Is my baby's abnormality my fault?

[AprilM]

Gosh, I can't believe I am even typing this, but I have to release this confused state of mind I am in or I am going to go crazy. In a nutshell, here is our situation: I am 5 months pregnant, and at our 20 week anatomy scan, the doctor found a mass of tissue (either a CCAM/or a pulmonary sequestration) on our baby's lung. Prognosis ranges anywhere from worst case scenario, baby not making it to term, to best case scenario, it regresses and corrects itself before birth.

Obviously, we are completely devastated and on an emotional rollercoaster of ups and downs. No pregnancy should ever be this stressful. 

Backtrack to about a year ago, I came across a doctor (who doesn't practice allopathic medicine anymore) and only practices holistic medicine now. I won't mention her name, but some of you probably have heard of her.  I called her up because I saw a couple seminars she gave on YouTube, thought she sounded very knowledgable, and I had a couple questions for her. She seemed like a very angry lady, like a lot had happened to her to make her hate the medical establishment, and she told me I needed to get on her detox program to get healthy. She then quoted me $2500, to which I just don't have that kind of money.

Fast forward to after this prenatal diagnosis, I contact her again....this time through email. Basically explained our situation, wanted to know if she had ever heard of this condition before, thought maybe she could give me some advice from a holistic viewpoint, and even asked her how much she would charge just to talk to me about it. I explained to her how scared we are, and how difficult this has been.

Her reply blew me away, and still has my head in the clouds. She wrote" Too bad you didn't detox before you got pregnant.  You have a rough road ahead....make sure you check out everything they suggest be done.  Good luck..." That's it!

So, to me, it sounds as if she is implying it is my own fault that my developing baby has this problem . Which now has me asking....is this somehow my fault? I haven't even gone here....asked this question.....but it's always lurked in the back of my mind. Now I am reeling with self doubt. Did I do something wrong? Did I not do something right? Is my body defective?  I took Zofran at the beginning of this pregnancy, as prescribed by my midwives for extreme nausea/vomiting, and now I am wondering if that could have been the cause. Tons of questions and no answers. 

Was this lady completely out of line, or could I have done something to prevent this?

Anyone ever been in my shoes and wondered if it was somehow their fault?

[CDsMom1031]

OMG. Shame on that lady!!!

NO, it is NOT your fault.

Do NOTTT blame yourself.

[mamaboss]

Wow, she is so beyond crossing the line! Please don't let her wretched negativity get to you. 

Let me start by saying I don't know anything about your baby's condition. My second pregnancy was a stillbirth. We had a planned homebirth and had chosen not to receive any ultrasounds or prenatal testing such as glucose screening, etc. When she was born she had severe birth defects, some possibly due to genetic abnormailities, though all testing came back inconclusive.

We received a few very insensitive comments such as, "Well, this wouldn't have happened if you had been seeing a real doctor." Or "You should have had an ultrasound so you'd know." (As if something could have been done about it.) 

It is so easy to blame yourself though. Many times, as in my case, there are no answers but we want and need them desperately so it is easy to point fingers at ourselves. I scanned through so many life decisions, including random interactions with others long since passed, trying to find some reason why I "deserved" or had brought upon myself this particular circumstance. 

It really is not your fault. 

I truly wish you and your family the best AprilM.

[AprilM]

Originally Posted by mamaboss 

Wow, she is so beyond crossing the line! Please don't let her wretched negativity get to you. 

Let me start by saying I don't know anything about your baby's condition. My second pregnancy was a stillbirth. We had a planned homebirth and had chosen not to receive any ultrasounds or prenatal testing such as glucose screening, etc. When she was born she had severe birth defects, some possibly due to genetic abnormailities, though all testing came back inconclusive.

We received a few very insensitive comments such as, "Well, this wouldn't have happened if you had been seeing a real doctor." Or "You should have had an ultrasound so you'd know." (As if something could have been done about it.) 

It is so easy to blame yourself though. Many times, as in my case, there are no answers but we want and need them desperately so it is easy to point fingers at ourselves. I scanned through so many life decisions, including random interactions with others long since passed, trying to find some reason why I "deserved" or had brought upon myself this particular circumstance. 

It really is not your fault. 

I truly wish you and your family the best AprilM.

Thanks Mamaboss for your testimony. I am so sorry you had to go through that. How devastating. Just devestating. May God bless you and your family. Thank you again for your encouragement.

[Vermillion]

Outrageous!!! I have nothing positive to say at all about that woman... With people skills like that, well, she should not be allowed to deal with people at all!!!

I'm so sorry that on top of stress you're going through you're now questioning your role in this because of some awful woman! I'm so angry for you just from reading your post!!!

Beyond that, like the PP stated, I don't anything anything about your little one's condition. I lost my daughter at 17 weeks and never found out any real answers. I was told it was just a fluke, but who really knows? I beat myself up a lot over the years about things I could have done differently. Feeling like you are somehow at fault for problems with your child makes an incredibly painful situation SO much harder.

I ask myself all the time why some women can drink, smoke crack, take horrible care of themselves and all of that and have babies who are ok... while others who seem to do all the right things sometimes don't. I guess things just happen, many times without any rhyme or reason, and not having the answers we want really just sucks!!!

It's so hard, but try not to blame yourself. Thinking many good thoughts for you and your baby~

[AprilM]

Oh Vermillion... My heart breaks for you. I am so sorry for your loss of your precious daughter at 17 weeks. Sometimes I wonder how people get through some of the things life throws at us. Life can be so wonderful and beautiful at times, and yet so heartwrenching and soul crushing at others.

Thank you for sharing your story.

