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Warning Your children aren't even safe in your locked yard from sex offenders!! (possible trigger) - Page 3

post #41 of 61

My heart goes out to you OP. May your children  and your family heal from this experience. May your children stay safe henceforth.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by SilverFish View Post
 c) and yes, they will occasionally wear no clothes.

I wanted to comment on this.  There is a difference between a child being free in their own space  and an adult actively abusing them. You cannot control what people think. Will a dressed child not also be a target for a pedophile? And how dressed exactly should that child be? In some religions, girls are required to cover their legs and arms at all times, lest they excite a adult male figure. In some religions, a girl cannot even sing, lest she sexually excite an adult male figure.

 

My point is, my children are free to be naked if they want to be, on their own property, and where is may be appropriate to be so-such as in a sprinkler.

 

 

This must be a very difficult time for you, i pray for recovery for your children, and thankyou for sharing this information, because it helps other parents avoid such a terrible occurrence.

 

My children are not allowed to talk to neighbors/strangers/anyone who is not a  designated trusted figure,  unless i am there. They cant talk to them and they certainly cannot go anywhere with them. I stress that.  Reading your story, i feel compelled to stress it  to them even more.  

post #42 of 61
Thread Starter 

It has been extremely tiring dealing with the Justice system.  This happen 03/11 and they are just now sentencing this guy.  He started off with 7 charges, 2 of the larger charges were dropped due to "reasonable" doubt just because 1 male juror would not agree.  The trial lasted 2 weeks, normally a trial lasts 1 week and my daughter had to go in 2 times to testify without any family members.  His attorney is still trying to get an appeal even though he has been charged with 4 felony counts, has six other victims and his son testified against him.  The judge had to reschedule the sentencing twice to talk to the jury to ask them how they came up with their verdict. It is like the poor jury is now on trial for making the right decision.  If a criminal has money and can afford a good attorney they will drag it out as long as they can to avoid prison.  This guy still lives right next to me, 1 1/2 blocks from an elementary school.  He is not in jail yet because he is a retired govt worker and he has money.  The judge has to give him is right to a "fair" trial or he can come back and request an appeal. The guy is like a drowning cat he is fighting whatever it takes to avoid sinking.  If his attorney finds the jury has done something wrong than the judge calls a mistrial and it all starts over with a new jury. I don't care what it takes or how many times it takes to go to court HE will get convicted eventually.  I have faith in God and I am praying the justice system starts getting with it to help other victims in the future. 

I am telling other about my experience so they can have an idea of what is expected if they have something similar happen.  You have to be strong for your family, you can NOT do something to the defendant or your family gets in trouble and the creep will get off.  Our scumbag and his wife have done things to try to provoke us into doing things to retaliate, if we did than he could of had a chance to get off the charges.  So be careful what you do! I will come back with the sentencing in a little bit. 

post #43 of 61
Thread Starter 

I also want to add. That some people seemed to think that I was allowing my family to visit with the neighbor or my child had been over at any of my neighbors houses.  No. I don't even allow someone to watch my children unless they are family or very close friends. Not saying family can't do bad things but it is just making kids aware of any inappropriate behavior.  My yard is totally hidden and enclosed around all sides. I thought it was fine for my child to run around naked in the back yard.  Maybe by doing this it was too much of a temptation for this creep.  Maybe if I had my kids covered up it the creep wouldn't of risked taking them. I'm not blaming myself for his actions but now I would not recommend anyone to let their kids run around nude. It can bring unwanted attention.  It only takes minutes for someone who plans to take a child.  I was lucky to catch my neighbor right away or it could of been worse or if he wouldn't of left his garage door open than maybe I wouldn't of found them at all.  I even had dogs & locked secured area two minutes.  I just read how another recently predator arrested predator said he was driving around shopping for kids.  He noticed 2 in their yard barely dressed and than targeted them. He watched the family for a couple days than came at night. Broke in the house and killed the parents and took the kids.  I'm not trying to scare anyone or tell anyone how to run their family. Its awareness of the evil and the making your children aware in away that don't scare them.  There has also been 2 kids in our area that were taken out of there own freaking ground floor bed rooms at night!  I tell people my story just to put it in the back of their minds..yes our babies are worth more than a million and are irreplaceable. There is something seriously wrong with people today and if someone walks around native to think they live in Pleasantville I will say a blessing for you in advance.  I'm still trying to rid our neighborhood of the nightmare we are dealing with. 

