Why do women want to be the "Second Sex" - Page 4

[sosurreal09]

OK not to get everyone's feathers in a bunch but I am a 23 y/o SAHM and get nothing but sh*t for it from EVERYONE. I think things have changed in the younger generations. I am EXPECTED to work and quite a few people were up in arms that I even got married let alone took DH's last name...

I get crap all the time that DD is not in daycare and I'm not working....and it totally pisses me off.

If you want to go work and have your kid in daycare for some cause...good for you, but I don't want that and it should be OK too. I am so sick of the harassment that I am some weak woman for wanting to JUST be a mom.

I'd rather fight for my child's rights than my own and I think a lot of babies/kids get the short end of the stick b/c of the whole two full time working parents thing...

*don't flame me, it's just IMHO*

[ElliesMomma]

perhaps you are getting more support from the men BECAUSE they are the ones in charge, and therefore have the liberty of making decisions in your favor. the women, such as the one filling out the forms with you are underlings, and have to report to the men.
 

Originally Posted by LittleGriff 
Sincere inquiry here, is it sexist? I feel that women far more more often than men tend to tell me to get in line and do as other women are doing (i.e. not demanding so much for themselves). That's been my experience. Men have been the ones telling me go for it, you're doing great, you deserve this, etcetera. I've so rarely gotten that from a female colleague. (I can think of only one at the moment.) Don't just tell another woman "things never change" and leave it at that - help change them!

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by sosurreal09 

I'd rather fight for my child's rights than my own and I think a lot of babies/kids get the short end of the stick b/c of the whole two full time working parents thing...

You know, this can be your opinion, but don't come and say it on a WORKING MOTHERS forum, b/c its pretty offensive to read that you think my kid is getting the short end of the stick.

[sosurreal09]

You're right.I didn't realize it was the working mothers forum b/c I just read the title in new posts. I apologize as I can now see that was something offensive to write. I was trying to make a point, not hurt feelings.

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 

You know, this can be your opinion, but don't come and say it on a WORKING MOTHERS forum, b/c its pretty offensive to read that you think my kid is getting the short end of the stick.

[Mama Soltera]

I think we all just have to admit that we ALL get shit for the choices we make as women and mothers. It's always wrong in someone else's opinion and it's more of the war of the women type of thing that we discussed before. Whichever your choice is, it can feel like everyone's against it because you notice that end more. I've been on both sides all the way though, so I know it's true all around.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by sosurreal09 

You're right.I didn't realize it was the working mothers forum b/c I just read the title in new posts. I apologize as I can now see that was something offensive to write. I was trying to make a point, not hurt feelings.

The point you made was a good one.  However, your opinion of working mothers is offensive.  I don't have any problems with mom's choosing to SAH, even though its something I wouldn't do in a million years (it doesn't work with my personality, and I would be the worst mom ever if I did the SAH gig long term) - its really not too much to ask that you respect our choice to WOH in much the same way.  Especially since you are in no position to judge our choices, or how we are raising our children.  Mom's do the best they can, with what they have, whether or not they are SAH or WOH - we can only do the best we can.

Originally Posted by Mama Soltera 

I think we all just have to admit that we ALL get shit for the choices we make as women and mothers. It's always wrong in someone else's opinion and it's more of the war of the women type of thing that we discussed before. Whichever your choice is, it can feel like everyone's against it because you notice that end more. I've been on both sides all the way though, so I know it's true all around.

Yep.  War of the mommies.  It pretty much sucks.

[Quinalla]

Yes, if the standard practice is to put the person who makes more money first, fine, I'm ok with that personally, but to assume that is the man is rude and insulting. In my case, my DH happens to make more money than me, but there is no way to know that without actually checking that info.

Car dealerships/loans are another where you run into this so much. Once I tell a salesperson that the car is for me when DH and I are out looking (preferably they should ask us, but I will forgive that one), if they don't immediately direct all conversation to me first, then we walk out and have done so at numerous places. I will not put up with that! I had to tell off my Acura dealer since after I made my first service appointment, we bought the car in both of our names but stressed that it was my car and all correspondence goes to me. Anyway, I called and made the appointment and gave them my cell number, well they called to confirm it with my DH at work!! This pissed me off a lot so when I went in, I sat down with the service rep and had him supposedly go into their records and change everything to point to me. Well, he screwed it up and they called DH for the follow up on the appointment. I called back very angry and luckily got a different person who seemed to actually get why this would piss me off. It better be cleared up now, or I will get serviced elsewhere. It's such a simple thing and there is no excuse for them to screw it up after being told 3 times that I wanted everything to reference me. Two people on the loan doesn't mean that it is automatically my DHs car, grrr.

