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Talking to children about sexual abuse - Page 2

post #21 of 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by MittensKittens View Post





Of course, we shouldn't SIMPLY insist on female-only caregivers, but on caregivers that we trust. That is also a reason I don't choose a public daycare - I am capable of vetting one person, but in daycares many people may have access to children, and parents can't always control those situations. 

 

I don't buy into the notion that there is no way to know who will abuse kids. I think there are nearly always indications, and we need to know how to recognize them. That is not to say that parents who genuinely didn't know are at fault (especially if the abuser is a child's father, for instance, there was a story on MDC a few years back and that mom stepped in to protect her daughter the second she found out). But I do think there is a lot we can do to prevent abuse. Unfortunately, abusers are often attracted to families who are already abusive (physically or emotionally) or dysfunctional. That certainly holds true in my case. 

 

As for the question you asked, that is exactly when I am talking about. Keep your kids safe. If someone gives you the creeps, don't allow them alone time with your child. No exceptions for family. Just tell your DH you are not comfortable with that. 

The bolded was totally untrue in DD case. Wonderful family, no abuse to the child or children in the family and nothing that led any of us to see it coming. I always thought I would have a gut feeling at least and that is just terrifyingly untrue.
 

 

post #22 of 35

One of the things that Gavin DeBecker stresses in his books is that it's OK to not be polite to people when they cross your boundaries. So in addition to the things that others have mentioned, I model firm boundaries for my kids. I was in a store today and they wanted my phone # when I checked out. I said 'no'. Politely, but firmly. I don't want them calling me. 

post #23 of 35
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katie T View Post

I didn't read the replys but my DD1 was sexually abused by her second cousin when she was 3/4yo. She waited yrs to tell me about it even though from the age of 2ish I had talked with her about how no one should touch you and you can always tell mommy I will never be mad at you ect. In the end it didn't help and it was a trusted family member who molested her. When this took place the family was really close and we were together every week/other week. I don't know what to tell you. She knew no one was suppose to touch her in her privates but he talked her into it/scared her off telling me about it. 

 

With my younger 2 I still tell them the same things I told DD1 but I don't feel they are old enough to understand what happened to her. She has been through therapy and we still have issues that come up because of it. It makes me so mad. It will forever effect her. : ( I no longer trust people at all. Even family. I have had people I had "bad feelings" about and knew I didn't trust them alone with DD but what was one of the hardest things for me was that my mommy radar never went off for this guy. He confessed but is not on the registry because they don't feel he is at risk to reoffend. Makes me mad. Anyways. Thats me story.



I am so sorry, Katie. `hug2.gif

post #24 of 35

Polly Klass foundation gives out a pamphlet on talking to your kids.

post #25 of 35

I just finished Protecting the Gift and it was FANTASTIC. Every parent should read this book!

post #26 of 35
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by T-man's Mama View Post

I just finished Protecting the Gift and it was FANTASTIC. Every parent should read this book!



I agree, Check out the Gift or Fear too! 

post #27 of 35


Hi, who is the author of Gift or Fear.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by MittensKittens View Post





I agree, Check out the Gift or Fear too! 



 

post #28 of 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyllya View Post

I wonder if males are actually much more likely to commit abuse or if they're just more likely to get caught?


They are undoubtedly more likely to sexually abuse children.  It isn't just a matter of who gets "caught."  The statistics on who is abusing children are also based on reports of sexual abuse survivors. 
 

 

post #29 of 35
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Neera View Post


Hi, who is the author of Gift or Fear.

 

Quote:



 

Also Gavin de Becker.
 

 

post #30 of 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katie T View Post

I didn't read the replys but my DD1 was sexually abused by her second cousin when she was 3/4yo. She waited yrs to tell me about it even though from the age of 2ish I had talked with her about how no one should touch you and you can always tell mommy I will never be mad at you ect. In the end it didn't help and it was a trusted family member who molested her. When this took place the family was really close and we were together every week/other week. I don't know what to tell you. She knew no one was suppose to touch her in her privates but he talked her into it/scared her off telling me about it. 

 

With my younger 2 I still tell them the same things I told DD1 but I don't feel they are old enough to understand what happened to her. She has been through therapy and we still have issues that come up because of it. It makes me so mad. It will forever effect her. : ( I no longer trust people at all. Even family. I have had people I had "bad feelings" about and knew I didn't trust them alone with DD but what was one of the hardest things for me was that my mommy radar never went off for this guy. He confessed but is not on the registry because they don't feel he is at risk to reoffend. Makes me mad. Anyways. Thats me story.