post #44 of 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by allgirlhouse View Post
 

I am telling other about my experience so they can have an idea of what is expected if they have something similar happen.  You have to be strong for your family, you can NOT do something to the defendant or your family gets in trouble and the creep will get off.  Our scumbag and his wife have done things to try to provoke us into doing things to retaliate, if we did than he could of had a chance to get off the charges.  So be careful what you do! I will come back with the sentencing in a little bit. 

Thankyou for sharing this.

 

I dont understand how retaliation neutralizes the original crime? How is that just?

post #45 of 61

First I am sorry that you, your twins, and family went through this.

 

I am actually really grateful for this warning. We too are vigilant parents and don't use babysitters because we don't live near family. My kids are older and I still insist on one of us parents being outside with them (which is so hard some times!). We live on a corner with a completely exposed yard. We are planning to move to an area with high cement walls and I was thinking, yay for being able to get things done inside the house. This story will remain in the back of my mind and I will reconsider the way we will handle our new situation and surroundings. So thank you for sharing.

post #46 of 61
Thread Starter 

The Justice system sucks.  I can't go into details of some of the crap their attorney has attempted to get this guy off.  It is crazy things the attorney can try.  One attempt they try is to make the accuser look bad or make them look unstable so they can say that their client is a good citizen and has didn't do anything wrong. Anything that persuades the jury to think reasonable doubt.  And it works. A normal person understands wrong is wrong but that isn't the case in court.  The DA & police in our case were amazed at our case especially since his own son said he was sick and had nothing to do with him.  This guy would do stuff in front of his house in front of his camera (in his car so camera is not on him) and try to get us to go over and kick his butt.  If we did something than we would go to jail and it would flaw our character.  And as a victim you aren't suppose to run around the neighborhood and tell everyone or you can get sued for Defam of character if the DA doesn't decide to prosecute the criminal.  It took a whole year of investigate on this guy before they arrested him.  He had hidden things that took time and so we were frustrated by not knowing if they were going to do anything. During that time it is easy to want to go take care of the problem yourself.  That is exactly what you don't want to do.  I had to go to serious therapy to avoid strangling this guy and the police know you are frustrated but they know the court system. They can't tell anything or the case can get thrown out :(  Money makes a big difference too. If this guy was an average Joe, he would of went to jail right away.  So if you are dealing with someone like Sandusky or high profiler it is harder to convict.  I was very blessed to have this guys son testify against him. I can't even contact him to thank him until all is done.  I was just shocked to hear that someone can have that many victims, get away with it for so many years and still have a chance to get off. That is why is important to get your child to tell if something happens. If one person came forward than his guy would of had at least some kind of mark on his record. If you so much sneeze on a child now days CPS will investigate and they keep records. They do no take it lightly.  Even if someone doesn't get convicted that record will follow that person and if they do anything again..they are screwed. Sadly, I had to do 2 interviews with my family twice with CPS to prove I wasn't some nut bag allowing my family to go over there to play.  All the people involved also will have to go to the court hearing.  They try to make your husband look like a dirtbag because he works long hours or try to make your child look like a liar for whatever reason.  Its tough but it is worth knowing YOU did something to prevent the creep from doing it again and You are saying this is NOT okay to do this to an innocent person. Since our incident I have found that most people that I have talked know someone, have someone in their family or have been molested themselves and the person who did it didn't get convicted. Scary.  I heard Steph dads, boyfriends, grandpas, the kids older cousin, and even the dad!  Most cases are people that know the family but a few are friends of the family.  I talk openly about it because I want awareness.  Not trying to scare, just educate.  And if a person thinks a child will tell than they are less likely to try something.  If a someone touches your child uncomfortably (explain swim suit areas as private zones) than have that child speak loudly to tell the person it is not okay and they don't like it.  And of course tell them you will always believe in them and if someone does do something it is important to tell. Prevention is the main thing. We have had 2 court cases here involving sub teachers! Keeping boys in for recess. Rubbing a child with clothes on for gratification is a crime and no adult should be doing it. This one creep was having the kids sit on his lap and sniffing them!  A teacher someone you think is checked out by the school system. Thankfully, one of the boys told his parent of the his weird behavior. After investigating, 8 more boys from other schools came forward.  Seriously creepy people!  I told the parent and that son they were heroes because they stopped it. They were miserable b/c they had to go to court and face the creep but he will not be allowed around children any more.  There are a lot of good books about this topic. You don't have to get crazy and freak your kids out, just educate. 

