Two Years Old Too Young? I am sad and scared....

[happy*mama]

My ds is enrolled in a toddler Montessori program to start this fall, three mornings a week.  He just turned two yesterday.  I am feeling very anxious and sad about his being at school at such a young age.  I feel that I am not ready for this separation as I have been a SAHM mom since my first trimester with my ds.  I am having worries that he will feel I have "abandoned" him.  I want him to thrive, which he already does tremendously, but I am not so sure that sending him to school at such a young age is right.  He has many years of school ahead of him, so I feel like he should be free, so to speak, while he can be.  If you have been through this, how did you handle these feelings?  DH thinks the program is what is best for ds, but is fine with ds continuing to stay at home full time.  We are very active, going out almost everyday:  grocery store,  music together classes, library story times, yoga classes, occasional play dates, beach, other errands, grandparents house, etc.   I am looking for some support/insight from parents who have dealt with these feelings.  The Montessori school is the only school in our area that we are comfortable with (we visited a Waldorf school and a play based "school" as well).  The school is 25 minutes from our house (we live in the country) and I would be working during the hours that ds would be at school so that we can afford the tuition.  I currently work very PT (approx. 8 hours per month total) from home.  DS's going to school would be an additional expense with no chance of me making enough to walk away with extra money.  So his going is not about us working towards a better financial picture, but mostly about his social needs.  Not sure what to do, but need to decide soon as we have paid some tuition and have a deadline to notify the school if we change our minds and decide to keep him home.  I am son confused and unsure.  Childhood is so short...

[mommytimes2]

I would go with your gut and put it off for another year or two. Two is pretty young to be away from mommy, unless you need daycare in order to work, but it sounds like you would be working in order to afford school. I, personally, would enjoy this time you have together while he is still so young...no need to rush. My 4 year old DD is just starting preschool this year and is very ready and excited...

[ollyoxenfree]

My first thought was that 3 mornings a week isn't a lot of time away. If it's similar to programs here, it's about 3 hours. At 2 1/2 and almost 3 yrs., my dc attended 5 mornings per week and enjoyed it. They were so involved and absorbed in activities and socializing with their classmates that they barely noticed that I was gone. I was a little sad but I also enjoyed watching them having fun, exploring a new aspect of life and becoming confident in a new situation. 

Your post doesn't mention how he feels about preschool or how he actually manages separations. You say you are worried that he will feel abandoned, but do you have any indications that he will have a problem with it? Have you tried to leave him for an hour or two with anyone else? How does he cope? Did he visit the Montessori before you enrolled him and is he excited about attending? 

If you are sad and stressed and incurring extra expenses, then it seems like your family may benefit from waiting to start preschool or school, if that's what you prefer. I would start him at pre-school when he is ready and happy to start. That may not happen for another year or two. When it does happen, even if he is ready, you may not be,lol, but your sadness will be tempered by the joy and excitement of watching him grow in new directions and become confident and excited about being in a new environment. 

Are you concerned about waiting lists and entrance if you don't accept a place this year? 

[AllyRae]

Traditional Montessori starts at 3, so he's a bit young.  If you don't feel good about it, there is absolutely no reason to send him.  For the most part, under 3 in a Montessori program is just basically daycare, not preschool.  There is absolutely no reason a 2 year old needs to be in school (which is why Maria Montessori didn't start them until 3....)  I'd personally hold off another year and wait to start the Children's House cycle at 3. 

[happy*mama]

Originally Posted by ollyoxenfree 

My first thought was that 3 mornings a week isn't a lot of time away. If it's similar to programs here, it's about 3 hours. At 2 1/2 and almost 3 yrs., my dc attended 5 mornings per week and enjoyed it. They were so involved and absorbed in activities and socializing with their classmates that they barely noticed that I was gone. I was a little sad but I also enjoyed watching them having fun, exploring a new aspect of life and becoming confident in a new situation. 

Your post doesn't mention how he feels about preschool or how he actually manages separations. You say you are worried that he will feel abandoned, but do you have any indications that he will have a problem with it? Have you tried to leave him for an hour or two with anyone else? How does he cope? Did he visit the Montessori before you enrolled him and is he excited about attending? 

