Ped said I should keep an eye out...

[Dina Pina]

Hello,

I am new to this forum, and in need of advice. My son's ped said I should keep an eye out on him since he is exuding signs of 'giftedness'. My son is only 17 months old, so I am not taking this to heart, but I have had comments from other moms as well how advanced he was for his age. I am a first time mom, so I guess I assume this is normal until I go to play groups. 

I guess my questions is, what were the early signs of giftedness that you remember? 

At 17 months, my son (bilingual) can SAY over 65 words, and uses simple phrases like "I love" "I do" "you do". The longest word he can say is "arigato-" (a 4 syllable word in Japanese). He pretty much self-taught the alphabet. I'll point to a letter and he can tell me what it is. Or I'll say, where is the letter Q? and he'll flip the alphabet book to Q and point at it. Today, he asked for the "kran" (crayon) and flipped to his alphabet book and tried to 'draw' the letter R next to it. Now that he thinks he knows the alphabet, he is playing with his Japanese books and pointing to a few of the characters. He learned shapes and colors by 16 months.

As a newborn he was a grunter, which then became babbling by 3 months. He said his first word(s) at 7 months, but when he was 5 months old, he was imitating my intonations. 

Although, he's pretty much on the avg milestones or maybe even slightly less than avg with the physical (he took his first step around 14 months). BUT he LOVES music, and will dance to classical, Michael Buble and Journey (he loves that one song Don't Stop Believing)

Does this sound familiar to you? Or is the ped making a bigger deal out of this? 

[moominmamma]

His language skills sound a bit ahead of the curve to me for a kid hearing two languages -- often that will slow kids down in the early stages and he doesn't sound slowed down (two of my gifted kids were late talkers, so hey, I'm impressed). The alphabet and character recognition definitely sound advanced. Really, though, at this stage you can't know anything for sure, nor does it really matter. You just give toddlers an interesting environment surrounded by people who love them, and respond to their needs and desires. Whether they're gifted or not.

Enjoy!

Miranda

[loraxc]

Really, though, at this stage you can't know anything for sure, nor does it really matter. You just give toddlers an interesting environment surrounded by people who love them, and respond to their needs and desires. Whether they're gifted or not.

I agree and disagree. While being aware of potential giftedness didn't really change anything about the activities I did with my kids, reading about it gave me a great deal of insight into DD's intense and often difficult personality as a toddler. The OP didn't mention this, so it may not be an issue (my son is probably gifted too but was waaaaay more easygoing), but if you find your child to be unusually intense and confusing behaviorally, you might benefit from reading about emotional characteristics about gifted kids.

My DD had a huge vocabulary at your son's age and also knew letters, colors, shapes etc by 14-16 months. In her case these milestones were indeed an accurate tip-off to giftedness. We also had a ped say something similar to us at her 1-year WCV, and I remember being knocked off-balance by it, so I can identify with your post.
Edited by loraxc - 8/4/11 at 7:51am

[moominmamma]

Originally Posted by loraxc 

 but if you find your child to be unusually intense and confusing behaviorally, you might benefit from reading about emotional characteristics about gifted kids.
 

On the other hand, I found it simpler just to not fuss with what's "normal," or "usual" and just respond to the particular kid I had been given. I remember reading a gifted message board when my dd was about 3 and there were all these threads about "gifted and spirited" kids and I really didn't feel like I belonged -- because although she was clearly very bright my kid wasn't spirited in the slightest. She was mostly calm, quiet, focused, content, almost never cried or got upset. Sure, she'd had very occasional meltdowns, but overall I just responded to what she seemed to need and life was okay. One day I finally delurked and posted my very first message on gifted board, titled "Gifted and NOT spirited, anyone?" 

In the discussion that ensued it became clear that most of the other parents on the board, if they'd had to deal with my child, would have characterized her as exceptionally intense and difficult. But because I had no preconceptions about what was normal kid behaviour or normal parenting, I had just rolled with whatever she threw my way and found a workaround. I suppose I was just blissfully ignorant. For instance, as a baby she screamed and turned purple whenever she was put down. After trying that a handful of times I just figured I couldn't put her down, and for about 16 months straight I held her -- wore her, carried her, cuddled her, slept with her. I didn't try to put her down, settle her for naps, pass her off to others. I just assumed I had to keep holding her, because that's what she seemed to be telling me. We had a similar "whoa! okay, that certainly doesn't work!" experience when I tentatively tried a traditional punitive discipline strategy (eg. a time-out). It sure was counter-productive! So I never tried to punish her again. And life got better. I discovered pretty soon thereafter that I couldn't reward her either; she saw right through rewards as another form of behavioural control, the other side of the punishment coin. I found other positive discipline strategies. 

