Once again, I stupidly let others' advice get to me

[Lisa1970]

Here is the thing. Through the years (my oldest is close to 17 yrs old) I have let other people's advice, that went contrary to my instincts and way of raising my children, get to me. Like, when I was a SAHM and planned to home school, but stuck my children in preschool because everyone else said I had to and all kids needed preschool. 

I thought through the years I had developed a real sense of self and stopped caving. Then this issue came. The chance for my daughter to go to a music camp for 6 weeks. I thought it would be fun when it was supposed to be a way shorter time. Then it came out that the only sessions offered for her instrument were for over 6 weeks. At that point, I said no. that was too long. We are very family oriented and our children do not even go to daycare. She is 15 yrs old. I do not know anyone else who sends their children away that long. I must admit though, I do actually know of a couple families, but those are families who routinely had their children away for long periods, even as babies. That is not how we are raising our children. We don't push our children away and we cosleep and breastfeed and home school and everything else attachment parenting. And AP does not stop just because a child hit 2 yrs old or whatever.

But people really laid in to me. And I gave in to the manipulation. I sent her. What a bad thing! It has been a mistake. Now she will be home in less than 2 weeks and the same manipulators are already talking about when she goes next year. I have said no way. My daughter has called me and has said no way. We are in agreement on this. Of course, these people who have not seen her or spoken to her in over a month keep trying to tell me how good this has been for her. How would they know? They have no clue. What are they basing this assessment on? NOTHING! They just keep making prejudicial, stereotypical remarks that are sooo stupid. I saw this before I allowed her to be enrolled and I am seeing this now. How was I so dumb to fall for this?

I just want the next 13 days to pass and I hope I never give in and cave to others like this again. I suppose I probably will some day. I just hope I am wiser in the future. 

[Lisa1970]

By the way..some of the manipulation has been along the lines of.... we are too close to our children. Being close to our daughter will harm her in the future because she will never be able to handle college. I was told it was wrong for her to be interested in my pregnancy or plan to be at the birth like she is. I get insulted for home schooling as if I am locking her in a closet. etc etc etc. I have been told stuff like it is bad for kids to spend this much time with their parents. When my oldest was 2 weeks old and not in daycare, I was told he belongs there because the "professionals" need to be caring for him. I mean..these are the same people I listened to. Obviously, I allowed myself to be influenced by people who did not have the same values as I did. It has been a huge mistake.

[purplerose]

What reasons do you give yourself for giving in to what these people want you to do? Are you worried, doubtful of yourself? We parent like you also except if a teenager really wanted to go to a 6 week camp I *may* let her...depends on many factors!

I've had many people try to get me to doubt myself(mostly family) but then I look at them and how they parent and I'm like, "No way!" My own mother sent me to a week-long summer camp every year from age 5. There is no freaking way I'd send a kid that young away if I did not have to(I understand there are divorced parents and shared custody and that's not optional) I wasn't ready for mine to be away that long til they were about 13. My oldest daughter stayed at her homeschooled friend's for a week(but almost an hour away) at that age, and my second went camping with her friend's church group at that age. That was harder for me!

I just see too many negatives in people's families who try to push children too early. It's not the wonderful, model families who try to manipulate you! So I've never seen a reason to change how I do things. I have watched some wonderful families and make small changes in our lifestyle but it wasn't bc of anyone giving me advice.

[NYCVeg]

I'm sorry that people that being rude to you; certainly, you know what it is best for your family. 

But in your post, I see the stereotypes working both ways. While 6+ weeks away at camp might be wrong for your child, people who allow their children to do such things are not necessarily "pushing their kids away." There are many kids who are eager and ready for such experiences and aren't trying simply to dump their kids. I went to boarding school. I was an extremely independent teenager and it was my choice; I begged my parents to allow me to go. My high school experience was absolutely transformative, and I am deeply grateful to my parents for giving me that gift. I certainly don't think boarding school is right for every teenager, but it was absolutely right for me. I also did 6 weeks of sleep-away camp starting at 10 years old. Again, it was my choice--I went for two weeks my first year (age 9), and then begged my parents to allow me to stay for a full session. I loved every minute of it and it didn't make me any less close to my parents. In fact, I really respect my parents for putting my needs and desires first, when I know it was hard for THEM to let me go (the first year I went to camp, my mom cried at the airport, and I was the one who comforted her--not the other way around!).  