If you are sad and stressed and incurring extra expenses, then it seems like your family may benefit from waiting to start preschool or school, if that's what you prefer. I would start him at pre-school when he is ready and happy to start. That may not happen for another year or two. When it does happen, even if he is ready, you may not be,lol, but your sadness will be tempered by the joy and excitement of watching him grow in new directions and become confident and excited about being in a new environment. 

Are you concerned about waiting lists and entrance if you don't accept a place this year? 

Thank you for your reply.  The program is about 3 hours per morning.  DS does manage separations well, just last week we left him with some friend with two young girls for 4 hours due to an important and long doctor appt for DH.  That was the longest yet, but he does visit his grandparent's while I run off for and hour or two once or twice a month.  DH takes him out on errands and I leave him with DH occasionally for a couple of hours.  He handles all of this very well, never a separation episode, so my worries about him feeling abandoned are probably for naught.  We enjoy each others company so much and he loves to share his discoveries with me, so I feel sad that we would be losing that during those times.

I know that he would love his peers and the activities, just feeling like wow, he is so young, time is passing so quickly, and I don't feel ready for this.  He is way more ready for it than I.  He did visit the Montessori school last winter and he loved it.  I have mentioned the school to him periodically and he says he wants to play with the train (he played with it when he visited).  I have explained that I would not be there when he went to school because he has said "mommy go to school, too" and he seems to understand, but I know he does not realize the full implications of what that means.

I think I will feel the same this time next year if we wait one year, but he will be better able to understand what is means to go to school and to relay his feelings about it to me.  Right now he says he wants to go, but again I don't feel he understands what it all means.  I guess he doesn't have to, he just needs to be happy there.  

I am a little concerned about waiting lists for next year if we give up our place this year, but am trying not to let that figure into this too much.

DS is my first child and I have a tendency to over think things (ok, pretty much everything!).  I know I am fortunate to have the luxury of worry over this as many parents don't have a choice.

DH is trying to play the guilt card saying "well, I don't get to see DS as much as I'd like to, but that is just the way it is".  And that makes me mad.  DS does not like that DH goes to work and says "daddy will come back soon" throughout the day.  He asks for him frequently, but doesn't cry.  

One more thing I think about is on those three days I will drive DS home 25 min, have lunch (if he doesn't fall asleep in car), then he will nap for a couple of hours.  So, there will much less time together on those days.

[happy*mama]

Originally Posted by AllyRae 

Traditional Montessori starts at 3, so he's a bit young.  If you don't feel good about it, there is absolutely no reason to send him.  For the most part, under 3 in a Montessori program is just basically daycare, not preschool.  There is absolutely no reason a 2 year old needs to be in school (which is why Maria Montessori didn't start them until 3....)  I'd personally hold off another year and wait to start the Children's House cycle at 3. 

I have thought about this too.  DH feels the socialization is the biggest benefit for DS to go to the toddler program, but I wonder if that really outweighs the con of DS and I spending less time together at this young age.  DS is very social, but a bit shy when meeting new people.  He is outgoing and very talkative most of the time and very observant at all times.

[sbarr_NY]

Go with your instincts - if you don't feel ready and this is making you sad, then wait another year and enroll him in a traditional 3-6 primary program.  The time does go so fast - my 3 yo starts primary in a month and I marvel at how the time has flown.

What other socialization opportunities do you have in your area?

[midnightwriter]

I think you already know your answer.Your DS seems like such a wonderful little guy, but he is also very much still a baby. (I think it takes having a second child to fully understand this --laughing at myself here. I remember feeling how "grown up" my DD1 was when DS was born...She was only 2.5...)

As for socialisation, you might want to read "Hold on to your kids, Why parents matter" by Gordon Neufeld. To simplistically summarise this excellent book, socialisation in a group of 2 year olds is not something you'd want to seek out. What you are already doing with him--story time, being out and about, is the best socialisation to a 2 yo, and to most 3-4 year olds as well.

Enjoy your little one, have fun together!

[happy*mama]

Thank you all for your replies.  I will look into the book you suggested midnightwriter.  I am still debating.  Our activities do seem to be rather short for him and they seem to go by a lot more quickly for me now too.  I do feel that he needs some extended time with other kids his age, as he is getting a max of 45 min per activity right now.  So maybe I should work on play dates that we'll both go to.  If I decide to wait a year, I hope the school is understanding.  I know this should not weigh in on my decision, but it is a concern of mine.  I think we will visit the school tomorrow morning as they have a summer session for toddlers right now.  Then I can feel things out.

