Tell me it gets better, please! High needs infant 3.5 months old now.

[geekgolightly]

My little guy, Alex, who I worked three long years to hold in my arms, is a screamer. He screams nearly all the time. There are these moments where he breaks through with smiles mostly in the morning and right after a good nurse, but otherwise he is either fussy or giving us a scalding review of our poor parenting skills.

I have tried to Moby which works about 10% of the time, the rest of which he will stand straight up in it and threaten to jump, or scream to be let out. But he doesnt want down, he wants 100% of my attention on him. Or even then, he is not happy. I will put him down to get dressed to go out and take him for a walk and he screams like I am killing him. 

The car seat is the worst. Of course.

I have tried the 5 s's and it's nice to have that in my arsenal, but if there are ideas, please tell me. I am at my wits end.

The ghosts of Bowlby and Ainsworth are rattling round in my head telling me I am damaging my child when I dont rush to pick him up, but I *have* to live. I *have* to get dressed and take my husband to work, take my other child to camp, pay attention to my other child, do dishes, make some facsimile of dinner etc etc. The worst is when I have to use the bathroom. Listening to him scream while in the middle of TMI is very difficult. He screams when I hold him while in the bathroom as well.

Getting a bath, brushing my teeth on a daily basis? FORGET IT. I have to wait until my more-than-full-time working husband is around and able to watch him while I *quickly* take a bath or rush round to clean up all the things that have been driving me crazy during the week.

What I want to know is, does it get better. Really. He is past the period of purple crying, or what have you. We are in full throes of high needs.

I.am.exhausted. Please tell me there is a light at the end of the tunnel! Or, if there isn't, I suppose it's best to know now and just buck up for the long long ride ahead.

[midnightmommy]

I does get better. Slowly, but it does. When my daughter was a baby I remember holding her while she screamed and wondered if she was even happy to be earth side. She didn't go to anyone other than me. One night I tried to go for a run for twenty minutes, and DD threw up all over DH. I totally get you and going to the bathroom. I seriously couldn't go with her screaming in the other room.

Now she is two, and she still has her moments, but she smiles, she dances, she plays in the other room with her brother. I get to leave the house without her now. She rides in the car with a reasonable amount of happiness. Sometimes I'm amazed at how far we've come from the none stop screaming creature that I paced the floor with two summers ago.

[Linda on the move]

There's light at the end of the tunnel. My second child screamed so much for so long, until I couldn't see straight and was a complete basket case. She out grew it eventually.

The days are long, but the years are short.

[cappuccinosmom]

My first son screamed pretty constantly for his first three months.  I nearly went insane.  :(

He did grow out of it.  While he was screaming, it felt like forever.  But now he's 8 and I can barely remember that time, except that it was wretched.

(((((hugs)))))

I am all for babywearing and attending to your baby's needs.  But you also need to do what you need to do.  If you don't get some basics done, you end up stressing yourself out more, making it more difficult to want to respond to your baby.  Since he's crying all the time, even when you're meeting his needs, I don't think you need to worry that a few minutes of crying while you shower are going to permanently damage him.  Also, you might find it helpful to let go of the idea that it's your job to make him happy.  As a mom, it's your job to meet his physical needs, and investigate if there is some medical issue causing him pain, but you are not a bad mom if you can't stop his crying while you're doing all that you are supposed to do. 

[NiteNicole]

My daughter screamed for about the first year and she never slept.  We moved in with my parents because it was just.  so.  hard.  As a trade off, she was a complicated but pretty easy toddler and now she is a comparatively easy five year old. 

[meemee]

ugh. multiquote is not working. 

these are words from wise mamas.

The days are long, but the years are short.

 I can barely remember that time, except that it was wretched.

 But you also need to do what you need to do.  If you don't get some basics done, you end up stressing yourself out more, making it more difficult to want to respond to your baby. 

these were my reactions too. it sums up what having a HNs child is all about. i mean mama it was hard for ME. i cant imagine having to take care of another child too. my dd was jammed in me. the ped had to yank her to get her out. c-section. dd was in PAIN (my inlaws the parents of 7 children - the first time they heard dd cry like that - i was over at their place - they immediately rushed me to the ER - and i was sent packing home with colic) and i definitely think chiro would have helped her, but i didnt know such a think existed.

i will say i did find a way to stop dd crying eventually. i really felt like a genius. it was a combination of the swing and her dad singing specific 4 beatles adn rolling stones songs. it HAD to be both or she wouldnt stop crying. 

mama i have been lucky that i have come across mothers with HNs kids. one at 6 months (oh what a relief!!!! there was someone else that understood - i wasnt on this parenting board and hadnt found dr sears yet and being a first time mom i just thought this was how it was and i was just finding it hard) and one at two. all 3 of us said something that has stuck with me.