I mean this very gently, but I wonder if some of the comments are a response to what others perceive as judgement on your part of their choices. If another mother told me her fifteen-year-old wasn't ready for a summer away from home, I would presume she knew best. But if that other mother implied that I didn't put family first or was "pushing my child away" because I did allow such things, I would be pretty miffed. 

[Linda on the move]

What's going on with the music camp?  What's wrong?

I've been reading your post for so long, I sorta feel like I know you, and now I'm worried about your DD! 

Are you going up there at the end? How did you decide to do the trip?

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by NYCVeg 

I mean this very gently, but I wonder if some of the comments are a response to what others perceive as judgement on your part of their choices. If another mother told me her fifteen-year-old wasn't ready for a summer away from home, I would presume she knew best. But if that other mother implied that I didn't put family first or was "pushing my child away" because I did allow such things, I would be pretty miffed. 

I kind of wanted to say something similar, but couldn't figure out how to phrase it. And, for ex., a VERY VERY attached, (plus co-sleep & nurse until 5+ etc.) friend of mine is letting her 15yo go away for a year. A YEAR! It will be hard for mom but she knows it's in her DS's best interest and she's certainly not trying to push her child away, only to honor his wishes & needs. I admire her willingness to put aside her own interests and do what her child needs.

Plus, I was stifled by my parents. I am sure they were well-intentioned in trying to keep me close, but I needed independence and they refused to give it, and fostered even more dependence on them... this had far-reaching consequences in my life. It was kind of hard to read your post because it brought up old issues for me. I'm sure this is not the case in your family, just how I read it due to my past...

So maybe it's just the way your post came off, and your real-life interactions don't reflect these things at all, or maybe this is one explanation for why you seem to get so much unwanted advice & manipulation??

Anyway, I don't know if you talked about the camp thing in other posts & I missed it, so I'm not sure how you came to the decision to send her after all... but I'm so sorry you both regret it!!! And I'm really sorry too that you feel you were swayed into doing something you really didn't want to do. You know what's best for your DD & you need to listen to yourself. A good friend told me the other day that there's some quote from Eleanor Roosevelt about how no matter what you do, people will judge you. Just looked it up, here it is: "Do what you feel in your heart to be right, for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do and damned if you don't." I think that's something you can really try to take to heart.

[Linda on the move]

The OPers DD is currently on the other side of the country, without easy access even with an airport. She hasn't seen her for month, and she won't see her for another two weeks.

I think it would be more appropriate to be supportive while her DD is so far away and things aren't going well.

[limabean]

Maybe you were due for a "refresher" lesson in why you don't listen to those people, OP. I bet you'll feel more secure in ignoring their advice for years to come as a result of this experience. 

[karne]

Did something happen?  I wonder what's making this feel like a mistake?

FWIW, my dd goes to sleep away camp, though not as far, and not for as long.  She gets homesick, despite loving camp.  Immediately after camp she might say that she's worn out, or reconsidering next year, but as time passes she always wants (begs) to go back.  I think the issue with camp, for my dd, is that she is very social, but she likes/needs her time by herself.  That's hard to come by at camp.  Nevertheless, it's been a huge growth experience to go away to camp.

Anyway, just wondering what about this experience has been so negative?  Is it the amount of time and distance?  Perhaps she'd prefer something shorter and closer to home next year.

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

The OPers DD is currently on the other side of the country, without easy access even with an airport. She hasn't seen her for month, and she won't see her for another two weeks.

I think it would be more appropriate to be supportive while her DD is so far away and things aren't going well.

Although my post was not meant to be at all "unsupportive" or whatever...