[happy*mama]

Originally Posted by midnightwriter 

As for socialisation, you might want to read "Hold on to your kids, Why parents matter" by Gordon Neufeld. To simplistically summarise this excellent book, socialisation in a group of 2 year olds is not something you'd want to seek out. What you are already doing with him--story time, being out and about, is the best socialisation to a 2 yo, and to most 3-4 year olds as well.

I just read the reviews for this book on Amazon and noted that peer influence is one of my fears.  At a any age, but right now a this young age of "just turned 2", my DS will be influenced by his peers and that it may not be for the better.  Even in a Montessori setting that I comfortable with, I still worry about the detachment of mother & child.  I do believe that this seperation causes respect and communication problems between parents and children and the more they are separated the more the child is influenced by others.
 

[Kanna]

My daughter started going to a Montessori kindergarten when she was 1 year old and had barely strted to walk.

They gave us/ her lots of time to get used to it and they have a special group for kids her age and she loved / loves it.

It was high time for her too I think. She's an only child and finding neighbour kids to play with wasn't always possible.

She was more or less taking apart our house, she was so BORED.

Kids need to feel safe and well cared for. They need to know that if they need someone to help / protect / love them, then someone will be there.

But they also need lots of input and new and interesting experiences and interaction with other kids, and in our case, kindergarten was the way to go.

[APToddlerMama]

The most important thing for the birth to three age range is attachment, not socialization.  That comes from a child development/psych background, not a crazy AP mom (which I became much later).  I see no reason to go against your gut instinct.  You have a gut feeling about it for a reason.  It sounds like you are active and your son gets plenty of interaction with other kids.  What exactly does your DH think the big benefit is for a two year old in going to preschool? 

[parsley]

happymama - You should definitely do what you feel is right for your family-- including yourself! 

I wanted to share though that my DD has thrived this past year in her preschool.  She started at 2 years 5 months in a class that was for kids just turning 2 through 2 1/2.   Being in that program has helped her learn to trust other adults and children.  To communicate her needs and wants effectively.  And, to make real friends in a non-parent mediated way.  I am so very glad that we sent her and I absolutely can't believe how she has blossomed over the past year.  One of the things that was hardest for me to realize at first but that I have come to especially appreciate is that by being with adults other than myself she is exposed to new ideas and learns new skills.  With me, we read, we go to museums, we talk, we go on walks, we play pretend, we go to music together, we do art projects...  At school, she does all that but she also does other things that aren't part of my skills or preferences.  It's been great for her and really helped her expand her understanding of the world. 

I'm not saying any of this to express an opinion on what is best for you or your DS but I wanted to share an experience about just how good it can be in case you do decide to send your DS and want to encouraging words.

[LynnS6]

Saw this from the new posts:

2 year olds don't generally have the language/social skills to get a lot out of playing with other kids. That doesn't mean that they don't have fun with other kids, but much of their play is parallel play. It's not until 3-4 that most kids begin cooperative play. In other words, developmentally, a 2 year old won't get nearly as much 'socialization' as a 4 year old would. So, I like your idea of longer play dates and things you can do together. He doesn't need to be in Montessori right now. He might like it, but he's gonna be fine at home too.

As for "Hold onto your kids" -- do know that the ages they are talking about there are older -- as in teenager. That book is a bit of fear mongering, IMO. My kids were in daycare out of necessity 3x a week starting at age 2 1/2 for ds and 16 months for dd. They're now 7 and 10 and in public school. That's a lot of time away from mom and dad. They're still not 'peer oriented'. If you practice AP (and continue those practices beyond the baby and toddler years), spend time with your kids are mindful of your relationship with them, it's pretty easy to stay connected. Now that doesn't mean that I think the OP should put her son in Montessori yet -- since they have the resources for him to stay home with her for another year or two, that's what I recommend. But putting a 2  year old in preschool does not mean that they're guaranteed to have peer orientation at 15. That's borrowing trouble.