take care of yourself. 

do something - even for 30 secs - SOMETHING for yourself. not just do what you have to do. but something fluffy thing you really need - like sit down and enjoy a few sips of icy cold water. 

to be very honest with you - and yes you need to be prepared for this - is that it never really gets 'easy'. i have waited for 'easy' to come and i have given up after almost 9 years. 

it changes.

physically it wont be that hard for you always. yes it WILL be EXHAUSTING the first 5 years. dd has SOOOO much physical energy. please please please remember you HAVE TO give your son the physical outlet when he is older.

no this crying wont last. unless it is a medical reason. 

i will end with this. looking back i will say HNs baby was the best thing that happened to me. i was not a v. good intuitive parent. i wouldnt have picked her up if she didnt demand it. i wouldnt do because i didnt know. she has whipped me to be HER mother and because of that we are very, very close now. while the first year an inch was too much space between us and scream, today emotionally that is too much distance between us and dd tells me almost everything important to her. it is sweet. very sweet. 

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by meemee 

to be very honest with you - and yes you need to be prepared for this - is that it never really gets 'easy'. i have waited for 'easy' to come and i have given up after almost 9 years. 

it changes.

physically it wont be that hard for you always. yes it WILL be EXHAUSTING the first 5 years. dd has SOOOO much physical energy. please please please remember you HAVE TO give your son the physical outlet when he is older.

I think it really depends on the child. There were so many points where things got a little easier, and a little easier.  I understand that *for you* the first 5 years were exhausting, but it wasn't that way for us. DD kept gradually getting easier and easier.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

I think it really depends on the child. There were so many points where things got a little easier, and a little easier.  I understand that *for you* the first 5 years were exhausting, but it wasn't that way for us. DD kept gradually getting easier and easier.

yes i agree. and it even depends on the parent. physically dd has gotten easier, but omg that child suffers from carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. its hard for me to watch her suffer thru 'life' which is what it is. like when we lived by teh river seh took the destruction of the marshlands to heart. the first year was hard but watching her sit with tears pouring down her face was v. painful for me to watch. so yeah its about me. i can handle lack of sleep, lack of time to myself, etc. but its really hard for me to watch dd be upset and me not be able to fix it. 

[homemademom]

You may have considered this, but sometimes babies scream because something in your diet is bothering them (usually dairy).  It might be worth a try to eliminate it for a while and see if it improves your baby's mood.  I'm sorry, though!  That sounds completely miserable.  I do agree that you have to take care of yourself no matter what!

[amberskyfire]

Yes, it does get better. Everyone always told me I was overreacting about DD's attitude toward life and it made it ten times worse that no one was around  us to actually see that she was so high-needs. Definitely not a happy baby. Even worse, my husband (who has a child by his ex wife and parented totally differently) said it was because I spoil and coddle DD, so I was even more depressed about it. Car rides were the WORST.

It does get better! It does! DD is still a little clingy in some ways, but much better than she used to be. By far. It took a while, but it did get better. I had to learn to just cope for a bit. When she learned to walk and do things on her own, it improved slightly. She still has an emotionally demanding attitude but she will play by herself for long stretches of time now.

I don't know what the 5 s's are, but one thing that really helped in the car was to give DD a little rag doll that I made myself. I would fill the top half of it with water and put it in the freezer, then give it to her when we had to go somewhere in the car. She would suck on that ice doll all the way there. It only worked one way, but it was worth it. When baby is old enough, you might be able to get by with giving a rag with a little xylitol gel (Spry makes some) in it for them to suck on.

[konayossie]

Another HN-infant survivor here! It definitely gets better!! DS is 2 now and altho we definitely have some rough days, emotionally he is 1000x easier than he was as a baby. It killed me when he was just miserable all.day.long no matter what I did. His issues were exacerbated by reflux and he rarely slept at all during the day and very broken at night. It was just awful.

Practical tips: have you tried an ergo or ring sling or something where you could face him out? DS would tolerate the Moby if we were nursing but otherwise he wanted to face out. Actually I guess you can do that with the Moby too. Try out facing if he has the head control.
--one thing that worked for us was my bathing with DS. I took baths anyway, so one particularly bad night, we put him in with me to see if it would calm him and it did. It became our nightly routine--at least it was a period we knew he'd be relatively happy which made it calming for me too.

Hang in there! DS really turned a corner around 5-6 mos.