[mamaboss]

Originally Posted by Vermillion 

I ask myself all the time why some women can drink, smoke crack, take horrible care of themselves and all of that and have babies who are ok... while others who seem to do all the right things sometimes don't. I guess things just happen, many times without any rhyme or reason, and not having the answers we want really just sucks!!!

Ooooh yes, I was very bitter for quite some time. 

[stik]

That lady is completely out of line.  That was a hideous, cruel thing to say.  No health care provider should speak to a client like that.  

I hope your baby's condition resolves and the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly.  

[emmaegbert]

That woman sounds like a con artist, not a health care provider. How awful. Of course your baby's abnormality is not your fault.

I agree, shame on her. If she doesn't have anything helpful to suggest, that is all she needed to say in response to your query.

[Adaline'sMama]

Shame, shame, shame on her. You are not at fault. Im sorry you are going through this.

[McGucks]

I am keeping your baby and family in my heart and hoping that the best case scenario is exactly what will happen.

Anybody who charges $2,500 for a detox is a quack.  My guess is that you already really knew that, but I thought I'd mention it.  While I am not familiar with your child's condition, I can guarantee that a supposed "detox" would have not changed one thing. 

Good luck ahead, mama.  Think positive and take good care.

ETA:  DDCC

[Snugglebugmom]

A quick Google search showed me these two descriptions:

"Bronchopulmonary sequestration (BPS) is a rare congenital malformation of the lower respiratory tract.

It consists of a nonfunctioning mass of normal lung tissue that lacks normal communication with the tracheobronchial tree, and that receives its arterial blood supply from the systemic circulation."

"A congenital cystic adenomatoid malformation (CCAM) is a benign (non-cancerous) mass of abnormal lung tissue usually located on one lobe (section) of the lung."

Honey, how could a bit of tissue that forms during the gestation of a baby possibly be prevented by some quack's insanely expensive detox program? This is not your fault, there is nothing you could have done, or not done, to prevent this from happening. 

We had a Trisomy 18 scare at our 20 week ultrasound, they found a marker and we spent the next ten weeks not knowing what it was, and whether our baby was going to die or not. At a level 2 ultrasound at almost 30 weeks, the marker (a cyst commonly known as a CPC, or choroid plexus cyst) turned out to have vanished on its own, and our little boy showed not other markers whatsoever.

I read somewhere recently that there are a great many things that we nowadays get concerned about because they show up on ultrasound, but that fix themselves over the course of the pregnancy. Things that never used to be a problem, because we simply couldn't see them with the less advanced equipment we used to have, so we didn't know they were there to begin with. I think there is a lot of truth in that. 

The most important thing, and I cannot stress this enough, is that THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

And shame on that woman. What a terrible, terrible thing to say. There should be a law against people like that opening their mouths (or their email programs) except to say something along the lines of:"Pass the salt, please."  

[cat13]

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this news, mama. I completely agree with all the other PPs that this is NOT your fault at all!

[Baby_Cakes]

That woman has an agenda - to sell her product.  Shame on her for implying you had anything to do with your baby's condition.  Rest assured you did NOT cause this.  I'm so sorry for all you are facing and wish you the very best.  Hugs.

[AprilM]

Thank you everyone for your encouragement. I am a little more cooled off about it today than I was last night when I posted this. I am still contemplating whether or not I should even respond to her.

[cat13]

Originally Posted by AprilM 

Thank you everyone for your encouragement. I am a little more cooled off about it today than I was last night when I posted this. I am still contemplating whether or not I should even respond to her.

Glad to hear that you aren't taking this to heart as much today after cooling off. If you do decide to email her back, I would just caution you to be short and clear and not invite more toxic words from her, otherwise you might have to go through all these emotions again. Maybe something like, "It was completely insensitive and unprofessional of you to insinuate that my baby is at risk because I did not use your detox routine. I hope you take more consideration when you respond to clients and parents in the future. Please do not email me again. " Or something along those lines. Good luck!

[cameragirl]

That is awful so irresponsible of that woman. $2500 for a detox program is ridiculous to begin with, but saying that to you is horrible. I highly doubt that her detox program would have prevented this.

I wish the best of luck with this pregnancy, and I pray that your little one comes out healthy.

[Alenushka]

You did only one thing wrong and that is contacting a quack. Please, stay away from this woman.

The most important thing to remember in life is that control is an illusion.

You can't control everything. You can;t control every gene and every cell.

Your can drink all the RLF tea, eat all organic and repeat positive affirmation 100000 a day and bad thing will still happen.

But you do not know  if the bad thing will happen yet. As the Doctor said, it may resolve itself. Or may not. Either way, you will be there dealing with it. That is what humans do.

There is not reason to torture yourself over something someone very cruel, someone who wants your $$$, said. This is how quacsk operate. they guilt you, then they get your money.

I would get second opinion at local university hospital.

[babygirlie]

If it quacks like a duck... clearly she is bitter she didn't get your money. DON'T listen to her! She is rude and nasty and I can't imagine anything you could say to her to help her find reality. I would post your review on yahoo though. I've spent the $400 on hollistic doctors who told me I would magically heal by stepping on a plastic bag (filled with bleach but never actually touches me and my energy would be cleansed). I just can't see spending money on crud like that.

I DO believe in nature first but there's a certain line of people who are just simply trying to scam you and will guilt trip you and any other way to do it and have no soul.

[journeymom]

Originally Posted by AprilM 

Thank you everyone for your encouragement. I am a little more cooled off about it today than I was last night when I posted this. I am still contemplating whether or not I should even respond to her.

"Too bad you didn't detox before you got pregnant" is a stunningly unprofessional statement.  Flippant and insensitive, not to mention ignorant.  Yes, I think you should respond.  I like Cat13's wording. 

Thank goodness you didn't give this woman your money.