In retrospect I see how far from mainstream my parenting approach veered as I responded to what she seemed to need. But at the time I just thought that was how life as a parent had to be for me, and so I dealt with it. I really think that unquestioningly responding to who she was and what she seemed to need from me as a parent and not comparing her to other kids was the best, happiest approach for both of us. It kept her happy, and it kept me from resenting what other parents probably got ... an occasional babysitter or grandma able to relieve them, more than 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep, two arms available for prepping vegetables. 

I was fortunate (though unfortunate in some respects) not to have had a circle of mainstream parents of similar aged kids around to help me form preconceptions about what normal children and normal parents do. I live in a weird backwoods retro-hippie subculture where anything goes and all sorts of strange parenting and interpersonal and lifestyle approaches are "normal". It has been very freeing for a parent who has quirky kids. But I do take your point, loraxc: some kids' intensity can be very confusing and probably in a more mainstream area it's tougher to reach way outside the box for coping strategies. In that case an understanding of some of the common personality traits in gifted kids could be helpful.

Miranda

[loraxc]

I see what you're saying, but with all due respect (I mean that!), I think your experience is unusual, probably due both to the isolation you refer to and your own personality, which sounds even-keeled and easygoing and also perhaps more able to adapt to extremes. I found my DD very difficult as it was and I would really have indeed totally lost it if I had to to be in constant contact with her as you describe.

It sounds like you did very well with it!--but I don't think many people would, regardless of expectations. I understand the philosophy of "You just adapt to what your child tells you he/she needs" but this can be very hard for some people (for instance, I have major personal space needs--cosleeping awful for me and I did it only as long as it seemed genuinely necessary) and when there is a "You just do what you have to do" attitude from others, yet you feel like just CAN'T cope with the unusual demands your child is making, it can feel really terrible. I believe there HAS to be a dance of adapation among all parties and that it's really important to give parents permission to say "Hey, this is super hard!" and also "Hey, this is damn near killing me--help!"

[Tigerle]

Originally Posted by moominmamma 

I was fortunate (though unfortunate in some respects) not to have had a circle of mainstream parents of similar aged kids around to help me form preconceptions about what normal children and normal parents do. I live in a weird backwoods retro-hippie subculture where anything goes and all sorts of strange parenting and interpersonal and lifestyle approaches are "normal". It has been very freeing for a parent who has quirky kids. But I do take your point, loraxc: some kids' intensity can be very confusing and probably in a more mainstream area it's tougher to reach way outside the box for coping strategies. In that case an understanding of some of the common personality traits in gifted kids could be helpful.

Miranda

I think a lot of our preconceptions about what normal children and normal parents do are formed before we actually have children; it's not all about the community you happen to find yourself in at the point. It sure makes it easier for dealing with outsiders when others don't have preconceptions (eg when children are being intense in public...) but some stuff about intensity is just SO HARD dealing with all by yourself, in your own house, long after you've let go of any preconceptions about what should or shouldn't be going down. I think that Loraxc is right - it isn't all about the preconceptions. Miranda, I am just happy for you you made it through sane and sound - my child's unusual needs (more to do with prematurity at the time than with giftedness I think) put me in the hospital for a week and rehab for another three, and I am never completely painfree to this day. And this winter, they sent us to the local children's psychiatric hospital for an ASD evaluation. Turns out it is probably all about giftedness, sensory needs and asynchronousness - I've been reading so much I keep thinking I am prepared for anything but I am just not, but I was commended for how much I had been doing right just by keeping abreast of what I might expect.

To the OP: the counseling we received recently has once again shown me the value of keeping asynchronousness in mind: meaning that intellectual development, physical development and socio-emotional development can be wildly disparate in gifted kids, and if you are able to talk to your 2yo as if he were 4 or 5 you might just place unreasonable expectations on him in other ways in which he just isn't that advanced (which is what we are told we do, with a child whose socio-emotional development is actually somewhat slow). So there is some value in watching just what other kids that age are doing, so you get a reality check about just how little they actually are in many ways even though they can sound so grown up a lot of the day.