I took the post as more of a "why do people keep giving me advice & why do I keep taking it" kind of vent. I had no idea her DD was in a bad situation, it sounded like she just missed her kid & regretted letting people get into her head.

OP, ignore my post, not helpful for what you're dealing with RIGHT NOW, do you want to share what happened?

[Adaline'sMama]

My sister went to Austraila at 15 for two months and loved it. My brother went to soccer camp for 10 days at 15 and called every day from day 8 on wanting to come home. With me being the first child, I was super stifled as a kid. I had to lie and beg my way into having just a little independence. My mom NEVER would have let me go away to camp for more than a week. I wanted to be away from home so badly that I would gladly gone to camp for a year Kids are all different with what they can handle, regardless of whether or not they were raised AP. I think this was a good lesson in what you and DD were comfortable with.

When did she call and say it wasnt ok anymore? Is it because she is across the country doesnt like it?

Is it because you are pregnant that you are really vunerable to being bullied into making decisions you wouldnt normally make? (Umm...I am right about that, right? You are pregnant?)

Would DD enjoy a 3-4 week camp closer to home next year?

Who are these people who are "manipulating" you? Teachers? Friends? Relatives? Other parents?

How long did you know about this trip before she went? Were you well prepared or was it more last minute?



Personally, I am so much more vulnerable to other people's wishes and commands when I am pregnant. I feel like I am inherently emotional and probably irrational and am more likely to listen to others and think that they are being more logical than me, and that I am being ridiculous.

[Lisa1970]

I was writing at one am and on anti nausea medicine (very pregnant) so I guess I was a bit harsh. But, it was my birthday yesterday. And we accidentally set a place for her at the table. She is still home sick. For ME, six weeks away would have been fine. But for her, no. I. Fact, I was gone much longer than this at her age. But I get insulted so much for everything I do. I thought I had such thick skin and had done so well, but really became weak.

I was told she never will be able to handle college if I did not send her to the camp now. But the camp is so far away. She is still home sick. I don't think that means I am a bad parent nor do I think it means we need to send her again next year. Every child is so different. I was on my own and off to college and paying all my own bills at seventeen. But that does not mean my daughter will be or should be. Another issue is the distance. She is so far away and they perform in concerts and at eight months pregnant, I cannot go. She is not allowed computer or cell phone, which I agree with and all, it is camp. but that means communication is very minimal.

It just really bothered me to sit there last night and get told how this is so good for her..specifically,that this HAS been so good for her, by people who would have no clue. I am disapointed in myself that I gave in to the pressure. So, I guess this is more about me and the failure I did by giving in. Some good did come of this trip. She had only been talking about colleges on the other side of the country and did not want to look at anything closer. Now she wants to look closer. The PSATs are this fall, I am not sure if she has to list some possible colleges. She also learned that she does not like playing her instrument ten hours a day. So maybe she needs to consider other career paths. Some of the kids have siblings at Yale and such. She kind of learned that maybe a school like Yale is not the end all be all she thought.

The remarks last night were to the effect that she has always been I secure from being home schooled and she NEEDED this to change her. fact is, she has only been home schooled half her academic years and has not been home schooled in two years. I just really resent the remarks like we are bad for her or she is better off away, etc.

Also, when we returned her to public school, we got a lot of remarks like "good for you" and this is so much better for her and she is too old to be home schooled and she will finally have other people to be around. None of that was true nor was it a part of whyshe went back to school. It was insulting to be told.

Oh, one other thing I got told about sending her, that we use her as a slave at home. There was an assumption that just because she is a girl, she must be slaving away at home and doing all the cooking and cleaning. By the same people, it was pretty much said I kept her home to make her work and isolate her. In reality, she rarely does chores and had extra curriculars eight times a week minimum. She does music and fencing.


Anyway, maybe the camp has not been the worst thing. I just really am unhappy with myself for giving in to the pressures. Maybe it was my pregnant brain being weak. But I was affected by the notion that she has to go or she won't be able to handle college too.

[D_McG]

I am also wondering what's going on at the summer camp.  I hope everything is OK!

