13 month old tantrums

[is it puppies?]

Hello!

DD, just over 13 months, has "tantrums" that are getting worse and worse. She is very, very physical and mainly communicates with her body (she "talks" a lot but nothing we understand yet). She points and signs a bit and has her own sign language/body language that is usually effective. Her latest thing is throwing herself on the floor and yelling/crying/screaming if she doesn't get what she wants. She started this to some degree just before 1 year old and it's just escalating. Is this normal? And what can I do about it?

As an example, today we were at the mall and she wanted to push her stroller, but did not want any help, so when she saw that somebody was helping her (or could feel resistance ie she hit the wall or one of us with it) she would drop down and scream. Then she'd go again but would repeat the episode over and over. Eventually she got quite angry instead of just having a short fit.

I often just give in to what she wants if I can't distract her with something else. This goes from wanting her water in my coffee cup to eating with my spoon instead of hers. I am starting to wonder if that is teaching her that it's okay but I don't know what else to do sometimes.

Oh and she has also started doing the classic kicking and hitting kind of tantrum sometimes :(

Everybody says what a happy baby she is! And I think (other than the odd potato chip) we've raised her right lol.

[lovepickles]

This is a really emotional time and very normal ... she is gaining control over her body and asserting her wants. This is a good thing and should be encouraged, IMHO. I think it would probably help to repeat whatever she is saying or use it as an opportunity to teach her words to express her dissatisfaction. Like if she wants to push her stroller all by herself say "(insert child's name) do it! You want (name) to do it!"  That toddler speak that hippy guy Harvey Karp or whatever works ... but I don't like how he bribes kids and uses rewards so I quit reading the book. But verbally empathizing goes a long way.

Also if my daughter is doing something that isn't age appropriate she tends to get upset MUCH quicker. We have this stupid plastic car that is meant for an older kid (bad gift) and when she sees it she insists on playing with it and most of the time she falls in one way or another with it, cries, and then goes at it again and again. We just have to distract her or if that isn't possible I say "bye-bye" to the car many times and put it away where she can't get it. She is sad but I say to her in very simple language that the car went bye-bye but LOOK at this really cool other thing. Usually after i introduce 2-3 different new things she will drop her desire to play with that stupid car that is going to eventually get recycled. So basically change the environment and don't set them up for difficult tasks they will want to do but get really frustrated. A little bit of a challenge is good but when they show signs of stress it is time to remove the item or the child ... ideally right before you see the tantrum you could transition to another task. Montessori things like handwashing and pouring water are a god send in our house. If she starts to freak i say do you want to do some pouring and she freaks OUT (in a good way). :)

But sometimes if they are hungry or tired these things can really get out of hand, regardless of what you do. Just make sure she's well fed and rested. I know when my DD starts repeating frustrating things it is time for a nap or some milk or food.

Hang in there. It will get worse ... but not for long. <3

[newmamalizzy]

I posted something very similar a few months ago when DD was 13 months old, so I know exactly where you're coming from.  I found that I really had to change my attitude towards her, stop treating her like a baby, and start learning how to treat her like a toddler.  I started involving her more in things I did, asking her to get her own diaper, help me put away toys, pull out the colander, etc.  I started giving her imitation versions of things I was doing, like a bowl and wooden spoon to "cook" like me.  I find that life takes a LOT more time now, but our days are more peaceful. 

I also very much agree with PP about providing activities your child can definitely do.  When I'm feeling tired, I find I can't redirect DD as creatively, so we end up in a situation where I'm just saying no, no, no, and she's saying eehhh?? eehhh?? eeehhh?  (it's this "help me do this inappropriate activity!" noise that drives me bonkers) over and over again.  I've come up with a few outings that I can count on where she can pretty much do whatever she wants without needing my help, so I can be kind of lazy and she'll be satisfied.  The mall, oddly enough, works wonders on our bad days.  Hiking trails work well for us, too. 

Good luck!  This toddler thing is definitely interesting territory....

[TreeRose]

Happy to read this post. With our 11 month old DD, I have experienced about a dozen tantrums so far and they are confusing. I don't want to ignore her. I don't want to coddle her either and say it's okay. I don't want to give her something like a reward for it but I also don't want her to feel unheard! It's so confusing!!

I have been much more lenient. I think very hard before saying "no" - not just because I dread the tantrum but because I don't want to be a big no parent, I want to be able to say yes. Being tired plays a huge role in her attitude and when she's had a good nap (which how can I really reinforce that?) she's an absolute pleasure, but usually she prefers to be awake and so wakes herself up after 30 minutes or so and is so cranky... AUGH.

I'm so glad I'm not alone. My friends / family say she's started early and maybe will finish early. We try teaching sign language, and respond to the pre-tantrum cues like the upset face and the grunts... it's not easy.

I had hoped Happiest Toddler on the Block would make my life easier, but the toddler-ese isn't working. If I say "are you mad mad mad?" she just screams louder. I've taken to letting her cry for a little while, she eventually throws herself at me and I pat her back, sometimes walking around if I have the energy (I'm pregnant and tired).

Good luck mamas and any other advice is welcome.

[is it puppies?]

Thanks for all the ideas! Keep them coming! It's always good to have new ideas. I'm trying to give her more responsibilities and other than how much longer it takes for me(ie letting her "fold" the laundry) she is really getting into "helping" and that often keeps her busy. She loves helping to get herself dressed. And putting things in the garbage (one tiny bit of trash at a time!).
I really hate though how I am giving in to things (even DH has noted that HE does it immediately) to avoid the tantrum. I mean we stop short of letting her do dangerous and really unhealthy things but to look at how permissive we are being makes me kind of annoyed with myself. Redirecting her often works but we only have so many ideas lol!

[TreeRose]

I feel the same way about permissiveness. I'm just so tired of tantrum after tantrum. All these little fits and I don't say no anymore unless it's dangerous. :(

[is it puppies?]

Today while I was unloading my cart at the grocery store I let her take apart the display of kraft dinner... till some managerial type came by and asked her to stop and find her mommy while trying to put it back together. Ya I never thought I'd be one of "those" parents!

[TreeRose]

That's so funny! We let our DD down at the coffee shop (out of the sling) so she could run around and she literally did laps around the place - pointing at everything and she was MUCH happier. Thankfully everyone was very amused and thought she was adorable. However, at the library the other day, I wouldn't let her go into a private office and she threw an absolute fit. We left with her screaming, crying and trying to launch herself out of my arms.