a good place for her to learn about rehearsing, taking notes from directors, auditioning, and some of the other work that goes into stardom. : )

[SweetSilver]

This is a great lead-in for some pop-culture history. Who are her idols?  What are their stories?  Some Hollywood startlets were "discovered" waitressing or standing on a corner, but others worked hard.  Judy Garland was in a family singing group, Meryl Streep studied acting, etc. etc.  TV makes it seem like just anybody can be famous, but the stories of the ones who make it to the end tell otherwise.  (Except the one Scottish lady who did karaoke and ended up wowing the world.)

     I think in my little ones (6 and 4), this hubris can be charming.  "Mommy, listen to my song!"  And I am thrilled to hear what imaginative mess they've pounded out with the guitar.  The extended family audience welcomes the show, claps and cheers with genuine admiration.  It melts my heart and I wish I could get the camera handy in time to record it.  Some truly wonderful and fun "songs" have disappeared into oblivion.  This same scenario in a 12yo, well......... not.... quite.....