Once again, I stupidly let others' advice get to me - Page 2

[Lisa1970]

Thank you everyone for being so nice to me on this. I have had a few anxiety attacks this pregnancy (something I do not normally have) so it is very nice to have everyone be so nice.

And I guess I was being judgemental. I did not really have much of a relationship with my parents nor did my dh with his. So, both of us would have been gone. I have not lived with my parents since 15 myself (my daughter is 15) and barely saw them before that. So my perception is perhaps skewed. I always spent the summers away and in my lifetime, my parents never even looked at my report cards or went to my open houses or anything. So it is not like I am experienced in the teen-parent relationship. I am just thrilled I have a basically good relationship with my children. Yet, they seem to be turning out well, fine anyway. I think they are great anyway.

But thank you everyone. I just wanted to say thanks for being so nice and helpful and kind.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by Lisa1970 
I feel like I failed her as a mom. I failed myself, I failed her. Maybe I am just hyper emotional. Do you think I should just let it go! See it as a learning experience? Am I seriously bad that I ..if I, don't fly up there for a concert?

You are NOT bad if you don't fly up there!!!  Even if it upsets her. My oldest is 14 and seriously does not get how much things cost, or that changing travel plans at the last minute is a HUGE financial decision.

Home sickness isn't fatal, she will survive. She is safe, she is learning from this, and it was her choice to go, right? You didn't force her into this -- you let her do something she wanted to do. And she found out some things about herself.

It is much better that she learn she likes to be closer to you during a 6 week summer camp than making choices about colleges based on a lack of seeing herself clearly.

From what you've said about her in other post, she could be getting SERIOUS money for college, so planning around schools that will work for her for all four years is important.

I would have loved being away from my family for that long at that age, my 14 year old just spent her first WEEK away this last school year and was really scared when she left. Every one is different. Some kids thrive in going cross the country to college, some kids thrive seeing their parents every weekend. One thing isn't better than the other, though we do tend to end up happiest when we really know and accept ourselves, and that is part of what is happening for your DD right now.

It isn't not our job as parents to prevent our  TEENS from making choices that they end up not being totally happy with, that they can learn from.

I do think that you are really emotional right now -- pregnancy plus lack of sleep plus unhappy teen on the other side of the country is a heck of a lot to deal with. Even though the way you feel is the way you feel, may be accepting that it's a feeling that will pass will help. It isn't permanent. If there is any way to cut yourself some slack -- take a bath, lie down and listen to music -- anything. Just that feeling of relief, of trust that she is going to be OK, that you've been a good mother, and that her happiness in each moment isn't the deciding factor in how you are doing as a mother.

Peace.

[LynnS6]

It sounds to me that it was a real learning experience for HER. Remember how you were worried about her unrealistic goals earlier this year? She has matured a lot and learned a lot about herself. If you force her to go again,then that would not be listening to your gut. You had no way of knowing at the beginning of the summer that this child who was talking about going to Juliard would get horribly homesick away from home. Now you know and can plan better for next summer and college.

[Lisa1970]

Originally Posted by LynnS6 

It sounds to me that it was a real learning experience for HER. Remember how you were worried about her unrealistic goals earlier this year? She has matured a lot and learned a lot about herself. If you force her to go again,then that would not be listening to your gut. You had no way of knowing at the beginning of the summer that this child who was talking about going to Juliard would get horribly homesick away from home. Now you know and can plan better for next summer and college.

this is true. If all she gets out of this is more realistic goals for her future, that will be a lot.

[captain optimism]

You couldn't know she was going to be homesick or how much you were going to miss her. I don't think you should blame yourself or even the annoying older relatives who advised you to send her. 

I think it was a splendidly brave thing that you and she both did, making the arrangements for her to go to what is almost certainly the best music camp in the country, when it's so far away. Yes, she's young to be away from home that long, and your family is laudably, enviably close, so it must have been a difficult decision in the first place. This is the daughter who wants to study at Julliard, right? Going to this camp will give her a foretaste of what that might be like.  

If you both decide that it wasn't worth the pain of separation, she doesn't have to go again. There are other musical experiences she can seek out closer to home. I think she's the one who is going to have the most valuable opinion about this, not her grandparents or great-grandmother, and she's going to have them after the summer is all over, when she can evaluate whether the highs were worth the lows. 

[dessismama]

Oh mama.... It is hard... my 12 year old was 1000 miles away at music camp for 4 weeks in Indiana, and I missed him terribly. He seemed to have a great time overall although he did call me on July 4th saying how much he wanted to come home right away. Now he is at another music camp where he cannot call nor communicate with me except through letters. He is not even allowed an Ipod, this is how strict they are! I miss him like crazy again but he wanted to do this and I think it is harder for me than it is for him. I am counting the days like you are.... and sending tons of letters.

Your DD will be home soon enough and I am sure she learned a lot at Interlochen. One of DS's friends is there--he is the concert master of the high school orchestra and he loves it, according to reports from him mom.

Hugs to you!!
 

Originally Posted by Lisa1970 

Thank you everyone for being so nice to me on this. I have had a few anxiety attacks this pregnancy (something I do not normally have) so it is very nice to have everyone be so nice.

And I guess I was being judgemental. I did not really have much of a relationship with my parents nor did my dh with his. So, both of us would have been gone. I have not lived with my parents since 15 myself (my daughter is 15) and barely saw them before that. So my perception is perhaps skewed. I always spent the summers away and in my lifetime, my parents never even looked at my report cards or went to my open houses or anything. So it is not like I am experienced in the teen-parent relationship. I am just thrilled I have a basically good relationship with my children. Yet, they seem to be turning out well, fine anyway. I think they are great anyway.

But thank you everyone. I just wanted to say thanks for being so nice and helpful and kind.

[karne]

I'm still missing something.  Is your daughter actually miserable, or is it you having a hard time?  

ETA: Just saw your new thread about meeting a boy at camp.  So, maybe things are better than you thought?

[mattemma04]

I would avoid the people who make you feel bad.Seriously,family or not avoid them.They start in on you cut them of with," I don't want to hear it." If they push hang up the phone,block emails,or kick them out of the house. It is up to you if you want to live like this.It is up to you if you want to let these comments upset you.Me, I could not hear the comments and not be bothered.I have to stop the comments beofre I hear them.

As for your children you are family orientated so you talk with them,and you do what you and the kids feel is best.Your dd tried the camp.If she likes it let her go again,and if she did not that is fine too.I prefer day camps too.6 weeks even for a teen would be to much.Dh and I passed on letting our 12yo go to a week camp with her school class.Only one other girl did not go.It was the right choice for us,and dd survived not going.No one dared to question our choice about it either-they better not!!!!!

Best wishes whatever you decide to do with the naysayers.

[D_McG]

Originally Posted by karne 

I'm still missing something.  Is your daughter actually miserable, or is it you having a hard time?  

that's still not clear to me, either.