I'm 'strict' and 'mean'. Are you?

[midnightwriter]

I tell my DD9, that if the neighbouring kids ask her to join them in something that she doesn't feel comfortable with, she can tell them that mom doesn't allow.

She's used this card several times with the 10yo J. Now J tells DD that I'm a mean mom, and way too strict, and that she doesn't like me. Oh, and that her mom doesn't like me either. DD ends up defending me, but she is uncomfortable with this.

I don't care that I'm the bad guy, but now I'm not sure this is a good situation that is developing here. DD wants to be a bit more assertive, and stated recently that she will be telling them certain things, but she still wants my help at times. She is generally worrried to hurt other people's feeling by telling them directly she doesn't want to join them in certain activities.

J can be at times controlling and a bit manipulative. For instance, when she wanted DD to join her family for a day trip, and I told her that DD wasn't allowed, J started to beg. At first it seemed like she was fooling around, and begging playfully. It seemed like a joke. I played in a bit, but she wouldn't let go. Then I told her more seriously that DD wasn't allowed, and yet she wouldn't let go. She grabbed me by my waist, and literally held me tight, despite my protests. And then she pouted and pouted. It was really odd.

What are your experiences in such situations? I'm terrible at navigating this.

[NellieKatz]

This comment right here...

"She is generally worrried to hurt other people's feeling by telling them directly she doesn't want to join them in certain activities."

....tells me that maybe DD could benefit from a book or course or something that helps her learn assertiveness and boundaries. This is VERY important, in my opinion. A young girl is going to be put in lots of situations growing up where the ability to say "No" on her own AND know why she's saying it, is going to be crucial and could even save her life.

I wish I had some good recommendations for you; maybe someone else does.

The bit where she is allowed to blame you may sound nice at first, but if you think further, it really allows her to avoid standing firm and it puts her in a manipulable position. In other words if she can't do something because YOU said she can't, then they might try and become the stronger or more assertive voice that persuades her to listen to them instead of you. She should be solid in her beliefs and why this or that activity isn't good for her. Especially if she herself feels uncomfortable around the other child or in a certain situation.

If your DD is grounded (i.e. in the sense of being centered, feet on the ground) then she is less likely to be toppled by others' statements and pressures. And that will make her feel stronger too.

Take it from one who was pushed around all her life. My mom was nonassertive and had nothing to teach me on the subject. And I paid a high price.

[meemee]

yeah i encouraged dd to be more assertive - politely. that being the key coz dd being over zealous can come across as being very rude. 

we have a girl dd doesnt want to play with her any more. first dd made excuses. then she asked me to help with excuses and i did. all this while i was encouraging her to speak her mind as it wasnt fair to keep this other girl hanging.

after much back and forth, dd finally built up the courage to let her know that doesnt want to play with her. except it happened not as exactly as i'd have liked. dd was nervous and so came across as being rude.

that stopped the other kids asking for speical services.

[Geofizz]

The "my mom won't let me" is a good approach for really sticky situations - but only in moderation.  It looks like what you're seeing is the consequence of over using this approach.

I agree that she needs to learn to assert and be comfortable with her own judgment.  At the same time, it doesn't sound like this kid is a good one to learn with, since she's persistent, manipulative, and has a very different "set point" of appropriate.

Dealing with peer pressure is an important skill, but difficult to learn, especially if the peer applies more than the average amount of pressure.

Maybe it's time to sit down with your DD and work out a game plan - a script of sorts.  Things we've done in our house with neighbor kid problem is to have DD start out with "no, thanks" or "that doesn't sound like a good idea" or something similar.  If the neighbor kid persists, then have DD announce that it's time for her to go home. 

When my DD comes home earlier than I expect from next door, we would often talk about what happened -- sometimes my rule follower DD has over interpreted what might not be ok, and we'd talk about the situation and where my boundaries are, while emphasizing that her boundaries are her boundaries.  I'd always praise her and tell her I was proud of her sticking up for herself. 

There were a few times when I'd have to step in.  I wouldn't tell the girl that I was forbidding it, but I would tell her the same words DD had used -"DD said she didn't want to do that.  You need to respect her judgment."  Mom isn't mean here - just sticking up for her kid and modeling appropriate disagreement.

Over time, DD has managed to both gain more confidence in herself as well as teach the neighbor kid that DD's sensibilities are a bit different and that she'd stick to them.  These issues actually come up less, and the neighbor kid is less likely to suggest the things that DD won't do.

[Dar]

My kid has used variations of the "my mom won't let me" strategy occasionally through her teen years - like, she'd send me a text asking me to call her in half an hour and act like she has to come home. I agree with Geofizz that it's a strategy best used in moderation, though. I think helping your daughter learn to be more assertive while still making it clear that if she needs your back-up you'll still do that for her is a good plan...

[meemee]

looking back i remember this is what i did with my mom too - all through my life even as an young adult. i cant go coz i need to help my mom. 
 

Originally Posted by Dar 

My kid has used variations of the "my mom won't let me" strategy occasionally through her teen years - like, she'd send me a text asking me to call her in half an hour and act like she has to come home. I agree with Geofizz that it's a strategy best used in moderation, though. I think helping your daughter learn to be more assertive while still making it clear that if she needs your back-up you'll still do that for her is a good plan...

[midnightwriter]

Thank you for all the replies! DD and I talk about it a lot, and she is a brave and thoughtful little soul. She is also very compassionate towards J, the neighbour. J really difficult to deal with, even for me, as she can be incredibly whiny and persistent. DD says that J 'makes' her do things. Nothing bad per se, but when they play, it is always J's choices. DD says that she'd rather go along with it, then have J pout at her and be mad at her. And oh boy, J can pout! She spent two weeks being 'mad' at DD, glaring at her every time they were outside; refused to say hello etc. It was really difficult. I'm really impressed with how maturely DD is handling this, but of course this affects her, and spills over in other areas.

We read a bunch of books on bullying and conflict resolution for kids today, and DD feels empowered.  My heart aches for DD. We read the 'good friend' / 'bad friend' definitions, and J fits as a 'bad friend' almost on every criteria. And those kids are there ALL the time! Unfortunately we are homebodies as well...

I might come back here and ask more specific questions. My mama bear instinct wants to avoid contact with J at all costs, but DD is very compassionate and is looking for ways to help J out. (She believes that J is bullied at school, and that's why she is like this). I think DD is handling it in a much more mature way than me....

Thanks for listening.