[happy*mama]

Thanks for all of the replies!  So many great points made.  I am not so sad and scared as I was a few weeks ago when I first wrote the OP, I am more open and feel more in control.  Hubby and I talked again and he says he is totally fine with not sending ds this year and that he thought I really needed/wanted a break from ds (there certainly are times that I feel that way, but those are minimal).  So the decision is up to me.  I am still debating, but have been continuing with the process (returning requested paperwork) to start the school year.  I may wait until he starts to see how we both do...they do allow me to be in the classroom the first few days and longer if needed to ease the transition (read: separation), so that could be helpful in my decision making.  I have decided to try not to worry about getting the money back and just focus on what will be best for ds.  I do see him getting bored at times at home, and at activities such as library story time, but he usually stays engaged at music together classes.  Though parsley made some points that I can relate to, i.e. expanding horizons, seeing the world from another point of view, becoming comfortable with other adults. My ds is very verbal, talks in sentences and paragraphs, expresses his emotions and desires very well, basically everyone who meets him thinks he is three (he is big for his age, too).  He just had his 2 year check up and the doc says his language skills are at least a year ahead.  DS rote counts to 20, though misses a couple of numbers sometimes, has been singing ABC song since 19 months without prompting (just started one morning and hasn't stopped), knows what at least 1/3 of the letters are by sight as well as at least one word for each of those letters (about two months ago started pointing out the letter 'M' and saying it stands for 'mama', though neither hubby or I showed him this.  There is so much more to his knowledge, but also so much more to the decision of whether to send him to the toddler program.  It is possible that I may need to work at least part time, if not full time to get benefits, for DH medical needs, in the next year.  In which case I think that the toddler program will prepare ds for the inevitable separation, but then I think why rush it if it is not time yet?  We did visit the school a few days ago and ds was very excited and happy to be there and see "his" classroom.  He did not want to leave.  On another note, ds started stuttering just 2 1/2 weeks ago and it has progressed.  Doc says to watch if it worsens and stays, if not gone within 6 mos. he would need speech therapy.  I now worry/wonder if the school/separation would make this worse.  He seems to do it when he his thoughts are processing faster than his words, but also when he is excited or scared or upset.  Maybe the Montessori environment would help calm his thoughts so he could get the words out without stuttering.

[parsley]

Glad to hear you are feeling more at peace and are able to try things out and see what works. 
 

Your DS sounds a lot like my DD especially around the verbal ability, she's exceptionally verbal and imaginative (part of why school was fun from the start).  She also went through a stuttering phase at 2 years that had me panicked for about 2 weeks and then disappeared.  It was definitely a case of her thinking faster than the words could come out.  I did some research and it's pretty common at that age for verbally advanced kids.  More than likely it will clear up shortly.  I don't think school should effect it one way or the other. 

Good luck!

[Flor]

My DS started at 3, and I thought that was a good age to start. I work full time and I'm pregnant so I'm thinkin that his baby will start at 2, mostly because I really love this particular school and teachers (it would be half days and DS1 would be in the next room). We'll see,  though (DS was home with grandma before that). You say you live out in the country, so is a concern that there are not a lot of other kids around? Personally, I think a two year old just needs to be with mom with occasional playdates/ classes to interact with other kids, but all kids are different.

[happy*mama]

Originally Posted by Flor 

My DS started at 3, and I thought that was a good age to start. I work full time and I'm pregnant so I'm thinkin that his baby will start at 2, mostly because I really love this particular school and teachers (it would be half days and DS1 would be in the next room). We'll see,  though (DS was home with grandma before that). You say you live out in the country, so is a concern that there are not a lot of other kids around? Personally, I think a two year old just needs to be with mom with occasional playdates/ classes to interact with other kids, but all kids are different.

We do live in the country, so I have to make a real effort to get together with others for playdates and to do classes.  We are going ahead with starting school in two weeks and DS is excited.  His teacher will be visiting us tomorrow.  If he loves school then we will continue.  If not we will stop.

[Flor]

Sounds like a good plan.

[mattemma04]

I would give it a try to see how your child likes it.You could always just do one day a week though I am sure you will pay for 3.When my dd was in preschool she went when she wanted to go. I did not force her on the days she wanted to stay home. I see kids crying every day at drop off.I am not sure I could do that,but I assume the kids are ok once they settle into the class.