I am so sorry Katie, your story terrifies me

post #31 of 35

I am struggling with this as well. I was molested a few times as a child and I agree with the OP that it is the parent's duty to protect their child. I've just finished reading A Stolen Life and have sort of become paranoid. DD just gets so little of what I am trying to tell her. Maybe I am making her fearful but in my mind she'd rather be scared of strangers than be too comfortable. Dh doesn't really get it either. He's really cool, I'd say just like my father - sexual abuse doesn't ever cross his mind. He's careful but over this issue - not at all.  If

 

If I tried to explain rape and sexual abuse, she would understand none of it. She is 4.5. About being a survivor, well, I have told her things like I was going up our apt. bldg stair case and a man grabbed me. She gets v. scared when I tell her that. And to most things she asks "Why?" I've been telling her that there are bad people out there, men and women and we just have to be aware of that. But, that's as far as she'll understand. She goes down and comes up our apt. stair case independently, but I stand at our apt. door till she goes out and is in my view. I constantly watch her from our window if I am not out with her. I get no work done until she is out there. I should tell her to shout loudly but I am wondering if a stranger approached her with candy or something like that will she understand it is a trap? I have warned her of that but I bet if it were to actually happen she would have no memory of it.

 

Don't want to take away from your post or add fears but hoping that this will create little more awarness. I had read a post in which the pp said she was molested at school. I don't know why I didn't ask her but I have always wondered how that could have happened. It is v. possible dd was on my case and I forgot to get back to the thread. I am worried school bathrooms arent' safe. I don't know if I am being paranoid. I am also relating this to a recent incident at the public pool. We were at our town's public swimming pool changing/shower room and while I was changing a staff member ( a man) had walked in. I was a bit shocked as I am hearing him. The shower cubicles had curtains but you know how those curtains are where u can peek from the sides. I might have confronted him but I was changing. And that brings me to worry that cleaners might be walking into the girl's bathrooms at school.

 

Sorry, I am not much help. I am here for help too.



 

Quote:

 

 

I wonder how others handle this. Do you explicitly explain that there are people who will sexually abuse and rape children? Do you tell them what to do if they find themselves in a situation where someone is trying to harm them? If you are a survivor yourself, have you told your children about that?

 

We have discussed self-defense, screaming really loudly to attract attention and scare off attackers, and that kind of thing. I protect my children from sexual abuse by being there all the time, or with close friends whom I trust. But you never know what might happen, and I'd like to equip my children to keep themselves safe independently, as well. 

 

 

post #32 of 35

i really think kids need to know age appropriate information about their bodies and sex and that NO ONE should be touching them on their private parts or asking them to do the same. the vast majority of sexual abuse occurs in the home, either by fathers or stepfathers and our children need to know that they HAVE to tell no matter what and that those type of secrets are not to be kept. i tell my kids that they have to tell me even if it is about someone they love, like their dad, grandparents, uncles etc and that by telling they are doing a very loving thing for the person who hurt them so that they can get the help they need also to stop hurting others.

 

problem is, sexual abuse is complicated by feelings of love and loyalty on behalf of the child. i think it is something like 1 in 10 kids actually tell someone about the molestation/abuse.  i don't know that there is a simple or easy way to address this topic to our kids greensad.gif

 

mothers very often do NOT recognize or see the abuse, that is also a myth and i think we need to stay away from "blaming" moms for something they had no clue about.

post #33 of 35
I wonder about this...I have big issues with my mom who left me with her abuser for the nights she went out and me and sister got to sleep in his bed with him...there were only a couple minor incidents..but I told my mom and I was brushed off as being perverted for having dirty thoughts at the age of five...seems like everyone I know was a victim at some point and I have trust issues and really just don't let many people watch my kids..though I did leave ds with dhs friends while we had dd...it has been hard letting ds go to ps, as I am terrified that an older child or male at the school may harm him so I have upped our safety talks, though in reality I do believe he is at little risk at school but I must internally convince myself and must teach him and eventually dd the lifeskills to help themselves and know what to do in an abusive situation.
post #34 of 35
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by ILoveMyBabyBird View Post

I wonder about this...I have big issues with my mom who left me with her abuser for the nights she went out and me and sister got to sleep in his bed with him...there were only a couple minor incidents..but I told my mom and I was brushed off as being perverted for having dirty thoughts at the age of five...seems like everyone I know was a victim at some point and I have trust issues and really just don't let many people watch my kids..though I did leave ds with dhs friends while we had dd...it has been hard letting ds go to ps, as I am terrified that an older child or male at the school may harm him so I have upped our safety talks, though in reality I do believe he is at little risk at school but I must internally convince myself and must teach him and eventually dd the lifeskills to help themselves and know what to do in an abusive situation.


I am so sorry! Unfortunately, this is exactly what I was talking about when I said parents have a duty to watch out for warning signs. It is not a myth that they do mostly exist. And, the most obvious warning sign of them all is a kid actually TELLING their parent about abuse. Sadly even that is brushed off all too often. It happened to me, too. I was 11, but the reaction was to my telling was similar. 

 

post #35 of 35

Not sure if anyone posted this yet, but there is a well done short video that we have that I think does a great job!  I don't have time to write more but thought I'd share.  My little 8 week old is beckoning me!  :) 

 

http://www.thesafeside.com/

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