5yo witnessed cousin arrested

[erynw]

Hi folks,

Yesterday my 5 year old son witnessed my cousin (22 year old male) be escorted by police in handcuffs after being arrested. He didn't see what led to the arrest (we were at a family picnic at the beach and my cousin was trespassing on private property and when police asked him to leave, he got belligerent so they cuffed him and escorted him to police car). The part my son actually witnessed was the officers walking by our picnic spot escorting my cousin handcuffed.

Btw, there were no alcohol or drugs involved. I am yet to understand why my cousin reacted in the manner he did. He is visiting from out of town and I am not sure if this is typical behaviour or not.

My cousin was soon after released but he never returned to the picnic so my son was left thinking he was "taken away". He asked a whole host of questions and we answered them as best we could as honestly as we could. My son was really shaken from the incident and after asking a bunch of questions, he just wanted to leave the beach indicating to me he didn't feel safe/secure there.

This morning he brought it up and asked me if police would ever arrest and take away a child. We talked about it and then that was it. He hasn't brought it up again. I want to follow his lead and talk about it when he wants to but I wonder if I should be doing more.

I am so disappointed he had to witness this and want to help him as much as possible process the incident and talk about his feelings without making it a bigger deal than it needs to be for him.

There are two scenarios I am considering at the moment:

1. My cousin is not staying with us and leaving the day after tomorrow so it's quite possible my son won't see him again this visit. I thought about asking my cousin to talk to my son and explain what happened to give some closure to the incident so my son isn't left thinking he is gone forever (even though we explained he was quickly released, I think that might be hard for my son to get).

2. I should just leave it, talk about it when he brings it up and otherwise, trust that he is dealing with it the way he needs to.

Any advice or insight would be appreciated.

Eryn

[mamalisa]

I think I'd probably explain a little about big rules and little rules.  LIke "no milk in the living room" is a little rule, it's important but if you break it you're just in a little trouble.  But a big rule like going on someone else's space and not leaving when you're asked is breaking a big rule and sometimes when you break a big rule sometimes the police get involved.  

Overall though, I'd wait for my kid to bring it up and just let it lie until then.

[LynnS6]

I'd leave it -- except that I might set up some play situations with breaking the rules (maybe acting out with stuffed animals) and let him work through the questions through play. If he asks again, I would definitely explain that your cousin is not in jail still, and even though he did something he shouldn't have. I would not ask your cousin to talk to him because if the cousin hasn't got enough judgment not to get off someone's property and to mouth off to the cops, then I wouldn't trust what he said to my kids. 

[nextcommercial]

The cousin made some bad choices.  He brought this on himself, and he has to deal with the consequences.  

I'd tell your son that his cousin is fine, and if he would make better choices, hopefully this won't happen again.  Maybe cousin learned a good lesson.  

If cousin would be willing to talk to your son and explain why what he did was not OK, and he wishes he'd done something differently, then I'd let him talk to your son.  But, if he's going to go off blaming the police for "what they did", then I'd keep them separated, and explain it yourself.

5yo are pretty smart.  But, they are easily influenced.

[erynw]

Thank you for your replies. 

I decided to leave it because as suggested, I wasn't sure I could count on what my cousin would say or how he would explain it. And there have been a few instances where it's come up (because I think it profoundly affected my son) but we've just kept our replies simple and that seems to help my son. 

Thanks again!

Eryn

[Mummoth]

If you want to be really sure that your son won't develop negative ideas about/become afraid of the police from the incident, try calling the non-emergency line in your area and ask their advice on what to do. I brought my kids into the community police station here once... we found a watch nearby on the sidewalk & turned it in there... the officer that was there talked to the kids and gave them stickers and temporary tattoos. Even if your son is feeling better about it, it might still be a fun thing for him to do.