Another thing that I like to tell people to watch out for is reactive hypoglycemia, which is apparently more common in gifted kids: behaviour spiralling out of control when their blood sugar goes down, as opposed to just saying "Mama, I'm hungry." Easy enough to keep under control with protein-rich meals and regular protein-rich snacks, so something to keep in mind in case your child keeps melting down in uncontrollable ways just before noon or dinnertime: some yoghurt or nuts around 10 pm or 4 pm will work wonders.

And you need to learn to keep your mouth shut: if you want to keep your playgroup friends, don't talk about your child's unusual achievements in front of them, even those you don't think are anything special, because you might not know how unusual they are; and if they bring it up, practice non-committal ways of saying "oh yes, he really loves words" or whatever...

And WELCOME! Enjoy the ride - the toddler stage is so much fun I think, because it is so unusual to hear what is going throught the mind of a one year old...

[Roar]

Originally Posted by moominmamma 


I was fortunate (though unfortunate in some respects) not to have had a circle of mainstream parents of similar aged kids around to help me form preconceptions about what normal children and normal parents do. I live in a weird backwoods retro-hippie subculture where anything goes and all sorts of strange parenting and interpersonal and lifestyle approaches are "normal". It has been very freeing for a parent who has quirky kids. But I do take your point, loraxc: some kids' intensity can be very confusing and probably in a more mainstream area it's tougher to reach way outside the box for coping strategies. In that case an understanding of some of the common personality traits in gifted kids could be helpful.

Miranda

How this turns out probably depends a great deal on the nature of your kids' quirks. If your kids are the kind of quirky that is not totally dysfunctional and they grow into people who are capable and can do stuff it works. If on the other hand you have a kid who is pain and is unhappy due to their quirks and they are the types of quirks that don't naturally resolve, it can turn out to be a very bad thing as the child can become increasingly anxious and isolated and less and less capable of being successful in situations. This is something I've seen a bit with some more isolated homeschoolers as their kids become teens. Some of the "weird" kids are great - passionate interests, out in the community, doing cool stuff. Some of the more "quirky" kids have missed so many years of development that now they are so deep in a hole it is tough to dig out. The fact that for years their parents did not have a peer group that made them aware that the child needed help did them no service. At times it can be a situation where the parent is so invested in her vision of the child's non mainstream life that she can't acknowledge when help is needed. "It doesn't matter that he's got these problems because we are homeschooling and that fixes everything, in mainstream school he'd be a wreck, but here at home he's great." Except he's not.
 

I feel very fortunate that we had enough supportive peers to realize stuff wasn't working for our child. Getting some services like physical therapy and occupational therapy made a gigantic world of difference in his daily happiness and in his long term life prospects. We are so lucky to live where there were good options.

More than what you get from your peer group, your personal attitude about conformity can make a difference. People who are very mainstream, who have only mainstream friends, who imagined a mainstream life, may feel less comfortable with what I'd call acceptable eccentricities and quirks. They've got a rough road to accepting and not changing some stuff that doesn't need changing. But, I'd say parents who are invested in being quirky, hippy, nonmainstreamers may have just as tough of a road to dealing with problems that actually need to be dealt. In both cases it requires admitting the fantasy they decided on before they were parents isn't what happened.

[moominmamma]

Yes, I think think there's a world of difference between saying "my kid doesn't have to fit the mainstream mold of average school-attending 8-year-olds" and saying "my kid doesn't have to fit into anything, ever." My eldest, for example, was selectively mute -- at ages 4 through 7 was totally non-verbal in school-like large-group situations and minimally verbal beyond the walls of our house. If I hadn't begun to see a softening of her symptoms, I would have pursued formal diagnosis and intervention. As it was I protected her from the most overwhelming of school-like situations, nurtured her along via homeschooling *but still giving her ample opportunity to begin to stretch herself within her zone of proximal development* by being out and about in the community and a variety of real-world situations. Because things gradually improved, because I could see that eventually she was likely to be able to cope in the larger world, I rested easy. By age 8 she was beginning to speak in small-group situations -- which is most of what the real world involves. It was enough of a toe-hold for me to relax about it. 

I think it's important not to get mired down in how your child matches up with "norms" in the short term, but you do need to keep your eyes on the horizon of the long-term, considering how he or she will grow up to have a comfortable and fulfilling life in the real world as an independant adult.

Miranda