Like the others, I don't see anything wrong with a long summer camp for a teenager.  And I don't understand people telling you a 2 week old should be in daycare?  Daycares won't even take a 2 week old.  That doesn't make sense to me.

[Lisa1970]

Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama 

My sister went to Austraila at 15 for two months and loved it. My brother went to soccer camp for 10 days at 15 and called every day from day 8 on wanting to come home. With me being the first child, I was super stifled as a kid. I had to lie and beg my way into having just a little independence. My mom NEVER would have let me go away to camp for more than a week. I wanted to be away from home so badly that I would gladly gone to camp for a year Kids are all different with what they can handle, regardless of whether or not they were raised AP. I think this was a good lesson in what you and DD were comfortable with.

When did she call and say it wasnt ok anymore? Is it because she is across the country doesnt like it?

Is it because you are pregnant that you are really vunerable to being bullied into making decisions you wouldnt normally make? (Umm...I am right about that, right? You are pregnant?)

Would DD enjoy a 3-4 week camp closer to home next year?

Who are these people who are "manipulating" you? Teachers? Friends? Relatives? Other parents?

How long did you know about this trip before she went? Were you well prepared or was it more last minute?



Personally, I am so much more vulnerable to other people's wishes and commands when I am pregnant. I feel like I am inherently emotional and probably irrational and am more likely to listen to others and think that they are being more logical than me, and that I am being ridiculous.

The specific manipulating people do happen to be family, specifically, grandparents. These are people I normally do not listen to. They have always made remarks about everything I do, but I gave in.

I did not even live with my parents by around her age. So my example of how a teen parent relationship should be is based on what I read or see in others. So maybe I am inexperienced. Lots of the kids in dhs family go to boarding school or at bare minimum, spend entire summers at camp and on visitations. My own side just think girls need to be off, away from home. I get told, not so much anymore, but earlier on in my sahm days that all sahm are lazy and bad and , well, really bad. I was even forbidden to babysit for the only sahm in our neighborhood when I was a teen because my mom felt she was such a horrible person for "not working." it is like there is this paranoia that my daughter might choose to be an at home parent some day, or have more than one child and they want to make sure that does not happen. I am serious when I say this. I knew their feelings. But I still caved.

I am probably overreacting. She did call yesterday. But only had about two minutes but was upset about something. I never did find out what about.

[nextcommercial]

At 15, my daughter would have loved it!  She's a huge music geek.  BUT, she doesn't make her own friends very easily, so, she tends to fall into the last group to make friends, and ends up with the kids who aren't very nice to her.  So, once the drama starts, she is unhappy.  

If things are going well for her socially, it'd be the best thing in the world for her.  

I don't think it was such a bad choice.  But, maybe in two weeks, she'll say "I had a blast!".  Maybe next summer, she'll want to go again.

[Lisa1970]

Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama 

My sister went to Austraila at 15 for two months and loved it. My brother went to soccer camp for 10 days at 15 and called every day from day 8 on wanting to come home. With me being the first child, I was super stifled as a kid. I had to lie and beg my way into having just a little independence. My mom NEVER would have let me go away to camp for more than a week. I wanted to be away from home so badly that I would gladly gone to camp for a year Kids are all different with what they can handle, regardless of whether or not they were raised AP. I think this was a good lesson in what you and DD were comfortable with.

When did she call and say it wasnt ok anymore? Is it because she is across the country doesnt like it?

Is it because you are pregnant that you are really vunerable to being bullied into making decisions you wouldnt normally make? (Umm...I am right about that, right? You are pregnant?)

Would DD enjoy a 3-4 week camp closer to home next year?

Who are these people who are "manipulating" you? Teachers? Friends? Relatives? Other parents?

How long did you know about this trip before she went? Were you well prepared or was it more last minute?



Personally, I am so much more vulnerable to other people's wishes and commands when I am pregnant. I feel like I am inherently emotional and probably irrational and am more likely to listen to others and think that they are being more logical than me, and that I am being ridiculous.

