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Am I A Complete Hypocrite?

post #1 of 18
Thread Starter 

In January, I thought I was growing a backbone by leaving my husband, who at the time paid little attention to me, wasn't intimate with me, and showed less and less love to me. Truth is, I wasn't looking at the bigger picture, which was me needing medication so that I could function normally. I felt lonely and depressed and thus, it led me to not taking care of things around the house and hiding from the world by being on the computer ALL day.


This created resentment from my then husband and he unintentionally detatched. Instead of talking about things, we were internalizing things and feeling guilty to ourselves for it. This pushed me to leave to be with someone who I thought would be SOOO much better( a "grass is greener on the other side" type of thing). I ended up pregnant with my boyfriend's baby, after my birth control failed, and was very unhappy with him, and until recently couldn't figure out how or why I could be unhappy if I was so sure of my choice when I left.


After getting on medication for my bipolar and I was actually able to think things through and think logically, things became very clear that my boyfriend was being emotionally abusive to me in a big way, much worse than what I had left my husband about. When I left my boyfriend, I came knocking on the ex husband's door, almost 2 weeks ago.(now 23 weeks 3 days pregnant with ex-boyfriend's baby) I never intended on getting back with him when I came to crash on his couch until I could figure things out with my own living situation to get on my feet or to get to my mom's to live there until the baby comes.


The husband and I start talking about everything serious that led to me leaving and things that were said and done while I was with the ex-boyfriend, and amid all of this, we are both crying, him because I hurt him by picking up and leaving with the kids with no notice (partially from my illness and partially because of my hurt and feeling he was at fault) and me because I felt unwanted and unloved. We both assured each other with sincere honesty and genuine truth that we never meant to do that to each other and we were holding each other and crying. I looked at him and asked him to kiss me, not expecting anything else, and that was it. One thing led to another and now we are trying to work things out.


It's recently came to light that he was involved with someone while I was away and had started to try to get over me. It was someone from his work, and I lost it, not yelling, but crying and asking why would he do anything with me if he'd had something going on already and wanting to know who it was, since he'd have to go to work everyday, looking at her, having seen her with no clothes and.... ya know?


I know my anger and hurt comes from jealousy, but does this make me a total hypocrite for feeling like this? I mean, I was with another man for almost 6 months, and got pregnant with his baby. But I also know that I was sick even before I left and not able to think things through rationally. I wish I wasn't upset about it, because I DO feel like a complete hypocrite. Ugh!


PS Please feel free to not sugarcoat anything because if this in anyway makes me the bad guy, I'll be caught holding the bag. I want to take responsibility, I just hate feeling this bad about him doing what I was doing this whole time.

post #2 of 18

It sounds like you are being up front about your actions and your feelings, so I don't think labeling yourself a hypocrite is helpful. Yes, it's a double standard, but you are acknowledging your jealousy. Intellectually, it sounds like you know what is "fair."


If you are serious about getting back together with your husband, I highly recommend that you both go to counseling together, and that you see a therapist on your own as well if possible. If you find one who is experienced with bipolar patients, that's even better.


You are dealing with more than one issue, given that you are now being treated for bipolar. My brother, my aunt and one cousin all have BP so I am familiar with it and how left untreated can really create chaos in peoples' lives. I am glad you are being treated and that you feel like you are thinking clearly now. I also have a friend with BP whose marriage was rocky for awhile and they found counseling together to be very helpful. They also each see a therapist on their own.


Some questions to ponder if you wish:


Is your husband planning to raise your baby as his own? What is the role of the boyfriend going to be in regards to parenting? Is he going to give up his parental rights? Consider both legal and emotional aspects.


Is your husband breaking it off with his co-worker? I assume so if he wants to reconcile with you. If that is the case, and you really do want to reconcile with him, then you'll need to deal with the jealousy issues. It sounds like you'll both be dealing with some trust issues.