post #47 of 61
Thread Starter 

I also want to add that as a 12 yr old, I went to stay over night at my girl friends house. Her older high school brother made the moves on me when everyone went to bed!  I was a well developed girl so I'm sure he thought nothing of it. He started kissing me and tried to go up my shirt. As a 12 yr old I was flattered but thankfully my mother warned me about older boys sometimes try to do things like this.  I think the boy was thinking with the wrong body part and had normal teen hormones but not something you want your kid doing! Thank you MOM for making me aware! I never told my parents until I was an adult that this person did that.   I was afraid my parents would not allow me to go over to my friends house anymore. I just stayed away from the "cute" older brother.  And I think it is important that parents talk to their teens boys about getting in trouble with younger girls.  Now days it is hard to judge some kids age because they develop earlier!  If boy/girl does make sexual advances on a younger child they can still get in trouble and have to register as a sex offender!!  That is why I think it is important to talk to your child at least 2 times a year about "sexual" behavior or awareness so it stays in the back of their mind to make the right decisions.  If different talks vary on the age of the child. I think a lot of parents would be shocked about the stuff kids talk about at school. Now schools are doing something called A.G.E. Adolescent Growth Education.  At first I was a little shocked about the topics but after talking to my older daughter..I found that the kids already know a lot of most the topics!  I just wish the times were the same as when I grew up and kids could stay innocent and we didn't have to pollute their young minds with stuff before their time. Its better to educate your child yourself than let them get wrong information from a classmate! 

post #48 of 61

Thanks to your post,  had a talk with my 2 boys age 5 and 8 about this.

post #49 of 61

We were targeted as well though it's not confirmed he is a sex offender or predator. When we first moved into our home in a quiet country town our son was 9 months. The neighbor man lived alone and was just  very different. None of our other neighbors knew anything about him except he had lived there a while and kept to himself.

He immediately focused on our son and would come over any time I had him outside. I just thought he was a lonely guy and tried to be friendly. Red flags went up when our son was a bit older.. maybe 14 months. The man came over and asked to take him to a car show several hours away - alone. I obviously said no and from then on felt uncomfortable around him.

He got extremely pushy about things always coming over if my son was outside. If my son was riding his bike this man would go get a bike and come ride with him.

 

I didn't handle it well at all for the longest time because my husband kept trying to tell me I was just being too suspicious and he was harmless. Then the guy started doing stuff like pulling out my son's diaper (in front of me mind you) and stuffing grass ect down it. I'd always go and take my son off away from him.

 

For the next 2 years he was relentless, constantly watching my son outside. I have multiple photos I took of the guy just standing behind his bushes watching my son.

We got to the point we fenced in our back yard and would slip out the back bedroom window to let him play outside so the man wouldn't see us go outside.

 

On one occasion we had thrown a few of our son's ride on toys away at the town dump as they were badly sun damaged. The man later went and jumped in the bin and pulled the toys out and put them on his lawn near his house.

I had even caught him staring in the window playing peek a boo with our son once.