[geekgolightly]

he is sleeping on my lap right now, so this might be short.

thank you so so much for all of your replies. i have found that putting him in the moby so that he can see everything and walking for at least 45 minutes is working to calm him. it lasts even after the walk sometimes, too. he is also doing better if i let him sleep on me during the day. the more e sleeps the happier it is. housework has definitely taken a backseat, but im ok with that. sort of. it does bother me, but im happy to see alex doing a bit better.

also! this has been wonderful, but i worry too... he is self soothing by sucking on his fingers!. i dont want him to worsen his mouth/jaw situation (he has micrognathia) but he spits out binkies in favor of the hand, and i ccan now sometimes go to the br without squalling from bebe the entire time. yay!

[Curlyfry7]

fixing post

[Curlyfry7]

Originally Posted by konayossie 

Another HN-infant survivor here! It definitely gets better!! DS is 2 now and altho we definitely have some rough days, emotionally he is 1000x easier than he was as a baby. It killed me when he was just miserable all.day.long no matter what I did. His issues were exacerbated by reflux and he rarely slept at all during the day and very broken at night. It was just awful.

Practical tips: have you tried an ergo or ring sling or something where you could face him out? DS would tolerate the Moby if we were nursing but otherwise he wanted to face out. Actually I guess you can do that with the Moby too. Try out facing if he has the head control.
--one thing that worked for us was my bathing with DS. I took baths anyway, so one particularly bad night, we put him in with me to see if it would calm him and it did. It became our nightly routine--at least it was a period we knew he'd be relatively happy which made it calming for me too.

.

I'm on HN baby #3.

This sounds a lot like DS1, although he is almost 5 now and still very demanding but in a different way. Still a poor sleeper too. He was a very angry baby-we called him the vampire baby because he sucked the life out of us. He is an old soul and we feel he was just trapped in that silly little infant body that couldn't DO anything he wanted to do-he got a little bit better each time he hit a milestone-walking was like a miracle for us. And baths were the one time he was actually happy.

He also wanted to-no HAD to-face out in the Moby. I'm a big babywearer and facing out is a big no-no, even with proper positioning-too much stimulus, yada yada yada, but that is exactly what DS1 CRAVED-stimulus. He is still that way-constantly seeking the next most intense thing.

DD was also reflux-y and a poor sleeper, but her hardest thing was her total clinginess-had to be touching me at every second until 15 months old, wouldn't even let daddy hold her for close to a year, had to sleep touching me until 18 months. She's 2.5 now and still very attached, but she is definitely easier than DS1.

DS2 is 4 weeks old tomorrow. Another reflux baby, maybe a little bit better sleeper?? Too early to be sure. Never wants to be put down. And he reminds me a LOT of his older brother, may god have mercy on us, LOL. Just wants to go go go and can't do anything with his little infant body. I'm betting that milestones will be a big deal with him too.

Hang in there mama!

[ShanaV]

It definitely gets better! Seconding the advice you've already received, and offering ((hugs)).

Some ideas: 

Like a pp said, maybe try other carriers/slings. Some babies have different preferences. 

This frog toy was amazing for my car screamers. Seriously, they screamed so much I hit a post at the gas station once. 

Sleep begets more sleep. So it's great that you've found he can nap on you. Keep it up!

Forget housework. You can clean in a few months when he's a bit bigger.

It was like, my babies just hated being ALIVE. They just hated LIFE. Put me back in, Mom! Gawd. But yes, for us things very much improved around 5-6 mos. Hopefully it will improve for you too!

[Zenmama1]

Hi I can totally relate. My DD is HN and she screamed her first 11 weeks on earth. My naturopath put me on an elimination diet and within 2 days the difference was night and day. She became different baby. Don't get me wrong she is still HN, but there is a difference between colic screaming and normal HN crying. So you might want to try the dr. Sears elimination diet. It's so awful to see them suffer like that. I feel for you. A couple other things to try:
Take your LO on a walk
When I go to the bathroom I put my daughter on our bed and turn on the tv
Probiotics
Find a naturopath in your area - they can recommend homeopathic remedies

[Megan73]

Hey mama! I remember you from the Veterans' Club and PAL forums.
I really understand. After our first baby was stillborn and then I had a miscarriage, I finally had a living baby - who apparently hated me! Leo howled and howled and howled. I walked with him in a sling until I felt like I couldn't walk another step. His dad bounced and sang to him for hours. AND we had breastfeeding challenges.
But then it got better. At about six months, when he could sit alone, he was a different baby. By a year, he was a cheerful guy and a great sleeper. At three, he's a delight. His little brother has been a breeze by comparison.
A couple of thoughts... First, I don't think you're scarring your baby by attending to your own basic needs. It's like on a plane - put on your own oxygen first! Is there someone who can come hold the baby while you get a massage? I know it seems like too much to ask but holding someone else's crying baby for an hour is no big deal compared to doing it 24/7.
Second, I wish I'd tried probiotics - there's actually some research showing they help colicky babies.
Finally, believe it WILL get better. I don't like the label "high needs." Nobody really knows what colic is but the research suggests that about 15% of babies suffer from it and not much really helps until they grow out of it - without apparent ill effects (except on mom and dad's psyches!). I have read that "post-colic" kids do well with more structure and routine as toddlers, which has been true for DS1.
Hang in there!