This situation would be complicated enough, but when you have BP in the mix, it makes it even more challenging. I really think having a therapist to help you sort things out will help.


Good luck with everything. It sounds like things will get better for you.

post #3 of 18

Well, the word "hypocrite" is so harsh.  You and your dh are both entitled to your feelings of jealousy.  Hopefully you can work through them together. 

post #4 of 18
Thread Starter 

To answer the questions from Starflower's post:

Is your husband planning to raise your baby as his own? What is the role of the boyfriend going to be in regards to parenting? Is he going to give up his parental rights? Consider both legal and emotional aspects.

He is willing to help take care of him, but as far as be "father" to him I'm not sure. My ex-boyfriend is known to be violent with past partners (but never with me) and was abrasive with my daughter. He is currently seeking therapy for his control and emotional abuse issues, but I know that if he screws up, I can use all of this against him to not have custody. If he doesn't end up with custody, my husband has mentioned before that he would have to let the baby "grow on him" but he LOVES kids and is so great with ours that we have together.


Is your husband breaking it off with his co-worker? I assume so if he wants to reconcile with you. If that is the case, and you really do want to reconcile with him, then you'll need to deal with the jealousy issues. It sounds like you'll both be dealing with some trust issues.

Now, the co-worker thing: I got upset that he wouldn't tell me who it was, and only because I don't like things kept from me. This left me crying and sulking in the bedroom, and he comes in and says "what if I told you that I was with the co-worker to make you jealous?" I do not believe for one second that he would have kept it in his pants since he was single. He's a restaurant manager, and has pretty, younger servers all around him that adore him, I don't see him NOT being with one of them. So that puts even more trust issues on the table, because I don't believe him and I dread him going to work now. I think therapy is an awesome idea for us to do.



post #5 of 18

No offense at all but if your husband is willing to work it out with you, love you and your unborn child of another man, I think you need to trust him and forget about his fling, no matter whom it was with.

post #6 of 18
Thread Starter 

I know, right? That's mostly why I feel so foolish for being jealous.

post #7 of 18

So I would try to internalize those feelings towards him and work it out on your own with a counselor for now. I think you will just push him away if you keep bringing it up. I'm sure this is a really difficult situation for your DH right now and it takes a real man to do what he is doing for you and your family. IDK if I myself could handle that if the role was reversed and my DH was having a baby with another woman, Kudos to yours!


Good luck mama!

post #8 of 18
Thread Starter 

I totally do not intend revisiting the issue with him unless I suspected him of cheating, which takes alot for me to think that. And I know he is being like the best man ever to be doing this. I'm really grateful for him letting me into his house, when I didn't think that we'd end up back together at all. I never even expected that. I guess, I'm just asking for his honesty and that is why I got so upset. It bothered me very little that he may have done stuff with another woman when we weren't together, it was the fact that he was keeping her identity hidden and now he "didn't do anything with anyone." Oh well, at least I have him now and not her. I just don't want him to look at her if stuff did happen and think "I could have had her" and he's admitted to me that he's kept from telling me important stuff so that I wasn't hurt about it, so what would stop him from not telling me he wanted her and not me? I don't know. It's alot to think about, and we may be moving back to our home town in the next few months as it is, so it wouldn't matter then if he HAD slept with anyone here cuz he wouldn't be around her after we moved.

post #9 of 18

hypocrite- no.


conflicted, confused and hurt - yes.  you both have been through a lot and have a lot to work through.


Clearly you still love him and the fact that he started moving on is going to sting.  it is good you can admit your feelings and get help working through them.  Don't let uncontrolled emotions and unjustified grudges ruin this for you.  Continue to seek the help you need.  


And really you don't need the details.  He started something with her, broke it off abruptly and now he is doing his best to respect her privacy, the least he can do.  Which she deserves. 


good luck

post #10 of 18
Thread Starter 

I just wanted to tell you all that I appreciate your input on all of this. It's helped me alot to not be so hard on myself or hard on him for the possibility of him being with someone when I wasn't even around or with him. Thank you! stillheart.gif

post #11 of 18

I think you if you guys really want to give your relationship a go, counseling would be helpful.