 

On my son's 3rd birthday he showed up with a present, sat down and told me that I am too attached to my son and need to give him space away from me and let others take him. He then handed me a bunch of pamphlets of places he wanted to take my son including a resort a state away. I stood up, took my son and walked in the other room mouthing to my husband to "deal with him" I was livid. You would think that would have been enough to get my husband on my side but it wasn't. No, the thing that finally convinced him I was right to be concerned was the day we were all standing out by our mailbox and the man came over. Keep in mind my son adored this man because he was very childish and playful. Of course my son tugged to go play with him and since we were RIGHT THERE I assumed let him since at that point I was still dealing with a lot of self doubt on what I was feeling. Well they did nothing special, played in the dirt and looked at pinecones. I was watching the entire time. Then I just decided I wanted my son back. I called out and he came running but the man was holding his hand. It really upset me and I reached out and took my son's other hand and pulled him toward me saying "come, we're going home now" the man PULLED my son away from me. I pulled back, shocked and he did it again then took him and walked him to my house.

It was such a huge deal. I broke down crying and shaking, upset. I took my son inside and my husband and I had a huge fight where I told him I was tired of him downplaying my fears and surely he saw what just happened. He seemed confused by it all but thankfully backed me. We started sending our son inside every time the man came over. This only needed to happen 3-4 times before he gave up completely. We never see him anymore. In fact I almost wondered if he moved. He just vanished.

 

It gives me chills. I know it sounds awful that I let it carry on so long. I know that. I myself was sexually abused by my brothers and raped by a stranger. I had never really received counsel for it until after I had my son. It has always been a trigger for me and I know my normal meter was skewed.

I am just grateful nothing more serious happened.

But all that DID happen went on right under my nose and was convincing enough that my husband thought it was normal.

 

So to the woman saying it would never happen to her. Don't be so quick. It can happen to anyone.

post #50 of 61

S, Sillything, your story is scary.  Whilst reading your post, i was thinking to myself, what would i have done in your situation?  I would have told him off  very early on, setting boundaries. However, since he was your neighbor, what could you have done to stop him staring or collecting your childs toys etc? Could you have gone to the police? He  didnt actually break any laws, but he was making you feel uncomfortable and his behavior was threatening.  How could you stop a person behaving that way? Clearly, he was borderline insane, but the mere fact that he thought he had the right to take your child at all, is so weird its beyond contemplation.

 

Can the police deal with such a situtation, for eg  put a restraining order on someone like this?

post #51 of 61
Wow, Sillything! I'm glad your instincts were going, even if your husband's weren't, because it sounds to me like you were way right about this guy.
post #52 of 61
Wow I hope your family is ok and therapy is helping.
post #53 of 61

I am sure we could have done a restraining order. I know I really struggled because of my past history of abuse myself, low self esteem and the like which always leads me to be quiet and not speak up. I hate that it took me so long to take action but am thankful my husband finally saw with his own eyes my concern and was able to support me. I had tried implementing the no contact before but my husband would just not follow through and I'd look outside to see him allowing our son to play with the man. I'd get irate and he'd respond with "You are always suspicious of people!"

 

so ugh. Yes, it should have been handled a lot better but .. it's over with and hopefully stays that way. I never want him near my child again.

post #54 of 61
Thread Starter 

Our neighbor, I found out took toys of our childrens too. They just disappeared and later my kids said he took them but I didn't believe them because I just thought they were make believing. But where else did they go!?! I have a locked fence and don't have people come to my house..ever. He also did other similar things but I can't discuss them until later.  Any single man wanting to take a very young child without the mother is out of their mind.  Who would ever be stupid enough to let them take their kid. Scary.

After our incident I caught a guy watching kids at a local play ground by our rental property.  The first time I saw him I thought maybe he had grandkids there. But the second time (weeks later)  I recognized the truck & I was suspicious. He was sitting in the front seat acting like he was busy when I looked his way.  Than I walked over and I notice he was doing..bad stuff. No kidding. I turned around to go get my husband and he quickly pulled out and drove away. I called the police but I wish I would of got his license plate. Who knows who the sicko was. Just another case of the I wish I didn't have my head up my butt!  Just b/c someone isn't registered doesn't mean they can't be in the neighborhood.  Again, I'm not trying make people paranoid. If you see someone overly interested in kids with nobody with them..look at them good.  If they act uncomfortable maybe that is a good thing..both my neighbor and the guy I saw in the truck were in their late 60's to 75. Our neighbor has been trying to use the old and feeble card in court to get away with his actions.  Some old people are just as evil as anyone else. Look at Charles Manson  and his friends..they are old.  Everyone gets old. Our creep has been doing things since he was 20 and didn't get caught until now!  