[geekgolightly]

megan!

checking in this thread finally to say that he is still a tough one to handle, but it *is* getting better. now that he is six months and army crawling/almost real crawling the daytime stuff isn't as intense. he is still waking up almost hourly most nights. i have adapted to little sleep and can now function. sort of. lol.

i think he's just gonna be like this until he is totally mobile, and most of his teeth have come in. oh man, teething he wakes up every 20 to 30 minutes! i get chinese water torture sleep. rough rough.

but worth it. <3

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Mama....all I can say is that things will continue to get better. My HN DS is now two (as of 8 days ago) and I'm telling you, I don't even recognize this child. He is still intense, very phsyically active kid who is in to everything...he still needs to snuggle me all night and when he gets tired he is very clingy to me and all of that...but it's all starting to feel SO normal.

When he was a baby and even as recently as last spring...I didn't know how long I was going to be able to keep it up. When I was pregnant with him, I never expected a baby "like that"...I would read other mothers words about their HN kids and would just be like "oh man, I can't believe some people have to endure that" - and NEVER imagined it would happen to me. DD was just a perfectly happy, never crying, always sleeping or eating or cooing little baby girl.

The infancy with my son was earth shattering. But you know what I realize now?? All the times I didn't give up on him, that I held him and rocked him and walked him even though it seemed to do absolutely nothing to help. All the times I stayed sweet and loving and spoke in a soft, soothing voice even though I just wanted to put him on the back porch and let him scream or hide in the bathroom and cry and ignore the whole world....that time and energy and constant pouring out of love bought me something.

The connection I have with this child is so deep, so intense and so loving that I can sometimes hardly stand it. I love my DD so much...her gentle, happy nature. She is a perfect helper and my right hand lady in everything I do.....but my son is like, a deep well of intense emotion and is SO so so sweet and loving to me. He and I are so connected and share such an amazing relationship. He's the love of my life. It's TRUE! I love my husband like I love the moon and stars.....but when I look into my sons face, I'm filled with a sense that he was sent to me...and that I was meant to receive him on this earth.

Never second guess that you are doing the right thing. It is taking so much more work....yes....but every mama I know who has parented a truly HN kid has said that the pay-off you get for all that time and love and tears and sleeplessness is worth it.

At the time, so sleepy and frustrated, I would have said "Oh god, I'd do anything for an easier kid" - but now that I'm through all that, I wouldn't trade it for anything. My son didn't cry because he enjoyed it. He was honestly working through something, there was something going on with him (and I'll never know what it was) that made him cry. I didn't put him down to CIO, I didn't get mad at him.....I stayed by his side, rocked him through the hard times and we went through it TOGETHER. That really built something for us....and when I hold him and we talk and giggled in bed and he strokes my face and tells me sweet little babbly things....I know he is appreciative of all the time I put in, of the journey I took with him. He may not remember it...or maybe he does. I don't know. But I do know that the sense he gets, is that I've been there for him and that he can always come to me and be okay...I know he loves me  and trusts me to the core of his being and it brightens my every day to be around him and see the amazing relationships he has formed with our other family members (ESPECIALLY DD, they ADORE each other) now that he is not crying all day.

Before you know it.....that kid is going to be two, into everything, charming the whole world and making you so happy all the time. If he is an intense guy...he's just going to be that. But there are a whole bunch of different ways that an intense personality can play out. I know for my son, when he was a baby, if I had to sum up his personality in honest terms....it would have been "Desperately clingy crying machine" - and even though he still has his moments and is still VERY attached to me....he has absolutely blossomed over the last few months with his ability to communicate getting better all the time, and at this point I would describe him as "Deeply and intensely sweet and loving family clown".

Hang in. <3

[Megan73]

Originally Posted by geekgolightly 

megan!

checking in this thread finally to say that he is still a tough one to handle, but it *is* getting better. now that he is six months and army crawling/almost real crawling the daytime stuff isn't as intense. he is still waking up almost hourly most nights. i have adapted to little sleep and can now function. sort of. lol.

i think he's just gonna be like this until he is totally mobile, and most of his teeth have come in. oh man, teething he wakes up every 20 to 30 minutes! i get chinese water torture sleep. rough rough.

but worth it. <3

Thanks for updating us. Hang in there, mama. And you're so right, it is worth it.