She said it was ok that I not travel there for one of her concerts. So I never bought the plane tickets. But a few days ago, when she called, I said something about when she gets home and seeing her then. She got all upset that I was not coming to a concert! I felt awful. I thought she was fine with it. I was afraid to buy the tickets ahead of time with being eight months pregnant. I mean, worried about the travel. So I got back online and now the tickets are over $1000 a piece! It is to a place called traverse city Michigan. With only two weekends left, the tickets are high. I feel like I failed her as a mom. I failed myself, I failed her. Maybe I am just hyper emotional. Do you think I should just let it go! See it as a learning experience? Am I seriously bad that I ..if I, don't fly up there for a concert?

[crunchy_mommy]

YES! Let it go, you both learned things from this. Be gentle with yourself...

[philomom]

Honestly, I would have loved to have been away from my controlling fundamentalists parents at that age.. I used every excuse I could not to be home.

But yeah, I've kept my kids closer and we have homeschooled some. My 17 year old introvert dd has only ever been away for two weeks to a gifted kids enrichment camp. My 15 year old though, is away right now for a month. He is my difficult child and he got an opportunity to go work for money out in the Oregon wilderness with other teens. They are well supervised and as far as I can tell, he's having a blast. But he's my extrovert. I miss him but not the daily struggles we have around here. For me, this was a much needed break in the current family dynamic and allows me and hubby to focus on the older one for a change.

I have a friend with two kids.. one with cerebral palsy and one normal kid. The normal kid goes away for the whole summer. From the age of eight. I once expressed my shock and disbelief at that and the mom told me that is the only way the normal child got out from the shadow of the "special" sibling. So you just can't judge other folks with a broad brush.

I think the point is to honor your child and her personality. It sounds like your daughter did learn a lesson from the camp and that she may have a better set of life goals for herself because of it. I do hope she wasn't miserable the whole time.

[Lisa1970]

Oh no. I never said anything to the certain people about my feeling they push away their children. And the pressurers were not people who have children now. It was my parents, my grandmother, and my mother-in-law. No one was under 65 who pressured me. It was just the same people who were against everything I have done from breastfeeding to home schooling to cosleeping, etc. I had done such a great job putting up boundaries and not letting the remarks get to me. But when they were over for dinner last night (my bday) I got remarks on how good this has been for her and how she has to go next year. But they have no idea. It is like they do not know her at all and like to make these remarks.

Originally Posted by NYCVeg 

I'm sorry that people that being rude to you; certainly, you know what it is best for your family. 

But in your post, I see the stereotypes working both ways. While 6+ weeks away at camp might be wrong for your child, people who allow their children to do such things are not necessarily "pushing their kids away." There are many kids who are eager and ready for such experiences and aren't trying simply to dump their kids. I went to boarding school. I was an extremely independent teenager and it was my choice; I begged my parents to allow me to go. My high school experience was absolutely transformative, and I am deeply grateful to my parents for giving me that gift. I certainly don't think boarding school is right for every teenager, but it was absolutely right for me. I also did 6 weeks of sleep-away camp starting at 10 years old. Again, it was my choice--I went for two weeks my first year (age 9), and then begged my parents to allow me to stay for a full session. I loved every minute of it and it didn't make me any less close to my parents. In fact, I really respect my parents for putting my needs and desires first, when I know it was hard for THEM to let me go (the first year I went to camp, my mom cried at the airport, and I was the one who comforted her--not the other way around!).  

I mean this very gently, but I wonder if some of the comments are a response to what others perceive as judgement on your part of their choices. If another mother told me her fifteen-year-old wasn't ready for a summer away from home, I would presume she knew best. But if that other mother implied that I didn't put family first or was "pushing my child away" because I did allow such things, I would be pretty miffed. 

[D_McG]

Originally Posted by Lisa1970 

 they were over for dinner last night (my bday) I got remarks on how good this has been for her and how she has to go next year. But they have no idea. It is like they do not know her at all and like to make these remarks.

but it sounds like you just heard her upset for a minute?  are you certain she's having an awful time?