post #55 of 61

I am so sorry to hear that this has happened to your family. Thank you for posting about it. I have learned a great deal reading about your ordeal. I pray that you and your family have continued support and that you stay strong together.

post #56 of 61
Thread Starter 

Our situation is the same. My children are not allowed to talk to neighbors, strangers or anyone who is not a designated trusted figure, unless i am there either. They can't talk to them and they certainly cannot go anywhere with them..same.  I have an enclosed yard and would of never dreamed of anyone even watching my children. I let them play in the sprinkler as you mentioned.  I would never think some sicko was watching innocent.  I went in & out of the house one day and thats all it took.  Enclosed yard with 6 ft fence you don't think someone is going to take a kid over something that high. Sadly sickos know ways to trick kids.  My girls were 3 so they didn't know better. Saw me talking to him a few times outside while leaving or something so I assume they thought we were friends or something. I was extremely lucky that I found them missing quickly and got them back.  We are lucky as far as I am concerned. Many parents don't get theirs back.  Now I don't require my kids to strictly cover up or I don't try to change their freedom b/c I think it is important for them to not live in fear but I just make them aware.  But now I do warn parents to not post naked pics of kids on fb and let them be aware of creeps.  I don't know if letting my kids play naked in the sprinklers tempted this guy more but I'm sure it didn't help.  Maybe if they were dressed at all time, the temptation wouldn't of been there.  I can't change the past or beat my head for it but I will express my concern to others by our situation. Nobody needs to have this happen to them or risk it.

post #57 of 61

I wonder whether it is actually safer to live in apartments rather than houses  because there is only one entrance to an apartment (usually)....

post #58 of 61

Wow. What terrifying, terrible stories. I was molested by my cousin's husband when I was 15, and I reported him. Of course nothing happened (I'm pretty sure what he did was illegal, but not enough to really build a case) - at least I'm comforted to know that there's this blip on his record, so in the future if he tries something again there will be some cause for investigating him further.

 

I don't really agree with not letting your kids talk to any strangers. I don't think that actually helps. I think it is more important to teach kids how to use their intuition about people, and let them know that they aren't required to talk to anyone or be nice to anyone if they don't want to. I get so annoyed when some random stranger at the grocery store thinks he's entitled to talk to my daughter.. if she doesn't want to smile and say hi then she doesn't have to, just like an adult. My kids are learning how to judge people, they are developing their intuitions. Not to say that this means they aren't vulnerable to predators- they are, everyone is. But I think it might help. When my older daughter was ~2 years old she was very sensitive about certain people. For some reason she was terrified of certain people, and would scream and cry if they talked to her, and sometimes if they just entered the room. There were only a very few people this applied to- she was and still is a friendly child, usually. One person who she didn't like was the husband of a woman in my mother's support group, the father of one of the children that we regularly saw. Something about him freaked my daughter out- from when she was 1 to about 3. There were people who wanted me to tell her he was safe and that she had no reason to fear him, but I refused to do this. There was something about him that she didn't like, and she had the right to make that decision for herself. I think that if I never allowed her to talk to anyone then she wouldn't get to exercise this ability to discern who seemed safe and who did not seem safe. Now she is almost 5, and I think she has pretty good judgment for a little kid- but yes, she still is a little kid and I have to have my antannae up and be aware of all the people in her world (and her younger sister's world). She still needs me to watch out for her, but I want her to develop her intuition so that when she's a teenager she will be ready to handle strangers & bad family members. Maybe she will be better prepared than I was- the problem with my cousin's (now ex-, thankfully) husband is that not only was he family but he was good-looking, well educated, charming, and from a wealthy family. Sadly my family did not seem to believe me when I finally spoke up about what was going on.