There is just so.much.baggage.


Moving past an affair is tough. Chances are, this really isn't something that either of you can just say you'll call it even and move it. This is huge stuff that if you don't deal with head on, will come up in nasty ways when you least expect it.


And to your question about your feelings about him being involved with another woman, how you feel is just how you feel. You do have a choice about how you think about it, and eventually your feelings will follow thoughts. So no, I don't think you are a hypocrite, but I think you can only have a healthy relationship with him if you are willing to move forward from where you are, willing to get to a point of letting go, even though you aren't there right this minute.


A place to start would be to start saying to yourself "I'm willing to let this go." Figuring how will follow being willing to do it.

post #12 of 18
Thread Starter 

I am totally willing to let it go, because I love him so much and I know it must not make him feel good that I don't believe him that he wasn't with someone. I'm most willing to see a therapist. I've been in and out of therapy now for the last 6 years, due to abuse as a teen, mental illness and relationship issues. Well, here we go again. lol But I actually needed to get in to see a therapist as part of my bipolar treatment, so it's pretty convenient.

post #13 of 18

Every time it pops into your head, remind yourself that you are willing to let it go. Let yourself feel how you feel, cry, journal, whatever helps you release (not yelling or crying at your husband), but keep reminding yourself that you are willing to let it go.


I think that releasing something this big is often a process, rather than a one step deal, and that accepting that some days it will be more work to let it go than others might help.


Eventually, you'll have days when you don't even think about it.



post #14 of 18

i think it's actually better for you to NOT know who it was. it's easier for him to move on (back to you) that way, than if you were to keep bringing it up every time you crossed paths with her in town. why torture yourself over this? you are excusing your having an affair due to being mentally sick. isn't it possible that your PARTNER is/was also mentally sick in a way (co-dependent on you)? so afford him the same forgiveness. 


and move on together toward being healthy. good luck!

post #15 of 18
Thread Starter 

None of it was an affair. An affair is a cheating relationship. My husband and I were seperated for a time, and this is why I am willing to put it to rest because we are both willing to be together and be a healthy family. In a way, I'm STARTING to be glad that he wouldn't have told me who it was, IF he even slept with anyone because it would be torture, seeing her and knowing that he had her. And I know that if this baby's dad IS involved, I know that my husband would probably feel the same pain, knowing that my ex-boyfriend had me and not him. I know this goes both ways and I know that since our love goes both ways that we can get past this. I really appreciate all of your input, because it's helped me realize MORE of my part in this than just him saying that he had been with someone and me being jealous. He had every right. We weren't together. Thank you.

post #16 of 18

Did you guys get a divorce before or you just left?

post #17 of 18
Thread Starter 

heh I knew this question would come up. We were never LEGALLY married, but we had the ceremony and exchanged vows and such. And I don't think we'd have to get a divorce for common-law marriage. If things go well, I'd like to be legally married to him.

post #18 of 18
Ok, I saw this and had to make a monnent even though its been 2 years.

So, while you were seporated you were with a guy or 6 months and pergnant by this guy. And your worried that he may have slept with a co-worker? Who cares? He loves you enough to get back together with you and work things out. Looking at the guys point of view, how should your husband feel that he has positive proof that you were in a relaltionship enough to get pregnant?! Give him some credit! You left him! From the point that you left to the point that you and him got back together should be irrelivant! Again, you left him! During that time he had no obligations to you! he could have done anything, and anyone in that time because you were obviously "loose" enough to get preganant to a guy on the "greener grass"...
You need to be gratefull enough that he is willing to take you back and work things out.
From a guys point of view, give him a break. He loves you. During that time you were seporated, you need to not worry or even think about what or who he was doing.
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