 my oh my ...
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up until a few months i was considering myself a good mother ,maybe it is even better to say (although it might be sounding mean) i was a better mother before my second (and most beloved) child came to my life.
since having 2 children i feel constantly like i need to cut myself into 2 or start saving money to get myself a clone twin of myself.
i  love my children deeply widely and wildly.
they are the light of my life and they are the best guidance i could ask for becoming a better person but since the latest event in our life i feel like i am losing a grip of that great sensational path...
- i have a 3 years and 4 months old sweet dear boy and a 9 months old baby girl
we used to live in Japan but escaped after the march earth-quack, our life were not perfect but it was a constant learning and examining time full with joy and colorfully interesting.
but we escaped right after they started posting ads about electric break downs and shorten of food.we just got up packed some clothes for the kids and escaped to the south (i was sure we will be back at home after a week or even  a month i was .)but after a few days we were already on the air-plain heading to my homeland my sweet husband my 2 children and i we had nothing on us but clothes games and some books for the kids. and we arrived to my homeland with nothing.(aside for the clothes games and books for the kids that is,,,)we lived with my parents in a small house for about a month and a half and when it became too tight on us all we just rented a house in the north where there's more nature and open spaces for the kids (the house we rented was not deeply examined by us we just took it because it was the only one available and although the price was outraging we just COMPROMISED - never thinking how stupid and irresponsible it is to be doing such a thing...but well that already happened) it is funny i was expecting to have something good and it turned out very bad.
we hate the house we are living in. it is stupidly designed and it tends to collect the heat from outside during the day (and it is indeed very VERY hot summer outside)and pour it all into the house at night time. we have got only one AC here and it is not close to our bed room (we are all sleeping together) my husband was lucky enough to keep working on line with his company from Tokyo so the situation is not bad in terms of money. but this doesn't feels like home and i do have so many invisible wounds to be taking care of especially those of my sweet boy who is sensitive and wise enough to understand what is going on (although he doesn't yet have got the words to express )
i feel like this house is sucking out my will ,i think this along with the runaway from japan combination is rather bad,i need to be making a warm nest for my family but i find myself ending each and everyday feeling like i don't have much effort and i don't have much will to be doing anything ,i haven't had time to mourn whatever happened the lose of our home, it feels as if my roots are out and visible and it doesn't feel good at all.
i scream at my boy and it is indeed something new for him - that is why he keeps saying 'Mommy is upset" ,"mommy is angry" i hear him saying that for at least 7 times a day and i frequently ask him why he is saying that but he doesn't reply to me he doesn't even looking into my eyes anymore,,,i think he is afraid of me ,and it breaks my heart.
my husband is saying i have turned out to be the "bad' cup which is something i never ever wanted to be....i don't like the police much in any way,,,
my husband also saying that i need to over come my feelings and to grow an elephant skin and he is certain that can help my relationship with my son to improve...but i have no idea how or where can i get that thick skin?
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thank you kindly for listening i feel messy and heavyÂ
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thank you again.
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