It has been mentioned here a few times but I need to give it another plug- Protecting the Gift by Gavin DeBecker is an amazing read on this subject. I think one of the most important points he makes is that it is actually not helpful to be suspicious of everyone, and to build very high walls around your family (literally and figuratively). That is actually stressful and distracting, so that while your busy thinking the world is going to come for your kids a predator can slip in through the back door, disguised as a friend. His suggestion is to pay attention to people who seem "off" and figure out where this feeling is coming from and DO SOMETHING about it. Don't talk yourself out of thinking someone is not quite right- this is the most common mistake- people get a bad feeling about someone and think, "oh, I'm sure it's fine, don't worry about it" and then they let it go. It might be a relative, or old friend, or the dentist, or your mom's best friend from college, or your husband's business partner that he's known for 20 years. Then he does something. Also, worrying is a completely useless activity. If you are worried about something, stop worrying and DO something about it. If your worry is too nonspecific and there is nothing you can do, it is just distracting your intuition from letting you know about real dangers. Worry is like wasting time thinking the boogeyman is coming to get you when there is a chemical spill in your livingroom and you're too busy worrying to clean it up. This is a big one for me because my mother is the queen of worrying and she wields it like a weapon, causing guilt trips galore.

 

We need to have friends, we need to feel safe in our homes and in our community- otherwise, what's the point of living? I'm not going to hide in a bunker. But you bet if someone doesn't seem right to me they are not invited into my home, and I don't give them access to my children. I don't care what their credentials are, and what kind of amazing opportunity they might be offering. I do have certain people in mind who I avoid for this reason, and I don't send my kids to play with them even though they offer. I don't think they are predators or abusers, but I don't like the way they talk to my kids, for different reasons. So they aren't in my life.

post #59 of 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by contactmaya View Post
My children are not allowed to talk to neighbors/strangers/anyone who is not a  designated trusted figure,  unless i am there. They cant talk to them and they certainly cannot go anywhere with them. I stress that.  Reading your story, i feel compelled to stress it  to them even more.  

Unfortunately, even designated trusted figures cannot always be trusted. I know people who were severely abused as a child by a trusted, long-term family friend. I've seen instances of one parent abusing a child and the other having no idea. Your own children can even abuse each other.

 

I think that encouraging your childrens' intuition is more important. It's also far more difficult- because it's easier to soothe emotions by pushing your children to be nice to a person you want them to like than it is to face the difficulties that come from letting your child say she doesn't want to hug grandma or that he doesn't want to be around your friend.

 

There were people my parents trusted that I hated- some turned out to be bad people. Not necessarily child molesters- but bad in other ways. Obviously don't leave your children alone  or otherwise unsupervised with strangers, but teaching them to be afraid of all strange adults (because typically children are immune from this distrust- because we want our kids to grow socially), but that they can trust these adults, won't really help. How will it help them when the abuser is someone their own age or someone adults have told them they can trust? That only makes it harder for kids to be aware that something bad is happening and to come forward with it.

post #60 of 61

I agree with everything you say. I think intuition is important, and goes along with not talking to strangers when  not in  my presence. For eg, if i run to the bathroom, and my 2 older kids are still sitting at the table, or if they themselves go to the bathroom without me, i am temporarily not able to protect them. Its better if they dont engage with anyone in that small amount of time. Also, the concept of 'trusted figure' is problematic  because we often dont get to choose which adult figures a child will be spending their days with (at school for eg) Im also wary of what could happen at sleep away camps. So i agree that a 'trusted' figure isnt in itself enough. Encouraging intuition, and the ability to speak up, and to confide in a trysted adult (which in our family, is me only) about things that make them uncomfortable, to know that if someone makes them uncomfortable thats not ok, that they have the right to bodily integrity etc etc. But all of this depends on the age of the child.

 

Still, for me the scariest thing is when my 5yo and 8yo want to go into the mens bathroom, and i cant follow. Thats when im insistent they dont engage with anyone, and that if someone tries to touch them or scare them SCREAM.

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