But yeah, there are definitely women out there who buy into the patriarchy. I used to be one of them so I try to be gentle with those who aren't where I am yet, but I also don't stand for that BS either.

[Carma]

Usually it is is taking your husbands name or keeping your father's name ;-) What's the difference?

I get crap all the time that DD is not in daycare and I'm not working....and it totally pisses me off.

If you want to go work and have your kid in daycare for some cause...good for you, but I don't want that and it should be OK too. I am so sick of the harassment that I am some weak woman for wanting to JUST be a mom.

I'd rather fight for my child's rights than my own and I think a lot of babies/kids get the short end of the stick b/c of the whole two full time working parents thing...

If your DH supports you and your DD I have no issues at all, don't understand why people would give you a bad time. But what if your DH has the same desire? Then the two full time working parents just have to pay a bit more taxes?

Also, it is much better accepted for a woman to stay home and not work outside the home than for a man. That is also sexist.

Carma

[transylvania_mom]

Originally Posted by LittleGriff 
 they seem to all take their hubby's name and happily slink off to lurk beneath his shadow anyway.

Originally Posted by Carma 

Usually it is is taking your husbands name or keeping your father's name ;-) What's the difference?

I agree with this. Thanks for mentioning it.

OP, good for you for standing up to be treated fairly.

[kathrineg]

I don't get how you work in a business where porn and strip clubs are the accepted norm and yet you see WOMEN as holding you back and perpetuating sexism and going along with the status quo. Do you say anything about the porn or do you just let it go? Why are the things you choose to accept vs fight about okay, but other women are hypocrites?

And in the case of women who don't want to be mommy tracked, you blame them for trying to avoid marginalization, and not the men who would marginalize them. Why?

You criticize women for taking their husbands' names when they obviously don't want to do it--why not blame the men who spouted egalitarian bullshit until the woman had spent years investing in the relationship? They're not hypocrites?

I think it would be valuable for you to look at the ways you're letting men off the hook in order to blame the victim(s).

[kathrineg]

And, one more thing, you openly admit that other women need their husbands/male partners more than you do. Why would you be surprised that women who are more dependent on men would be more deferential to them and less likely to make waves? Not every woman has the ability to be economically self-sufficient, especially once they have children to support. Just because you have that ability doesn't make other women spineless, weak, or "slinking". 

[Amy M]

Well, I haven't read over all the replies and I am a SAHM who took hubbies name (for full disclosure).  Maybe some of it is the area you live?  I just refinanced our mortgage- some stuff was in both DH and my name and some exclusively in mine due to our finances when the house was first purchased.  I have done all the research, paperwork, discussions etc always putting DH first as he is the one breadwinner in the family.  Yesterday I received a call from the agent asking if I wanted DH listed on the deed and the insurance as he was not previously.  I told him of course and he told me he has completed so many in just the wife's name recently he wanted to make sure we were to both be listed on everything. 

At the car dealership the sales people (usually 20-40 yr old men) always defer to me about decisions.  It's possibly b/c I state right out we are a family and need such and such in a vehicle but they go through me and then I let DH deal with the paperwork b/c I dont want to and he likes to haggle.  Our last purchase the dealer repeatedly tried to get me to join in the office but I was chasing around two little ones and just did not want to.  The interesting thing is I live in the rural south.

Maybe some places are different than others or maybe I just don't pick up on some of the stuff but just a story to let you know that maybe things are progressing.

Maybe for some or the other stuff we just need to give each other a break.  I am happy as a SAHM, I have a friend who loves her kids daycare and would never want to quit work as well as another who will probably never have kids, we all love each other for who we are.  I agree you should have insisted on your name on the sheets and maybe educated the office staff about what was going on but for some of this stuff let people be where they are happy.