In January, I thought I was growing a backbone by leaving my husband, who at the time paid little attention to me, wasn't intimate with me, and showed less and less love to me. Truth is, I wasn't looking at the bigger picture, which was me needing medication so that I could function normally. I felt lonely and depressed and thus, it led me to not taking care of things around the house and hiding from the world by being on the computer ALL day.
This created resentment from my then husband and he unintentionally detatched. Instead of talking about things, we were internalizing things and feeling guilty to ourselves for it. This pushed me to leave to be with someone who I thought would be SOOO much better( a "grass is greener on the other side" type of thing). I ended up pregnant with my boyfriend's baby, after my birth control failed, and was very unhappy with him, and until recently couldn't figure out how or why I could be unhappy if I was so sure of my choice when I left.
After getting on medication for my bipolar and I was actually able to think things through and think logically, things became very clear that my boyfriend was being emotionally abusive to me in a big way, much worse than what I had left my husband about. When I left my boyfriend, I came knocking on the ex husband's door, almost 2 weeks ago.(now 23 weeks 3 days pregnant with ex-boyfriend's baby) I never intended on getting back with him when I came to crash on his couch until I could figure things out with my own living situation to get on my feet or to get to my mom's to live there until the baby comes.
The husband and I start talking about everything serious that led to me leaving and things that were said and done while I was with the ex-boyfriend, and amid all of this, we are both crying, him because I hurt him by picking up and leaving with the kids with no notice (partially from my illness and partially because of my hurt and feeling he was at fault) and me because I felt unwanted and unloved. We both assured each other with sincere honesty and genuine truth that we never meant to do that to each other and we were holding each other and crying. I looked at him and asked him to kiss me, not expecting anything else, and that was it. One thing led to another and now we are trying to work things out.
It's recently came to light that he was involved with someone while I was away and had started to try to get over me. It was someone from his work, and I lost it, not yelling, but crying and asking why would he do anything with me if he'd had something going on already and wanting to know who it was, since he'd have to go to work everyday, looking at her, having seen her with no clothes and.... ya know?
I know my anger and hurt comes from jealousy, but does this make me a total hypocrite for feeling like this? I mean, I was with another man for almost 6 months, and got pregnant with his baby. But I also know that I was sick even before I left and not able to think things through rationally. I wish I wasn't upset about it, because I DO feel like a complete hypocrite. Ugh!
PS Please feel free to not sugarcoat anything because if this in anyway makes me the bad guy, I'll be caught holding the bag. I want to take responsibility, I just hate feeling this bad about him doing what I was doing this whole time.
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